Girlfriend out of rehab -- what to expect
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Montclair, NJ
Posts: 51
Girlfriend out of rehab -- what to expect
Hi everyone
I am new to this forum, so if I ask or say stupid things, please forgive me.
I am not an addict but my girlfriend is. I have been seeing her for 3 years. About 18 months into the relationship I learned she was an oxy and heroin addict (she left a detox bill out). It turns out she has been a hard core addict for 6 years (and has been using drugs in one fashion or another for 13 years). Her drugs during the last 6 years have been almost entirely oxy and heroin, with a greater emphasis on heroin in the last 2 years. She mostly has snorted the drugs, but she has also injected heroin. She has used other drugs too, but it's mostly opiates.
When I learned about the addiction roughly 18 months ago, I insisted she get some kind of treatment. Of course, I had no idea what "treatment" might be. She got into a suboxone maintenance program with a real doctor. Bear in mind I had zero prior experience with drugs, so I had no clue whether this was a workable program or not.
In early September this year she completely relapsed and went deep into a bender, spending roughly $2,000 to $3,000 on drugs in one month. I found out at the end of September (her drug dealer visited our apartment). Again I insisted she get help, and she herself suggested detox. She was in detox and then inpatient rehab for 18 days, but refused to stay longer and checked out AMA. However, she did immediately go into an intensive outpatient program. She is also going to NA meetings, seeing a therapist and recently got a vivitrol injection. She seems very serious about staying in recovery, and I do not believe she is currently using drugs. She's coming up on 30 days clean this week. Frankly, it is a miracle how far she's come. This is the very first time in her life she's willingly been in any recovery program whatsoever, over 6 years of addiction.
Needless to say she has a lot of issues. Her mother is an alcoholic and her brother is a drug addict (neither one is in recovery and both still use). Her father (parents divorced) is mentally ill. Except for one other friend, I'm the only non-drug person she knows (even that one friend uses drugs, just not opiates).
I have been working hard on my own recovery, going to Nar-Anon meetings and other recovery meetings, seeing a therapist, and attending meetings with her when she asks me to do so. I am doing relatively well, certainly a lot better than I felt 3 weeks ago. I have been furiously trying to learn about this subject as quickly as possible.
I recognize fully that she has to run her own recovery, and other than providing emotional support and encouragement, I have to let go and hope she makes right decisions. I'm really on board with that concept.
Still I would really love to understand from an addict's perspective what is going on with her during this early recovery phase. She seems incredibly flat emotionally (which she acknowledges). She's not in much physical discomfort (according to her), but her head is all over the map, changing wildly from one day to the next. She seems to be taking recovery very seriously, but then also frequently makes comments about how she wishes she could go back to using drugs. She tells me that her fondest wish is that she could shoot up more heroin.
Can anyone give me a greater feel for what is happening during this phase? How long does the emotionless, flat affect last? Can I have hope that she will stay clean for a substantial period of time, or is it much more likely we will have several more rounds of detox and inpatient rehab? When can she hope to be able to go back to work, or return to some sense of normalcy? At what point could we say she's out of "early recovery" -- assuming she stays clean. Is there anything at all I can do to help, other than be supportive?
I know this is going to take a long time, and I am in it for the distance. I really love her, and I am not abandoning her no matter what. But I would be grateful for some kind of road map for whatever lies ahead.
Thank you for reading such a long post. I would appreciate any insights anyone is willing to share.
Andy
I am new to this forum, so if I ask or say stupid things, please forgive me.
I am not an addict but my girlfriend is. I have been seeing her for 3 years. About 18 months into the relationship I learned she was an oxy and heroin addict (she left a detox bill out). It turns out she has been a hard core addict for 6 years (and has been using drugs in one fashion or another for 13 years). Her drugs during the last 6 years have been almost entirely oxy and heroin, with a greater emphasis on heroin in the last 2 years. She mostly has snorted the drugs, but she has also injected heroin. She has used other drugs too, but it's mostly opiates.
When I learned about the addiction roughly 18 months ago, I insisted she get some kind of treatment. Of course, I had no idea what "treatment" might be. She got into a suboxone maintenance program with a real doctor. Bear in mind I had zero prior experience with drugs, so I had no clue whether this was a workable program or not.
In early September this year she completely relapsed and went deep into a bender, spending roughly $2,000 to $3,000 on drugs in one month. I found out at the end of September (her drug dealer visited our apartment). Again I insisted she get help, and she herself suggested detox. She was in detox and then inpatient rehab for 18 days, but refused to stay longer and checked out AMA. However, she did immediately go into an intensive outpatient program. She is also going to NA meetings, seeing a therapist and recently got a vivitrol injection. She seems very serious about staying in recovery, and I do not believe she is currently using drugs. She's coming up on 30 days clean this week. Frankly, it is a miracle how far she's come. This is the very first time in her life she's willingly been in any recovery program whatsoever, over 6 years of addiction.
Needless to say she has a lot of issues. Her mother is an alcoholic and her brother is a drug addict (neither one is in recovery and both still use). Her father (parents divorced) is mentally ill. Except for one other friend, I'm the only non-drug person she knows (even that one friend uses drugs, just not opiates).
I have been working hard on my own recovery, going to Nar-Anon meetings and other recovery meetings, seeing a therapist, and attending meetings with her when she asks me to do so. I am doing relatively well, certainly a lot better than I felt 3 weeks ago. I have been furiously trying to learn about this subject as quickly as possible.
I recognize fully that she has to run her own recovery, and other than providing emotional support and encouragement, I have to let go and hope she makes right decisions. I'm really on board with that concept.
Still I would really love to understand from an addict's perspective what is going on with her during this early recovery phase. She seems incredibly flat emotionally (which she acknowledges). She's not in much physical discomfort (according to her), but her head is all over the map, changing wildly from one day to the next. She seems to be taking recovery very seriously, but then also frequently makes comments about how she wishes she could go back to using drugs. She tells me that her fondest wish is that she could shoot up more heroin.
Can anyone give me a greater feel for what is happening during this phase? How long does the emotionless, flat affect last? Can I have hope that she will stay clean for a substantial period of time, or is it much more likely we will have several more rounds of detox and inpatient rehab? When can she hope to be able to go back to work, or return to some sense of normalcy? At what point could we say she's out of "early recovery" -- assuming she stays clean. Is there anything at all I can do to help, other than be supportive?
I know this is going to take a long time, and I am in it for the distance. I really love her, and I am not abandoning her no matter what. But I would be grateful for some kind of road map for whatever lies ahead.
Thank you for reading such a long post. I would appreciate any insights anyone is willing to share.
Andy
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome to sober recovery you will meet support here and lots of it
we have a friends and family section yuou might like checking out heres a link Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Really nice to meet you Andy
we have a friends and family section yuou might like checking out heres a link Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Really nice to meet you Andy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
Early recovery is different for everyone, and I hope your girlfriend continues her recovery.
Have you considered your local AlAnon or NarAnon as a support for you?
Also we have a forum for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers where you can find support and information:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Early recovery is different for everyone, and I hope your girlfriend continues her recovery.
Have you considered your local AlAnon or NarAnon as a support for you?
Also we have a forum for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers where you can find support and information:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Other than letting her know that you support her recovery, there's not much you can really do. You might want to set boundaries with her that she stay clean as long as you two are together. She has to want to stay clean for herself, first and foremost, but needs to know that using is unacceptable behavior. 
Welcome to the SR family.
Welcome to the SR family.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
Hey NJandy. I truly hope your girlfriend wants to stay clean. If I were in your shoes if she didn't stay clean I would leave her. Simple as that. I know you want her to live a clean lifestyle but sometimes people aren't ready to stop. Of course I would give her a chance first because you love her...but if she doesn't want to stay clean I would give her an ultimatum...either YOU or the DRUGS.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello and welcome. You say that you are not an addict but then you mention that you are working hard on your own recovery and that you are doing relatively well. What's that about?
Now, you write she says she wants to shoot up again... Sorry to be harsh but It doesn't sound like she is ready for herself. I hope she is. Give her the chance but do not enable her. It will hurt both of you in the long run. I hope that you find the right thing for you.
Now, you write she says she wants to shoot up again... Sorry to be harsh but It doesn't sound like she is ready for herself. I hope she is. Give her the chance but do not enable her. It will hurt both of you in the long run. I hope that you find the right thing for you.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I can't really speak to your side of things, in terms of setting boundaries, deciding when to stay and when to go, etc. Sounds like you're going to meetings and doing that for yourself, so that's great.
In terms of her side of things... everyone's different, but I would expect things to be a bit strange for a while. When I first quit drinking I was extremely anxious for the first month, foggy and numb for the second. After that, that fog would come and go. I know that with alcohol, over time your brain chemistry changes to accommodate the constant presence of a depressant. It takes a long time to right itself, some studies say a year or more. I haven't done any research into opiates as that was never my DOC, but I would imagine it's somewhat similar as they're also depressants.
Then there's the psychological bit. We tend to be immature in certain areas of our lives — I never developed healthy coping mechanisms for stress, for example, nor learned how to keep ourselves entertained without outside stimulation. I was very lost at first and it took a lot of effort to figure out how to live sober. That meant I vacillated between joy and hopelessness and boredom and calm in very unpredictable ways.
By the same token, I had a long relapse when I went through some difficulties in my relationship. I'd always dealt with heart hurt by drinking until I didn't care... then waking up hung over and regretful... rinse and repeat. I fell back into it and it took me quite a while to shake it off and recommit to being sober. Not everyone has that experience, but I hadn't fortified myself as well as I thought I had.
I actually think it's good that she admitted that she wishes she could do heroin again. It means she's being honest with you. I am very dishonest about my feelings about drinking with people in my life and it means that no one can really support me that much. It's good that she's open.
Anyway, this is all to say that things will probably be all over the map for a while, possibly a year, possibly more. I think the most important thing is to be very conscious of your decision to stay, and to constantly keep an eye on whether that continues to be the healthiest choice for you and for her. It's wonderful that you're supporting her as you are. Good luck to you both!
In terms of her side of things... everyone's different, but I would expect things to be a bit strange for a while. When I first quit drinking I was extremely anxious for the first month, foggy and numb for the second. After that, that fog would come and go. I know that with alcohol, over time your brain chemistry changes to accommodate the constant presence of a depressant. It takes a long time to right itself, some studies say a year or more. I haven't done any research into opiates as that was never my DOC, but I would imagine it's somewhat similar as they're also depressants.
Then there's the psychological bit. We tend to be immature in certain areas of our lives — I never developed healthy coping mechanisms for stress, for example, nor learned how to keep ourselves entertained without outside stimulation. I was very lost at first and it took a lot of effort to figure out how to live sober. That meant I vacillated between joy and hopelessness and boredom and calm in very unpredictable ways.
By the same token, I had a long relapse when I went through some difficulties in my relationship. I'd always dealt with heart hurt by drinking until I didn't care... then waking up hung over and regretful... rinse and repeat. I fell back into it and it took me quite a while to shake it off and recommit to being sober. Not everyone has that experience, but I hadn't fortified myself as well as I thought I had.
I actually think it's good that she admitted that she wishes she could do heroin again. It means she's being honest with you. I am very dishonest about my feelings about drinking with people in my life and it means that no one can really support me that much. It's good that she's open.
Anyway, this is all to say that things will probably be all over the map for a while, possibly a year, possibly more. I think the most important thing is to be very conscious of your decision to stay, and to constantly keep an eye on whether that continues to be the healthiest choice for you and for her. It's wonderful that you're supporting her as you are. Good luck to you both!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Montclair, NJ
Posts: 51
Thanks to everyone for their responses. To answer a few questions raised....
After the most recent relapse, while working desperately on nailing down a detox/rehab location, I fell into a deep depression, and I was getting close to institutionalizing myself. I have a history of depression but have not had a serious episode in 14 years (at that time it was so bad I made a serious suicide attempt). So I got plenty worried about what might happen this time. I got in to see a couple therapists who specialize in addiction issues, and I also started going to Nar-Anon meetings, and other similar meetings for family members/loved ones of addicts. Luckily I also have a friend who is an addict who has been in recovery for several years, and although we weren't that close, in desperation I reached out to him. He's generously given me so much of his time; he's really been a godsend. This has all helped immensely and I have been doing a lot better, even though there are many days when I am still down, but at least I know I'm staying on top of my recovery.
I agree with fantail that I am glad she's being honest with me about shooting up. Her two worst episodes since I've known she was an addict were early 2013 when I first found out (after she got out of another failed detox and immediately began using) and this September. In each case shooting up played a major role. In 1/13 she actually started shooting up, and very quickly became a total mess -- it was actually frightening to see her. Prior to that she kept it together pretty well for public consumption, but when she starting shooting she was completely hysterical when she wasn't high. In 9/14 she did not succumb to shooting, but she came very close, by her own admission. In each case she inadvertently let me know what was going on, by basically shoving it in my face (in 1/13 she "accidentally" left out her detox bill, and in 9/14 she invited her drug dealer over to her place when I was actually there). So shooting up, I think, plays a big role in her mind as the final station before she goes completely to hell. So letting me know that shooting up still holds an allure for her, I think, is her way of letting me know that she is still very scared about what can happen in the near term. (I'm scared too.)
I have been setting boundaries for myself (and letting her know what they are) and so far I'm sticking with them. I won't live with her unless she stays clean and stays in recovery, and since I have no clue whether or how soon she'll relapse, I've gotten my own place and I'm living there. We "cheated" for a week because we were still doing "sleepovers" but with her agreement and understanding we've completely stopped the sleepovers as well. (However, we did have sex last night at her initiative -- just no sleepover. I don't know if that's cheating too.) I'm also insisting that I won't talk to her at all unless we agree that no subject is off limits, and we've been sticking with that so far. On Sunday we had a really great discussion about co-dependency and how that is ******* up our lives.
I don't want to set a boundary I know I can't keep, so I have not said I will abandon her if she relapses. The truth is that I know I won't abandon her over a single relapse, so there's no point in saying otherwise. If that's enabling her (and I realize it might be), then I am sorry for that, but I cannot give up on her so easily, I simply love her too much. Also, I know that to a great extent in the past I did many things to make this worse by not paying attention to her and not making more of an effort to understanding this disease. So I feel a strong obligation to make amends. She's trying so hard, and it's the first time she's ever been in recovery, I want to give her a chance.
After the most recent relapse, while working desperately on nailing down a detox/rehab location, I fell into a deep depression, and I was getting close to institutionalizing myself. I have a history of depression but have not had a serious episode in 14 years (at that time it was so bad I made a serious suicide attempt). So I got plenty worried about what might happen this time. I got in to see a couple therapists who specialize in addiction issues, and I also started going to Nar-Anon meetings, and other similar meetings for family members/loved ones of addicts. Luckily I also have a friend who is an addict who has been in recovery for several years, and although we weren't that close, in desperation I reached out to him. He's generously given me so much of his time; he's really been a godsend. This has all helped immensely and I have been doing a lot better, even though there are many days when I am still down, but at least I know I'm staying on top of my recovery.
I agree with fantail that I am glad she's being honest with me about shooting up. Her two worst episodes since I've known she was an addict were early 2013 when I first found out (after she got out of another failed detox and immediately began using) and this September. In each case shooting up played a major role. In 1/13 she actually started shooting up, and very quickly became a total mess -- it was actually frightening to see her. Prior to that she kept it together pretty well for public consumption, but when she starting shooting she was completely hysterical when she wasn't high. In 9/14 she did not succumb to shooting, but she came very close, by her own admission. In each case she inadvertently let me know what was going on, by basically shoving it in my face (in 1/13 she "accidentally" left out her detox bill, and in 9/14 she invited her drug dealer over to her place when I was actually there). So shooting up, I think, plays a big role in her mind as the final station before she goes completely to hell. So letting me know that shooting up still holds an allure for her, I think, is her way of letting me know that she is still very scared about what can happen in the near term. (I'm scared too.)
I have been setting boundaries for myself (and letting her know what they are) and so far I'm sticking with them. I won't live with her unless she stays clean and stays in recovery, and since I have no clue whether or how soon she'll relapse, I've gotten my own place and I'm living there. We "cheated" for a week because we were still doing "sleepovers" but with her agreement and understanding we've completely stopped the sleepovers as well. (However, we did have sex last night at her initiative -- just no sleepover. I don't know if that's cheating too.) I'm also insisting that I won't talk to her at all unless we agree that no subject is off limits, and we've been sticking with that so far. On Sunday we had a really great discussion about co-dependency and how that is ******* up our lives.
I don't want to set a boundary I know I can't keep, so I have not said I will abandon her if she relapses. The truth is that I know I won't abandon her over a single relapse, so there's no point in saying otherwise. If that's enabling her (and I realize it might be), then I am sorry for that, but I cannot give up on her so easily, I simply love her too much. Also, I know that to a great extent in the past I did many things to make this worse by not paying attention to her and not making more of an effort to understanding this disease. So I feel a strong obligation to make amends. She's trying so hard, and it's the first time she's ever been in recovery, I want to give her a chance.
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