I'm trying to believe you
 

I know you guys are right. I'm trying to believe you. I'm struggling to really put my faith in community support. There is this voice in my head that insists no one else can help me and no one else genuinely cares. It tells me to run away and hide from everyone. That's what knocked me down last week, and I haven't been able to get up since. I know I'm not supposed to believe what it tells me, but when I feel like an unsalvageable waste, it's very hard to believe anything else. I feel like a real jerk even posting here and wasting everyone's time and leading people to believe I'm worth any effort at all. It is so incredibly hard to change my thinking around this. I hope posting this and being open about what's going on in my mind will help me change it.

It is the disease that is making you feel this way.

The disease does not want to let go of you.

We do care about you and you know that and you know there is support here. Sure, you may be able to do it on your own, completely, but I wouldn't want to. I love this place.

Take a leap of faith, Briar, and believe that SR cares about you and values you as a part of this community.

Abstinence from alcohol is only part of sobriety but, in my humble opinion, it is the catalyst in the recovery process; once free from alcohol, the work of identifying the root of our alcoholism can begin and we can realize true recovery.

I apologize; I do not know your history; do you have face to face support; have you tried AA or AVRT?

Your AV is running wild

Do what you need to do to stay sober your never wasting anyones time

Briar,

This forum / website has some good people on it that have proven sobriety is possible. It is called support because it does entail one taking ownership of their own recovery. No one can do that for you.

But, there are many here that will provide you with their experience, strength and hope for sure.

We are all worth it, especially you as a newcomer!!!! Posting for you may provide information you can take ACTION on in your journey. Posting for myself and others helps all of our sobriety - Together, we can!

I am at around 5 months sober - others with less, some with much more. Take what works and leave the rest. Make YOUR plan of recovery.

Glad you're here friend
fly

Hi Briar,

I reckon sometimes I've just got to follow the rules. I'm a tad crazy and sometimes I definitely cannot trust the thoughts that go through my head. I'm learning to rely on the decisions I've made in a more together moment. That does feel pretty arbitrary sometimes, but the alternative is, well, just basically being random and crazy. I don't think that ever leads to a good place.

That's just me :=] I wonder, though, if you're not expecting it all to make sense 100% of the time? I don't think that's a realistic expectation, there's always going to be moments where it doesn't quite add up. I reckon, then you've just got to go with the decision you've made. I hope that's not too preachy :=]

Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I have been there so many times- sometimes feeling guilty and sometimes feeling defiant and entitled. With each time I learned more about what I didn't want and started getting closer to a position where I could seriously look at being sober for good.

Keep going, keep talking, don't hide. :)

Briar,

28 days ago, I would have said the same thing. Alcohol had me by the throat and was pulling me further and further into the darkness, making me believe I wasn't worth saving.

In fact, I had that little voice in my head, in various forms, for the better part of 14 years.

On September 30, I silenced it forever. I do not regret it. You won't either if you can break through the lies and get further away from that last drink.

We're all behind you!

Briar, I'm sure no one considers you a waste of time - most of us have been there ourselves. It's good to talk things over with others who understand - it's a relief to know we are never alone. Keep on trying - you can have the better life that you seek. :hug:

Well, lets examine the record.

Each post for help, from you, from me, from all the members of the SR community are met with encouragement, praise and concern.

We all deliver the above in different ways, but the underlying message is "We get it, we've been there & we know you can do it, because we felt just like that at some point in time too"

The glass is half full :)

Thanks for responding to me. You guys have some good advice that makes a lot of sense. I'm trying to hold it in my mind. A couple people asked about my history. I've been working on recovery for the past two years. Last year I got sober for seven months but lost it about a year ago when I got depressed and withdrew from the people around me. Over the past year I've quit a handful of times but never could get it. I've been in therapy with an addiction specialist for two years, on SR, and during this past month I've been attending LifeRing meetings (which I missed last week because I was drunk). I am fortunate to have a lot of resources and support available to me, and I feel like a real jerk for drinking anyway. I do want to quit. I want a better life. I don't know why I keep sabotaging myself.

It takes a while sometimes to get back up after being knocked down. We are here to help you get back up. :hug: Everyone deserves love and a decent life. Everyone. :)

Briar,

You have done this and you can do it again. this time make it stick. It is much easier to stay sober than to try and get sober again.

TOGETHER WE ARE STRONG.

Wishing you best days ahead.

You don't trust yourself, and you trust no one else. That's a tough spot.to be in. Been there more than once.

No one can give you faith. You' ve already accumulated a great deal of knowledge and experience, so we know that's not the problem. There are no tips that lead to belief. No surgery, no pills, no recipe. Faith requires the kind of courage that comes with desperation. And frequently arrives only when we have nowhere else to go.

You've tried lots of things, and have nothing to lose by putting down the drink and getting yourself to a meeting.

You just have to open the door a little bit.

We can keep digging until we have dug our own grave or we can stop drinking and start filling in the hole. Once we stop things start getting better. Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly they will always materialize if we work for them

I have one of those, too. It is the voice of my addiction and it will tell me anything it thinks will get me to drink. You're a worthless pile of dung, so just go get drunk.

It's a liar and a thief. It would kill me if I let it. My life improved remarkably when I stopped taking advice from a known liar.

You can do this.

Briar, never think that posting here is wasting people's time. Every time you post you help me and every other alcohol/addict on this forum. Every time I read your post, you help me stay sober.

Most importantly, nothing should be more important to you than your sobriety. If posting here helps you, never stop. Also try to show yourself some love. You are a unique and beautiful person. Never let your AV convince you otherwise

Oh, people here care. We all thought we had unique problems too at one time or another, stuck inside a bottle of whatever. It's the damndest thing, sometimes helping others up keeps you from falling down yourself. Just hang around here, talk to us, and stay out of the bottle and you'll feel it after a while.

Thank you, you guys are amazing people.

That is the cruel, callous voice of addiction. Every negative emotion...fear, anger, self pity ...ALL allies of addiction.

The emotions of love, community, light, peace, support...
Are the enemies of addiction...

For me...when I am in "anxiety"...I am in a negative, angry, fearful and unloving place..
Those are the times I crave alcohol...

You are cared for here Briar...
We see you...
We want you to stay...

Don't listen to the evil cacklings of addiction that are trying to lay claim to you...