Stevie1

So, my best friend who I've known for many years is addicted to food. I've watched her go from employed and capable of physical activity to on disability, morbidly obese and in a wheelchair because she is too fat, and in too much pain, to walk.

Almost six years ago she remarried and while her husband is a fantastic guy and couldn't be better to her, he is also hugely fat. Together, they eat. And eat and eat and eat. Every outing, every social occasion, every disability-check "payday", every holiday - it's all about food. Since neither of them are now working, they watch gargantuan amounts of TV, eat a lot, and my friend is now totally hooked on cooking shows. Frequently when we get together, she goes on and on about recipes and cooking and I have to say "can we please stop talking about food, now!" to get her to shift focus.

I know she's struggled with her food addiction the same way I've struggled with alcohol addiction - we've talked about this often and compared notes, as it were. Both she and her husband would be dead dozens of times over without medical intervention - they are both medical nightmares, now take thousands of dollars worth of medication every month, and every single one of their maladies is directly linked to, if not caused by, overeating and obesity.

She is scheduled for bariatric (sleeve) surgery in about a month. I've gone with her to doctor visits and support meetings. I told her that I would quit drinking in solidarity with her, because she's shortly going to be on a very strict limited diet, then no more than three ounces of food at a time for the rest of her life.

I should say at this point that she is a strong, smart, funny and very caring woman.

So yesterday I drove with her and her husband about 200 miles to pick up a donated electric wheelchair - I drove because we needed a van to pick it up and I have a van. We planned to get the chair, then go to a Halloween/fall festival event.

Here's where I need to vent. She and her husband know my deal and I know theirs.

On the way there, she starts talking about cooking shows. I manage to circumvent this. After picking up the chair, I need to pee and say I'm going to pull into the next rest area and she says why don't we stop at Bob Evans and get breakfast? I'm so not into that, and suggest just pulling through a drive-through instead. The drive-through turns into a lengthy discussion about which burger, what size fries, which soft drink...****! I just need to pee and get a little junior burger or whatever to fuel up so I'm not starving when we get to the Halloween place which charges two bucks for a bottle of water and four bucks for a naked hot dog. But they are turning it into a giant, complicated gastronomic event. It takes us forever to get through the line.

Then we get to the Halloween place and it turns out they give "treat bags" to everyone and there are about 20 "treat stations" giving out cheap candy. There are hundreds of kids; I figure this is a kid thing. But no. My obese friends not only are determined to hit every treat station giving out Twizzlers or whatever, they spend over $20.00 on candied nuts. She's in a wheelchair and he hobbles around with a cane because they are that fat, they are expending very little energy, yet eat like food is about to become an extinct substance. Despite the fact they are both on tax-payer funded disability because they are eating themselves literally to death.

I'm pissed off because if you or I would drink or drug with such abandon as these people eat, we'd be publicaly castigated.

I get that fat-shaming and addict/alcoholic-shaming is bad and not useful.
I get that food addiction is even tougher than drug/alcohol addiction because you can't simply stop eating.
I resent that they are given a pass for being catastrophically self-induced fat and disabled, but I am not given a similar pass for being mentally ill/alcoholic.
Despite how it would seem from my post, I really, really like these people. But I am resentful.

Thoughts?

Anna

It sure does sound like you are really resentful and angry.

I have a close family member who is diagnosed 'morbidly obese' and I have nothing but compassion and love for him. I know how he feels.

Stevie1

You're right-- I'm both resentful and angry, and also very compassionate and I love my friend. That is why I committed to her and her cause.

These are conflicting feelings, and they're confusing me, which is why I'm posting here looking for some clarification and input from people who actually understand what I am getting at here.

ItsViolet

I understand your frustrations. I had a friend--one of my best--for many years and he had major problems due to trauma issues that I'd been exceptionally patient with. He actually had very few friends because of the severity of these problems. We bonded around a lot of things we had in common, not just issues. I really loved and enjoyed my friend and wanted him to get better, and he was trying to get better, but there were definitely times I felt I just couldn't deal, and times when his issues were very, VERY draining and frustrating for me and I don't think he realized that. I just wanted to talk normally or to hang out normally sometimes, but his issues were such a big deal. I was afraid to even mention the drain on my because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and make his sensitivity problems even worse. When it was rough, sometimes I had to just back off so he could sort it out without me having to get over-involved. I had to back off for me, not for him. Because his problems were getting to be too much. Not because I'm a jerk, but because I just couldn't see him doing that to himself, there was a limit to how much I could take. And also because his problems were getting in the way of all of his relationships, including ours. I was more tolerant so the friendship lasted longer than with other people he knew. Eventually, through a lot of work he did on himself, he did improve a lot and his life is way better now. His problems no longer run his life--what a relief! The only reason we're not still friends now is because he wanted a romantic involvement with me that I didn't want.

Your feelings may be just a by-product of what your friend is doing to herself. We know that addictions hurt everyone around the addict, not just the addict. It makes others feel angry, resentful, sad, helpless, etc. And no matter what type of addiction it is, we can't always be expected to be on the higher level, be an angel and all that. I know I wasn't.

Eshgham

I'd be very irritated too. Thanks for sharing. It doesn't sound like they have any intention of changing their lifestyle.

strategery

I could be wrong on this, but maybe part of it is that you see that they're not dealing with their food issues, having the surgery for your friend will technically be a fix (a temporary fix if she doesn't address her eating, but a fix nonetheless)? In contrast, there is no easy fix for alcoholism. You may be annoyed that she doesn't appear to have any commitment to really change her behavior or herself, which could potentially make it to where she never really would need to get the surgery in the first place. In contrast, recovery from alcoholism entails looking at your behavior and yourself and addressing those issues. Thus, she's getting an easy out comparatively speaking.

Tamerua

Edited to add that I would have been irritated as well, I wanted to throw that out there!

As someone who had / has food issues and was over 300 lbs in high school (lost over 100 lbs after and am currently about 100 less than my heaviest), there is no pass when you're fat. Not when you're really big. People give dieting advice, people stare, people laugh, people are actually real a-holes about it. And it isn't just one person every once in a while, it is all the time. That is the only thing people see and they have no problem voicing their disgust about it.

The thing is this, she and her husband are totally active in their disease, which is the same disease that drives alcoholism. The need for more, to fill a void. But at the stage you're describing, they're at the bottom... Compare it to what it would be for a bottomed out alcoholic. Can't wake up without a bottle next to the bed or go through withdrawal. It may not be like that physically but mentally it is.

With something like you helping them, if you hVe or want to in the future, I think it is fair to lay out boundaries. We are going here. We will eat here and that is it. Just my .02. As an aside, continue to be a friend to her...she may need your sober advice. My food issues turned into wine issues because I hadn't learned how to cope and I understand that is quite common after WL surgery.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

bunnezjp

Stevie, I battle with this moral dilema alot, as of late. It's, for me, lack of compassion for those "less fortunate" who aren't willing to help themselves. I get it. But, there's not alot we can do, except accept them as they are, be there for them, or don't. I hope they figure out what needs to change.

Bunnez

Stevie1

ItsViolet - I'm glad your friend was able to get himself together. And you're right, my venting is a by-product of what I'm feeling about myself...I realise now that it wasn't my best self that posted what I did! I just wanted to vent and get some feedback on feelings I'm having that I don't like in myself.

Eshgam - indeed. Maybe that's part of it - I was open about committing to getting sober and I know my friend appreciates and supports that, but because eating is an OK and necessary activity perhaps she and her husband don't even realise that they are self-harming and violating what I thought was an agreement.

strategery, good insight! We've actually joked that the surgery will be a tool, like taking Antabuse would be for me. She does realise (although perhaps she hasn't internalized it) that this surgery is just a tool in her tool box and she will still need to be very committed to making a huge lifestyle change for it to work.

Huh. In answering you guys, I'm wondering if she and her husband even see what they are doing to themselves. After all, for us alcoholics/addicts/smokers to get "sober", we have to completely quit doing. And I do understand that for the food-addicted, it's a whole different ballgame, because they HAVE to learn to moderate - something most of us know we can never do.

I have never (well, not to her face, just here!) judged her or said anything; I've been a cheerleader to her every effort and diet, I committed to be her support person before and during the surgery (something required by her program, actually) and I have cheered every pound she has lost over the years, and commiserated when she put pounds back on. But yeah, maybe now that I am trying hard to get and stay sober, there's an element of resentment in that she and her husband can blatantly flout their addictions in public, while I'm fighting a mostly-hidden battle.

Food addiction is in some ways tougher than addiction to alcohol, drugs and cigarettes. I do get that. But because eating is necessary and almost always socially acceptable, perhaps she and her husband are still stuck in the denial phase? In the last three months I've sat with both of them in hospital through heart caths, I've gone to most of the pre-bariatric surgery meetings with them, I've gone over and looked after their dogs while he's had knee surgery and when she was in hospital with kidney issues and that's just in the last few months...it's like they don't understand what they are doing to themselves with this constant eating.

We are good enough friends that I can talk about this honestly with her. I guess I just want to test the waters here for a reality check first.

Stevie1

Tamerua, thank you! Actually knowing her over the years has really made me realise how tough it is to be fat in day-to-day life. Kudos to you for losing 100+lbs, that's really admirable. It has limited her life and affected her health in so many ways.

bunnez, I'm trying to be compassionate but at the same time and as Tamuera says. I need to lay out boundaries. The hospital that she's getting the bariatric surgery through actually has me on record as a "support person" for her, it's something they require. So in that role, gently pointing out that she can't continue this way would be a good thing to do, right?

paloverde

I have people close to me who have been told by the Dr. they are morbidly obese. It's sad to watch but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sure they felt the same way about me when I was a raging drunk.

I've noticed people in general are a lot fatter than when I was younger. And it seems like it's more of a social "norm" to be 30-40 lbs. overweight, especially for men in their 20s and 30s. You get called "big" instead of fat. I know, it started happening to me and the doctor told me I was OBESE and needed to lose 30 lbs. Fortunately I was able to after giving up booze.

The weird thing is I'm eating a pint of ice cream as I type this. I'm just rambling... I hope your friends have a change of heart before it's too late.

Stevie1

Yup. I am skinny and at 56 weigh what I weighed at 14 years old...I actually sort of see this as a problem: there's a lot I cannot control in my life but I've always been able to control my eating. Maybe that is unhealthy in a sense, but I hold onto it and have a dread of gaining weight. Although actually I love food, am a bit of a foodie and eat very well, I think.

I remember in high school in the 1970s there was one person in my class who was overweight and she was an outlier. Now thin people (at least where I live) are a minority. Everyone I know is at least somewhat overweight. Fat is the new normal.

My friend has a BMI of over 60, which is shockingly large. She's 5'2 and over 350lbs. I hate what overeating has done to her and her husband! Ten years ago she and I regularly went for walks with our dogs, she was a different person then. We did lots of stuff together. Now, she has a hard time just getting around her house, her activities are severely limited and it's been years since she's been able to go shopping without a wheelchair. Our interactions now center around food, or are limited by her mobility.

heartcore

It is painful and difficult to watch someone we love killing themselves.

This is what people feel who love an alcoholic diagnosed with liver disease, who still drinks & has a zillion clever excuses as to why - both to themselves & others. That was me.

This is what people feel when they love a smoker who has emphysema, toting their oxygen tank everywhere & gasping for breath, disconnecting the tube so they can smoke a cigarette (this is my mother).

Of course you are angry. Of course you are grieving.

As her "official" support person you have a right to tell her "I love you like a sister, and I can hardly bear watching your suicide. I want you in my life, but you're going to need to make some deep changes beyond a surgery. I will stand by you as you do the work, but my heart is breaking, and I am doing my own work, and I am hurt & angry that you're putting me in this position."

This is Alanon stuff, & you might find some good wisdom in one of the -anon meetings or literature. But don't discount how hard this is and don't withhold your truth.

Would you speak your truth if a beloved friend sat across from you with a gun to her head? The time for polite passed about ten doctor visits ago. Compassion, yes. Love, yes. Unspoken, no...

heartcore

Ps. Following the Alanon model, if she still doesn't do the work, it is then your task to protect yourself & establish all the boundaries you need to not feel the pain of the witness. You cannot heal her; she can only undertake this journey alone. But if she is doing the work, you can be supportive until that support encroaches on your own recovery...