Coming out of the alcoholic closet
 

Who here does not feel like we live in very alcohol focused society? Having been on SR for over two years now I see a pattern when scanning the list of threads in the newcomers section. The same questions asked in slightly different ways but all asking the same thing. “How do I survive getting sober when everything and everyone is telling me to drink?” Not those exact words but certainly the gist of many posts for help. I have also been here long enough to see posts about some who have not made it. It's quite sad.

I knew when I was 5 I was gay. What does that have to do with being an alcoholic? Technically nothing. But it did teach me early on how to survive in a culture where what I see everyday. What I feel everyday. And what I find in need of everyday are not what I am told I need, or want, or feel.

Heteronormativity, by definition, is the principle that in our culture, heterosexuality is the norm and any deviations from it are in the excluded minority. Every day, people who don't identify as heteronormative are forced to live in a culture that isn't ours.

Any alcoholic with sober time can relate to living life day to day where simply wanting to celebrate an occasion be it a holiday or birthday, has to think through the event first. What will I need to watch for? How must I answer questions when they ask me what I drink? How do I hide what I don't want others to know?

There is a certain amount of shame involved. Early on that is. But my early years learning to navigate societies ideas of normal have, in some strange way, prepared me for this added layer of what amounts to pronoun switching.

Here is something very important I have learned. At some point I have to shed people's thoughts of what or who I am. I need to own the fact I not only don't drink. But I absolutely cannot drink.

That's not a self imposed perspective. I have hard concrete evidence that should this person drink I will, if not the first time, cause harm to myself or others.

What is my point with all this? Simply that since I have come out of the bar so to speak, I feel more like I own my addiction. I face it with as much as is necessary to say no to it. I can't get sober in the closet and expect the shame not to undermine me every chance it gets.

I am very real with it but not stupid either. I don't go certain places and announce here comes Ken the alcoholic and expect there not to be negative consequences. My boss would probably agree. I am not saying that.

But just like people look at me and don't know certain things about me I don't need to wear it on my sleeve. I need not put it out in front of everything I do in such a way I trip on it everywhere I go. At some point in time I must own it and allow being an alcoholic to be just another part of me. I am continually learning to live with and navigate life with it. I have stopped trying to wrestle it to the ground and instead I see me and my life for what it is.

There are many ways to see my addictions. I can allow it to own me or I can live life and allow me to move with it.

My addictions are the prism now. Splitting light differently than before. But still colorful and brilliant if I let it.

Great stuff Ken!! :You_Rock_

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. :hug:

Great post, very insightful.

Very moving, Ken. Thank you .:tyou

I bolded that part because it speaks to me. Having had an addiction has changed me in profound ways, but it does not solely define me. Lots of things in my life have profoundly changed me, so I can't pick just one and hold it up as my identity.

Beautiful post. I always enjoy your way with words. xo

Loved this post go on Weasel

What an eloquent post my friend. We are fortunate to have you participate so freely. Thank you!

Weasel, I love it. I wonder if this is a generational thing, though? I am 56 and most of my friends have never had drinking issues and are also socially liberal. It seems that later generations are less likely to conflate, say, addiction and gayness, or "alternative lifestyles" and shame or stigma?

My father was gay, and an alcoholic, and from what I know of his history he drank to escape a crappy childhood and a whole lot of guilt. But he was from a Catholic background that stigmatized all of that.

Anyhow, to your main point - you are saying, basically, that your alcoholism doesn't define you, right? And I totally agree with that. We are so much more than our addiction. I think that is my main issue with my experience with AA (and I know that it has been an incredibly useful tool for millions of people) - that the AA old-timers I got to know are so wrapped up in that one aspect of their lives, it seemed....limiting. Don't get me wrong; it's a beautiful alternative to daily drinking and since it works, more power to it. But I agree: if possible, I'd rather be remembered for my true self, not my label as The Noble Alcoholic. Because that is totally not me.

Hey Weasel1966, very nice post, thank-you.
Some points that are spot-on with me.

Beautifully said! Thank you. :)

Good stuff.

I view it like missing a finger. It doesn't define my life but it also doesn't mean I have all my fingers