matilda123

Thursday my partner had a procedure and we were at the hospital for 14 hours. I was so exhausted and worried and kept thinking, I'll have a drink when I get home.

Fortunately, while he was in surgery, I was reading Ann Dowsett Johnson's book Drink--specifically, the chapter about alcohol and numbing. I use alcohol so much to numb out and recognized that that was what I was wanting to do when i got home. So grateful to the universe for that book and that chapter--really made me think about how, often, I push on, at work and home, until the point of exhaustion and then, when I need a quick "check out," I use alcohol to get it when really I should just go to sleep!

One thing I'm realizing is that sober me can't do as much as drinking me; I don't think that is such a bad thing, either.

least

Welcome to the family. I used alcohol to numb my depression and anxiety. I finally realized that it not only numbed the bad things, but also the good things. I couldn't feel pain but I couldn't feel joy either.

The sober me deals with feelings instead of trying to get rid of them. It took some time to learn how, but I figured it out.

SoberComposer

Recovery is such an amazing experience. Every month is dynamically different and life-inspiring! Congratulations Matilda123, it only gets better from here!

SoberComposer

Not to mention actually overcoming problems that plagued us for years. Sobriety is the one of the truest feelings of freedom that I have had!

PurpleKnight

I really had to examine and break down that thought process, what was it about alcohol that was appealing when life got stressful or it threw me a few curve balls?

Part of it was habit, I'd done it for so long so it was a natural reflex, and the other part was alcohol before I had that drink promised so much, my endorphins started to flow and the idea of a drink was sold to me by own mind that it was the saviour I was looking for.

However it was a myth and a fairytale, first of all it didn't fix anything, as you mention it only numbed life away for a bit, and then in the morning whatever I was numbing away was there staring me in the face again, and during that drink it was never just the 1 glass, it was usually a bottle or two and so an incredible hangover with regret was created as an added bonus.

When I got Sober I really needed to work out a few new tools in the toolbox of life to deal with things rather than turning to alcohol!!

Great job on pushing through!!

Soberwolf

This

Stevie1

Yes absolutely, I also use alcohol to "calm down" my thinking and stress, and block out unpleasantness - utterly illogical of course, since it clearly doesn't work and makes everything worse.

I need to remember when my father died, it was quite sudden and traumatic. I was in the middle of a period of heavy drinking then, and weirdly enough, decided not to drink during that time. I realised I wanted to feel my emotions, not squash them down and away.

JanieJ

I really identify with this ! So much numbing and stupidly late nights sitting in a stupor thinking I felt ok...

Hope the procedure went well.

august19

When I was in rehab, my counselor helped me realize that I used alcohol to numb - when I was in my 20s, I lost my father, my husband and my two best friends within 5 years of each other. We had a 3 yr old when my husband died at 24, so I felt I didn't have time to grieve (for him or the others), so never went through the whole stages of grief...I was sober for years. When my son went off to college, I started drinking and things went slowly but progressively down hill until for the past 5 years I was a full-blown, roaring alcoholic. Able to function well for two weeks, stumbled and mumbled for two weeks, drink-sleep, drink-sleep for two weeks, quit for two weeks, then push repeat.

After realizing what the alcohol was covering up, I've been able to sober up and (at least for now), stay that way for 68 days. Drinking is perfect for dealing temporarily with bad things/thoughts/feelings, but always ALWAYS leads to worse experiences.

I wish you the best. My advice is not to drink at all - we'll all be pulling for you.

matilda123

Thank you, all of you, for your kind thoughts and advice. Tuesday will be three weeks of sobriety. I know that I'm far from out of the weeds: I usually make it about this far, and then start drinking, and part of it has to do with feelings. I was raped at 14, and although I have had a lot of therapy about it (and it has been about 30 years) there is still a lot of feelings there that I haven't processed, including the fact that I never told my family what happened. But that being said, I'm also feeling a lot of joy and happiness--you have to take all the feelings, the good and the bad...

Ruby2

Matilda, I used it to numb. I think you are doing quite well to have realized that so quickly. Took me years. And it's still painful to face emotions without the alcohol as I am learning as I go. Keep on. There will be answers. You have gone through pain and made it this far.