Abandonment
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by Nuudawn 
AND...I have decided to close my business (a long emotional burden) and move. I'll hitting the Klondike Trail to the Yukon sometime this week. I'm packing up my Tacoma and headin' North. I lived there before and LOVED it. I have family there (my sister who is also in recovery)...and there is much economic promise.
Reality is, at some of these, I've failed miserably. Repeatedly, and no human or whatever higher power could make me succeed at some of these experiences. Oh well. Never held me back... maybe a little bit
There is something I'm really really in. Beyond all explorations, trials, errors, pain, suffering, retrying, and suffering again... beyond beauty and pain, hope and desperation. I believe in finding an optimal way of dealing with the world for each individual lifetime. Using a combination of traits, experiences, feelings, goals, motivations, love, belonging,... pretty much anything we can muster out of our personal reality.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by StarXI
Giirlll ... I just have to say that a few things you said remind me of a relationship I went through years back.
1. He was a Sociopath.
2. I have BPD, self destructive and addictive qualities.. perfect "wounded flower" to manipulate.
3. If he did this now consider yourself lucky (and DO NOT let him back in)... I went through a few years of being dragged through the mud, jumping through hoops and driving myself crazy.
Trust. Your. Gut.
You were found in a time of weakness and need to process your addiction further and come into yourself (probably single) before you can gain the self respect to not put up with a guy with issues that seem to be a bad addition to your new recovery. The drama can be a trigger. Stay strong.
1. He was a Sociopath.
2. I have BPD, self destructive and addictive qualities.. perfect "wounded flower" to manipulate.
3. If he did this now consider yourself lucky (and DO NOT let him back in)... I went through a few years of being dragged through the mud, jumping through hoops and driving myself crazy.
Trust. Your. Gut.
You were found in a time of weakness and need to process your addiction further and come into yourself (probably single) before you can gain the self respect to not put up with a guy with issues that seem to be a bad addition to your new recovery. The drama can be a trigger. Stay strong.
Although I KNOW he is not a sociopath. He is a well respected/love high school teacher. He loves his kids...and is stable
Something about what you are saying is nigglin' at me.
Early on in the relationship he told me both his ex's were CRAZY.
I looked at him and said "you DO know that is a red flag right?".
He looked at me confused. I told him ...that's what all abusive people say.
AND he DID come on like a locomotive in a lot of ways
Met his kids right away...introduced me to colleagues..started referring to me as his girlfriend. I did think it was all happening very fast.
ALL of this seemed ..ya well....like a red flag.
Last night in the texting...the context was odd...like telling me my calling him a chicken made him cry.
And YA KNOW...he told me a number of stories where women he dated seemed to stalk him.
He told me he dated only one woman since his ex. He said that they had 2 dates a year ago. And that apparently she's going around telling people they are STILL dating.
A couple weeks ago ..he says a work friend said to him that he bumped into the woman he was seeing. He went on to detail that the friend say he said to him "ya she seemed nice but kind of wierd...but she was completely hammered".
So he tells me...well, then I KNEW it wasn't you cuz you don't drink. So he laughs and says so "guess who it was? That girl I told you about I had two dates with".
Okay..AGAIN ...spidey sense was telling me. THIS IS A WEIRD STORY AND SOMETHING IS OFF.
Hmmmmmmm....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I'll hitting the Klondike Trail to the Yukon sometime this week. I'm packing up my Tacoma and headin' North. I lived there before and LOVED it. I have family there (my sister who is also in recovery)...and there is much economic promise.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: California
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Um..ya know.
Although I KNOW he is not a sociopath. He is a well respected/love high school teacher. He loves his kids...and is stable
Something about what you are saying is nigglin' at me.
Early on in the relationship he told me both his ex's were CRAZY.
I looked at him and said "you DO know that is a red flag right?".
He looked at me confused. I told him ...that's what all abusive people say.
AND he DID come on like a locomotive in a lot of ways
Met his kids right away...introduced me to colleagues..started referring to me as his girlfriend. I did think it was all happening very fast.
ALL of this seemed ..ya well....like a red flag.
Last night in the texting...the context was odd...like telling me my calling him a chicken made him cry.
And YA KNOW...he told me a number of stories where women he dated seemed to stalk him.
He told me he dated only one woman since his ex. He said that they had 2 dates a year ago. And that apparently she's going around telling people they are STILL dating.
A couple weeks ago ..he says a work friend said to him that he bumped into the woman he was seeing. He went on to detail that the friend say he said to him "ya she seemed nice but kind of wierd...but she was completely hammered".
So he tells me...well, then I KNEW it wasn't you cuz you don't drink. So he laughs and says so "guess who it was? That girl I told you about I had two dates with".
Okay..AGAIN ...spidey sense was telling me. THIS IS A WEIRD STORY AND SOMETHING IS OFF.
Hmmmmmmm....
Although I KNOW he is not a sociopath. He is a well respected/love high school teacher. He loves his kids...and is stable
Something about what you are saying is nigglin' at me.
Early on in the relationship he told me both his ex's were CRAZY.
I looked at him and said "you DO know that is a red flag right?".
He looked at me confused. I told him ...that's what all abusive people say.
AND he DID come on like a locomotive in a lot of ways
Met his kids right away...introduced me to colleagues..started referring to me as his girlfriend. I did think it was all happening very fast.
ALL of this seemed ..ya well....like a red flag.
Last night in the texting...the context was odd...like telling me my calling him a chicken made him cry.
And YA KNOW...he told me a number of stories where women he dated seemed to stalk him.
He told me he dated only one woman since his ex. He said that they had 2 dates a year ago. And that apparently she's going around telling people they are STILL dating.
A couple weeks ago ..he says a work friend said to him that he bumped into the woman he was seeing. He went on to detail that the friend say he said to him "ya she seemed nice but kind of wierd...but she was completely hammered".
So he tells me...well, then I KNEW it wasn't you cuz you don't drink. So he laughs and says so "guess who it was? That girl I told you about I had two dates with".
Okay..AGAIN ...spidey sense was telling me. THIS IS A WEIRD STORY AND SOMETHING IS OFF.
Hmmmmmmm....
But I will tell you this : A sociopathic, narcissistic, manipulative, or otherwise person ... does NOT necessarily show outward signs *right away* (other than maybe those spidey senses haha). In fact they can play the nice guy, the prince charming, the soul mate ... or whatever character they think will work for you.
Often they are well liked, intelligent, charming, respected members of the community with friends and family. They are excellent manipulators and I'll tell you what ... my ex was a respected audio engineer, a DJ, had a large family support system (of equally weird people it turns out), kids he spend a lot of time with, a huge amount of long time "friends" and enough "crazy" ex gfs to fill a stadium.
The game is, they know exactly what they are doing - saying - not saying and projecting to each person they interact with. There is a THICK layer of BS that often they believe themselves (why they are so good at it) masking their true lack of empathy.
Again - not saying this him and its often hard to diagnose ... but they can range on a spectrum I believe - of functioning.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ah, heading to the Far North, where light and darkness both greedily claim half a year each and everything is an adventure...
Nuu, re-create, become new, shed a skin. Have an awesome journey.
Like grandma always says "good riddance to bad rubbish.." my favorite mantra as I break from relationships that made no sense to me (&, btw, you'll never make sense of it, so you can save all that sense-making energy for other endeavors).
Dee - thanks for the soundtrack; it's just right!
Nuu, re-create, become new, shed a skin. Have an awesome journey.
Like grandma always says "good riddance to bad rubbish.." my favorite mantra as I break from relationships that made no sense to me (&, btw, you'll never make sense of it, so you can save all that sense-making energy for other endeavors).
Dee - thanks for the soundtrack; it's just right!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Mare Crisium
Posts: 1,930
And a Nuu day will Dawn.
Did you ever think that HE wasn't good enough for YOU?
Thank goodness you had the opportunity to find out now, not later on.
Move onward and stop dwelling upon him. I know that sounds too easy.
Guess what?
It is!
Pick yourself up, be thankful and and let life happen.
He ain't worth it.
Did you ever think that HE wasn't good enough for YOU?
Thank goodness you had the opportunity to find out now, not later on.
Move onward and stop dwelling upon him. I know that sounds too easy.
Guess what?
It is!
Pick yourself up, be thankful and and let life happen.
He ain't worth it.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i well remember giving a few words of caution to one of your posts nu a while ago when the romance was in the air and your head was full of what you and him were like as kids at school or something like that
we build things up in our own mind based on nothing that is real only what we think is real and there is a huge difference
however like always people either take advice or ignore it i did exactly the same when people in aa told me to wait a while before getting involved with anyone
in my head i was lonely and wanted a female to look after me and i will look after them of course lol it would be perfect and everything would be happy in my life if i just had someone to share my life with : )
its dam hard work getting to know the real person behind everyone masks that they wear
no one goes on a date smelling like a rotten egg or looking like they have just woke up in the morning
they all put on the nice clothes look as best as they can in order to fool someone into thinking they will look like this forever
why dont ladies go out wearing mud packs or curlers in there hair ? or blokes go out wearing soiled underwear or burping and farting on the first date ?
how do these sorts of things creep into a relationship later on ?
but the upshot is we have to either learn to live with them and accpet thats how a person is or not
to me it looks like the guy has got to see you and you see him now and the life in the fast lane had slowed down as doubts start to kick in
its ended like relationships do when one or the other or both feel like there is no future in it
so at least you gave it a try it didnt work out and you have found it out now rather than much later on
but most importanly you have no picked a drink up on it no matter how you feel
that to me is amazing so well done for that just mark this down to experience and part of growth : ) in a few weeks time you will look back and see yourself how well you have coped so long as you dont pick up that first drink
good luck to you
we build things up in our own mind based on nothing that is real only what we think is real and there is a huge difference
however like always people either take advice or ignore it i did exactly the same when people in aa told me to wait a while before getting involved with anyone
in my head i was lonely and wanted a female to look after me and i will look after them of course lol it would be perfect and everything would be happy in my life if i just had someone to share my life with : )
its dam hard work getting to know the real person behind everyone masks that they wear
no one goes on a date smelling like a rotten egg or looking like they have just woke up in the morning
they all put on the nice clothes look as best as they can in order to fool someone into thinking they will look like this forever
why dont ladies go out wearing mud packs or curlers in there hair ? or blokes go out wearing soiled underwear or burping and farting on the first date ?
how do these sorts of things creep into a relationship later on ?
but the upshot is we have to either learn to live with them and accpet thats how a person is or not
to me it looks like the guy has got to see you and you see him now and the life in the fast lane had slowed down as doubts start to kick in
its ended like relationships do when one or the other or both feel like there is no future in it
so at least you gave it a try it didnt work out and you have found it out now rather than much later on
but most importanly you have no picked a drink up on it no matter how you feel
that to me is amazing so well done for that just mark this down to experience and part of growth : ) in a few weeks time you will look back and see yourself how well you have coped so long as you dont pick up that first drink
good luck to you
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I would agree with being a bit strategical about moving and starting a "new life" in a new environment. I did it 4 times in my life so far (lived in 4 different countries also), but never spontaneously. All the moves were linked based on a specific line in my professional life, although I did shift the fields quite a bit with each job. I never had personal life connections between the moves and places, though. My view is that it's good to have at least something that connects these adventures, to provide some level of security. For me, otherwise I would feel it's too risky. But we are all different...
The psychological driving force and other motivations behind all this "searching" for me... I could write a book about that! Maybe I will someday To give the punchline: it's a form of identity search. Sounds like it may be for you as well, Nuu. I started brand new projects and a different lifestyle at each place, then when I moved, left them behind to whoever got involved in it. We can definitely also call this running away, question of the angle how we look at it. I'm pretty much done with it now though, at least that's how I feel right now.
The psychological driving force and other motivations behind all this "searching" for me... I could write a book about that! Maybe I will someday
To give the punchline: it's a form of identity search. Sounds like it may be for you as well, Nuu. I started brand new projects and a different lifestyle at each place, then when I moved, left them behind to whoever got involved in it. We can definitely also call this running away, question of the angle how we look at it. I'm pretty much done with it now though, at least that's how I feel right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
My major concern is that you may be running away rather than starting over. At the same time, sometimes we need to run away in order start over.
He contacted me when I was waffling on the idea..when I was nervous (and feel lazy about all involved in making the move)
He appeared like a "shining new answer"! Oh look he lives in an area of town that I want to live in!! And oh its' right by the river path I would love to jog on regularly. Oh and I don't have to move ..yadda yadda yadda...
Am I running away? Yes..in a way...but...I really do want to leave here. There is so much more opportunity in Whitehorse...economic and otherwise.
I lived there bout 15 years ago for bout 8 months..and loved it. There is a surprisingly large arts/culture community there. It's a capital city so it has everything..but with a small town friendly feel.
I moved back here....because of a guy...yup. And when that ended..well, I have said it here before that was the "TSN turning point" of my drinking where I could not face the underbelly of deep and pervasive self loathing and shame and pain. I went from a woman who drank to much on the occasions that she did drink...to a daily drinker to manage pain...
I have always wondered how my life would have went had I not moved here..had I not left a city I loved dearly. I remember the last time I went to visit my sister a few years ago...I felt a strong pull back there...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
Id like to follow Dee, maybe a wagon trail
and horses, run into the Ben Cartwright,
and his sons and Festus on Gunsmoke....lol
......Heading to Virginia City and stay on
the Bonanza Ranch...lol
and horses, run into the Ben Cartwright,
and his sons and Festus on Gunsmoke....lol
......Heading to Virginia City and stay on
the Bonanza Ranch...lol
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