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Abandonment

Old 10-25-2014, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post

I learned to be careful and to guard my heart. I make everything romantic and larger than life. Not saying I will remember this lesson- but there is it.
I do that too. I love that about myself. Totally worth the pain. Not at the time of course but in the final analysis it is. I try to remember that it is a reflection of my own capacity for love and not so much about the object it was directed toward.
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Old 10-25-2014, 03:26 PM
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Maybe it was the new (Nuu) you that frightened him?

If he has "rescuing" tendencies, perhaps he didn't quite know what to do next, when he found out that you actually have your life running along pretty nicely.

Sometimes people "show" you who they are instead of telling you..... He showed you a piece of himself by abandoning you.

Worthy of the new you?

Let him run
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Old 10-25-2014, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by silentrun View Post
I do that too. I love that about myself. Totally worth the pain. Not at the time of course but in the final analysis it is. I try to remember that it is a reflection of my own capacity for love and not so much about the object it was directed toward.
Oh, agree.

I would far rather love and lose than never love at all.

When I stopped seeing high school friend I said, "I think it's really sad that you don't want anyone to love you, but it's your life."

Because I'm so vain I thought it was all about him. HIM being shut down. Maybe he won't be shut down with the next one. Doesn't really matter what the reason was, but I wanted to blame him and he graciously didn't argue the point - whether it was correct or not. Maybe he just didn't like me. I don't like oysters. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with oysters.




wait. there totally is.
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Old 10-25-2014, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawks View Post
Maybe it was the new (Nuu) you that frightened him?

If he has "rescuing" tendencies, perhaps he didn't quite know what to do next, when he found out that you actually have your life running along pretty nicely.

Sometimes people "show" you who they are instead of telling you..... He showed you a piece of himself by abandoning you.

Worthy of the new you?

Let him run
You may be on to something their Hawks..from what he has told I was able to surmise that:
First wife was alcoholic
Second..pill addict
Both still active in addiction.

His father: Alcoholic.

I am in RECOVERY.
So perhaps I can see the abandonment as a sign of my HEALTH.
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Old 10-25-2014, 04:02 PM
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Nuu...you nailed it in your first sentence in this thread;

Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
In sobriety, I have realized that my alcoholism was an extreme case of self abandonment.
Please take this as gently as it's meant (although the words may sound harsh), as I've delayed posting this for a while - but I feel focusing on someone else is another form of abandoning yourself and not fronting up to look after you.

Despite what you went on to write in your first post, even though you are sober, this guy did NOT get to know the real you. YOU don't even know the real you yet this early. He did not reject you - I see you rejecting you and abandoning you in the wake of the next person who comes along and shows you some attention.

Be gentle on yourself, read your first post again...there's anger there, at him, at life, for throwing you a curve ball when you are trying so hard at sticking to sobriety. You know this bit, this is the tantrum throwing part where we scream, "cut me a break, I deserve it for all my hard work!!!".

The thing is, when I read it, I see you throwing all your sobriety anger at him, for abandoning you. You finish the post angry at "the powers that be".

The person who has all the power to protect yourself is you. The only abandonment I see is you abandoning yourself and getting upset and angry about something you know probably was not the best thing to pursue in early sobriety.

Mulling over his family history, relationship history, how he was a "wolf in sheeps clothing", "I trusted him".....is a diversion. It's time to mull over you.
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Old 10-25-2014, 04:06 PM
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Sounds like he was looking for a "Patsy" to save

No Patsy, much confusion, he bolts.

It is a good sign
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Old 10-25-2014, 04:21 PM
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Thank you, Nuu, for this thread. You have no idea how helpful it is for me, it's a coincidence... very eye-opening. When I first read your OP and I "listened" to my immediate reaction to it (what I wrote down in my post), it was like an instant light bulb. I'm just struggling through this also, yet again, just not in a romantic relationship but other kind, relative to my father. I almost made my old mistake again early last week after he reached out to me pretty much with the clearest and most direct cry for help and "I need you". I almost said, yet again, "not a good time, I have too much commitments right now at work". Thank God I posted about it here on SR immediately and the wonderful people here helped me restore me to sane and reasonable judgment. So I did not avoid being vulnerable and... well yeah, very overwhelmed emotionally. After making the right decision and did what I truly wanted to do, I knew it was probably one of the best decisions I made in the past few years... Yay, for personal growth, with lots of help!

Yay for you as well, we may be on the opposite sides of this particular problem but I think we are doing it right. Moving forward. All these weird, wonderful, and awful features of human nature
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Old 10-25-2014, 04:27 PM
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Thank you all so much for helping me process all of this. You guys are amazing..this place a blessing I am overwhelmed by.

Croissant?
Bingo.
Each and every word.
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Old 10-25-2014, 04:32 PM
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I'm sorry you're feeling so badly.
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Old 10-25-2014, 04:50 PM
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All of you...I feel like I have just been taking and taking and taking from you all of late..

I look forward to a return to my "self"...where I can again help others.

I guess right now...I have to re-affix my oxygen mask for awhile.
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Old 10-25-2014, 05:01 PM
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Abandonment/loss is so hard to deal with. I am sorry to hear about your situation NuuDawn.

Try not to see that a higher power sent him too you. You are now sober and exuding more self-confidence so there will def be more men approaching you. When I was drinking, I very rarely had women look in my direction but since quitting nearly 3 months ago I have had to explain that I am not dating to more than one girl. For me, I am just simply not ready to open myself up for pain at the moment. There are soo maany lost people out there not facing their own reality and because of this they have little life-plans or long-term goals that they are actually willing to sacrifice immediate gratification for. This modern age of dating is so risky for caring and loving people. The only way that I can see is getting to know people as friends first. Only problem is most people don't really want friends if they can't get what they want from you. They will try to convince you they are good but most of the time they disappear when they don't get what they want.

Stay strong Nuudawn. The plight of 'good people' is long and hard but the rewards are pure and true. Do not give up :-) and know you will be challenged many more times. Each challenge teaches us how to avoid these nasty situations and brings us closer to happiness.

By the way, I hope I didn't come off too preachy there
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Old 10-25-2014, 06:13 PM
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My heart aches for you Nuu. Gotta say that I had a similar experience this time last year. I met a really nice guy and was quite smitten with him. We dated for about 3 months and he broke it off. Said he needed to work on himself. He suffered from ptsd from Vietnam . I thought I had done something wrong. I questioned myself and wondered how I had screwed up. It took me a while to realize that I hadn't done anything wrong. It just wasn't meant to be...and it's ok. You can move on from this also. The right person will cross your path when the time is right.
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Old 10-25-2014, 06:31 PM
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Nuu I have taken the liberty of editing two of your posts to point out something that you already know but may have missed during this difficult time.

Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
Someone leaves the real me..
Not the drinking me...
And that just destroys my understanding of everything.
Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
I finally PICKED UP the phone and gave him an earful. The truth is..he DOESN'T know me.
In your OP you said he had left the "real" you as opposed to the drinking you but, as you rightly point out, he didn't know you.

Your sober antennae went up when this relationship involved constant texting rather than meeting up. Your antennae was up about a number of other things too but you ignored your own sense and judgement.

It will be a damn lucky guy who ends up having a relationship with you. You've learned an important lesson here, put your trust in Nuu.
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Old 10-25-2014, 07:42 PM
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Hi Nuudawn -

Sorry to hear you're being tested this way - particularly at 4 months.

Making meaning, perhaps growing your capacity for resilience is part of your healing journey. We heal SO MUCH during our 1st year. The more challenges we go through, the greater the transformation

As a silver lining, the person who I was attracted to (and who attracted me) at 1 year was MUCH improved over 3 months, but I really needed to do the work solo to get there.

I hope you do feel better soon!
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Old 10-25-2014, 07:48 PM
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It seems like I won't sleep tonight here in Europe right now, so I thought, why not post this to Nuudawn

The thought process started from this thread of yours > memory of a few of your others threads > my current reality > an old insignificant thread of mine that you commented on:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4840559

... and > I just had this old JLo song in mind for you. Could you be singing this as well?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYfkl-HXfuU
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Old 10-25-2014, 08:38 PM
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(((Nuudawn)))
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Old 10-25-2014, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by happyandfree View Post
My heart aches for you Nuu. Gotta say that I had a similar experience this time last year. I met a really nice guy and was quite smitten with him. We dated for about 3 months and he broke it off. Said he needed to work on himself. He suffered from ptsd from Vietnam . I thought I had done something wrong. I questioned myself and wondered how I had screwed up. It took me a while to realize that I hadn't done anything wrong. It just wasn't meant to be...and it's ok. You can move on from this also. The right person will cross your path when the time is right.
Thank you for sharing a similar circumstance...that helps me so much. It is so hard not to make it about ourselves...rejection and all that.

This too ..was not meant to be. Although I am still struggling through ever changing emotional tides, I know he was not the man for me. I just didn't want to admit it. We spent every Friday and Saturday night together for 2 months. The first few dates were non stop conversation as we caught up on each other's lives since high school....but it was all subsiding somehow....and THAT was due to a lack of "intimate" connection. Nobody was sharing their stories with their whole heart.....
And I know that was not me...I know I felt "stunted" somehow...like those sorts of conversations were "unwelcome" somehow. We did share values..but we did not share ourselves.
Then again...who really does in such a short time frame.

And yes, I have a long way to go in understanding who I truly am and what I truly need.

AND...I have decided to close my business (a long emotional burden) and move. I'll hitting the Klondike Trail to the Yukon sometime this week. I'm packing up my Tacoma and headin' North. I lived there before and LOVED it. I have family there (my sister who is also in recovery)...and there is much economic promise.

Yuuuuuuup.
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Old 10-25-2014, 08:56 PM
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I've been busier than a one armed paper hanger today so I've only just seen this...but there are so many good responses here I'm just gonna shut my yap

mostly LOL

This may be one of those 'I want to slap Dee's face' type platitudes but it's true....all endings are beginnings too.

You made a healthy decision, although a painful one. A decision for YOU.
It may not seem like cause for celebration now, but it's beyond awesome. Really

D
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Old 10-25-2014, 09:00 PM
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Giirlll ... I just have to say that a few things you said remind me of a relationship I went through years back.

1. He was a Sociopath.
2. I have BPD, self destructive and addictive qualities.. perfect "wounded flower" to manipulate.
3. If he did this now consider yourself lucky (and DO NOT let him back in)... I went through a few years of being dragged through the mud, jumping through hoops and driving myself crazy.

Trust. Your. Gut.

You were found in a time of weakness and need to process your addiction further and come into yourself (probably single) before you can gain the self respect to not put up with a guy with issues that seem to be a bad addition to your new recovery. The drama can be a trigger. Stay strong.
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Old 10-25-2014, 09:03 PM
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AND...I have decided to close my business (a long emotional burden) and move. I'll hitting the Klondike Trail to the Yukon sometime this week. I'm packing up my Tacoma and headin' North. I lived there before and LOVED it. I have family there (my sister who is also in recovery)...and there is much economic promise.
you have to sing this...all the way



happy prospecting

D
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