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trying to refrain from enabling but its complicated

Old 10-23-2014, 04:40 PM
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trying to refrain from enabling but its complicated

My brother is a drug addict, going on 20 yrs, he is divorced but produced 4 children before the divorce. Both he and my ex-sister-in-law have been found unfit parents by the courts and lost custody of the children. My mother has custody! Retired and back to raising young children. Unfortunately my mother cannot give up on my brother for more reasons that just desperation to see him free from the drugs and healthy. She has an absurd hope that he will chose to be clean to become a full time parent to his children. She is clinging to this hope because now, after deciding she was the best person to take custody of my nieces realizes that she can't do it for the long haul.
Despite that the courts deemed him unfit and initially said he couldn't be alone with the children (due to his addiction and related anger issues) she has moved him into the home she is raising the children in. Initially this was sort of ok as he did one month of rehab and appeared to be attending meetings and staying somewhat clean. But I learned later that this was a very short lived exercise. My mum lied and hide his return to alcohol and then drug abuse.
I committed to supporting my mum in caring for my nieces by traveling to the town they live in very two weeks to let her escape for the weekend and taking the kids for a few weeks in the summer so she could get away on a very much earned and deserved holiday. I managed to keep this up for a year and a half, and less frequently for another 6-8 months. BUT when I discovered she was lying and hiding my brothers return to alcohol and then drug use and abuse I felt betrayed. It is often as bad or worse than it used to be. My last three trips up to help out have been complete disasters. Drug binges or the aftermath have dominated the visits. As I hadn't been there for a while, because my mum said she didn't need me because my brother was able to handle watching the kids and she could take her breaks that way, I had no idea what was going on.
Couple problems:
I think my mum could be jeopardizing my nieces ,even if only their mental health by continuing to expose them to the drug addict.
It takes me as much as two weeks to recover emotionally from the visits.
I believe that I am enabling her, making it easier for her to enable my brother.
I want to stop but I fear for my nieces. I feel like I have to stay in the cycle. Having said that I have withdrawn a great deal and just need to figure out how to keep distancing myself. BUT, again I fear for my nieces.
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Old 10-23-2014, 05:04 PM
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You consider talking to the court? Do you think, they would be better in foster care?
I understand your pain for your nieces . They are the innocent victims in this.
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Old 10-23-2014, 05:10 PM
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I'm sorry for this situation.

Are there other options for caring for your nephews and nieces? Is there another family member who could help out or take them full-time?

I hope you can make some boundaries for yourself so that you can maintain your own life.
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Old 10-23-2014, 05:18 PM
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UpTB,

First, you have to take care of yourself. It sounds as if you are the single most important positive adult role model in the lives of your nieces. The guardianship situation under your mother's roof sounds inherently neglectful of the girls' emotional well-being and beneficial only for maintaining the status quo of the adults.

As minors, dependents, the girls need support for their own perspective, life stage and experiences. Finding social support is essential. Do you know if there is, or could be, a case worker involved or any other type of external social guidance and support for this complex situation?

I am sorry that you are experiencing such a stressful, emotional situation with your family and hope that you will find the support and guidance that you seek. Your instinct to step out of the dysfunction is solid. Stick around. There is a lot of wisdom here. And for what it is worth, stepping up for those who cannot makes you a strong b-word and not uptight in the least. Hugs to you.

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Old 10-23-2014, 05:34 PM
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Here's the 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' forum and there is also one for 'Friends and Family of Substance Abusers'.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

A wealth of support and experience.

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Old 12-05-2014, 01:28 PM
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Thanks for the posts of support and advice.

Now it's getting close to the holidays and there's pressure to go visit for Christmas!

Just spent 20 mins on the phone with my mum, she wants me to be there for Christmas Day. Truthfully I really don't want to be for two reasons; I'm in a great relationship and want to be with my boyfriend and his son and because I don't want to deal with the potential drama at my mums house.

My mother fully acknowledges that my brother is an addict and she can't control him and that he is not reliable (I infer sober) right now.

During our conversation she told me that she thinks he got high the last 3 times I visited them because he is uncomfortable around me and we talked this idea over. But after I got off the phone it hit me, she just blamed me for him choosing to get high! She's saying it's my fault, again! She said that it was out of character for him to get high. A month after my last visit she told me they were fighting because he was 'behaving badly' and that she told him he had to get out, stay somewhere else. I wasn't there, I wasn't planning to visit, I hadn't been there for a month, so, he does get high without me around, it is in his character to behave badly when I'm not there. I might be a trigger but I would only be one of 20 or 100 or 1,000 triggers.

I've had to listen to things like this for years. I'm so hurt and I feel like an outsider in my own family and this feeling is getting worse and worse. She must hate me so much to say things like that.

I know she is trapped and trying to do so much for our family but it's not my fault he gets high and it's not fair to suggest it is. I feel like she really cannot let all the blame fall at his feet. She can't really hold him responsible for his choices.

She's so worried that people think it's her fault and gets very defensive even when no one has said a word of blame to her. She is almost desperate for a scape goat and doesn't hesitate to blame anyone.

I feel like I will have to disown my family soon.
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