I screwed up really bad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
I screwed up really bad.
Well. On Sunday I decided to pick up a bottle of wine after just shy of 60 days sobriety.
I honestly don't remember most of the next 4 days after that. What I do remember is that within 4 hours I was back to IV drug using in my condo. I didn’t show up for work for 4 days. I didn't talk to my fiance for 4 days (he was out of town) and he pretty much lost it when he came home last night. I drained all of my bank accounts including our joint account and all of his money. The smell was unbearable he said and our condo is absolutely disgusting. He screamed at me for hours on end and told me I’m a disgusting junkie (bleep – profanities) and a waste of life. That I physically disgust him as a human being. Yup, I’d have to agree with you there. I disgust me too. Then I threatened to kill myself and seriously considered it for the first time in my life. He took away my pills and watched me all night.
I sent pictures of me IV’ing drugs to people in AA. Like I somehow in that mental state thought that was a good idea or funny. Talk about mega self sabotage?
I’m back at work today and I’m sober today - I somehow still have a job (don’t ask me how...) and I’m having full blown full body panic attacks that haven’t stopped since yesterday. This is really really awful.
Really really awful.
I honestly don't remember most of the next 4 days after that. What I do remember is that within 4 hours I was back to IV drug using in my condo. I didn’t show up for work for 4 days. I didn't talk to my fiance for 4 days (he was out of town) and he pretty much lost it when he came home last night. I drained all of my bank accounts including our joint account and all of his money. The smell was unbearable he said and our condo is absolutely disgusting. He screamed at me for hours on end and told me I’m a disgusting junkie (bleep – profanities) and a waste of life. That I physically disgust him as a human being. Yup, I’d have to agree with you there. I disgust me too. Then I threatened to kill myself and seriously considered it for the first time in my life. He took away my pills and watched me all night.
I sent pictures of me IV’ing drugs to people in AA. Like I somehow in that mental state thought that was a good idea or funny. Talk about mega self sabotage?
I’m back at work today and I’m sober today - I somehow still have a job (don’t ask me how...) and I’m having full blown full body panic attacks that haven’t stopped since yesterday. This is really really awful.
Really really awful.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
I'm sorry this happened and I'm glad you're back here seeking support. I'm sure things look terribly bleak, but you can get through this.
I think you need to figure out why you picked up wine after 60 days sober. What were you thinking that caused you to take that direction?
I think you need to figure out why you picked up wine after 60 days sober. What were you thinking that caused you to take that direction?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
It saddens me to read your post as it’s a shocking reminder how quickly a life that’s getting better is so easily changed. I remember when I went through similar slides.
As I’ve said I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and surrendered to the fact I cannot drink in safety even many years later.
I/we need a program to follow with all our determination available.
This is an example of how alcohol is so Powerful, cunning and baffling.
BE WELL
It saddens me to read your post as it’s a shocking reminder how quickly a life that’s getting better is so easily changed. I remember when I went through similar slides.
As I’ve said I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and surrendered to the fact I cannot drink in safety even many years later.
I/we need a program to follow with all our determination available.
This is an example of how alcohol is so Powerful, cunning and baffling.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 
Anna I have no recollection of what happened or what was going through my mind preceeding me going to the liquor store.
I honestly don't.
I honestly don't.
In AA it’s said that a relapse often starts a period of time before picking up the first drink. For instance we may be angry or resentful about something and struggling with it or we may be over tired, Financial worry, other worries, anxious about a medical situation and on and on. Just a thought.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Was it being on your own and having your boyfriend out of town? Like, "Oh, I can be bad and no one will know"?
Seems like a lot of people self-sabotage when their significant other is away. Like being a little kid again and putting one over on someone. Or being resentful that the other person is away or something. Then, once started, addict-brain takes over.
Regardless, very sad about this. Get back at it.
Seems like a lot of people self-sabotage when their significant other is away. Like being a little kid again and putting one over on someone. Or being resentful that the other person is away or something. Then, once started, addict-brain takes over.
Regardless, very sad about this. Get back at it.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I relapsed after five years clean. Five years! Gone in a weekend. Why? I wanted to. How did I get to the point of wanting to? Because I took my eye off the goal and slacked off on my recovery. It happens. It took me five years. Happened took you in 60 days.
It easy to want sobriety after a devastating relapse. It is harder when you forget the pain and shame, when the idea of getting drunk and high looks appealing. You need to take to steps to get past those rough patches. I don't know what you were doing for your recovery, but it was insufficient. I hope your desire for sobriety now prompts you to do what it takes.
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1
All I know is that I really want sobriety and I'm really really scared right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Oh My Dear Girl... you fell because there was no one around to catch you from doing this... you have to want to change and do the change to hold just you tight.. because of what you want out of life... and how you go about living it.. hugs my Dear Child Hugs from so many of us... ardy...
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1
Well. On Sunday I decided to pick up a bottle of wine after just shy of 60 days sobriety.
I honestly don't remember most of the next 4 days after that. What I do remember is that within 4 hours I was back to IV drug using in my condo. I didn’t show up for work for 4 days. I didn't talk to my fiance for 4 days (he was out of town) and he pretty much lost it when he came home last night. I drained all of my bank accounts including our joint account and all of his money. The smell was unbearable he said and our condo is absolutely disgusting. He screamed at me for hours on end and told me I’m a disgusting junkie (bleep – profanities) and a waste of life. That I physically disgust him as a human being. Yup, I’d have to agree with you there. I disgust me too. Then I threatened to kill myself and seriously considered it for the first time in my life. He took away my pills and watched me all night.
I sent pictures of me IV’ing drugs to people in AA. Like I somehow in that mental state thought that was a good idea or funny. Talk about mega self sabotage?
I’m back at work today and I’m sober today - I somehow still have a job (don’t ask me how...) and I’m having full blown full body panic attacks that haven’t stopped since yesterday. This is really really awful.
Really really awful.
I honestly don't remember most of the next 4 days after that. What I do remember is that within 4 hours I was back to IV drug using in my condo. I didn’t show up for work for 4 days. I didn't talk to my fiance for 4 days (he was out of town) and he pretty much lost it when he came home last night. I drained all of my bank accounts including our joint account and all of his money. The smell was unbearable he said and our condo is absolutely disgusting. He screamed at me for hours on end and told me I’m a disgusting junkie (bleep – profanities) and a waste of life. That I physically disgust him as a human being. Yup, I’d have to agree with you there. I disgust me too. Then I threatened to kill myself and seriously considered it for the first time in my life. He took away my pills and watched me all night.
I sent pictures of me IV’ing drugs to people in AA. Like I somehow in that mental state thought that was a good idea or funny. Talk about mega self sabotage?
I’m back at work today and I’m sober today - I somehow still have a job (don’t ask me how...) and I’m having full blown full body panic attacks that haven’t stopped since yesterday. This is really really awful.
Really really awful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Sounds like a pretty nasty episode, that would scare me too.
Good things: You're at work. You're not using now. You can move forward.
You can't change what happened, or the pictures you sent. You can't "fix" the past. But you can certainly start living in the present. Do your best to get back to basics here. Stay sober today. One hour at a time if needed. You are probably trying to scramble to think about ways to apologize, or what sort of things you can say to make up with your fiance. Don't worry about those right now, with sobriety will come clarity on those issues. Just work on the task that's in front of you now. And that means staying away from the drink and drugs. We are here to support you in that effort!
Good things: You're at work. You're not using now. You can move forward.
You can't change what happened, or the pictures you sent. You can't "fix" the past. But you can certainly start living in the present. Do your best to get back to basics here. Stay sober today. One hour at a time if needed. You are probably trying to scramble to think about ways to apologize, or what sort of things you can say to make up with your fiance. Don't worry about those right now, with sobriety will come clarity on those issues. Just work on the task that's in front of you now. And that means staying away from the drink and drugs. We are here to support you in that effort!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
holy crap....
that's heavy, heavy stuff indeed. I'm sure you feel like absolute hell. I know I would too.
If you want sobriety and want it bad.... what will you do to get that? Is there any chance you might be able to get yourself into an intensive program to kickstart your recovery?
To go from zero to a thousand like that has got to be incredibly scary. I hope that you're able to lay out a plan of ACTION to get on track and give everything you've got to being clean and sober.
that's heavy, heavy stuff indeed. I'm sure you feel like absolute hell. I know I would too.
If you want sobriety and want it bad.... what will you do to get that? Is there any chance you might be able to get yourself into an intensive program to kickstart your recovery?
To go from zero to a thousand like that has got to be incredibly scary. I hope that you're able to lay out a plan of ACTION to get on track and give everything you've got to being clean and sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Mrryah. I remember your thread in the summer when you started on your sober spell. Sorry to hear things came crashing down but **** happens and you have to start again. My last relapse started in similar fashion as yours. Let my guard down after a few months of sobriety and had a pint at a pub. 5 days of bingeing/missing work later, I woke up on my bathroom floor covered in my own blood with a scalp laceration so bad I could see my skull. 30 staples in the ER to close the wound.
Remember, our brains our wired differently. We cannot have just a few drinks and call it a day. Alcohol also opens up the flood gates for me too and I will seek out drugs to go with the booze. My last binge had me buying cocaine from strippers and emptying my bank account.
I have 10 months sober now. My last binge was a massive wake-up call and I have a nasty scar and bald patch where my scalp came off to remind me daily. That being said, I know I am one split decision away from falling off the rails again.
Start again. Keep up the good fight!
Remember, our brains our wired differently. We cannot have just a few drinks and call it a day. Alcohol also opens up the flood gates for me too and I will seek out drugs to go with the booze. My last binge had me buying cocaine from strippers and emptying my bank account.
I have 10 months sober now. My last binge was a massive wake-up call and I have a nasty scar and bald patch where my scalp came off to remind me daily. That being said, I know I am one split decision away from falling off the rails again.
Start again. Keep up the good fight!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I want to give you a hug but this is the best I can do 
I think it is time to get tough with yourself and your recovery. As doggonecarl said, what ever you were doing it was not enough, throw everything you got, heart, mind and soul. All free time after work and sleep should be in recovery as much as possible.
I am glad you are okay and I am happy you did not lose your job. You may not be so lucky next time. Please stop digging, that was low enough.
Get back to AA and get back in touch with people that can help you. They will pick you up and carry you through it if you let them.
I think it is time to get tough with yourself and your recovery. As doggonecarl said, what ever you were doing it was not enough, throw everything you got, heart, mind and soul. All free time after work and sleep should be in recovery as much as possible.
I am glad you are okay and I am happy you did not lose your job. You may not be so lucky next time. Please stop digging, that was low enough.
Get back to AA and get back in touch with people that can help you. They will pick you up and carry you through it if you let them.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Mrrryah try not to panic close to 60 days is awesome its happened not much you can do
I would truthfully ask myself what went wrong & how could i prevent anything like this ever happening again
your doing really well you relapsed but got 50+ days sober that is your sunshine use it to break your clouds now
Have you rung your sponser i would go to a mtn asap
I would truthfully ask myself what went wrong & how could i prevent anything like this ever happening again
your doing really well you relapsed but got 50+ days sober that is your sunshine use it to break your clouds now
Have you rung your sponser i would go to a mtn asap
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
I was going to a meeting for the first 40-ish days of my recovery. I then started slacking on meetings a little bit and only hitting 2-3 a week.
The first 40-ish days were working. I need to get back to doing that.
This absolutely can't happen again. There is only one bottom lower and that is death. And I'm not ready to die yet. At least, I'm too scared to.
I'm really grateful for SR. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't be posting and reading right now.
The first 40-ish days were working. I need to get back to doing that.
This absolutely can't happen again. There is only one bottom lower and that is death. And I'm not ready to die yet. At least, I'm too scared to.
I'm really grateful for SR. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't be posting and reading right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
That is rough, I am sure you are feeling really low today. This is going to take a lot of work to dig out of, but it is possible. First you need to come up with a plan to clean up and stay sober. I don't know much about IV drugs, or the variety that are available or what goes on with that, but do you need medical supervision for detox for that or the alcohol? Are you planning on making AA a priority? Daily meetings would probably be a good idea. What other tools do you have in place to help you right now? Are you seeing a psychologist regularly or can you?
I assume you want to make amends with your boyfriend. That is going to take time and effort. I would start with cleaning the apartment. That will make you feel better and be a slight peace offering to him, it is also the right thing to do, but don't count on that even scratching the surface. I am sure you are not up for that tonight, so maybe make that a weekend project after you've had some rest. Next, how are you going to pay your upcoming bills if you have drained your accounts? God, I hate even typing this out to you, because I have been in that day after misery and it is all just SO overwhelming but you have got to think about this stuff, it is coming up soon. So that said, in an effort of a. take care of the bills but b. show your boyfriend you are trying you need to start looking into that now. If you aren't going to be able to pay you need to make the phone calls you need to make to notify whomever. If you have someone who can loan you money make arrangements for that.
I'll stop here. I tend to go into overdrive when I see someone in need of help and like to make lists and plans because I have absolutely been there and know how foggy your brain is right now and know how you can barely think of anything. But I know you need to figure this out the way that is best for you. I just hope you will get some help. You don't deserve this. You deserve more than a drunken, drug fueled four day binge. Please be good to yourself, I know it is hard right now. Look deep inside of you, you know there is good there, you know this wasn't the real you, it was your addiction. No matter what your boyfriend said in anger, no matter how miserable you feel about yourself, there is good inside you. It is time to get well.
I assume you want to make amends with your boyfriend. That is going to take time and effort. I would start with cleaning the apartment. That will make you feel better and be a slight peace offering to him, it is also the right thing to do, but don't count on that even scratching the surface. I am sure you are not up for that tonight, so maybe make that a weekend project after you've had some rest. Next, how are you going to pay your upcoming bills if you have drained your accounts? God, I hate even typing this out to you, because I have been in that day after misery and it is all just SO overwhelming but you have got to think about this stuff, it is coming up soon. So that said, in an effort of a. take care of the bills but b. show your boyfriend you are trying you need to start looking into that now. If you aren't going to be able to pay you need to make the phone calls you need to make to notify whomever. If you have someone who can loan you money make arrangements for that.
I'll stop here. I tend to go into overdrive when I see someone in need of help and like to make lists and plans because I have absolutely been there and know how foggy your brain is right now and know how you can barely think of anything. But I know you need to figure this out the way that is best for you. I just hope you will get some help. You don't deserve this. You deserve more than a drunken, drug fueled four day binge. Please be good to yourself, I know it is hard right now. Look deep inside of you, you know there is good there, you know this wasn't the real you, it was your addiction. No matter what your boyfriend said in anger, no matter how miserable you feel about yourself, there is good inside you. It is time to get well.
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