BlueNails

Hi, I'm 54 days sober. Drank for 25 plus years, got tired of feeling sick, forgetting what i did the night before, embarrassing myself, using alcohol to cover my shyness, the list goes on....

Anyways, I have regrets over things I did and said. How do I get past that? The hurt I've done to myself and others.

Also, when family gets together, how do i say i don't drink anymore when all of them drink and some of them alot?

thanks!

freshstart57

Excellent questions, BlueNails.

My take on the first, is to start acting honorably again, whatever that means to you. If you have broken stuff, fix it; borrowed money, repay it; done harm, apologize. If that is not a good idea due to your circumstances whatever that might mean, at the very least cut the past from your concern, and give yourself a freshstart. Sorry, I meant a fresh start. Preoccupation with the past in the form of regret, and preoccupation with the future in the form of anxiety are useless in the sense that they get us stuck, and prevent us from making necessary changes in the present. Ditch that junk in favor of the freedom to act now.

As for responses to offers of alcohol, a 'no thanks' or 'no thanks, I'm not drinking right now' or even 'no thanks, I decided not to use alcohol any more. It doesn't agree with me.' should do the trick.

BlueNails

thank you!

Gazza

Good question, I have the same issue.

I was told that guilt only has value as a deterrent. it exists to teach us not to behave like that again.

When I feel the stab of remorse say for cheating on someone I change it by saying to myself "I'm a person who believes in being faithful in relationships"
I do find that if I reframe my regrets in this way I feel better about things.

Doing this and making amends when possible helps.

Actually you are a decent person because those things you did bother you.

PurpleKnight

The past is in the past, rewrite a future that you can be proud of and others can look in on and appreciate the real change you've made in your life, with time those regrets will fade as you build a new Sober life!!

Anna

'No thanks' should be acceptable. I try to remember I don't need to apologize for not drinking.

I found journaling worked well for me to get rid of the shame and guilt. I wrote down my feelings for months and it gradually lightened my load.

awuh1

Hi BlueNails. Regarding your first question. You might consider taking a look at the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Steps 8 and 9 specifically deal with what you mention. Many in AA have had experience in dealing with these problems themselves, and many have also helped others deal with the damage done through past behavior.

There is much wisdom in the rooms of AA about specifically how to go about doing this, in any number of situations.

Soberwolf

I just say no thanks if someone persists i tell them i dont drink

0JustSayin0

Here is a simple prayer you can pray and I'm confident you will make peace with your past:
God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!"
Our experience is of supreme value in helping others!

Dee74

Hi and welcome bluenails
I had to accept the past was gone - I couldn't change a second.

I also had to accept I'd made a lot of verbal promises to folks over the years and broken them all - I needed to focus more on action now.

I worked on a kind of living amends thing - I tried to be the best person I could be.
Eventually people responded to that.

I used to be the neighbourhood drunk. If I can rescue my reputation from that, you can

As for what to say? I assumed everybody thought drinking was as important as I did. That wasn't true. Most people don't care what I drink

No thanks serves me fine in 99% of cases, honest

D

JanieJ

Hi Bluenails, welcome, some good advice already from all these good people here. Just start now to be a better person, as conscientious as you can be, actions speak louder than words.

I just say no thanks, or I'm not drinking at the moment. As Dee said, no one else really cares whether you're drinking or not, it's a bigger thing in our minds than it is in theirs.

5KRunner

I *really* like this advice.

In some of my readings about what constitutes a "healthy" brain and emotions, I've seen the perspective that negative feelings and reactions should serve a purpose, which is to alert us to potentially harmful situations. For those of us who wrestle with alcohol issues or other problems, those functions can become distorted or over-complicated.

Anyhow, as far as making amends, a good first step is learning to forgive yourself. That doesn't mean absolving yourself of wrongdoing; rather, it means that you let go of any self-hatred and resentment, and accept that you made mistakes, and move on.

There are different ways to make amends with the people you hurt. The first and most important is to show without a shadow of a doubt that you have made positive, meaningful change in your life. Outside of that, one could directly apologize, make a sincere attempt to nurture relationships again, and repair any damage done.

In some cases, the people who were hurt may no longer want anything to do with the relationship, and you have to be prepared for that as well.