Not good enough...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Not good enough...
What the hell is going on? Nearing ten months of sobriety and I am experiencing all sorts of emotional upwelling, bouts of anxiety, stress.
Today my back is out and I woke with a terrible headache.
Yesterday I saw my counselor and talked about some recurring issues.... At the bottom of it, long-held inner beliefs of not being 'good enough'. Fears of rejection. Abandonment. Crap that has been there since childhood.
I've worked on it before and logically I have felt I understand it and had let it go.
But inside, emotionally.... There's still this wounded 'I'm not good enough' hurt child.
Now it seems that in sobriety, I am maybe finally able to start FEELING enough to get down to it, and it's making me come undone a little.
Maybe this is a core part of why Ibturned to alcohol and drugs in the first place. Why in my drunkest moments I'd be sobbing and feeling horrible about myself and saying I was bad, lonely, undeserving...
I hope that this process becomes a healing one, right now it is a confusing and sort of grief-welling experience.
Just wanted to share.
Today my back is out and I woke with a terrible headache.
Yesterday I saw my counselor and talked about some recurring issues.... At the bottom of it, long-held inner beliefs of not being 'good enough'. Fears of rejection. Abandonment. Crap that has been there since childhood.
I've worked on it before and logically I have felt I understand it and had let it go.
But inside, emotionally.... There's still this wounded 'I'm not good enough' hurt child.
Now it seems that in sobriety, I am maybe finally able to start FEELING enough to get down to it, and it's making me come undone a little.
Maybe this is a core part of why Ibturned to alcohol and drugs in the first place. Why in my drunkest moments I'd be sobbing and feeling horrible about myself and saying I was bad, lonely, undeserving...
I hope that this process becomes a healing one, right now it is a confusing and sort of grief-welling experience.
Just wanted to share.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FO, try to accept that we all have unhelpful ways of thinking to some extent (some people think they are way superior to others), and that you can't really address these beliefs while drunk.
Whatever you see on the outside, everyone has insecurities of some sort. What a self-satisfied lot we'd be otherwise.
Whatever you see on the outside, everyone has insecurities of some sort. What a self-satisfied lot we'd be otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 69
I'm not even close to 10 months yet, but I have battled the demons you described, for many many years. And, it was a part of why I drank in the first place - to quiet the mind and numb the pain.
I've been in counseling as well, and although it is painful to confront the ugliness of the past, it is an imperative and effective part of my recovery.
Sending positive energy and thoughts your way.
I've been in counseling as well, and although it is painful to confront the ugliness of the past, it is an imperative and effective part of my recovery.
Sending positive energy and thoughts your way.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I think a lot of us have childhood stuff we carry around on our back FO.
Part of the gift of recovery for me was the capacity to sift through that stuff, deal with it, and set it down.
That's not stuff that gets sorted in a fortnight or even a year...some of it has deep roots.
You get to the end of the roots when you get there
Personally I think you're doing great - and it's perfectly ok to acknowledge that, btw
D
Part of the gift of recovery for me was the capacity to sift through that stuff, deal with it, and set it down.
That's not stuff that gets sorted in a fortnight or even a year...some of it has deep roots.
You get to the end of the roots when you get there
Personally I think you're doing great - and it's perfectly ok to acknowledge that, btw
D
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Trudging the road to happy destiny. Unfortunately I have discovered that bad days are what other people call life. Forever I medicated the feelings away. I have found that even bad feelings are better than the gray nothingness of alcoholism.
Live in the day and be assured that good days out number the bad
Live in the day and be assured that good days out number the bad
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 35
For me, when the habit and the obsession left, it exposed the REAL reasons I drank. I'm discovering the parts of my inner self that caused me to turn to drink, to escape. Allowing myself to "sit" with these things has been both difficult and freeing. For the first time in my life I'm actually dealing with the these things. I'm able to face it and come up with a plan to change it. I've never even attempted to change while my obsession with alcohol was in charge. These days, I pick the thing I want to change and put forth a true/sober effort. It's only natural that I think about the drink in these times -- It's how I dealt with it for 25 years. Fortunate for me (us), alcohol no longer seems like the logical solution that it did in the past.
All the best,
Methodman
All the best,
Methodman
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
Hawks... Yes, I am.
Call your sponsor and get some help and support.
Highly recommend "A return to Love " by Marianne Williamson.
Amazing book, helped me enormously with similar issues.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
thanks I will check out the book.
I'm only really on step 2. I did a very drawn-out but thorough step one. My sponsor has been giving me vrey in-depth workbooks for the steps that he used as an addiction counselor for two decades in his work at the hospital.
I think the combination of digging deeply into step work, stress in my current life, exploring old wounds with my counselor and simply being ABLE to actually FEEL deeply (even in my using days, I have always been a very emotional person.... now in sobriety it is ever-more-intense) have all come together in a sort of emotional 'perfect storm' lately. I believe that it's just a part of the process and that it will all wind up leading me to a much more balanced, healthy, whole place. It's just getting a little strange and confusing and hard to handle at times.
I'm only really on step 2. I did a very drawn-out but thorough step one. My sponsor has been giving me vrey in-depth workbooks for the steps that he used as an addiction counselor for two decades in his work at the hospital.
I think the combination of digging deeply into step work, stress in my current life, exploring old wounds with my counselor and simply being ABLE to actually FEEL deeply (even in my using days, I have always been a very emotional person.... now in sobriety it is ever-more-intense) have all come together in a sort of emotional 'perfect storm' lately. I believe that it's just a part of the process and that it will all wind up leading me to a much more balanced, healthy, whole place. It's just getting a little strange and confusing and hard to handle at times.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 199
I admire you for the 10 month mark. I am determined to reach it. Don't let your AV tell you that life is an excuse to throw away your sobriety. This is the voice everyone here in long term recovery is telling us to be vigilant against. Push through to another day. Tomorrow is a new start.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Got it, perfect storm is right. No wonder you are feeling a bit under it.
My sponsor hasn't exactly jammed me through the work either. 94 days.
8th step list drawn up tonight and I got till Sunday to get the first two amends on the list done.
Good luck with the rest of your step work... It got real good for me after 4&5.
Like a 10lb lead weight came out of my chest.
Take care FO
My sponsor hasn't exactly jammed me through the work either. 94 days.
8th step list drawn up tonight and I got till Sunday to get the first two amends on the list done.
Good luck with the rest of your step work... It got real good for me after 4&5.
Like a 10lb lead weight came out of my chest.
Take care FO
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
I learned to trust the process. Slowly the
dead layers fell off and deep down within
there emerged a beautiful blossom. A
beautiful butterfly soaring high and free.
I had to learn that those that hurt me,
were cruel to me, verbally, physically,
emotionally abused me were sick in their
own way. They hurt me then, but not
anymore. I will not allow them to rent
free space in my head any longer.
I don't have to live in the past or
keep it alive. What happened to me
back then is done and over. Those
folks cant hurt me any longer.
With a program of recovery in place
that I learned to live on each day has
made me stronger, wiser, healthier,
more confident, self assured, self aware,
a quiet inner strength and beauty.
Stand tall and soldier on as you place
your trust and faith in the process.
dead layers fell off and deep down within
there emerged a beautiful blossom. A
beautiful butterfly soaring high and free.
I had to learn that those that hurt me,
were cruel to me, verbally, physically,
emotionally abused me were sick in their
own way. They hurt me then, but not
anymore. I will not allow them to rent
free space in my head any longer.
I don't have to live in the past or
keep it alive. What happened to me
back then is done and over. Those
folks cant hurt me any longer.
With a program of recovery in place
that I learned to live on each day has
made me stronger, wiser, healthier,
more confident, self assured, self aware,
a quiet inner strength and beauty.
Stand tall and soldier on as you place
your trust and faith in the process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
So....
I don't know. Maybe I've hit a point in sobriety that all sorts of crap is suddenly bursting up. Maybe that happens. I keep on trying to blame coffee, lack of sleep, hormone imbalance, insufficient exercise, out of balance nutrition... trying things, changing things.
But at the same time I'm dealing with huge uncertainty at work and the likelihood of layoffs, challenges in my relationship with my Lady (because we're both so stressed it's impacted our being together and relating with each other the way we'd like to, which in turn creates stress or emotional discomfort), challenges with parenting and my ex, stress from overcommitting, stress from not being on my game with regular exercise to DEAL with stress.... all of it in a big fat cycle of blah.
And coming to the surface is now thoughts of past pains, past embarrassments, past losses, past shame.... almost all of which I really thought was done and over and dealt with and processed and moved on from.
But here it all is again. If I look at it, it all kind of ties back to this fear of not being good enough. Fear of rejection or not being loved. Even the job anxieties are a message that some little inner part of me leaps up and says "AH-HA!!! YOU SEE!?!?! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!".
And so I am wandering around in a half-depressed, half-anxious state a lot of the time and feeling my emotions all out of whack, my physical responses all out of whack and feeling very confused and frustrated about it all.
I know in my head, rationally, there are a lot of reasons for it. I tell myself "this too shall pass". I logcially understand that some of these frustrating feelings and symptoms and manifestations aren't going to be things forever and that I am honestly under a pretty intense period of change and uncertainty and stress that - of COURSE - is going to trigger those long-held fears.
Well, I'm not gonna drink over it. I'm gonna try to just be with it. I'm gonna work on not judging it. I'm gonna talk to that little inner self and try to FEEL instead of just rationalize.... try to HEAL instead of just avoid or try to move on from.
Sometimes I get really confused - why am I having these strange feelings and responses. And then I remind myself; hey.... this is probably the stuff you were dulling and pushing away with booze and drugs for so long. It probably takes a good 10 months of sobriety to even start moving into that. It might take another 10 months to work through it.....
May as well get comfortable and accepting about it, because it's a lifetime of things that you're just starting to really work on.
Anyway. I'm feeling kind of glum, kind of confused, kind of frustrated, kind of sad, kind of scared.
But also, hopeful and grateful and fortunate.
Annnndddd.... I'm rambling. I don't know what I was really setting out to say here or whether it makes sense or whether it's been helpful to me or to you - but I felt a need to share it and get it out of my own head and into the light of another's eyes.
Thanks
I don't know. Maybe I've hit a point in sobriety that all sorts of crap is suddenly bursting up. Maybe that happens. I keep on trying to blame coffee, lack of sleep, hormone imbalance, insufficient exercise, out of balance nutrition... trying things, changing things.
But at the same time I'm dealing with huge uncertainty at work and the likelihood of layoffs, challenges in my relationship with my Lady (because we're both so stressed it's impacted our being together and relating with each other the way we'd like to, which in turn creates stress or emotional discomfort), challenges with parenting and my ex, stress from overcommitting, stress from not being on my game with regular exercise to DEAL with stress.... all of it in a big fat cycle of blah.
And coming to the surface is now thoughts of past pains, past embarrassments, past losses, past shame.... almost all of which I really thought was done and over and dealt with and processed and moved on from.
But here it all is again. If I look at it, it all kind of ties back to this fear of not being good enough. Fear of rejection or not being loved. Even the job anxieties are a message that some little inner part of me leaps up and says "AH-HA!!! YOU SEE!?!?! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!".
And so I am wandering around in a half-depressed, half-anxious state a lot of the time and feeling my emotions all out of whack, my physical responses all out of whack and feeling very confused and frustrated about it all.
I know in my head, rationally, there are a lot of reasons for it. I tell myself "this too shall pass". I logcially understand that some of these frustrating feelings and symptoms and manifestations aren't going to be things forever and that I am honestly under a pretty intense period of change and uncertainty and stress that - of COURSE - is going to trigger those long-held fears.
Well, I'm not gonna drink over it. I'm gonna try to just be with it. I'm gonna work on not judging it. I'm gonna talk to that little inner self and try to FEEL instead of just rationalize.... try to HEAL instead of just avoid or try to move on from.
Sometimes I get really confused - why am I having these strange feelings and responses. And then I remind myself; hey.... this is probably the stuff you were dulling and pushing away with booze and drugs for so long. It probably takes a good 10 months of sobriety to even start moving into that. It might take another 10 months to work through it.....
May as well get comfortable and accepting about it, because it's a lifetime of things that you're just starting to really work on.
Anyway. I'm feeling kind of glum, kind of confused, kind of frustrated, kind of sad, kind of scared.
But also, hopeful and grateful and fortunate.
Annnndddd.... I'm rambling. I don't know what I was really setting out to say here or whether it makes sense or whether it's been helpful to me or to you - but I felt a need to share it and get it out of my own head and into the light of another's eyes.
Thanks
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Just wanted to say ...I hear you! Since I decided a new relationship was an awesome idea in new sobriety...I too am wrestling all those enormous ugly monsters as well. It is pure unadulterared hell. I had no idea that I would be facing this..or I wouldnt have done this. Cuz ya early sobriety is a walk in Eden anyway. Ah well...better we face it hey? This is how better stronger humans are made.
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