black white good bad
waking down
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
black white good bad
This is kind of the anniversary, not of my sobriety, but what led to it. For those with time who want to read, I'm hoping some newcomers will relate, reflect, and maybe learn something.
I've done a lot of reading about recovery, here and elsewhere, books and articles and websites, and one thing that has really started to stand out is that people in recovery are rule-makers. Look at AA. Look at discussions about whether or not taking medication for insomnia or mental disorders is okay.
My theory, and I believe it is true for me and I suspect many others, is that we create rules or adopt others' rules to define our lives and create structures wherein we are more able to operate with some stability and predictability. We are trying to create order out of chaos.
It's kind of like religion. It often creates dichotomous thinking, black/white, good/bad, right/wrong... This can create interpersonal conflict, but also internal conflict.
In my own journey, I went through acute withdrawal from alcohol in late December and early January. As I began to read about recovery, I started questioning other addictive behaviors, and decided I should quit taking painkillers (because I enjoyed them for reasons other than blocking physical pain). As I became more mindful, I recognized that I binged on other things, not just alcohol, especially food, and especially sugar. (Given that 40% of adults in the U.S. are expected to get Type II diabetes, this very well could be an addiction as dangerous, maybe even moreso, than alcohol.)
But here's the thing: Almost ten months into alcohol sobriety, I still haven't taken full control of my eating habits. I am getting better, but the guilt I felt over my sugar binging in early sobriety was not helpful, and I wasn't sure I really cared.
I wasn't sure I really cared. Therein lies the rub. Addicts like myself often get to the point where we don't really care about ourselves. Worse, we can develop self-loathing. Maybe that self-loathing preceded addiction. Regardless, it is difficult to convince someone who is basically suicidal to turn it all around immediately. I had to learn to love myself first.
Reading about self-compassion and radical self-acceptance got me thinking. I mean, the crap I've put in my body I would not give to a child or to my dog, so why did I do it to myself? Maybe it started out as thrill-seeking or escape, but it got ugly, and it became habitual and unhealthy.
Escape. Escape from what? From what do we try to escape? Our lives? Our realities? Stress? Our very selves?
I decided to quit drinking, oddly enough, while at a mountain music festival last October while I was tripping on acid. I was on my own, no immediate responsibilities, and having the time of my life. I had been binging increasingly in subsequent months and years, hating life, and hating the hangovers and myself. Somehow in that mountain music mental fantasy moment I decided I loved myself enough, and I loved the people who care about me enough, to quit drinking.
But, as with so many acid-inspired revelations, inspirations, or epiphanies, I started coming down. The last band wrapped it up, the acid was wearing off, and I did not want to go back to reality, so I got drunk. Seriously hammered.
Hungover and still half tripping from the weekend, I cried on and off for the ten hour drive home. And then I got home and I got drunk, and drunk again, and drunk again. And then I said I'm gonna quit after the holidays, but I almost ended up in the hospital and by New Year's Eve I was five days into detoxing.
But despite almost ten months of sobriety I'm still learning to love myself. All the rules and all the techniques and all the methods for staying clean and sober are basically houses made of cards if not supported by self-love and self caring. That's true for me, anyway.
So, the first step is to give yourself a break. So, you relapsed. Be glad you're even concerned about it. So, you still smoke or drink coffee or binge on donuts...at least you're sober.
I'm finding that when I am tempted (call it the AV or a biochemical response or Satan), I try to remember that I matter, not just to my family, but to MYSELF. Temptation to reach for a substance tells me I'm not liking how I'm feeling, so the key for me is to ask myself why I want to change how I feel. Is it physical pain? Anxiety? Am I subconsciously beating myself up over some stupid thing I did months ago? Is it just that I'm tired? Am I thinking I'm a loser?
It seems to me the ultimate goal of sobriety is to learn to live with ourselves, to accept ourselves, accept our feelings as they ebb and flow, and learn alternatives to reaching for donuts or drugs. As I embrace gratitude and build more self-respect and self-compassion, I find I am craving toxic substances less, and am even turned off by them. It's not that having a drink or eating a brownie is good or band or right or wrong... I just don't want to do that to myself. Why? Because I'm worth it... because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me (fake it til you make it, right Stuart?).
If you're not there yet, welcome to my little club. You're alright.
I've done a lot of reading about recovery, here and elsewhere, books and articles and websites, and one thing that has really started to stand out is that people in recovery are rule-makers. Look at AA. Look at discussions about whether or not taking medication for insomnia or mental disorders is okay.
My theory, and I believe it is true for me and I suspect many others, is that we create rules or adopt others' rules to define our lives and create structures wherein we are more able to operate with some stability and predictability. We are trying to create order out of chaos.
It's kind of like religion. It often creates dichotomous thinking, black/white, good/bad, right/wrong... This can create interpersonal conflict, but also internal conflict.
In my own journey, I went through acute withdrawal from alcohol in late December and early January. As I began to read about recovery, I started questioning other addictive behaviors, and decided I should quit taking painkillers (because I enjoyed them for reasons other than blocking physical pain). As I became more mindful, I recognized that I binged on other things, not just alcohol, especially food, and especially sugar. (Given that 40% of adults in the U.S. are expected to get Type II diabetes, this very well could be an addiction as dangerous, maybe even moreso, than alcohol.)
But here's the thing: Almost ten months into alcohol sobriety, I still haven't taken full control of my eating habits. I am getting better, but the guilt I felt over my sugar binging in early sobriety was not helpful, and I wasn't sure I really cared.
I wasn't sure I really cared. Therein lies the rub. Addicts like myself often get to the point where we don't really care about ourselves. Worse, we can develop self-loathing. Maybe that self-loathing preceded addiction. Regardless, it is difficult to convince someone who is basically suicidal to turn it all around immediately. I had to learn to love myself first.
Reading about self-compassion and radical self-acceptance got me thinking. I mean, the crap I've put in my body I would not give to a child or to my dog, so why did I do it to myself? Maybe it started out as thrill-seeking or escape, but it got ugly, and it became habitual and unhealthy.
Escape. Escape from what? From what do we try to escape? Our lives? Our realities? Stress? Our very selves?
I decided to quit drinking, oddly enough, while at a mountain music festival last October while I was tripping on acid. I was on my own, no immediate responsibilities, and having the time of my life. I had been binging increasingly in subsequent months and years, hating life, and hating the hangovers and myself. Somehow in that mountain music mental fantasy moment I decided I loved myself enough, and I loved the people who care about me enough, to quit drinking.
But, as with so many acid-inspired revelations, inspirations, or epiphanies, I started coming down. The last band wrapped it up, the acid was wearing off, and I did not want to go back to reality, so I got drunk. Seriously hammered.
Hungover and still half tripping from the weekend, I cried on and off for the ten hour drive home. And then I got home and I got drunk, and drunk again, and drunk again. And then I said I'm gonna quit after the holidays, but I almost ended up in the hospital and by New Year's Eve I was five days into detoxing.
But despite almost ten months of sobriety I'm still learning to love myself. All the rules and all the techniques and all the methods for staying clean and sober are basically houses made of cards if not supported by self-love and self caring. That's true for me, anyway.
So, the first step is to give yourself a break. So, you relapsed. Be glad you're even concerned about it. So, you still smoke or drink coffee or binge on donuts...at least you're sober.
I'm finding that when I am tempted (call it the AV or a biochemical response or Satan), I try to remember that I matter, not just to my family, but to MYSELF. Temptation to reach for a substance tells me I'm not liking how I'm feeling, so the key for me is to ask myself why I want to change how I feel. Is it physical pain? Anxiety? Am I subconsciously beating myself up over some stupid thing I did months ago? Is it just that I'm tired? Am I thinking I'm a loser?
It seems to me the ultimate goal of sobriety is to learn to live with ourselves, to accept ourselves, accept our feelings as they ebb and flow, and learn alternatives to reaching for donuts or drugs. As I embrace gratitude and build more self-respect and self-compassion, I find I am craving toxic substances less, and am even turned off by them. It's not that having a drink or eating a brownie is good or band or right or wrong... I just don't want to do that to myself. Why? Because I'm worth it... because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me (fake it til you make it, right Stuart?).
If you're not there yet, welcome to my little club. You're alright.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
What a great series of observations and conclusions, Zero.
Count me in!
See, discussions on acceptance and self-love tend to be abundant here on SR and in most decent recovery program, because they are truly in the core of our issues in many ways. And like you say, it's damn challenging to tackle these issues, even with a lot of help. I will add that most of us are probably up and down with these problems for a long time in our recovery, or even throughout our life. We need at least periodic reminders and reworking these challenges, and in my view this is one reason why we say we are "recovering", instead of being "recovered", for quite a long time into sobriety.
I believe this process is something each of us feels if it's still a work in progress and ongoing challenge, and some know once they are more stable and are secure in their transformation.
Count me in!
See, discussions on acceptance and self-love tend to be abundant here on SR and in most decent recovery program, because they are truly in the core of our issues in many ways. And like you say, it's damn challenging to tackle these issues, even with a lot of help. I will add that most of us are probably up and down with these problems for a long time in our recovery, or even throughout our life. We need at least periodic reminders and reworking these challenges, and in my view this is one reason why we say we are "recovering", instead of being "recovered", for quite a long time into sobriety.
I believe this process is something each of us feels if it's still a work in progress and ongoing challenge, and some know once they are more stable and are secure in their transformation.
waking down
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Thanks, y'all.
I think one of the tough issues I kind of glossed past is when doctors or psychiatrists recommend medications that we believe could be problematic. I know I could benefit from muscle relaxants or painkillers right now, but I'm toughing it out with bed rest, chiropractic, and long baths.
Similarly, there was a time when I was tempted to take my doctor's advice and take meds for anxiety. Meditation and life changes have helped, but I confess I still "self medicate" with valerian root. I can imagine some folks really struggle with the medication issue when they are struggling with depression or other severe mental health issues.
It's hard to accept how I feel when I really don't like how I feel. Having faith that this too shall pass doesn't come easy. For me, it is more helpful to focus on gratitude for things in the present.
I think one of the tough issues I kind of glossed past is when doctors or psychiatrists recommend medications that we believe could be problematic. I know I could benefit from muscle relaxants or painkillers right now, but I'm toughing it out with bed rest, chiropractic, and long baths.
Similarly, there was a time when I was tempted to take my doctor's advice and take meds for anxiety. Meditation and life changes have helped, but I confess I still "self medicate" with valerian root. I can imagine some folks really struggle with the medication issue when they are struggling with depression or other severe mental health issues.
It's hard to accept how I feel when I really don't like how I feel. Having faith that this too shall pass doesn't come easy. For me, it is more helpful to focus on gratitude for things in the present.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Wait - you mean there's a rule against donuts??!!
Kidding, but I'm with you on all this. Recovery does NOT = Rigidity.
This is all about messy, complicated, meandering, fascinating, cycling growth - as self and in relationship with others.
If becoming sober means I have to become "perfect" - using someone else's definition of the word - I want none of it. My hope is that the journey is all about my discovering my own definition of what a "perfect" life for me looks like, and I suspect this involves sleeping in more and not feeling (someone else's) guilt when I eat donuts...
Great post. Thanks.
Kidding, but I'm with you on all this. Recovery does NOT = Rigidity.
This is all about messy, complicated, meandering, fascinating, cycling growth - as self and in relationship with others.
If becoming sober means I have to become "perfect" - using someone else's definition of the word - I want none of it. My hope is that the journey is all about my discovering my own definition of what a "perfect" life for me looks like, and I suspect this involves sleeping in more and not feeling (someone else's) guilt when I eat donuts...
Great post. Thanks.
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