Serper2014

So it's saturday night... in 10 mins It will be Sunday the 19th... Let's rewind a year.

It's saturday morning October 19th 2013... I woke up pretty hung over as usual because I had gotten drunk every night for 588 nights in a row. There was a two day break prior to that and then a stint of 200+ nights in a row...suffice to say... I was very used to this lifestyle... I was mostly a beer drinker... but I had gotten a few bottles of rum throughout my drinking days, It never ever was a good idea. For some reason this saturday morning. I figured that the amount of beer I would need to get to kill the hangover until the afternoon and then to prevent the withdrawals from coming on in the evening and then to prevent the withdrawals the next morning was going to be too many trips to the store, or too much to carry. So I went and got a bottle of rum... and I figured I'd just sip on it...to curb the withdrawals....I said this will be my last bottle ever... 17 shots... that should be just enough for a decent taper.... well it was my last bottle of rum... I was very sick walking to the store to get it... I was sweating I felt like I wanted to die, the thought of even taking a shot made me feel sick, but I knew that i had to feel better... So I got home....I said this is the last bottle... I took a shot....or 5... I'm not really sure but the next thing I know the police were at my door and a friend that I apparently called and told him what I had done got concerned and came over....I was quite frightened actually because I didn't know what was going on. I had been asleep... so I woke up and opened my door and there was my friend with the cops.... and I was like ok ok... I'll go to the hospital. I looked back at my bed. Apparently I killed the entire bottle of rum within an hour.... so I went to the hospital... It was very embarrassing for me. Luckily I have good health insurance. They didn't do much for me at the hospital... because I was just very very drunk and they just monitored me and then sent me home... where I stayed with a friend to complete a 3 day taper and then went back to the hosp and got a short script for benzos... couple days later... So technically the 23rd is the last time I drank daily but it all started with the hospital trip on the 19th.... I am very proud to say that I haven't drank daily since that time... I'm sure some of you remember when you are drinking high amounts every day...you start to withdraw first thing in the morning and it's terrible... so all I was concerned about was getting through the withdrawal without DTs....well I never saw Dt's and the withdrawal was pretty smooth... I had no idea that I was also psychologically addicted as well... I didn't even think that was going ot be a big deal, but I was wrong... I spent the last year fighting with the psychological addiction... I had some good amounts of sober time over the summer and I think three months ago. I've been practicing moderation with what I think I would great success. I have some rules that I follow when drinking you can check some of my recent threads if you want to know more about that, but I've three months now. I don't drink often, and it's not really a problem in my life anymore...HOWEVER. I'm giving up smoking and while it's very easy for me to smoke and not drink... It's nearly impossible for me to drink and not smoke. So unfortunately I have to give up drinking for I'd say the next 3 to 4 months? or so? Just to be safe. Because about two weeks ago I went out and had like two beers with a friend after two beers I was going INSANE. I wanted to smoke soooo bad... I didn't want to get drunk I wanted to SMOKE SO BAD... So I've read that it takes about 3-4 months to really get over the smoking addiction. So I'm here to celebrate the day that changed everything last year with you all.... and by this time next year... I'll be able to post that I've had an entire year without smoking a cigarette!

Cheers! Serper

Dee74

First off you obviously feel a sense of accomplishment, so congrats - it would be churlish and judgemental of me not to post that.

but...I don't mind admitting I struggled with how to respond to this post Serper.
I found a way to explain my mixed reaction to this thread.

My problem with what you've been doing is you're feeding the good wolf, but you're still feeding the bad one too...but both are getting scraps.

So now you have two angry, and hungry, 'wolves', each growling and snarling for supremacy.

One wrong move, and you might get badly bitten, Serper.

I think this break you're planning, for whatever reason, is a good one. I hope it might help change your perception on what's best for you

D

Serper2014

Thanks Dee,

I can't believe you are the only one that responded. I felt so proud writing this thread, the English was terrible I know and my thoughts were all over the place, but I once lived in a land where I would dream about writing about a 1 year mark... Now I get it most people think that complete abstinence is the only way, but I mean I went from daily drinking 8-10 beers a night, that was killing me, to drinking to 8-10 beers a month. It's an accomplishment that saved my life. I'm pretty sure that everyone agrees here that If I have 8-10 beers a month for the rest of my life, I will live a fufilling and prosperous life with no bad health effects etc. See that's the thing, nobody is worried about 8-10 beers a month, people are worried that 8-10 beers a month will spirl me back to 300+ beers a month and I'll be right back to where I was. So because people are worried about that... something that has not happened yet. I don't get all the that someone else would get when they post a mere 10 days sober? Any amount of sobertime is an acomplishement I'm not saying that 10 days is not. But from 10/19/12- 10/19/13... I had ZERO nights sober. From 10/19/13/-10/19/14 I had THREE HUNDRED nights sober... Just because they weren't all in a row doesn't mean that they don't count... and this year I'm going to have even more sober time because for the first 3-4 months I'm not drinking at all..

Dee74

I spent today out, so when I came back, I responded to maybe a dozen or 15 threads from people who are really struggling to totally leave alcohol behind, Serper.

I really think you need to look at your thread in that context.

D

FeelingGreat

Hi Serper, well moderation works for you so far, so congratulations on your year. I think the problem is that for the vast majority of SR posters moderation can never work and we worry that it's the beginning of a slide back into our old ways. This process can take some time; I've done it myself and it took me a couple of years to exceed my previous intake.

That could be why moderation isn't met with a lot of response on SR.

Stevie1

Congratulations on your moderating, serper but FG and Dee said it very well.
I've gone for extended periods of time over the years (and sometimes a year or more) moderating my alcohol intake. (I'm 56 and have been using/drinking since my teens so I have decades at this.)

In between those times I drank out of control, and the older I get, the worse it got. To the point where it is damaging me in every way possible. Alcoholism really is progressive. As long as I was drinking just sporadically/binge drinking, I was still "feeding the wolf."

Normal people aren't proud of being able to moderate their drinking, they just do. Normies don't join SR and then expect congratulations for being sober 300 days out of the last year, you know?

So kudos if it works for you Serper, but it doesn't work for most, not in the long run.

Meraviglioso

Hi Serper, I am sorry you didn't find the response you were looking for. I know how disappointing that can feel.
I think the others have spelled it out pretty clearly. Most of us here are at the point where we realize that moderation does not work for us and we are seeking 100% sobriety. The idea of moderation sets off alarm bells as we relate it to our own experiences and know how it eventually ends up- for us. Possibly you are someone who can make this work life long. I am not very well-versed on the programs but am I aware that there are groups or sites geared towards moderation. You might want to do a few google searches and see what you can find. Of course you are welcome here, i don't think anyone is not allowed, right mods? But if you are looking for a more active, open dialogue you might find it on a site where others share similar goals. Unfortunately I have a goal much different form yours (complete abstinence) as do the majority of register users here, that probably explains the lack of interaction.
I genuinely wish you luck. Congratulations on maintaining your goal, I just wonder how long you can maintain this, eventually you will have fed that wolf enough that it will become stronger than you.
Or if you prefer another metaphor: When The Levee Breaks Led Zeppelin +Lyrics - YouTube

Soberwolf

Serper the fact is Alcohol is very present in your life

im not judging you its just a year later you still get drunk

This is a sobriety website not a moderation website there are other sites for that

if your plan is total abstinance in the end then jump on the wagon its always here waiting for anyone who wants to jump on

i wish you all the best i hope it works out for you glad you have cut down can i ask why you wont put it down completly ?

margherita

Hi Serper, first of all I want to congratulate for being able to moderate your drinking. Of course, compared to drinking every night heavy amounts of alcohol, what you are doing is much better for your physical & mental health and for your quality of life overall. So that is a really great thing you seem to be able to accomplish so far.

However, as others made the point, a lot of us here have tried to control our drinking over and over again, and some days we were able to drink moderately, but some days we simply were not - and we were not able to predict what was going to happen once we started drinking.

A person who is an alcoholic that manages being sober for 10 days gets a lot of claps here because it is not easy at all. Every minute, hour, and day that an alcoholic stays sober is a HUGE accomplishment. We here now know just how hard it is, how much will power it takes, how our addictive voice is constantly rationalizing and justifying one more drink in our heads and we are constantly trying to fight it (especially in early sobriety, that's why here in the forums and in AA meetings newcomers get the most cheers and claps).

Also, believe me that being an alcoholic myself, there is nothing more I would want more than being able to moderate my drinking. I mean, we are alcoholics, we love drinking, you know? If given a choice between moderating our alcohol intake or being abstinent forever, I'm sure 99% here would prefer moderation (IF we knew we could seriously and consistently achieve that). However, as many have personally experienced, alcohol really is progressive, and while some days we can able to control our drinking, some days we simply cannot and go way overboard with our drinking.

The dangerous and scary thing is that before it actually happens, we can NEVER tell what our drinking is going to lead into. Once we start drinking, we simply CANNOT control how much we are going to drink, when we are going to stop and what we will say/do/cause in the process. That is why most alcoholics simply do not believe they can drink moderately.

This is also a newcomer forum (I am a newcomer myself) and I do not want to talk for others, but what I am personally struggling with myself is the idea that I will never be able to drink normally again. Yes, I was able to do that before, but over the years it has gotten real bad, real fast. And I am young, only 28 years old, between the ages 17-22 I would drink and never get drunk, 22-24 I would get drunk sometimes, but mostly could control it and did not have an obsession with drinking, 24-26 I would get drunk most times, but I still did not have much of an obsession with drinking, 27 I was drinking every night but never during the day - the last year has gotten really bad with the obsession and showed me that I had become an alcoholic. In my case and in the case of most alcoholics, it progressed over the years, and it has come to a point affecting my health, relationships and pretty much my entire life. Reading your post gave me that glimmer of hope that one day I could also drink moderately, which I honestly don't need right now because I don't think I can ever safely drink again even though I so wish I could.

Stevie1

True. Serper is only 25 - at that age, I didn't think I had a problem although looking back the warning signs were all here. As he suggested, I went back and read some of his other threads and kept picturing that river in Egypt...
I did get into counseling for brain cooties and drinking at age 27. Worked for a while, but I didn't work it, so...

By 35, I was definitely having issues, but managing to keep it somewhat under control. But by then I was starting to hide the extent of my drinking and had seen more counselors about it, also on and off meds. But I was mostly doing great - business going well, traveling, partying like crazy, working like crazy, getting a second degree. I still figured I had it all together and could manage the few disastrous and shameful episodes.

By 45, I'd started losing a lot of who I was and what I'd attained. I was still managing periods of not drinking - but I was still feeding the wolf. Plus by then I realised I couldn't control my drinking so I was being mostly sober in public, but drinking alone at home. Bad, bad sign.

By 55, I HAD lost a lot of who I was and what I'd attained in life. As a medical student, Serper knows what years of drinking can do to a person's body. Luckily and as far as I know I am still quite healthy but I also know that for sure I have done damage.

I really, really wish I'd quit and gotten it together at 27. I hope Serper manages to do that. Whether one subscribes to the disease model or not, alcoholism is progressive.

Moderation does not = sobriety.

Eshgham

Congrats on changing your life! One year of moderation would be extremely challenging. It's a big accomplishment and if it works, awesome. But remember that you're going against the group, and living a life many drinkers wish they could but cannot. It's natural for a lot of the users here to feel a bit ambivalent to such a post.