Sponsor dropping me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 6
Sponsor dropping me
After 6.5 months my sponsor told me he wants to quit sponsoring. He has assured me it is not because of anything I did or didn't do. He said he is having some misgivings about the program in general. (he just got his 2 year chip) He told me he wasn't really ready to start sponsoring when he did but his sponsor pushed him into it. He told me about a month ago that he wanted to change home groups. I was fine doing this with him because I didn't care for this meeting anyways. Now he says he is just "not feeling" it anymore. He assured me he isn't going back out but he needs a break to focus on other personal issues in his life. We are about done with step 4. What do I do now. If I get a new sponsor are they going to make me start over?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
:/ That's a bummer, isn't' it? I am not a part of AA so i don't know the answers to your questions but I wanted to let you know that I am sorry you are going through this. I can imagine it is worrisome for you and that you have a number of different emotions surrounding it. I would only advise you to take his words to heart and believe him when he says this is about him not you. I am sure after working with him you are concerned for him, but remember your recovery is about you and right now you need to make sure you stay strong and focussed on that.
I wish you well. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to answer your questions.
I wish you well. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to answer your questions.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
It was maybe to soon for him to start sponsering and he has told you which is fair
as for redoing the steps i doubt youl 'have' to do them again explain this with somebody you feel comfortable with at aa and im sure itl work itself out
6+a half months is awesome well done
as for redoing the steps i doubt youl 'have' to do them again explain this with somebody you feel comfortable with at aa and im sure itl work itself out
6+a half months is awesome well done
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Well, ask someone else if doing the steps is important to you. Everyone "does" the steps differently. My sponsor gave me a Joe & Charlie outline for step4, I did it and we did 5,6&7 in a sitting so the worksheet was never viewed by him. We're now just friends. I rarely go to meetings anymore. I recommend watching for a bit and pick someone who has their ship together. Quoting the BB and AA cliche's is not the whole deal. I personally admire the quiet types. Best wishes on saving your own ass.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I don't know what "starting over" would be for you. Steps 1, 2, and 3 are conclusions of the mind and don't require 'work' or 'activity' as we commonly use those terms. Whether or not you've nearly completed Step 4, it would be important for a sponsor who doesn't know you to go over it with you.
Your former sponsor did you a favor by being so forthcoming with you. Pick someone you've either come to trust or someone who you think you may be able to trust.
I left my home group, a beginners' meeting, and a Big Book meeting last spring after attending both every week for most of the almost three years plus that I've been sober for different reasons, (both attended by my sponsor and many of the same people) and I'm glad I did. I chaired the beginners' meeting for about a year, and I've lead the Big Book meeting.
I also dropped my sponsor prior to changing up my meetings, in large part because he continues to disregard many of the same, major issues he's had since he first got sober almost eight years ago. He was great getting me through the Big Book and the Steps, but his advice and support is much more in his head than in his heart. Or in his life. In short, he's terrified to build a better, healthier life, and I've come to a place in my own recovery in which I want much more from him in his life than he does. Besides those two meetings and his relationship with his sponsor, who I know very well, he's more or less isolated from other people and lives in near constant fear around change and self-improvement, though one may not notice this without knowing him personally.
Changing up meetings can be invigorating and can also stimulate both motivation and interest in our recovery. Many sponsors will recommend doing so at some point.
Your former sponsor did you a favor by being so forthcoming with you. Pick someone you've either come to trust or someone who you think you may be able to trust.
I left my home group, a beginners' meeting, and a Big Book meeting last spring after attending both every week for most of the almost three years plus that I've been sober for different reasons, (both attended by my sponsor and many of the same people) and I'm glad I did. I chaired the beginners' meeting for about a year, and I've lead the Big Book meeting.
I also dropped my sponsor prior to changing up my meetings, in large part because he continues to disregard many of the same, major issues he's had since he first got sober almost eight years ago. He was great getting me through the Big Book and the Steps, but his advice and support is much more in his head than in his heart. Or in his life. In short, he's terrified to build a better, healthier life, and I've come to a place in my own recovery in which I want much more from him in his life than he does. Besides those two meetings and his relationship with his sponsor, who I know very well, he's more or less isolated from other people and lives in near constant fear around change and self-improvement, though one may not notice this without knowing him personally.
Changing up meetings can be invigorating and can also stimulate both motivation and interest in our recovery. Many sponsors will recommend doing so at some point.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
This happens and you shouldn't worry about it. I know many members whose sponsor went back out........
I wouldn't think your new sponsor would make you re do anything. 1 and 2 are reflective steps and all you. 3&4 are you and God - advice helps, but it's your inventory. 5 is God, you and another person....etc.
Timing is actually good. They may want to catch up, so to speak - get to know you. But it's your recovery. They are not in charge and are on equal footing with a sponsee. They help with the steps, but do not keep us sober......
Review might be good to get to know each other better. If you're comfortable in where you are at, keep going. It is indeed your recovery - even if it takes 6 sponsors.
Do you read the twelve and twelve? Very helpful with step work and more in depth of a how to guide.......
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/twelve...lve-traditions
Pray for the one who left.....
fly
I wouldn't think your new sponsor would make you re do anything. 1 and 2 are reflective steps and all you. 3&4 are you and God - advice helps, but it's your inventory. 5 is God, you and another person....etc.
Timing is actually good. They may want to catch up, so to speak - get to know you. But it's your recovery. They are not in charge and are on equal footing with a sponsee. They help with the steps, but do not keep us sober......
Review might be good to get to know each other better. If you're comfortable in where you are at, keep going. It is indeed your recovery - even if it takes 6 sponsors.
Do you read the twelve and twelve? Very helpful with step work and more in depth of a how to guide.......
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/twelve...lve-traditions
Pray for the one who left.....
fly
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 415
I would hope that if you got a new sponsor they would start you on step 5 because from what I've heard it's really dangerous to do a 4th step without a 5th, 6th, and 7th step.
I wish you the best and congrats on 6 months
I wish you the best and congrats on 6 months
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I think he was really honest and clear about his reasons for letting go of the role, and that is pretty impressive. It sounds like he is direct and open; good modeling of graceful "taking leave of a commitment."
As to the 4th step - just my opinion - but the options I see are:
... talking to him about completing the 4th step (promptly) while he remains your sponsor, and then taking 5, 6, & 7 with him (I also come from a model which does those three in one day - you share your fourth step with your sponsor, while they respond, share, etc., then you go home for some quiet time afterward and take 6 and 7 on your own with your higher power, in one fell swoop).
The reason I go first to the above idea is that many sponsors do the 4th differently, and you might find yourself starting over with a different format, plus, you've already built relationship with this sponsor and it may be easier to share your most private stuff with him.
In my experience, sponsors are fine with starting where the other left off, and this puts you on step 8 with a new sponsor (which feels tidy).
However, there are some sponsors who would prefer that you start over, so that they really learn you. They would suggest that without having heard your fourth step, they are unable to give you input on your step 8 & 9 amends list. Sometimes that input is critical, because a sponsor can see where you were at fault and owe amends, and you cannot.
Other factors. One of the beauties of doing the 4th and 5th with your sponsor is that then they do know your patterns and tendencies. My sponsor can just give me a funny (and I mean hmmm or haha, not mean) look across the room during a meeting, and I know that she knows that - for example - something that is being shared is directly related to my "stuff." I appreciate her knowing me more fully, as I am a somewhat private person in some ways with my public shares at meetings. I come off as very open, but there are locked doors and hidden boxes that I never bring out for my comrades in the meetings.
On the other hand - old AA suggests that you can even take the 5th step with a stranger, or a clergyperson, etc. In the big book, the link between the 5th step and the sponsor is not developed. They even mention some who take it with their wives (??!!) but then advise against this as so much might need to be edited out...
There might be a true sense of freedom in sharing with the current sponsor and then having him disappear from the program.
Finally, it takes a while to choose an appropriate sponsor and build relationship with them. If you are almost finished with your fourth step, your sobriety may suffer if there is a long pause in your process. For this reason, you might want to get through to eight with this sponsor, even if a new sponsor asked you to re-format or re-share the 4th and 5th steps.
Just some thoughts to consider. You'll have to go with it as you see fit and as the others involved do as well. Just part of the mysterious flow of sobriety... Good luck!
As to the 4th step - just my opinion - but the options I see are:
... talking to him about completing the 4th step (promptly) while he remains your sponsor, and then taking 5, 6, & 7 with him (I also come from a model which does those three in one day - you share your fourth step with your sponsor, while they respond, share, etc., then you go home for some quiet time afterward and take 6 and 7 on your own with your higher power, in one fell swoop).
The reason I go first to the above idea is that many sponsors do the 4th differently, and you might find yourself starting over with a different format, plus, you've already built relationship with this sponsor and it may be easier to share your most private stuff with him.
In my experience, sponsors are fine with starting where the other left off, and this puts you on step 8 with a new sponsor (which feels tidy).
However, there are some sponsors who would prefer that you start over, so that they really learn you. They would suggest that without having heard your fourth step, they are unable to give you input on your step 8 & 9 amends list. Sometimes that input is critical, because a sponsor can see where you were at fault and owe amends, and you cannot.
Other factors. One of the beauties of doing the 4th and 5th with your sponsor is that then they do know your patterns and tendencies. My sponsor can just give me a funny (and I mean hmmm or haha, not mean) look across the room during a meeting, and I know that she knows that - for example - something that is being shared is directly related to my "stuff." I appreciate her knowing me more fully, as I am a somewhat private person in some ways with my public shares at meetings. I come off as very open, but there are locked doors and hidden boxes that I never bring out for my comrades in the meetings.
On the other hand - old AA suggests that you can even take the 5th step with a stranger, or a clergyperson, etc. In the big book, the link between the 5th step and the sponsor is not developed. They even mention some who take it with their wives (??!!) but then advise against this as so much might need to be edited out...
There might be a true sense of freedom in sharing with the current sponsor and then having him disappear from the program.
Finally, it takes a while to choose an appropriate sponsor and build relationship with them. If you are almost finished with your fourth step, your sobriety may suffer if there is a long pause in your process. For this reason, you might want to get through to eight with this sponsor, even if a new sponsor asked you to re-format or re-share the 4th and 5th steps.
Just some thoughts to consider. You'll have to go with it as you see fit and as the others involved do as well. Just part of the mysterious flow of sobriety... Good luck!
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I had just started working on step 4 when me and my first sponsor parted ways. When I found a new sponsor we reviewed step 3 and moved right into step 4. I think he just wanted to see if I had a grasp of the first 3 steps before moving forward.
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