Help me.
 

I am starting to feel some pretty awful things I would like to drink away. I hate myself. I always have. I have never told anyone any of this and bare with me, I'm crying. I hate the way I look. I am ugly, I am disgusting to look at. I started out a normal kid, first one in my grade to have the cute boy crush on me. I had many friends. Then I went from elementary to middle school and my best friend turned on me. The whole school turned on me. They called me ugly. A ***** (I was a virgin until 16) too skinny, rat face (that even hurts to say) it became a game to them that haunted me well out of high school and to this day. I started drinking at 15. Heavily. With older people not any where near my school. Just so they would not "see" how hideous I was. I had very handsome boyfriends, my daughter is beautiful. Why can't I drop this I'm 38??? My fiances brother called me a name at work the other day that brought this all back. I don't even like the way I act. I'm irrational, nervous, just plain old not cool at all. I'm stressed out all the time for no effin reason. I want to drink. I want to feel numb to this. I want to ignore my low self esteem. It hurts so bad. Why does this man even love me? Why does my daughter? When are they going to see what a mean ugly horrible monster I am? I can't deal with this.
That is my brain right now friends. What do I need to do to fix it? Should I be in therapy? Is this a normal thing? Does anyone else have these issues? I am going to shower and cry this pain out. I'll be back. No drinking. I promise. But I want to. Not gonna lie. I want to binge drink for weeks straight and forget about me. Someone help me

I know it's rough to deal with things without numbing ourselves CG.
A lot of us have decades of stuff we kinda pushed to one side.

I can promise you that the more you stay sober the more you'll deal with this stuff, and gain a new perspective on it.

If you don't like the way you look there's a load of stuff you can do...go get your hair cut, or have a make over, go to the gym if you feel you need to lose a few pounds...that stuff is easy :)

I'm no oil painting believe me, but it's never been my outsides that attracted people, it was my inside - the person I am.
You have a family that loves you. That's something a lot of us here don't have.

They know, even if you sometimes forget, that there's noone else on Earth quite like you :)

For years our addiction used our self esteem against us, and as a reason to drink. It's time to turn that around :)

You deserve happiness and contentment...it may hurt a little now but it's worth it. Stay with us :)

D

^^ What he said!!!

Listen, we have ALL had feelings like this.... stick with us, stick with sobriety, Life is a beautiful gift and you are beautiful because YOU ARE LIFE.

When we learn to embrace and celebrate that, we come to know true Joy.

Hang in there, you can break away from these feelings and into a whole new light.

:ring

I can really identify with what you are feeling. I've never felt okay with how I looked, acted, sounded, etc. Compliments make me uncomfortable because I don't believe them. I've noticed low self esteem is a common theme in alcoholism/addiction. In the past when I've stayed sober for a bit, I noticed the longer I stayed away from chemicals, the better I felt about myself. However I just got sober again last weeknow so I'm also starting over with the whole self image thing. I think therapy could be helpful. I've seen it help a lot of friends with similar issues. It's also nice to surround yourself with positive people who struggle with the same thing but are getting through it.

As far as wanting to drink the pain away, I always wondered whether I drank/drugged over my bad feelings, or if my bad feelings were caused by my drinking. I guess it doesn't really matter much just as long as we do something about it! I truly do feel for you, because I know the pain of self hatred and it sucks. I hope you can make it through this sober and I'm sending post I've thoughts your way.

I am reading this book, title in bold red, it has helped me enormously.

A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles" ― Marianne Williamson

A small quote from the book.

"Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.”

And to your question "Does anyone else have these issues?" ...... Oh my yes ... I certainly do.

What Dee said. My heart goes out to you. We all have self-hate and have to move on. It's actually very selfish and spirals into lots of self-destructive behavior. You might want to find a counselor to deal with old issues and learn to accept you more.

I'm not going to drink. But I think I need to see a professional. This crap is all in my head. I know there is nothing wrong with the way I look, (I think) but i obsess over it which isn't normal. My fiances brother says terrible things to all kinds of people. It's ME. Nothing wrong with my mom, my brother, my dad, my daughter... It's all in my head. I obsessively doing things. And if I get interrupted I become completely explosive and irrational no matter how little the task is. Ugh my head is actually hurting from stress. Is this all normal??? Should I sleep on it?

Just reading through posts. Thank you guys. Huge sense of relief reading these.

Thank you jake. I think I happened to find drugs and booze at the right time. While I was "having fun" my poor brain was unraveling. Instead of a few stupid years of teenage discomfort to get over I numbed it, added to it, and my brain is just misfiring all over do to the damage.

Countrygirl, Your resolve to face these feelings in a positive way sounds strong. Sleeping on it is an excellent start. Hooking up with a trusted counselor is a great idea, too. My experience in therapy was very helpful. Big hugs your way!

((((sweet countrygirl))))).

Alcohol, abuse, low self-esteem - they are buddies; they work in concert (they feed off one another) and tell us things that aren't true. Therapy may be a good idea; it may help you truly "see" the lovely and worthwhile person we see. A sustained abstinence from alcohol may weaken the others.

We are with you countrygirl.

The longer you are sober, the better you'll be able to deal with your feelings. It takes a while to heal after you stop drinking. Give yourself time. :hug: And seeing a good counselor is a good idea too. I see one and she's been very helpful. :)

I'm glad it sounds like you're thinking about seeing a therapist, what you're going through right now sounds absolutely dreadful and I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

BUT!

You are not alone. A lot of is have been in similar situations and have had similar thoughts and issues. You CAN get through this.

I can't say I'm in a good position to give you advice, but I can say that you sound pretty awesome to me.

I think it's definitely normal to have all those feelings. I know I have struggled through some of those issues and therapy has definitely helped. Allowing yourself to feel and talking about it will help. It sounds like you're having a rough day. Give yourself some credit for not drinking. Don't be so hard on yourself. :)

My recovery BEGAN in therapy almost 2 years ago. I have stumbled a couple times in the journey but I truly believe it ALL started with the right counselor. Self acceptance is what all of this is all about...
just the way we are. Therapy helps you learn how to be kinder...to you. You have to open up your own arms and heart to accept....you.
There was a sick little core of self loathing within me constantly fed by my own thoughts and judgements and expectations...
You need to get at that...and stop the hate : )

Hugs to you. I think counselling is a great idea. Now you are sober you are dealing with emotions that you were pushing down with alcohol before. Sounds normal to me, time to deal with them and find yourself. And keep away from that toxic man I hope your fiancee has told him to keep his unkind remarks to himself or stay away! X

Long ago you went through a long traumatic experience with your peers. You were likely taunted because you reacted to the harsh teasing. Taunting becomes a blood sport for many crewel children and adolescents. It continues because the victim reacts, not because the taunting in itself is true. Often a great deal of the problem is that the taunted person is insecure (as is common in children and adolescents) and they display reactions to the attacks which perpetuate the cruelty. Then, because the victim is insecure, they end up believing that the harassment was (an sometimes is) based in reality. Even when reality is not compatible with the taunting (you have had lots of handsome boyfriends) the emotional scars continue and can be triggered by current events.

Currently when trauma is 'activated', you play a sort of tape in your head of the old emotional hurts. Therapy could likely help this quite a bit. Someone who does CBT might be very useful.

So why do your daughter and your fiancé love you? Because they know you. They know you well, and they know the real you.

Yeah, therapy.

There's a lot of hurtful clutter in your head that needs to be discarded. Or at least rearranged.

Self-loathing offers nothing but tears and the guarantee of everlasting pain. There's no reason why you have to continue on with the living hell you've described.

Hi CG, when I go to therapy, I imagined brain like an office.....totally a mess papers everywhere, just scary. When I leave, everything is nice and neat and put away properly. Do
Something nice for yourself today.....