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Understanding the Alcholic mind.

Old 10-13-2014, 08:41 AM
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Understanding the Alcholic mind.

Why, why, why do I still think I can try to understand the alcoholic mind?

I had not heard anything from my xabf for 6 weeks now..

I have been doing good.. I mean really well the last couple of weeks. I told my therapist I felt like I should feel sad but don't.. I had so many highs and lows with him that this even keel is scary... I don't know how to do calm and serene. But guess what, I've been doing it...!!! And I'm actually liking it... I really am functioning from a center within me that's living and not dead... its focused on healing. When my thoughts leave this center and go to my false sense. I stop it.... yes I can actually have control over my feelings now... yeh!!

Anyways out of the blue he called Friday night. I thankfully didn't see his call until I was getting ready for bed, so there was no temptation to call him back. he didn't leave a message and I did not stay up all night contemplating what to do... I wasn't going to respond period.

Saturday night I get a text

axbf 7:16pm: Just thinking about you all the time, especially last night. Im eating out with my mom right now for her birthday..

it took me 10 min to decide if I wanted to respond or not. then I decided, I'm still going to be me. I just cant be rude... I enjoy being nice and kind. Also I'm strong, I can do this.

my text back 7:26pm: Aww, very nice. I'm sure she's having a great birthday then!

axbf 9:57pm: Hope you are doing well
axbf: 10:08 pm: Just got home we had fun

Sunday night
axbf 7:45 pm: How are you doing? Are you home?
axbf 7:48 pm: like to talk if you can, before I go to bed, if you would like?


me 7:53: Hi, I'm great. I just plugged my phone in so I can talk. (he knows my phone dies easily- and he usually talks a long time)

That was it... no phone call from him, no text message's...

I typed this out because I wanted honest opinions... did I sound like I didn't want him to call.


????????- I cant understand..... I just don't get it... I really don't. it took a lot for me to even respond to him...I really didn't want to open anything back up. but thought maybe he just needs someone to talk to..maybe he sees things differently. I want to be friendly...(I guess maybe I still want to "help" him and that's the enabler, co-dependent in me)

I know he's controlling (maybe he wanted me to call him)... I've written several things on here and others have said I should be afraid of him... I'm not.. I still think of him as a wounded soul. I know the anniversary of the death of that girlfriend is in another week. But why?

Why go through 3 days of messages after 6 weeks of nothing, just to end it like that... why not even say.... I've changed my mind, probably better not to talk.

Anyways.... I'm still good... yes I've given to much thought to him again this morning, but not obsessing over it.. just confused I guess..

What it did do for me though.... I don't want to talk to him... so I'm not going to..... I cant handle his crazy and keep getting well myself...

Wisdom needed please...
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Old 10-13-2014, 08:43 AM
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My wisdom is to just stop. No contact.

Even these little snippets are a threat to your own wellbeing, and you deserve this time to work on YOU.

Be well!
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Old 10-13-2014, 08:49 AM
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I can only speak from my experience. Relationships were, by far, the largest part of what got me into my "funk". I didn't recover until I disengaged from the ones that were slowly killing me.
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Old 10-13-2014, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
My wisdom is to just stop. No contact.

Even these little snippets are a threat to your own wellbeing, and you deserve this time to work on YOU.

Be well!
Bingo. I second that idea.
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Old 10-13-2014, 08:52 AM
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Ive just split from my ex gf and have had no further contact and I'm frightened to incase it opens old wounds which are still healing and im in early recovery. Are you being honest as to why you replied?? I agree with helpful 4, recovery is hard enough with out complicating it. I myself am scared of her making contact with me in my situation so i know how hard it is, but I also know at my stage it would do me no good. : )
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Old 10-13-2014, 08:57 AM
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No contact.

Don't answer him.

There's work to be done. Focus on your happiness.
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Old 10-13-2014, 09:02 AM
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I agree, just stop contact. Change your number. Move forward
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Old 10-13-2014, 11:38 AM
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I understand that I really do... And I really think I can do the no contact..

But no one tried addressing the why.... why would he ask to talk with me then not call... ????
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Old 10-13-2014, 11:41 AM
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It doesn't matter. Not your circus--not your monkeys. Stay gone.
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Old 10-13-2014, 11:48 AM
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you asked for wisdom?
Wisdom is knowledge applied. Ive been through this childish manipulation game.there is no winning, just not playing.

BTW , you didnt want to be rude to him?
Just "be rude"
a- Change your #
b- block his texts
or
c-Be his remote control puppet that he gets his jollies destroying ...and you are miserable?
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Old 10-13-2014, 11:55 AM
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I agree, just cut him off. And as far as "insight into the alcoholic mind," this may or may not be alcoholic-related. He could just be flaky, irresponsible, and/or unreliable. Just a thought.
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:00 PM
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To see if he still has a hold and by you answering he thinks hes got you round his finger

i would steer clear but its your life and i wish you luck no matter what
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Old 10-13-2014, 01:04 PM
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Please stop trying to be "nice" or "friendly". It's actually just being passive... and it looks like he's just playing with you, to see if he still has any control. Which it seems he does... maybe a little less control than before... but he still has it (maybe that answers your "why" question)
You shouldn't be worried about how you came across to him, if your message sounded like you actually wanted to talk to him. You can't save him. He can only save himself. And only you can save yourself. So, my advice would be to stop ALL contact.

I have a sort of similar experience actually... early this year my phone showed me they had called. I was shocked, thrown off guard for a bit... wondering and wondering "why did they call?!?" I missed them. But I also knew how controlling and manipulative they were. So I didn't call back. Then, a couple months ago, they sent me a FB message, again, totally out of the blue. Just a regular, normal message. So, I marked it unread, and never responded. I just can't. Wow, now that I think of it, they also showed up unannounced on my front step, this summer. I guess they were getting desperate. I spent the day with them. And things felt like normal. The good, and the bad... I noticed that the bad really was bad, though. I knew if I would have seen them again, they would have started in on all their abusive stuff.... it happens so insidiously, you don't always realise it until it's too late. So, my decision since then has been to never ever talk to them again. Period. They never changed. I really thought they might have - but they didn't. And I can't make them. They just pretend to change.

Anyway, sorry about that. I just think you're being passive, and opening the door for hurt. Why don't you be kind to yourself, and stay away from this person? I don't know the whole story, but my gut tells me this is not good.
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Old 10-13-2014, 01:15 PM
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Why.....who knows! He was lonely. He was in a mode of manipulation. He was bored. There could be a million reasons and none of us know the answer. If you really want to take care of yourself, you will not try to figure out the why either.

Trying to figure out why an addict does what they do is impossible.

Focus on YOU and why you need to do the things you need to do to take care of yourself.
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Old 10-13-2014, 01:57 PM
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here's what we know for FACTS:

he called.
he texted.
he didn't call.

trying to read some deeper even pathological reasoning to his motives will just drive you nuts.

as it was it only took you 10 mins to take the bait, rationalize and justify replying back (just going to be YOU, cant be RUDE) and where did it get you? back over in HIS HEAD.
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Old 10-14-2014, 07:23 AM
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Thanks ALL!!

So that's it then.. no more miss nice girl

He texted me once last night saying he was sorry he fell a sleep sooo fast Sunday night. then a half hour later tried he tried calling me and 15 min after that called again.

I sent him a text this morning saying: Hey if your tired your tired, however I do have to let you know I will not be answering any of your calls or texts any longer.. not mad, just that we have nothing else to say to each other. I wish you all the best .


I really believe I can stick to this!! I'm so done with this... That co-dependent part of me is healing a little bit more each day. I actually like not being in a relationship right now..(cant believe I said that

So wonderful to have people here that understand and arnt afraid to tell you what you need to hear!
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Old 10-14-2014, 07:35 AM
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that was the best thing you could have done for yourself.
this guy is incapable of being anything remotely good for you. (at least from what you have posted on here)

time to change the number and move forward, do not look back.
If he is anything like I think he is, he will try and contact you again after you sending that last msg. So be prepared for that, or just get a new number
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Old 10-14-2014, 07:35 AM
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I got this from the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section and it applies to you.

Don't be his Intermittent Chicken! Here is the post. It is great!

So a few weeks ago, I was telling my therapist how I don't understand why it's been so hard for me to let my XA go. It has honestly been so much harder to move on from that 16 month relationship than it was to divorce my XH, whom I had been with for 19 years. It's 3 months today since I got dumped via text by my XA, and although overall I'm doing a lot better, I still have days like yesterday where the pain just comes from out of nowhere and squeezes my heart until I don't think I'm going to be able to stand it. And even on the 'better' days, I know that my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes and my laughter sounds a bit forced, a bit hollow, even to my own ears...but the following story helped me better understand why I'm still struggling. So here goes (and sorry it's so long!):

My therapist told me that when he was studying to get his psychology degree, they had to do an experiment with chickens. They were given 3 chickens, and they had to document their behavior. The first chicken got a food pellet every time it pecked the lever. The second chicken got a food pellet intermittently, sometimes yes, sometimes no. The third chicken never got a food pellet no matter how many times it pecked the lever. My therapist asked me, "Which chicken do you think drove itself absolutely nuts pecking at that lever to get a food pellet?" I gave what seemed to me to be the most logical answer, "The one who never got the pellet...??" He said, "Nope. The one who only intermittently got the pellet." And then he looked at me expectantly, as if this information should have some relevant meaning to me, lol.

So I'm sitting there thinking, 'Ummm....okayyyyyy. What the heck does this story have to do with MY situation?? Why is he just sitting there, looking at me as if he thinks this little anecdote is going to have some significance for me??' So he finally takes pity on me (lol) and says, "That's what he did to YOU." And I just stared at him blankly and asked, "Did what to me? What do you mean?" And he goes, "He created that same situation with the intermittently-fed chicken with you. He always kept you unbalanced with that come here-go away dynamic, he'd call you to come over, you'd be on cloud nine, and then you wouldn't hear from him for a week. Or two. Or a month. Then all of a sudden you'd hear from him three weeks in a row, and then you wouldn't hear again for who knows how long. And he kept up this unpredictable rhythm of highs and lows, always keeping you guessing, never knowing when you'd hear, until you didn't know if you were coming or going. He had you right where he wanted you - close enough to keep you hooked, so that you'd come running when he wanted you, but distant enough that he never had to make any real effort or commitment. And that type of dynamic creates an obsession, wondering when you're going to hear from him, when you're going to see him, then you'd see him and sometimes he'd say all the right things and let you stay over and other times it was for an hour and he'd practically kick you out as soon as it was over. Either way, he'd then go back to ignoring your existence, leaving you to obsess over when you were going to hear from him again, until he wanted his selfish needs satisfied again. You see, he created an obsession in you, just like the obsession created with the intermittent chicken never knowing when it was going to get a food pellet." By this time, I think my jaw was hanging open, and I practically screeched in disbelief, "Wait, I'M the intermittent chicken????" LOL!

I can (mostly) laugh about it now. But I have to say, it took a couple days to fully sink in, and when it did, it really bothered me.....because I knew it was TRUE. Whether deliberate or not, he had turned me into his damn chicken - and I had LET him!! I allowed myself to be turned into an obsessed, clucking chicken frantically pecking at the lever, desperate to get a tiny pellet of affection from him. And my therapist said that these types of relationships can be very difficult to break free of.

I have to say, it was really one of those 'lightbulb' moments for me, and it has stuck with me these past weeks. And on the days when it hurts so much, when I feel like I can't take it, I allow myself to feel the pain, sit with it a bit, and usually shed some tears. But then I do my best to shut it out, dry my eyes and remind myself, "NO. I am NOT his intermittent chicken anymore."
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Old 10-14-2014, 08:15 AM
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Mixed messages are both maddening and, more importantly, quite mad. Run, don't walk, away!
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:11 AM
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His exchanges with you show nothing more than the best he has to offer. Sometimes present, sometimes not. It's all about his schedule and his motivations. Most of us reveal much more than we intend to reveal. Our life stories are written all over us. For those who can read. But you don't need to be a psychologist to see what others are trying to hide.

As per ArtFriend's comments, an "intermittent schedule of reinforcement" accounts for a great range of human behaviors. My drinking stopped "working" for me years before I stopped drinking, but every so often it did the trick. All the pain, the suffering and the abiding sense of loss and despair were worth it on some very deep and elusive level because drinking made me "feel good" once in a blue moon. ISFs also account for why people stay in abusive relationships with other people. "He's a very sweet guy when he's not trying to kill me." A person who's starving settling for stale bread crumbs.

This is an extremely difficult dynamic to crack, but it also provides information on how we're doing with our own lives. The less frequently we respond, the more "grounded" we're becoming, and the less likely we are to respond in the future. One could argue that this also explains in part why total abstinence is preferable to moderation for many of us who have problems with alcohol.
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