Back & ready for round 2
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Back & ready for round 2
Hi all,
I had my first go round at this starting February 14, 2013. At that point I was posting here constantly, sometimes hours a day... it really got me through those first few months. At that time I was terrified. I hadn't been sober more than a few days in years, and after a lay off I'd really gone to town and ended up so sick and scared I went to the ER.
After a while I got really involved in yoga, got a new job, and drifted away from SR.
I first relapsed about a year ago after a little over 8 months sober. It was triggered by a visit to my parents, and ended with me confessing to them that I'm an alcoholic.
When I returned home, the job started going sour fast (bad relationship with my boss) and I started turning to alcohol. I wasn't happy with it but it wasn't anywhere near the levels it had been, until I lost my job.
Over the last year it's been hit or miss. A lot like it was maybe 5 years ago when I would have called myself a heavy drinker. A big part of this was that I started a very serious new relationship and began spending nearly all of my time with him. Once or twice a week I'd binge, but I couldn't otherwise.
Then at the start of the summer, he broke my heart. It was the first real heartbreak I've had to cope with since trying to tackle this thing, and since alcohol was already on my mental "shouldn't-but-might" list, I fell apart. All the stuff we know really well — drinking myself to sleep, drinking while working (I had a new job which has since ended, but thankfully only due to lack of funding & on good terms — I worked from home so I was able to conceal my problem as long as I still got the job done). I was also partying like crazy, which people always think is acceptable at such a time but of course was only the tip of the iceberg for me.
The relationship is a long story but we recently decided to reconcile, and once again I felt great because I was having a beer or two — not that I wanted to stop but that I had to.
Then he was out of town for two weeks and I finally started processing the fact that I'm unemployed again, which is causing me great anxiety. And I started bingeing again, this time the worst since the last time I lost my job.
Now I'm quitting again for real. I have made myself absolutely miserable these past months, far more so than was necessary even given the unpleasant ups and downs I've been going through. I know that if I were sober I would have found a way to cope better with all of this.
I'm not off completely yet... after one day, I had a dizzy spell that really frightened me. I don't think it was DTs but I do know it was withdrawal. I was also sick to my stomach.
I'm uninsured so I'm giving the alcohol taper a try, after lots of reading. Only very low ABV beer, only enough to relieve the withdrawal symptoms. Some articles suggest it may be safe for me to be completely free within a day or so. Of course I will get medical help if I need it, but since in my case it would only be emergency care, I can't afford to do it unless I think I'm showing really bad symptoms. The first time around I could barely move for a week. This time I'm still out and about doing my thing and feeling mostly OK, other than those episodes which shook me up pretty badly.
I have the same feeling I had when I first quit — I am DONE. I want out. This whole thing is an unnecessary mess that is chipping away at my life. I don't even want this beer right now except that it's helping me feel safer (physically rather than emotionally).
This time, as opposed to last time, I know that I can do this and I know how much happier I will be very soon. It seems daunting but far less so... not to be complacent about it of course, but I just have this feeling that I'm ready to be done.
I realize that right now my biggest support is from this relationship — he has had alcohol issues and after playing around with moderation has also recently quit. This is obviously a bad thing. He knows I'm worried but not how bad I've been, our relationship is a very tentative thing as I try to figure out whether I can get past what happened, and of course putting this on him is unfair.
So amongst other things, I thought I should come back here.
Not sure if there are any familiar faces around, but yes or no, hello & nice to meet or remeet you!
Fantail
I had my first go round at this starting February 14, 2013. At that point I was posting here constantly, sometimes hours a day... it really got me through those first few months. At that time I was terrified. I hadn't been sober more than a few days in years, and after a lay off I'd really gone to town and ended up so sick and scared I went to the ER.
After a while I got really involved in yoga, got a new job, and drifted away from SR.
I first relapsed about a year ago after a little over 8 months sober. It was triggered by a visit to my parents, and ended with me confessing to them that I'm an alcoholic.
When I returned home, the job started going sour fast (bad relationship with my boss) and I started turning to alcohol. I wasn't happy with it but it wasn't anywhere near the levels it had been, until I lost my job.
Over the last year it's been hit or miss. A lot like it was maybe 5 years ago when I would have called myself a heavy drinker. A big part of this was that I started a very serious new relationship and began spending nearly all of my time with him. Once or twice a week I'd binge, but I couldn't otherwise.
Then at the start of the summer, he broke my heart. It was the first real heartbreak I've had to cope with since trying to tackle this thing, and since alcohol was already on my mental "shouldn't-but-might" list, I fell apart. All the stuff we know really well — drinking myself to sleep, drinking while working (I had a new job which has since ended, but thankfully only due to lack of funding & on good terms — I worked from home so I was able to conceal my problem as long as I still got the job done). I was also partying like crazy, which people always think is acceptable at such a time but of course was only the tip of the iceberg for me.
The relationship is a long story but we recently decided to reconcile, and once again I felt great because I was having a beer or two — not that I wanted to stop but that I had to.
Then he was out of town for two weeks and I finally started processing the fact that I'm unemployed again, which is causing me great anxiety. And I started bingeing again, this time the worst since the last time I lost my job.
Now I'm quitting again for real. I have made myself absolutely miserable these past months, far more so than was necessary even given the unpleasant ups and downs I've been going through. I know that if I were sober I would have found a way to cope better with all of this.
I'm not off completely yet... after one day, I had a dizzy spell that really frightened me. I don't think it was DTs but I do know it was withdrawal. I was also sick to my stomach.
I'm uninsured so I'm giving the alcohol taper a try, after lots of reading. Only very low ABV beer, only enough to relieve the withdrawal symptoms. Some articles suggest it may be safe for me to be completely free within a day or so. Of course I will get medical help if I need it, but since in my case it would only be emergency care, I can't afford to do it unless I think I'm showing really bad symptoms. The first time around I could barely move for a week. This time I'm still out and about doing my thing and feeling mostly OK, other than those episodes which shook me up pretty badly.
I have the same feeling I had when I first quit — I am DONE. I want out. This whole thing is an unnecessary mess that is chipping away at my life. I don't even want this beer right now except that it's helping me feel safer (physically rather than emotionally).
This time, as opposed to last time, I know that I can do this and I know how much happier I will be very soon. It seems daunting but far less so... not to be complacent about it of course, but I just have this feeling that I'm ready to be done.
I realize that right now my biggest support is from this relationship — he has had alcohol issues and after playing around with moderation has also recently quit. This is obviously a bad thing. He knows I'm worried but not how bad I've been, our relationship is a very tentative thing as I try to figure out whether I can get past what happened, and of course putting this on him is unfair.
So amongst other things, I thought I should come back here.
Not sure if there are any familiar faces around, but yes or no, hello & nice to meet or remeet you!
Fantail
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome back Fantail 
To be honest I wouldn't let no insurance stop me from seeking medical advice if not supervision.
Self tapering is risky, and may not even work. It didn't for me.
There are a lot of free or low cost clinics around - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?
http://www.needymeds.org/free_clinics.taf
2-1-1 Call Center Search
Even your local ER is an better option than do-it-yourself if you find yourself in trouble.
stay safe, whatever you decide.
D
To be honest I wouldn't let no insurance stop me from seeking medical advice if not supervision.
Self tapering is risky, and may not even work. It didn't for me.
There are a lot of free or low cost clinics around - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?
http://www.needymeds.org/free_clinics.taf
The 10377 clinics in this database are free, low cost, low cost with a sliding scale based on income, or offer some type of financial assistance.
2-1-1 provides free and confidential information and referral. Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more. Learn more about your local 2-1-1 by looking it up here.
stay safe, whatever you decide.
D
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Welcome back fantail. You can do it!
Have you looked at the new insurance options from the government? I don't know a lot about it but I have a friend in recovery who was laid off and he has insurance for around $20 a month. Just go if you have to go, don't want to mess around with it.
Have you looked at the new insurance options from the government? I don't know a lot about it but I have a friend in recovery who was laid off and he has insurance for around $20 a month. Just go if you have to go, don't want to mess around with it.
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Thanks everyone, hi Dee
I hear you on the medical care... I'm seriously going back and forth on it. On the one hand, it's scary as anything to try to make such a serious decision... on the other hand, a month ago or less I was drinking maybe only once every few days and not much, and I wasn't experiencing any ill effects... I'm really hoping that the first day was a really bad hangover plus minor withdrawal.
I definitely recognize that if anything else scary happens, I need to get someone else involved.
Thanks for the links Dee, and Tamerua — I only left the last job about 2 weeks ago, so I hadn't started insurance yet. I do know there are some good options now and really wish I had looked into this before. I wasn't expecting the physical effects to be so intense this time (and also was too busy freaking out to think about being responsible).
Thanks for the support all.
I hear you on the medical care... I'm seriously going back and forth on it. On the one hand, it's scary as anything to try to make such a serious decision... on the other hand, a month ago or less I was drinking maybe only once every few days and not much, and I wasn't experiencing any ill effects... I'm really hoping that the first day was a really bad hangover plus minor withdrawal.
I definitely recognize that if anything else scary happens, I need to get someone else involved.
Thanks for the links Dee, and Tamerua — I only left the last job about 2 weeks ago, so I hadn't started insurance yet. I do know there are some good options now and really wish I had looked into this before. I wasn't expecting the physical effects to be so intense this time (and also was too busy freaking out to think about being responsible).
Thanks for the support all.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome back.
You sound confident about getting past these early days, as you've done it before. The problem for you has been later down the road, when you have acquired months of sobriety.
So work now on a strategy and plan for getting through the challenges that are bound to come up.
Originally Posted by fantail 
I have the same feeling I had when I first quit — I am DONE. I want out.
So work now on a strategy and plan for getting through the challenges that are bound to come up.
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Thanks everyone, good to be back
Doggone Carl, 100% agree. Not happy to have to go through this twice, but at least this time I feel like I've learned that my weakness is definitely over-confidence. Definitely in it for the long haul this time and am working in therapy to think about long-term strategy.
General update: nursed six super light beers over six hours last night, then went to sleep for six hours. Today feeling pretty good — not like sober good, but not hungover and nothing like yesterday. Feeling cautiously optimistic that my choice to wait it out was risky and not something I'd advise anyone else to do, but hopefully won't turn into a disaster this time. But researched some nearby clinics and I'm keeping an eagle eye on how I feel. If it starts getting bad again I'm going to bite the financial bullet & go in.
Overall feeling is, let's do this thing, I'm so ready to put this behind me.
Doggone Carl, 100% agree. Not happy to have to go through this twice, but at least this time I feel like I've learned that my weakness is definitely over-confidence. Definitely in it for the long haul this time and am working in therapy to think about long-term strategy.
General update: nursed six super light beers over six hours last night, then went to sleep for six hours. Today feeling pretty good — not like sober good, but not hungover and nothing like yesterday. Feeling cautiously optimistic that my choice to wait it out was risky and not something I'd advise anyone else to do, but hopefully won't turn into a disaster this time. But researched some nearby clinics and I'm keeping an eagle eye on how I feel. If it starts getting bad again I'm going to bite the financial bullet & go in.
Overall feeling is, let's do this thing, I'm so ready to put this behind me.
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