MarathonMan

Hi all,

A quick question was just wondering about people opinions on. I have a lot of resentment around drinking at the minute....I resent the fact I can't enjoy it like other people and I resent that I can't do it any more, I resent that I'm setting myself for a whole lifetime of missing out. I'm looking into the future like it's a sentence I have to carry out. I'm feeling a lot of feelings of anger towards the whole situation over the last couple of days. I was invited out for a drink by some old friends and as soon as I said I couldn't drink they couldn't wait to put the phone down and it made me really sad. It's a lonely feeling being sober so far which is maybe breeding the unhappiness.

The question is does the resentment mean I'm not ready for sobriety? Will I end up one of the bitter dry drunks that people talk about. Everyone talks about serenity and how being sober is a gift and how they would never go back. My problem is if I thought my drinking wouldn't wreck my life I'd go back in a second, it's only the fear of the person i become on occasion that is keeping me away.

I think I've got the willpower for sobriety but maybe not the acceptance that a lot of others seem to have.

Barnumb

Marathon Man, it is all perspective and attitude. At any time each of us has the choice to throw in the towel or keep a sober head. Your Sober Brain knows what you are doing is right. your AV is acting up and making you second guess and feel like a victim. Kick it to the curb. Pull up your boot straps and keep on keeping on. you should know this, after all you are Marathon Man...not some sprinter.

Meraviglioso

Great post MM, you really put clearly into words a lot of what I have been feeling. Not all the time, but I do go through phases of brutal anger.
Unfortunately, I don't know what to tell you. I think it is normal to feel anger like this from time to time. I too would like to get to the acceptance phase where I am really and truly happy to be sober. I imagine that this comes to each of us in our own time. Some are fortunate to feel it right away and others have to wait a while.
I do try to remember that the quickest way from point A to point B is a straight line though. There are some things that we just have to plug straight on through to get to the other side, and anger is one of them. Ignoring it or trying to push it aside will only make this phase last longer. I wish I could offer you more about how to resolve this, but I just don't know what it will take. For now I am keeping the faith that this peace will come and trying to focus on the positives that staying sober bring me.
I hope some more experienced folks will come along and offer you better advice. For now I can only offer you my support and let you know that you are not alone and there are others who understand.

JD4010

I went to a party on Saturday night and was afraid that I'd be resentful of people who were drinking and having a good time there. But it turned out to be a piece of cake. Nobody cared whether I was drinking or not. I was walking around with a glass full of cranberry juice and was able to "mingle" just fine. Some people got pretty well loaded as the night wore on, so I kept my distance from them. Others had one or two drinks and cut it off. I know at least one other person there was drinking cranberry juice too.

I'm actually becoming happy with the fact that I can say, "I don't drink" when someone asks.

MarathonMan

I think maybe part of the problem is I'm having a hard time facing up to some of the things I've done over the past few months and being sober is making me do that (my relapse was pretty dark...by my standards anyway), it's making me think about the people I hurt....maybe I resent it for that reason too, it was easy not to think when you're stuck in the cycle.

Wastinglife

I was a little resentful for a while. However, my drinking had taken away everything I had. At one point, I couldn't drink only because I had no money. I was bankrupt with less than $10 in the bank. I no longer was resentful about not having fun with friends ever again because I was more concerned with finding my next meal and a roof over my head.

Alcohol stopped being fun a decade ago. It really is a case of life or death for me.

MavisTheFairy13

I did initially. Felt it wasn't fair that other people could have a few drinks, let their hair down and not spend the rest of the week drinking as well. My husband can go for a few weeks with no alcohol and then just have a couple of beers on a night. I think the problem is associating alcohol with pleasure and fun. Maybe it used to be for me when I wasn't a big drinker (didn't drink a lot till I was in my 30s) but it certainly isn't now. Last time I went to a friends house (for a spa party - didn't even know what one was lol) I was so nervous because I didn't go out and didn't know anyone apart from the host, that I downed 2 bottles of wine, ended up throwing up in front of them all, was sharing a taxi home with one of them and had to keep asking driver to stop so I could get out and be sick. Next day I got bus to work then started throwing up again and had to get my father in law to come get me. I blamed some food I'd eaten before the party... it certainly wasn't fun. that was a couple of years ago, not surprisingly I never got invited again. So I'm now glad I don't have to worry about any of that. I do still wonder if going out will be the same, will it be fun and will I be fun. Gonna find out in December at xmas party. First one sober I would try not to analyse too much. If you feel angry and annoyed let it out. Maybe through your running or at the gym? I think it will pass as time goes on.

maia1234

MM, I went to an open AA meeting Sunday am. (I'm with alanon) and our speaker brought up about being afraid of never having a good time again. (the speaker was 15 years sober) He talked about that being one of the biggest fears of getting sober. He talked about how much his life is better then it ever was and has more fun because he can remember the previous evening. He laughs harder then he ever did, because he truly embraces life. Which he couldn't when he was drinking and living with all the guilt.

After he talked, about 1/2 a dozen sober AA members mentioned that fear and each one agreed that they laugh, love, have fun and enjoy life - better. They all agreed that they were afraid life would suck, but it was 100% better now.

We all feel sorry for ourselves at sometime. I am in the process of a divorce from my AH, October 29. I have been enabling him for 34 years of my 50 years on this planet. I feel sorry for myself also, that I won't have any fun either.

We all have issues, I pray that you get through this and hope you can stay sober for you. I would cut off my right leg if that is what would get my STBXAH sober.

You are in my prayers, one hour at a time.... YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Climber122

MM,

This is a pretty normal thing most of us go through I think. I believe you might be able to get a handle on it by conceptualizing your thoughts about quitting drinking as a process, and you are grieving its loss. There is a good reason you decided you had to get sober, although I don't know all your reasons. So now you are in a healthy (albeit scary sometimes) debate with yourself, weighing the pros and cons of drinking. Maybe this will help:

Consider that losing drinking is like a best friend dying. We are deeply tied into our drug, we quite literally "love" it. In that sense, we can apply the stages of grieving to drinking, because you have "lost" your best friend, alcohol. I truly get it.

So the stages of grieving are:

1. Denial: "I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic..."
2. Anger: "This shouldn't be happening to me and I'm pissed off about it!"
3. Bargaining: "Maybe I can drink a little?"
4. Depression: "I am stuck - I know I can't drink but I still want to - it's sad and frustrating."
5. Acceptance: "I am an alcoholic, I can no longer drink and live, and it's time to start improving my life without alcohol."

Just a thought, but perhaps you are in the bargaining stage? It sounds like you are weighing the knowledge that alcohol is a problem for you with the social costs of quitting. Just stay there for a while and think about that - it's a good place to be where you are right now. THIS is the hard work of sobriety, right now... you're doing it! Think about why a friendship should be affected by whether or not you drink one liquid over another. Interesting questions.

MarathonMan

Mai - Sorry about your divorce and thanks for the AA story. Don't worry I'm not ready to give up on giving up, I'm just worried about the way I feel....I had a couple of years sober before and never really felt like this...maybe because I knew it was just a reset, even when I quit I didn't think it would be forever so maybe that made it easier.

MarathonMan

Climber - great way of looking at it and very different.....I think I'd still be phase 2 rather than phase 3.....I'm not so far trying to convince myself I could drink albeit even a little.....just damn pissed off that I can't

Anna

Yes, it's the hardest part of recovery in my opinion. There is no way around it but to look at oneself with brutal honesty. The upside is that you will see both the bad and the good about yourself and you can build on the good.

tomsteve

I don't think the resentments mean yer not ready for sobriety. I think they mean yer seeing a lot and ready to work on solutions.
youll only end up a bitter dry drunk if ya let it happen.
fear of who you've become is keeping you away.hmmm. ya know, fear can be good and fear of not the person I become as I know it, but the one thagt hasn't come out when drunk would appear. not only that, fear of who I could hurt and possible kill.

acceptance... heres a lil sumthin of me in the beginning of recovery:
I got iinto AA and the 1st part of the 1st step is,"we admitted we were powerless over alcohol..."
I had no problem with that. easy to admit. but somewhere early on I accepted it. I cant explain it still other than to say that I was starting to feel a change in me for the better and accepted powerlessness and that drinking was no longer a solution.

keep on trudging and seeking answers. work on you and changing who you are and you will get weller.

Joe Nerv

My opinion and experience:

Unfortunately, I do believe that if someone has a serious alcohol problem and all they do is put down the drink, yes, they will wind up a bitter and resentful "dry drunk".

My wife doesn't have a problem with alcohol, nor do my parents or a whole bunch of other people I hang with. A lot of them have only a few drinks a year, and none of them have an issue or do battle with that. They lead happy, productive, and exciting lives.

But that's not the point I want to make. I think the point there was that people without an alcohol problem have no problem not drinking. The fact that you're here posting what you did tells me that ain't you. Which makes you more like me, a person who knows that if I drink I'm in big trouble.

Had I just put down the drink and not become a different person, I'd be absolutely miserable. Or I'd have drank again. I'm certain of that. What I did was I jumped completely into sobriety, with no reservations whatsoever. I went to AA, got involved in the steps, got a sponsor, hung out with only AA people for a while, took every suggestion that was thrown at me, questioned nothing, and accepted everything. For about a year. Then I held onto what I needed and ventured back into the "real" world. AA people taught me that alcohol wasn't necessary to have a good time, and that I'd actually have a way better time without it. Being wide awake and seeing things clearly has an awesome intensity to it. Remembering everything is just an added bonus .

I consider myself fortunate because when I entered recovery I had no options. I was a non functioning drunk, there was no such thing as the internet, I had to get out of the house and be proactive about my recovery. I was as desperate as desperate could be and grabbed onto AA as though it were a life preserver and I just fell off ship in the middle of the Atlantic. Not being in as desperate a spot as I was would have made it a lot tougher for me to swallow the "sobriety pill" I had to. Many years later I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am, and how much "fun" I've experienced. Fun I'm certain I never would have been a part of had I continued drinking. Went to college and got involved in all the kinds of things they make movies about, got to graduate college and get a job teaching, got re-involved in music and toured other countries headlining shows, got married, traveled to several of my dream vacation spots with my wife. And it goes on, and on, and on. Should note too that I was always (still am to a certain degree) an introverted, shy kinda guy who before sobriety was never able to socialize or function without the help of alcohol. Or Valium.

My drinking buddy just retired from his job. Talked to him on the phone yesterday. He's still drinking. His life now consists of sitting on his couch, reading, drinking, and playing an upright bass he just bought. Anything and everything else the planet has to offer him is useless and over rated, according to him. He has 0 desire to do anything other than what he is. He gives pretty much all his money to his ex-wife, who he lives with and who hates him, and his son who walks all over him. And here's the kicker... I asked him about traveling, as he has the time and resources to do it now. He scoffed at the idea, saying it means nothing to him to see the things that excite other people. He sees it all differently. The only thing that he said he might ever even remotely consider is Oktoberfest, in Germany. It's really sad IMO. Even tragic, as this guy is an incredibly talented and intelligent dude.

Bottom line to all this - you might want to seriously consider a complete overhaul, even if ya don't feel it's necessary. Changing the way I used to live, and think has made all the difference in the world to me. I don't miss alcohol. I haven't in a long long long long time. And I have no desire to drink ever again. And that's coming from a guy who drank every single day, and couldn't imagine a world without alcohol. It can be done. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I didn't make the initial investment I did, and considered it all an entirely new life.

halfvictory

MM:

I am feeling what you're feeling. I think that's what we all think in the early sobriety. I keep thinking about BBQ's, neighborhood parties, dinner drinks, etc.

We just need to worry about today.

Fly N Buy

Great post MM and some really sound sharing on your thread. Honesty in how we feel, for me is what gets us through today and make tomorrow a possibility.

You posted two keys that I heavily identify with; will power and acceptance.
Sheer willpower did not work for me. I am amazed others can do it on willpower, but there's zero chance for this ole drunk....tried and tried and tried. I really, really, really tried. I had to have some sort of structured program. If one looks up recovery in the phone book it's always the first listing....that's where I go.

Acceptance was another key - well, after many lessons I could check that one off readily in terms of accepting I was boozer and simply could not drink, ever. I do not have long term sobriety like others who have taken the time to respond - listen to them - but, acceptance was part of their deal as well.

Glad you are among us and really glad you post with honesty and from the heart!!!
That is another huge key......Honesty - about who we are.

peace to us all on our journeys
fly

ArtFriend

There is phrase in psychology called stinkin' thinkin' - which is basically what you tell yourself about a given situation. This type of thinking is flawed, but you can't see it. Cognitive distortions or irrational beliefs can be challenged and reframed into a more realistic light.

I used this to lose weight. I made up 3 by 5 cards with "responses" to whatever objections I thought about dieting. For example:

Thought - It's so unfair that I have to be on a diet

Response Card - Many people have to watch what they eat to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight. I have no choice. I can let a sense of unfairness consume me, go off my diet and gain weight or I can accept this is what I must do to have all the benefits of losing weight.
**********************************
Thought - I have no choices

Response Card - I am choosing to say no choice if I want to lose weight because I must do what is required not what I feel like doing.
*************************************
Thought - I am so hungry I can't stand it

Response Card - Hunger is never an emergency. It is only slightly uncomfortable and I can ride it out. It will come and go.
*********************************
Thought - I want to eat (whatever)

Response card - Eating won't solve this problem. It will only make things worse because then I'll have two problems; the original one, plus feeling weak, guilty discouraged, & worried that I may have gained weight.

So you get the idea. I am thinking of using these to help me stop drinking. Just rewritten. Maybe something like this could help you??

Altoids

I absolutely love the honesty in this thread. Thank you for posting this.

What you described I have experienced, too. It will pass. I know that sounds rather flippant and I really dislike it when I'm reminded of it when I'm in one of those ruts. But it will pass. Keep on keeping on with what you know is the right thing to do. Just keep on doing the next right thing.

Now-a-days I cannot think about drinking without feeling the consequences of it. It makes me physically cringe when it enters my mind. I'm thankful for that.

Praying you will get through this quickly and be able to share your experience, strength and hope you've gained from it.

MarathonMan

Thanks for the replies everyone.....i'm sure i'll work my way through it, it helps to be able to air certain insecurities on here and get some different perspectives. I'm trying to give AA a chance but im really struggling as im no good at talking to people, ive tried but always feel a fool....it's somehow easier as its in writing and not face to face.

Eshgham

Nothing much to say except that I definitely relate, the feeling tends to come and go though for me. When you find yourself doing something really enjoyable while sober it probably will no longer be there.