Trying to help the ones I hurt
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
The thing about other people is, no matter how awesome they are, if you put the responsibility for your recovery on them they will, at least to the alcoholic, 'let you down' - one day they won't be there, or they annoy you or you have a fight or whatever.
You need to do this for you. That's the only constant that worked for me.
yes it's tough. I remember I felt disgusted with myself and filled with self hate...you don't have to believe you're worth it - but you need to make decisions like you do...
the self esteem and healthy decisions will come, trust me
D
You need to do this for you. That's the only constant that worked for me.
yes it's tough. I remember I felt disgusted with myself and filled with self hate...you don't have to believe you're worth it - but you need to make decisions like you do...
the self esteem and healthy decisions will come, trust me
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: port moody
Posts: 10
29 days clean as of today. Been a week from hell and have managed to remain clean. Week started off great then Tuesday the wheels fell off when my girlfriend believed I was lying about work. I was not but she still does not see it that way. Thursday she believed i lied again when I failed to tell her that my boss gave me money as a reward. Lying by omission. It was something that I wanted to tell her in person but for 2 nights in a row she spent all night on the phone.
I know she does not believe me cause of my past actions. All actions and behaviours that I accept full responsibility for. Regaining her trust takes longer than a month, hell takes years and I am aware of that and will go thru hell to regain it. Cleaning up my own backyard and showing her that I have changed is her words. I am trying to do so and yes I did ask for her to change somethings in the way she acts towards me and the way she acts towards guys she has used against me. So now instead of anything changing in that regards I must concentrate on cleaning up my own past failures and showing that I am different and remain clean. I love her very, very much and it does hurt when she says and does those things but they are cause of my previous actions so I have to accept it and deal with it my own way. I will do that and unlike before where my own way was to use I will deal with things in a way that is of benefit to her and I, to society and to my recovery
I know she does not believe me cause of my past actions. All actions and behaviours that I accept full responsibility for. Regaining her trust takes longer than a month, hell takes years and I am aware of that and will go thru hell to regain it. Cleaning up my own backyard and showing her that I have changed is her words. I am trying to do so and yes I did ask for her to change somethings in the way she acts towards me and the way she acts towards guys she has used against me. So now instead of anything changing in that regards I must concentrate on cleaning up my own past failures and showing that I am different and remain clean. I love her very, very much and it does hurt when she says and does those things but they are cause of my previous actions so I have to accept it and deal with it my own way. I will do that and unlike before where my own way was to use I will deal with things in a way that is of benefit to her and I, to society and to my recovery
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
If you stay sober and keep working on your recovery thinks will work out cwo - they always do - maybe not always the way we imagined they would - but they do...
do this for you - keep the faith
D
do this for you - keep the faith
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Coming from someone who has dated an addict I can tell you that the only way to show how sorry you are is by being honest and staying clean. Following your treatment plan. My ex bf wrote me long emails and texts about how sorry he was and how much he loved me, told me every time I saw him, gave me nice cards and flowers, but he wasn't following his plan. And continued to be dishonest. I would get so fed up hearing his empty promises, I told him to stop telling me he loved me, just show me by doing what he promised to do. Maybe harsh but I meant it. His "I love yous" and "I'm sorrys" stopped having any meaning to me. And he too was in such a hurry for things to return to "normal." He couldn't stand that I didn't trust him and that neither of us knew if/when I would.
I understand your relationship with your gf is a major incentive for you to stay sober but you have to want this for yourself more than anyone else. Your gf could eventually realize she can't live her life this way.
I understand your relationship with your gf is a major incentive for you to stay sober but you have to want this for yourself more than anyone else. Your gf could eventually realize she can't live her life this way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
cw- I want to say, good for you. It is so inspiring to see your dedication to getting and staying clean, its a process and it will take time for the people around you to accept you as clean and honest, but as it has been said here numerous times, eventual trust is all about your actions. Your recovery has to be all about you, it has to be your highest priority. I am so proud to read this thread. Seriously, good work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: port moody
Posts: 10
30 days.
For 30 days I have won the battle against my drug addiction. For 30 days I have woken up every morning clean and remembering what I did the day and night before. For 30 days I have faced life's challenges the way they should be faced. Head on and clean. Unfortunately I have not faced them all successfully to the best of my ability but I have not ran from the challenges. I have not hid from them and used. I have faced some challenges and failed to make the proper decision and do my best but I do know that by remaining clean I can make better and wiser decisions next time. I do know that being clean I have no idea what my best is but it will be exciting finding out how much better I can be. Being 30 days clean I have strength. I feel most mornings that I can lift anything again. I have most of my physical strength back that I robbed myself of while using. I have my desire and ability and joy of working again. I am no longer dreading to go to work. I now look forward to work.
Being 30 days clean I see the beauty of my girlfriend. I see an amazing woman that I would love to spend my life with. Being 30 days clean I see the joy and blessings of her 2 wonderful girls. Playing with them and helping them and just seeing them smile and laugh. Being 30 days clean I look forward to coming home from work top spend time with them and with my girlfriend. Being able to look each and everyone of them in the eyes and not have to hide for fear they will know I was using. I can look them in the eyes and smile knowing full well that I am clean and that I am liking myself and my life so much better now. Being able to make plans with them all to go out as a family.
Being clean for 30 days has made me feel again. Made me feel love, joy, happiness and gain more and more self confidence. It has also made me feel the hurt and pain I have caused my girlfriend and her 2 daughters. It has brought back the memories of my previous actions and the shame that comes along with it. The terror of knowing I was the person that did those to them, that disappeared, that made promises and didn't keep them, that broke their hearts and didn't think twice about doing it, that stole from them and lied endlessly. I was the person that choose everyone else over them and then blamed them when confronted. I hate these feelings and thoughts and memories. I would wish for them to go away but that would only be done by using again. I need these memories and feelings and thoughts to better myself and to make sure I don't do that stuff again. I need the memories and feelings so I can know how they felt when I was doing that stuff to them and I can learn from these memories and feelings. I can learn that I never, ever want to cause anyone that much suffering again. I can learn how to treat them right. I can learn from those memories and thoughts and feelings to show love to them.
The only way I can show love to them is to love myself. So while I have these thoughts, memories and feelings I can not and will not let them bring me down or back to past ways. Those past ways are was caused the pain and the hatred for myself is what I felt gave me justification to do those things. I know now there never will be any justification for those actions but there is actions that can be done to heal those wounds. Those are the actions that I will put into practice, one's that heal wounds not cause wounds. One's that show love to myself and to others. One's that show my addictions no longer control my life. I control my life. Being 30 days clean I see my life getting a whole lot better. Better than it ever has been before. I WILL remain clean cause I deserve a better life than what my addiction and previous choices offered.
For 30 days I have won the battle against my drug addiction. For 30 days I have woken up every morning clean and remembering what I did the day and night before. For 30 days I have faced life's challenges the way they should be faced. Head on and clean. Unfortunately I have not faced them all successfully to the best of my ability but I have not ran from the challenges. I have not hid from them and used. I have faced some challenges and failed to make the proper decision and do my best but I do know that by remaining clean I can make better and wiser decisions next time. I do know that being clean I have no idea what my best is but it will be exciting finding out how much better I can be. Being 30 days clean I have strength. I feel most mornings that I can lift anything again. I have most of my physical strength back that I robbed myself of while using. I have my desire and ability and joy of working again. I am no longer dreading to go to work. I now look forward to work.
Being 30 days clean I see the beauty of my girlfriend. I see an amazing woman that I would love to spend my life with. Being 30 days clean I see the joy and blessings of her 2 wonderful girls. Playing with them and helping them and just seeing them smile and laugh. Being 30 days clean I look forward to coming home from work top spend time with them and with my girlfriend. Being able to look each and everyone of them in the eyes and not have to hide for fear they will know I was using. I can look them in the eyes and smile knowing full well that I am clean and that I am liking myself and my life so much better now. Being able to make plans with them all to go out as a family.
Being clean for 30 days has made me feel again. Made me feel love, joy, happiness and gain more and more self confidence. It has also made me feel the hurt and pain I have caused my girlfriend and her 2 daughters. It has brought back the memories of my previous actions and the shame that comes along with it. The terror of knowing I was the person that did those to them, that disappeared, that made promises and didn't keep them, that broke their hearts and didn't think twice about doing it, that stole from them and lied endlessly. I was the person that choose everyone else over them and then blamed them when confronted. I hate these feelings and thoughts and memories. I would wish for them to go away but that would only be done by using again. I need these memories and feelings and thoughts to better myself and to make sure I don't do that stuff again. I need the memories and feelings so I can know how they felt when I was doing that stuff to them and I can learn from these memories and feelings. I can learn that I never, ever want to cause anyone that much suffering again. I can learn how to treat them right. I can learn from those memories and thoughts and feelings to show love to them.
The only way I can show love to them is to love myself. So while I have these thoughts, memories and feelings I can not and will not let them bring me down or back to past ways. Those past ways are was caused the pain and the hatred for myself is what I felt gave me justification to do those things. I know now there never will be any justification for those actions but there is actions that can be done to heal those wounds. Those are the actions that I will put into practice, one's that heal wounds not cause wounds. One's that show love to myself and to others. One's that show my addictions no longer control my life. I control my life. Being 30 days clean I see my life getting a whole lot better. Better than it ever has been before. I WILL remain clean cause I deserve a better life than what my addiction and previous choices offered.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: port moody
Posts: 10
The price of addictions.
To anyone reading this please think about what it says before you decide to relapse and succumb to your addiction.
For my whole life I have been addicted to something. Growing up it was sports. Playing football and hockey was all I cared about. As I grew older I started getting more addictions. Lying, deceiving, manipulating people, cheating. Doing anything dangerous or sneaky was all that I cared about. The thrill of getting away with it or the attention from doing something dangerous was what I sought. In my mid teens and early twenties I added alcohol to the mix. Being drunk every night was my goal. By 23 I had been a full fledge alcoholic for 8 years. Combine that with the continuation of lying, deceit and manipulation of people, it was a wonder that I didn't end up beaten up or dead.
At the age of 23 I decided to stop drinking. I got married and had a son. Now I had to be responsible so I replaced my drinking with work. Over the next 9 years I spent more time at work than I did with my growing family. I would occasionally drink but not very often so I thought I had no addictions. What I failed to realize was that I was still lying, deceiving and using people for my own gain. I was making good money but could not seem to pay my bills or save any money cause once again I added a new addiction to my life. Gambling. I was married at the time and we would go out and instead of dinner and a movie it would be go to the casino. This caused financial hardships and atress that was not needed. Instead of being a man and stepping up and taking control of the situation, I coward away and continued on throwing everything away financially to gambling. This in turn led to more lies and deceit and using of people to avoid taking responsibility for not having the money to pay all the bills. This also led to stealing in order to have money for food and to pay some of the bills.
When my marriage ended so did the gambling. But the lies, deceit, stealing and using of people didn't. And once again another addiction found me and this one I used everything and everyone to get as much of it as possible. Cocaine, crack and oxy's soon were my my life. To support myself I did work but used my father or a girl that cared about me for shelter and food. I would steal from them as well and steal from others including my own son's. I would use the child support money to buy drugs. I would use my father's love and the girl's desire to be with me for my own gain. Not caring what I did to them or how I treated them.
Almost 2 years ago I moved. I found a girl that loved me when we were growing up together and she loved me still. You would think I would of learned from everything else that it was time to stop. I had the most amazing girl and she loved me so much. It was a pure and heartfelt love for me that she had. I loved her and cared for her deeply but I loved my drugs and my other addictions more.
I used her love against her to keep me around. I made promises after promises to her that I never kept. I used my ex fiancee for money, i used my landlord for a free place to stay and for attention. I would steal from my girlfriend, from her then 7 year old daughter. I would spend my child support money on drugs cause I was using my ex fiancee for money and she would pay my support for me. I would lie to my girlfriend, the one that loved me so much, straight to her face and break her heart every time. I knew what I was doing but instead of once again becoming a man and taking ownership of my life and my choices and making the proper ones, I chose drugs and everyone and everything else above her.
March of this year I decided it was time to get clean. I really wanted to get clean so I went into detox and then a treatment center. A treatment center that my girlfriend paid for. While in the treatment center I failed to take it serious and deal with all my addictions. I was once again lying, deceiving and using people. 7 days after getting out of the treatment center I relapsed. Instead of telling anyone I lied about it to everyone.
Since that time I have relapsed 2 more times and lied about them. I took a 6 month pin at a N.A. meeting. I had been clean for about 2 months when I took the pin. My lying continued to my girlfriend cause I did not tell her about the affair I had in the transition house after I got out of treatment. When I did finally come totally clean about it after drip feeding her information a bit at a time, massive damage had been done. Yet instead of this waking me up and getting my ass in gear to take my recovery honestly I would continue to lie, omit deceive and steal from her. I would tell her things were so different now cause I'm not doing that stuff anymore. I was lying to her and lying to myself about my recovery.
I had my last relapse at the beginning of october. I spent 1000 dollars in one night on myself and a couple of my using associates. In the nearly 2 years that I have been with my girlfriend I haven't spent 1000 dollars on her or her girl's or even my boys total. And yet I was willing to spend that on myself and my using associates. I have been clean for 32 days now and am spending my money wiser and on the proper things now. I have omitted things from my girlfriend as has been noted on previous entries.
So before anyone that reads this decides to go and use take a look at what I have lost due to all my addictions. I have lost my children. my father and the worst thing ever to happen I have lost her. My girlfriend. The one that 2 years ago loved me more than anything else in the world besides her children. The one that stood beside and still loved me while I used her and others and stole from her and her children. While I broke her heart daily and yet she kept on loving me. I lost her cause I am still thinking like an addict. I am still twisting reality like an addict does. Still saying next paycheque, next week or next time will be different. I am taking my recovery seriously now but it is too little too late. I love her so much and I know she loves me but I destroyed her, destroyed her trust and destroyed her love to the point that she wants me gone. So please if the thought of using enters your mind, keep my story in mind and ask yourself what are you willing to lose. Is giving in to your addiction, whatever it may be, really worth it. I lost the love of my life and the only woman that was willing to give me everything she ever could to make me happy. I lost the only woman and her 2 wonderful children, the perfect family cause I choose my addictions over them. Yes I may never do any of my addictions again but it is too late.
I will not give up on my girlfriend, I truly love her and truly want to be with her but I am afraid that she has given up on me. Not by choice but out of her pure need to survive and to feel human. I destroyed her. My addiction didn't do it to her. I did. I made the choices and I'm the one that carried out the action's. I am an addict and always will be one. Please make the right choice and stop addictions before they cause you to lose something that can never be replaced. The love, pure and complete love of someone else.
To anyone reading this please think about what it says before you decide to relapse and succumb to your addiction.
For my whole life I have been addicted to something. Growing up it was sports. Playing football and hockey was all I cared about. As I grew older I started getting more addictions. Lying, deceiving, manipulating people, cheating. Doing anything dangerous or sneaky was all that I cared about. The thrill of getting away with it or the attention from doing something dangerous was what I sought. In my mid teens and early twenties I added alcohol to the mix. Being drunk every night was my goal. By 23 I had been a full fledge alcoholic for 8 years. Combine that with the continuation of lying, deceit and manipulation of people, it was a wonder that I didn't end up beaten up or dead.
At the age of 23 I decided to stop drinking. I got married and had a son. Now I had to be responsible so I replaced my drinking with work. Over the next 9 years I spent more time at work than I did with my growing family. I would occasionally drink but not very often so I thought I had no addictions. What I failed to realize was that I was still lying, deceiving and using people for my own gain. I was making good money but could not seem to pay my bills or save any money cause once again I added a new addiction to my life. Gambling. I was married at the time and we would go out and instead of dinner and a movie it would be go to the casino. This caused financial hardships and atress that was not needed. Instead of being a man and stepping up and taking control of the situation, I coward away and continued on throwing everything away financially to gambling. This in turn led to more lies and deceit and using of people to avoid taking responsibility for not having the money to pay all the bills. This also led to stealing in order to have money for food and to pay some of the bills.
When my marriage ended so did the gambling. But the lies, deceit, stealing and using of people didn't. And once again another addiction found me and this one I used everything and everyone to get as much of it as possible. Cocaine, crack and oxy's soon were my my life. To support myself I did work but used my father or a girl that cared about me for shelter and food. I would steal from them as well and steal from others including my own son's. I would use the child support money to buy drugs. I would use my father's love and the girl's desire to be with me for my own gain. Not caring what I did to them or how I treated them.
Almost 2 years ago I moved. I found a girl that loved me when we were growing up together and she loved me still. You would think I would of learned from everything else that it was time to stop. I had the most amazing girl and she loved me so much. It was a pure and heartfelt love for me that she had. I loved her and cared for her deeply but I loved my drugs and my other addictions more.
I used her love against her to keep me around. I made promises after promises to her that I never kept. I used my ex fiancee for money, i used my landlord for a free place to stay and for attention. I would steal from my girlfriend, from her then 7 year old daughter. I would spend my child support money on drugs cause I was using my ex fiancee for money and she would pay my support for me. I would lie to my girlfriend, the one that loved me so much, straight to her face and break her heart every time. I knew what I was doing but instead of once again becoming a man and taking ownership of my life and my choices and making the proper ones, I chose drugs and everyone and everything else above her.
March of this year I decided it was time to get clean. I really wanted to get clean so I went into detox and then a treatment center. A treatment center that my girlfriend paid for. While in the treatment center I failed to take it serious and deal with all my addictions. I was once again lying, deceiving and using people. 7 days after getting out of the treatment center I relapsed. Instead of telling anyone I lied about it to everyone.
Since that time I have relapsed 2 more times and lied about them. I took a 6 month pin at a N.A. meeting. I had been clean for about 2 months when I took the pin. My lying continued to my girlfriend cause I did not tell her about the affair I had in the transition house after I got out of treatment. When I did finally come totally clean about it after drip feeding her information a bit at a time, massive damage had been done. Yet instead of this waking me up and getting my ass in gear to take my recovery honestly I would continue to lie, omit deceive and steal from her. I would tell her things were so different now cause I'm not doing that stuff anymore. I was lying to her and lying to myself about my recovery.
I had my last relapse at the beginning of october. I spent 1000 dollars in one night on myself and a couple of my using associates. In the nearly 2 years that I have been with my girlfriend I haven't spent 1000 dollars on her or her girl's or even my boys total. And yet I was willing to spend that on myself and my using associates. I have been clean for 32 days now and am spending my money wiser and on the proper things now. I have omitted things from my girlfriend as has been noted on previous entries.
So before anyone that reads this decides to go and use take a look at what I have lost due to all my addictions. I have lost my children. my father and the worst thing ever to happen I have lost her. My girlfriend. The one that 2 years ago loved me more than anything else in the world besides her children. The one that stood beside and still loved me while I used her and others and stole from her and her children. While I broke her heart daily and yet she kept on loving me. I lost her cause I am still thinking like an addict. I am still twisting reality like an addict does. Still saying next paycheque, next week or next time will be different. I am taking my recovery seriously now but it is too little too late. I love her so much and I know she loves me but I destroyed her, destroyed her trust and destroyed her love to the point that she wants me gone. So please if the thought of using enters your mind, keep my story in mind and ask yourself what are you willing to lose. Is giving in to your addiction, whatever it may be, really worth it. I lost the love of my life and the only woman that was willing to give me everything she ever could to make me happy. I lost the only woman and her 2 wonderful children, the perfect family cause I choose my addictions over them. Yes I may never do any of my addictions again but it is too late.
I will not give up on my girlfriend, I truly love her and truly want to be with her but I am afraid that she has given up on me. Not by choice but out of her pure need to survive and to feel human. I destroyed her. My addiction didn't do it to her. I did. I made the choices and I'm the one that carried out the action's. I am an addict and always will be one. Please make the right choice and stop addictions before they cause you to lose something that can never be replaced. The love, pure and complete love of someone else.
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