Shame
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Shame
I know it is pointless to look back at the mess I made of my life while drinking, but I feel ashamed of myself. Shame and guilt rule these days. I am also an adult child of an alcoholic raised in a chaotic environment that was shame-based. Just continuing on with the pattern. It's amazing how much you can rail against your family of origin, yet end up very similar to them in the end. The only difference I have going now is that I am trying to do something about it. My father died at age 45 from alcohol never having tried to help himself.
You can change the tide, ArtFriend, and I absolutely believe you will.
Use the shame as an impetus for change, if you must, but then GET RID OF IT; it serves no future purpose and may even be detrimental to recovery.
Move forward, my friend.
Use the shame as an impetus for change, if you must, but then GET RID OF IT; it serves no future purpose and may even be detrimental to recovery.
Move forward, my friend.
Artfriend, I came from a similar childhood. My father became a raging drunk. Chaos ruled. Dysfunctional defined my childhood. I swore I would never become him but, here I am. A few years back I found a book call "Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families ". If you haven't read I you should. It explained a lot about who I am and why I am.
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I think I have heard a 100 or so alcoholics in meetings say
"I swore I was never going to be like my Dad"
Unfortunately it seems to be like male pattern baldness.
If you got the gene, you get the hair loss.
Sometimes you see a father and 3 sons... Dad is bald, two of the boys have a full head of hair, and the third is going bald just like his dad.
Alcoholism seems to be a genetic predisposition.... It's a bomb waiting to go off. First time you get drunk, the fuse is lit.
"I swore I was never going to be like my Dad"
Unfortunately it seems to be like male pattern baldness.
If you got the gene, you get the hair loss.
Sometimes you see a father and 3 sons... Dad is bald, two of the boys have a full head of hair, and the third is going bald just like his dad.
Alcoholism seems to be a genetic predisposition.... It's a bomb waiting to go off. First time you get drunk, the fuse is lit.
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Thanks jsm273... I read Melody Beattie's book Adult Children of Alcoholics when it first came out in the 1980s. Probably need to read it again. She was the guru in this field. It's like a double whammy isn't it? You are predisposed to alcohol genetically and then your environment kicks in. I have heard it explained like this:
Genetics loads the gun and the environment pulls the trigger.
Genetics loads the gun and the environment pulls the trigger.
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I wouldn't hang too much credence on that "Look at my family" stuff from the 80's.
Alcoholics come from perfectly functional families too.
Very privileged up bringing, finest schools, no violence, no nothing.
If you look at your family too much and too long, you'll never get around to looking at you.... Which is the true source of your problem.
Alcoholics come from perfectly functional families too.
Very privileged up bringing, finest schools, no violence, no nothing.
If you look at your family too much and too long, you'll never get around to looking at you.... Which is the true source of your problem.
My counselor told me some months ago that I was wearing the shame like a badge...she suggested a book called "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook" by Edmond Bourne & that I should look at the section on Mistaken Beliefs.....very good book with a lot of helpful suggestions/exercises to help change my thinking. $20.00 on Amazon
AF - Good for you in recognizing the behaviors.
What is your plan to change you, today?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but for me I found that self pity is simply pride in reverse. We need to go forward. If you think counseling would help, go get it. If you need face to face support (me) find it!
A car has a rearview mirror, but we don't look at it driving down the street!
I have learned from others that if I regret yesterday(which is in the books) and I fear tomorrow ( may never happen ) I lose Today!!
Today is all we are given and it's precious. I too have regrets but have learned to take Action in dealing with them and my disease.
Take Action, Today!!!
peace
What is your plan to change you, today?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but for me I found that self pity is simply pride in reverse. We need to go forward. If you think counseling would help, go get it. If you need face to face support (me) find it!
A car has a rearview mirror, but we don't look at it driving down the street!
I have learned from others that if I regret yesterday(which is in the books) and I fear tomorrow ( may never happen ) I lose Today!!
Today is all we are given and it's precious. I too have regrets but have learned to take Action in dealing with them and my disease.
Take Action, Today!!!
peace
Honey, I'm the poster queen for shame. IT doesn't work. The quicker you put it behind you the better. sure, some will remember and they will be cruel and 'remind' you...in case you forgot (not likely)...but..... eventually you come thru and don't give a darn about them or your past. YOU live for your future. There were days, if I could've I'd have left the country...so I understand. BUT stay strong..DON"T worry about anyone but YOU and YOURS. When family and close people to you ask questions, you answer them honestly. I mean honestly. TELL them, i've a problem and Im getting on fixing that problem now. Then do it.
I have learned from others that if I regret yesterday(which is in the books) and I fear tomorrow ( may never happen ) I lose Today!!
So many good responses for you Artfriend .. and yes they are all helping me as well
Also love the above from Flynbuy.
Thinking of you ArtFriend ... you are sooo not alone x
So many good responses for you Artfriend .. and yes they are all helping me as well
Also love the above from Flynbuy.
Thinking of you ArtFriend ... you are sooo not alone x
My only goal growing up was to be 'not like my mother', who was an alcoholic. Well, that didn't work so well. I realized that as I was trying to be 'not her', I had no idea where I did want to be. I had nothing I was working towards because all my energy was spent on anger and frustration towards my family.
I wore my shame like a badge too and it became my identity in early recovery. But, I knew my recovery wouldn't last if I didn't let go of the guilt and shame. As Eckhart Tolle points out, holding onto the guilt and shame, is an Ego issue.
Melody Beattie's books are all amazing!
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My only goal growing up was to be 'not like my mother', who was an alcoholic. Well, that didn't work so well. I realized that as I was trying to be 'not her', I had no idea where I did want to be. I had nothing I was working towards because all my energy was spent on anger and frustration towards my family.
I think the shame and guilt masks a deeper feeling of hurt and insecurity. Peel off those "badges" and the bleeding starts big time.
The biggest thing I took from the ACOA handbook was, if you've become an alcoholic get help and stop. It rung a chord when I first read it but, wasn't ready to admit to my alcoholism. I am now. Hopefully we can now figure out who we are and, what we want out of our life.
I can relate to that story, my dad also died of alcoholism and never once admitted he had a problem or alcohol caused the divorce of my parents, he continued on, and then when I became an adult, I continued down the same path.
For me I needed to make peace with the fact that was how my dad was and that there is no inevitability in our path, we get to choose and write a new chapter to our lives.
We can only change the future, not the past, but we can make better decisions and create the life we want from here onwards!!
For me I needed to make peace with the fact that was how my dad was and that there is no inevitability in our path, we get to choose and write a new chapter to our lives.
We can only change the future, not the past, but we can make better decisions and create the life we want from here onwards!!
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