sponcership
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 87
sponcership
Hi Guys,I am having a low week. My husband lost his job ( through his own fault)and my work lost a big account and will be laying off people soon. Then I went to a meeting tonight and we talked about sponcership. My sponcer was there. I do not think she has time for me. WE never talk. At the meeting I said I am new to this as I really do not know what I am suppose to be doing. Im sober 8 months and would like to do the steps. I have said this to my sponcer when we bump into eachother, and she says she is working on us doing step 4, ill call you and doesnt. Is it my place to chase her down? Am I suppose to be doing assignments? I feel like I am being Ignored. This is a big soar spot with me because that is what my married life is all about. being ignored. I said at this meeting that i have a really hard time asking for help and hate bothering people, looking right at her. I hung around to talk to her after but she was into something else so I finally left. Maybe Ill just try to do these steps on my own. I ordered a book someone recomended from alanon. I just am feeling very alone in this. This may not sound nice but the only time i hear from my children is if they need something. I ate dinner alone while my husband watched a ball game either so...I am sorry guys I am having a real pitty party tonight.
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Don't worry, Lin. We're here for you to post about your pity party. It's much better to get it out of your head. If everything you are saying is true, your sponsor sounds like kind of a putz. If she's not working with you, ask someone else!! It's okay. A lot of people try a few different sponsors before they find someone they "click" with. Eight months is a great acheivement. Be proud of yourself. Come back and post anytime you need to.
My prayers are with you....
My prayers are with you....
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
No, no, no Lin, IMO that's not how it goes.
My sponsor has alway's from day one given me homework. I'd ask her out for coffee, and discuss how you feel. If she doesn't have the time, then by all means, seek someone else out. You shouldn't be made to feel intrusive when working with your sponsor. You should feel like your with a close friend you can confide in, trust, and share with, yet still be able and willing to follow her suggestions.
Sounds like maybe there is someone else out there for you. But DO talk to her first.
My sponsor has alway's from day one given me homework. I'd ask her out for coffee, and discuss how you feel. If she doesn't have the time, then by all means, seek someone else out. You shouldn't be made to feel intrusive when working with your sponsor. You should feel like your with a close friend you can confide in, trust, and share with, yet still be able and willing to follow her suggestions.
Sounds like maybe there is someone else out there for you. But DO talk to her first.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: London, England
Posts: 70
Lin Hi ...It's Joe here ..remember me! ..I was here for a while ..a ..while ago..I had a lot of trouble when I first looked for sponcership and in many ways I wish I hadn't. When I feel like you have described, when I feel ignored!(something which drives Me nuts) and taken for granted ..which is a permanent situation for Me then I just have to go to serenity "Lord grant Me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can ..and the wisdom to know the difference!
I can't do this on My own ...I can't do the steps on My own ...and I musn't try again to control the world around Me....I Am powerless ...and My life is unmanageable! ..these simple answers are so hard to accept but so easy to live ..I must go back to them ...and learn them again!
Thanks lin
joe
I can't do this on My own ...I can't do the steps on My own ...and I musn't try again to control the world around Me....I Am powerless ...and My life is unmanageable! ..these simple answers are so hard to accept but so easy to live ..I must go back to them ...and learn them again!
Thanks lin
joe
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Lin
I'm sorry to hear your feeling down. I know the feeling you talk about well. Feeling alone is no ball game. Sorry...just trying to bring a smile to your face. Seriously, I had the same thing happen to me with a sponsor. I asked a certain woman to sponsor me. It was a great relief to get that out of the way and feel as if I was taking the correct steps in working the program. I too didn't know how to handle the situation. Do I call? Do I wait for her to call? We would see each other at meetings and neither one of us said anything in reference to her sponsoring me. It was etremely awkward. I slipped soon after that. My advice to you is, find another sponsor, pronto. There will be somone else willing to spend the time, to walk you through the steps. I'm going to begin step 8 tomorrow after 22 days sobor. I believe working the steps is key to remaining sobor. I'm very thankful my sponsor is willing to take the time, walking me through the 12 steps, to help me remain sobor. Good luck. Oh and I saw my so called first sponsor last thursday at a meeting, not a question asked from her, pertaining to her being "honored" to sponsor me. I understand my responsibility in the situation, but feel as if I needed to follow her lead. I will remember this down the road when I'm walking a newbie through the steps. I won't commit to sponsoring unless I'm willing to contribute the time. Again, I encourage you to find another sponsor, regardless of whether you discuss it with sponsor #1 first.
Congrats on your sober days. Great job!!!
Take care,
Talia
I'm sorry to hear your feeling down. I know the feeling you talk about well. Feeling alone is no ball game. Sorry...just trying to bring a smile to your face. Seriously, I had the same thing happen to me with a sponsor. I asked a certain woman to sponsor me. It was a great relief to get that out of the way and feel as if I was taking the correct steps in working the program. I too didn't know how to handle the situation. Do I call? Do I wait for her to call? We would see each other at meetings and neither one of us said anything in reference to her sponsoring me. It was etremely awkward. I slipped soon after that. My advice to you is, find another sponsor, pronto. There will be somone else willing to spend the time, to walk you through the steps. I'm going to begin step 8 tomorrow after 22 days sobor. I believe working the steps is key to remaining sobor. I'm very thankful my sponsor is willing to take the time, walking me through the 12 steps, to help me remain sobor. Good luck. Oh and I saw my so called first sponsor last thursday at a meeting, not a question asked from her, pertaining to her being "honored" to sponsor me. I understand my responsibility in the situation, but feel as if I needed to follow her lead. I will remember this down the road when I'm walking a newbie through the steps. I won't commit to sponsoring unless I'm willing to contribute the time. Again, I encourage you to find another sponsor, regardless of whether you discuss it with sponsor #1 first.
Congrats on your sober days. Great job!!!
Take care,
Talia
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 87
thank you LU, Chy Joe ( yes i remember you good to hear from you again) and Talia.
I think you are right. Ill start looking around for a new sponcer. I didnt know if this was a test of some sort by her to prove I am sincere or something. You know to see how much I called her or something.I cant handle head games. Just tell me.. I feel I just need some direction in doing these steps so I am alittle happier with my sobriety. I thought I said this all to her. When I here others rave about how wonderful their sponcer is I am feeling a little neglected. If thats not sounding to silly. Staying sober is very important to me. THEn i hera in my head * well you never call her its your fault*. I am so tired of having to figure everything out. I am delighted to have a HP handle things. My thing is I do not know when to draw the line of accepting what I cant change. I do not have the wisdom to know the difference.
I guess she is making me feel not important enough to bother with. Its the story of my life in a way.
Thanks as always for listening /Knew I could count on all of you.
Love,
Lin
I think you are right. Ill start looking around for a new sponcer. I didnt know if this was a test of some sort by her to prove I am sincere or something. You know to see how much I called her or something.I cant handle head games. Just tell me.. I feel I just need some direction in doing these steps so I am alittle happier with my sobriety. I thought I said this all to her. When I here others rave about how wonderful their sponcer is I am feeling a little neglected. If thats not sounding to silly. Staying sober is very important to me. THEn i hera in my head * well you never call her its your fault*. I am so tired of having to figure everything out. I am delighted to have a HP handle things. My thing is I do not know when to draw the line of accepting what I cant change. I do not have the wisdom to know the difference.
I guess she is making me feel not important enough to bother with. Its the story of my life in a way.
Thanks as always for listening /Knew I could count on all of you.
Love,
Lin
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Charlottesville, Va
Posts: 632
Hey Lin! I don't think the steps should be done by oneself. It is highly not recommended. If you don't have the best sponsor in the world, then you need to find that one. I have the best sponsor in the world, and one of the thing we don't agree on is that he feels he has the best sponsor in the world.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 19
Hey Lin,
It sounds like you have the Female version of my "Putz" sponsor. he told me to call him everyday and I would only to get voicemail and no return call. I asked about working the steps and he seemed to have an excuse all the time. Other sponsees, had him wrapped up, vacation, busy, work, blah blah blah. I finally asked him how this whole thing works ... sponser/sponsee relationship so I had a clear picture. Give me the rules and I can follow them. He tells me again to call him and we work the steps together and than infroms me that I am not ready to work the steps until basically he says so and certainly not before 90 days clean. Ummmmmmmmm ... YEAH???
Well, I didn't really know any better so I gave those rules a shot. I called and again got voice mail with no return call. I than would call and ask him to return my call and still no return call. I would get him on the phone on occassion and always felt like I was being blown off. My girlfriend as well as others told me to dump the dude but I kept thinking that was an excuse because I must be the one doing something wrong. This guy has all this all this clean time right??? And who am I to judge him when I am just entering the program. To make a long story short ... I called him three times in four days telling him I needed to talk to him and he never called back. I ended up picking up and using and it took me awhile before I got back into the program the right way.
I am not blaming him rather than my own stupid self for allowing that dumbass to play with my head. I talked to other people in the program when this **** first started and almost all of them told me to find another sponsor. I drug my feet on it because that meant humbling myself in front of another man and instead ... I ended up humbling myself in front of entire rooms everytime I came back from a run.
Anyway ... he is no longer my sponsor and I am feeling a bit better about that. LOL So I am sure you don't need to guess where I stand on this issue.
Good Luck!!!
Albert R.
It sounds like you have the Female version of my "Putz" sponsor. he told me to call him everyday and I would only to get voicemail and no return call. I asked about working the steps and he seemed to have an excuse all the time. Other sponsees, had him wrapped up, vacation, busy, work, blah blah blah. I finally asked him how this whole thing works ... sponser/sponsee relationship so I had a clear picture. Give me the rules and I can follow them. He tells me again to call him and we work the steps together and than infroms me that I am not ready to work the steps until basically he says so and certainly not before 90 days clean. Ummmmmmmmm ... YEAH???
Well, I didn't really know any better so I gave those rules a shot. I called and again got voice mail with no return call. I than would call and ask him to return my call and still no return call. I would get him on the phone on occassion and always felt like I was being blown off. My girlfriend as well as others told me to dump the dude but I kept thinking that was an excuse because I must be the one doing something wrong. This guy has all this all this clean time right??? And who am I to judge him when I am just entering the program. To make a long story short ... I called him three times in four days telling him I needed to talk to him and he never called back. I ended up picking up and using and it took me awhile before I got back into the program the right way.
I am not blaming him rather than my own stupid self for allowing that dumbass to play with my head. I talked to other people in the program when this **** first started and almost all of them told me to find another sponsor. I drug my feet on it because that meant humbling myself in front of another man and instead ... I ended up humbling myself in front of entire rooms everytime I came back from a run.
Anyway ... he is no longer my sponsor and I am feeling a bit better about that. LOL So I am sure you don't need to guess where I stand on this issue.
Good Luck!!!
Albert R.
Still hangin` on...
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
((((((((((((LIN)))))))))))))))
You most certainly need to find another sponsor. It sounds to me this women has no business being one. A sponsor is there to guide you in your recovery.
As for the steps--they are in an order for a reason! Why would you start at 4? I just recently started working on mine and it sure is an eye opener! I now realize that the 12 steps are essential for changing. That is what this is all about. Drugs are but just a symptom--for me anyways. Listen to the suggestions you receive here. This site is of great support!
Hang in there--ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
Ann
You most certainly need to find another sponsor. It sounds to me this women has no business being one. A sponsor is there to guide you in your recovery.
As for the steps--they are in an order for a reason! Why would you start at 4? I just recently started working on mine and it sure is an eye opener! I now realize that the 12 steps are essential for changing. That is what this is all about. Drugs are but just a symptom--for me anyways. Listen to the suggestions you receive here. This site is of great support!
Hang in there--ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
Ann
New and Unsure
Join Date: May 2004
Location: phoenix az
Posts: 191
Lin - - I have to agree with everyone here. My sponsor has given me homework since day one. The days I asked her to be my sponsor she told me to do 90 meeting in 90 days and to journal everyone of those days. Plus you need to feel loved and accepted by your sponsor. There are very great sponsor in the fellowships around the world and you will find that perfect sponsor for you.
As for step work it is dosnt in an order for a reason. i dont know why you would start at step 4. But these are ment to be work with you sponsor. So you might want to put your time into finding a new and then working the steps.
I love you Lin and look forward to posting with you soon.
((((HUGS)))))
As for step work it is dosnt in an order for a reason. i dont know why you would start at step 4. But these are ment to be work with you sponsor. So you might want to put your time into finding a new and then working the steps.
I love you Lin and look forward to posting with you soon.
((((HUGS)))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 87
thank you all,
((((Oh Albert, ))))) When I read that you Used,I sat here and said out loud " OH NO!!!!" In a way he was responsible. You were reaching out and he was not there for you. AT least you came back though. I hope you find someone who doesn't take your life lightly this time.
Ann and Jennifer I guess I chose here because whenever she speaks at meetings she has great stuff to say. I really related to her personality. I know one thing if I am ever honered DOwn the road of course to be a sponcer for someone Ill be all over it. I am not starting at step 4, I guess I feel I've sone the first 3 steps. I admitted I am powerless and beleive in my Hp so where does that take me. See I dont know. I am going to talk to her. See am not a pushy person and I know she sponcers a friend of mine that just went out again so I figured she is all busy with her. When I see her she gives me a big hugs ask how I am I say good and thats It. Its not enough. I know drinking is only a symtom and I need to get busy fixing me.
OH well Ill keep you all posted. Thank God for this site and all of you. Its the best.
Love
Lin
((((Oh Albert, ))))) When I read that you Used,I sat here and said out loud " OH NO!!!!" In a way he was responsible. You were reaching out and he was not there for you. AT least you came back though. I hope you find someone who doesn't take your life lightly this time.
Ann and Jennifer I guess I chose here because whenever she speaks at meetings she has great stuff to say. I really related to her personality. I know one thing if I am ever honered DOwn the road of course to be a sponcer for someone Ill be all over it. I am not starting at step 4, I guess I feel I've sone the first 3 steps. I admitted I am powerless and beleive in my Hp so where does that take me. See I dont know. I am going to talk to her. See am not a pushy person and I know she sponcers a friend of mine that just went out again so I figured she is all busy with her. When I see her she gives me a big hugs ask how I am I say good and thats It. Its not enough. I know drinking is only a symtom and I need to get busy fixing me.
OH well Ill keep you all posted. Thank God for this site and all of you. Its the best. Love
Lin
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
Theraputic value of one addict helping another !!! Sponsorship is very important and if it doesn't work, its time to move on. I just moved on from one sponsor because I never saw him at meetings and not sure if hes got a sponsor, so I moved on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 19
Hey Lin and Everyone,
Guess what??? Not trying to steal this thread but it just so happens I posted about my experience with my EX-sponsor here. And tonight ... I found a new sponsor. Actually a guy I asked several weeks back but he could not take me on because he had his limit of sponsees already. He works a very strict program and told me at that time that he would not want to spread himself thin and take on too many sponsees. He feels that would not be fair to them or himself ... so he had to decline. Well I bumped into him again tonight at the coffee shop and we started talking. He joked with me that it sounded like I am doing step work by myself being he knew what happened with my original sponsor. He told me that things didn't work out with one of his sponsees and if I was still interested he would be honored to be my sponsor. I of course was thrilled to hear this being this is the guy I asked to begin with.
So as of tonight ... I have a new sponsor.
Albert R.
Guess what??? Not trying to steal this thread but it just so happens I posted about my experience with my EX-sponsor here. And tonight ... I found a new sponsor. Actually a guy I asked several weeks back but he could not take me on because he had his limit of sponsees already. He works a very strict program and told me at that time that he would not want to spread himself thin and take on too many sponsees. He feels that would not be fair to them or himself ... so he had to decline. Well I bumped into him again tonight at the coffee shop and we started talking. He joked with me that it sounded like I am doing step work by myself being he knew what happened with my original sponsor. He told me that things didn't work out with one of his sponsees and if I was still interested he would be honored to be my sponsor. I of course was thrilled to hear this being this is the guy I asked to begin with.
So as of tonight ... I have a new sponsor.
Albert R.
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