Balancing Life in Early Sobriety
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Balancing Life in Early Sobriety
I'm 7.5 months sober after 2.5 years of bouncing. I achieved it by putting AA #1 in my life, every day, without fail. I'm overjoyed!
Not out of the woods yet. I'm still (any always will be) eligible for a lower bottom if I pick up a drink.
This is my situation and question:
On Sunday, 10/12/14, I'm traveling to Long Island, NY for a non-negotiable work obligation that will keep me away from my normal routine. The trip lasts for 2 weeks. I've found meetings in Long Island that will fit my busy work schedule (9am - 1 am, every day, including weekends) while I'm away. I've travelled in sobriety before and know the routine that works to bring me back home sober.
Still, I feel so unsettled and anxious about getting out of the routine I maintain at home. This alone, I could manage. However, my lovely GF of 7 years, always insists on packing in as many pre-trip activities as possible in the 1-2 days leading up to a work trip. For instance, this Saturday, she wants to get breakfast, drive 2 hours away for a 4 hour hike, and attend a B-Day party. Left to my own devices, I spend those days mentally preparing and relaxing, and fortifying my recovery by attending LOTS of meetings. However, I feel obligated to oblige her, despite the fact that these pre-trip activities make for ludicrously busy days leading up to my departure. I go along with her plans in part because I feel the need to compensate for the neglect she felt during my heaviest drinking days. I want to show her that I am someone she'd happily spend her life with (she wants that, and so do I, just not yet).
I find myself feeling resentful of her for filling my pre-trip schedule. I believe that I've explained my feelings to her, and while I believe she's sympathetic, she still insists on filling my schedule and insists that it's best for me to just get through it. I feel that it's best for me to put recovery and my mental health and headspace #1.
How do I handle these situations in sobriety? How do I feel less anxious? Please share your advice and experience. Thanks!
Not out of the woods yet. I'm still (any always will be) eligible for a lower bottom if I pick up a drink.
This is my situation and question:
On Sunday, 10/12/14, I'm traveling to Long Island, NY for a non-negotiable work obligation that will keep me away from my normal routine. The trip lasts for 2 weeks. I've found meetings in Long Island that will fit my busy work schedule (9am - 1 am, every day, including weekends) while I'm away. I've travelled in sobriety before and know the routine that works to bring me back home sober.
Still, I feel so unsettled and anxious about getting out of the routine I maintain at home. This alone, I could manage. However, my lovely GF of 7 years, always insists on packing in as many pre-trip activities as possible in the 1-2 days leading up to a work trip. For instance, this Saturday, she wants to get breakfast, drive 2 hours away for a 4 hour hike, and attend a B-Day party. Left to my own devices, I spend those days mentally preparing and relaxing, and fortifying my recovery by attending LOTS of meetings. However, I feel obligated to oblige her, despite the fact that these pre-trip activities make for ludicrously busy days leading up to my departure. I go along with her plans in part because I feel the need to compensate for the neglect she felt during my heaviest drinking days. I want to show her that I am someone she'd happily spend her life with (she wants that, and so do I, just not yet).
I find myself feeling resentful of her for filling my pre-trip schedule. I believe that I've explained my feelings to her, and while I believe she's sympathetic, she still insists on filling my schedule and insists that it's best for me to just get through it. I feel that it's best for me to put recovery and my mental health and headspace #1.
How do I handle these situations in sobriety? How do I feel less anxious? Please share your advice and experience. Thanks!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Well, I agree fully that balance is so important. For me, it's crucial. I don't use AA, but if my routine becomes unbalanced for a day or so, I notice it. I have learned to say 'No' and not feel guilty because it's necessary at times.
If you have explained yourself to your girlfriend and she does not hear you or understand that this is important to you, then you have a problem. It sounds to me like you are willing to compromise with her on those days, and maybe do some activities with her, but not to the extent she wants. I have no suggestion for you other than continuing to communicate with her.
If you have explained yourself to your girlfriend and she does not hear you or understand that this is important to you, then you have a problem. It sounds to me like you are willing to compromise with her on those days, and maybe do some activities with her, but not to the extent she wants. I have no suggestion for you other than continuing to communicate with her.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I agree with Anna. If your gf wants to build a life together, that dream requires a successful sobriety for you. Early sobriety requires routine (to some extent) and a deep commitment to the support network you've chosen (in this case - meetings).
There are other healthy activities which can also enhance your recovery - physical movement and exercise, time in nature, love, etc. - but these are enhancements. I think many of the folks on this site have attempted sobriety using JUST "healthy lifestyle" elements, and it hasn't been successful, because their primary attention wasn't on the sobriety itself.
I notice two things about your post. The first is that I wonder if your gf and you have differing definitions of "early sobriety." 7.5 months may seem like a firmly established sobriety to someone who isn't an alcoholic or addict. She may not understand how precarious this period is, or why you need so many meetings.
The second thing is that it doesn't feel like your weekend plans are being negotiated. It feels like you are agreeing reluctantly to follow her itinerary because you feel some guilt about your relationship behavior pre-sobriety.
No room for this, my friend!! You are the only person responsible and capable of navigating and establishing what your sobriety looks like. You are going to have to define some boundaries (which it seems like you are very good at in areas of your life other than relationship!).
She isn't hearing you, and only you (who are there, we aren't there) know if this is because your message is diluted by your guilt, if you are not being clear, or if she is refusing to hear for reasons of her own. If you're contemplating serious and committed relationship though, this is a big thing to fix.
Compromise is key. You could re-affirm that you need time to prepare for your trip (with recovery) and maybe choose the activity (of the many she is proposing) which most also fits your needs. Of those suggested, I'd say the hike sounds connective and offers exercise, etc. The birthday party is something she could attend alone to visit with friends.
So, hold your line. Keep your edges clear. Your sobriety depends on it, which means your life depends on it. No birthday party or brunch is as important as your life...and - with no disrespect - making your girlfriend happy is not your first priority. Yes, we all want to please the people we love, but not at our own expense. Never at the potential expense of our successful sobriety.
There are other healthy activities which can also enhance your recovery - physical movement and exercise, time in nature, love, etc. - but these are enhancements. I think many of the folks on this site have attempted sobriety using JUST "healthy lifestyle" elements, and it hasn't been successful, because their primary attention wasn't on the sobriety itself.
I notice two things about your post. The first is that I wonder if your gf and you have differing definitions of "early sobriety." 7.5 months may seem like a firmly established sobriety to someone who isn't an alcoholic or addict. She may not understand how precarious this period is, or why you need so many meetings.
The second thing is that it doesn't feel like your weekend plans are being negotiated. It feels like you are agreeing reluctantly to follow her itinerary because you feel some guilt about your relationship behavior pre-sobriety.
No room for this, my friend!! You are the only person responsible and capable of navigating and establishing what your sobriety looks like. You are going to have to define some boundaries (which it seems like you are very good at in areas of your life other than relationship!).
She isn't hearing you, and only you (who are there, we aren't there) know if this is because your message is diluted by your guilt, if you are not being clear, or if she is refusing to hear for reasons of her own. If you're contemplating serious and committed relationship though, this is a big thing to fix.
Compromise is key. You could re-affirm that you need time to prepare for your trip (with recovery) and maybe choose the activity (of the many she is proposing) which most also fits your needs. Of those suggested, I'd say the hike sounds connective and offers exercise, etc. The birthday party is something she could attend alone to visit with friends.
So, hold your line. Keep your edges clear. Your sobriety depends on it, which means your life depends on it. No birthday party or brunch is as important as your life...and - with no disrespect - making your girlfriend happy is not your first priority. Yes, we all want to please the people we love, but not at our own expense. Never at the potential expense of our successful sobriety.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
There is a researcher/author I am extremely fond of named Brene Brown. I heard her once say that when the decision is between guilt..and resentment.
Pick guilt everytime.
This is your sobriety we are talking about.
To thine own self be true.
You inner compass is telling you what you need to do for you.
I'd honour it.
I often used booze to help me ignore mine...to handle what I often couldn't or shouldn't.
Pick guilt everytime.
This is your sobriety we are talking about.
To thine own self be true.
You inner compass is telling you what you need to do for you.
I'd honour it.
I often used booze to help me ignore mine...to handle what I often couldn't or shouldn't.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by MrLofg0029 
I find myself feeling resentful of her for filling my pre-trip schedule. I believe that I've explained my feelings to her, and while I believe she's sympathetic, she still insists on filling my schedule and insists that it's best for me to just get through it. I feel that it's best for me to put recovery and my mental health and headspace #1.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by heartcore
I notice two things about your post.
Originally Posted by heartcore
She may not understand how precarious this period is, or why you need so many meetings.
Originally Posted by heartcore
It feels like you are agreeing reluctantly to follow her itinerary because you feel some guilt about your relationship behavior pre-sobriety.
Originally Posted by heartcore
No room for this, my friend!!
Compromise is key. You could re-affirm that you need time to prepare for your trip (with recovery) and maybe choose the activity (of the many she is proposing) which most also fits your needs.
So, hold your line. Keep your edges clear. Your sobriety depends on it, which means your life depends on it. Never at the potential expense of our successful sobriety.
Compromise is key. You could re-affirm that you need time to prepare for your trip (with recovery) and maybe choose the activity (of the many she is proposing) which most also fits your needs.
So, hold your line. Keep your edges clear. Your sobriety depends on it, which means your life depends on it. Never at the potential expense of our successful sobriety.
I was in a hospitalized for booze just 7.5 months ago. I went to AA for 2 years and never got sober. This might be the only shot I get!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
what comes up for me is that you might try using Gratitude in this situation. Here are a couple of ways you might use Gratitude;
1 - deeply look at the thing that is bothering you - your girlfriend scheduling these things which you perceive to be interfering with your preparation and possibly inhibiting your sobriety. Looked at through a lens of Gratitude - you might see that time spent with your Girlfriend could reinforce that you HAVE a girlfriend. One who cares about you and who wants to spend time with you to make up for the time you'll be alone and away from one another. You might choose to celebrate that by doing all or some of what she had planned and perhaps journal about how it made you feel to have her in your life and to spend time with her and charge up on your togetherness before you go. Looked at through a lens of Gratitude, you might find that being with her and doing those things could be just as nourishing to your sobriety as meetings and thinking about the upcoming challenge.
2 - If you feel you need to still have some of your own needs met and need to negotiate changes to what she has planned - you might try approaching it in Gratitude. Explain to her how grateful you are for her and her presence in your life and the time together with her. Share with her that she is part of your sobriety and how much that means to you. Remind her that in order to maintain that sobriety, there are things you must do and ask her if you can work together to honor those things while still doing some things together. A 2-hour drive could be a great opportunity to talk deeply about some things.... maybe you could use that drive to share with her about some of your fears or personal struggles in sobriety and what she could do to help while you're on the road. Maybe there's an AA meeting near the place she wants to hike - and if you go maybe she'd be willing to come to that AA meeting with you after the hike. Maybe you could skip the party an to to a meeting while she does the party.
3 - You could look through a lens of Gratitude and recognize that LIFE is not a predictable series of events and routines that will always make us comfortable. It is a series of changes and ebbs and flows and the unexpected will always come our way, often challenging our sobriety. We need to always be willing to learn new ways to stay in balance and be adaptable to life's shifts - even when we cannot rely on familiar routines. This could be a gift... an opportunity to practice some adaptability. Looked at that way, you might be grateful for it, rather than resentful.
These are just some ideas that arise for me when I read what you wrote. Take whatever may be useful for you, if anything seems to resonate.
1 - deeply look at the thing that is bothering you - your girlfriend scheduling these things which you perceive to be interfering with your preparation and possibly inhibiting your sobriety. Looked at through a lens of Gratitude - you might see that time spent with your Girlfriend could reinforce that you HAVE a girlfriend. One who cares about you and who wants to spend time with you to make up for the time you'll be alone and away from one another. You might choose to celebrate that by doing all or some of what she had planned and perhaps journal about how it made you feel to have her in your life and to spend time with her and charge up on your togetherness before you go. Looked at through a lens of Gratitude, you might find that being with her and doing those things could be just as nourishing to your sobriety as meetings and thinking about the upcoming challenge.
2 - If you feel you need to still have some of your own needs met and need to negotiate changes to what she has planned - you might try approaching it in Gratitude. Explain to her how grateful you are for her and her presence in your life and the time together with her. Share with her that she is part of your sobriety and how much that means to you. Remind her that in order to maintain that sobriety, there are things you must do and ask her if you can work together to honor those things while still doing some things together. A 2-hour drive could be a great opportunity to talk deeply about some things.... maybe you could use that drive to share with her about some of your fears or personal struggles in sobriety and what she could do to help while you're on the road. Maybe there's an AA meeting near the place she wants to hike - and if you go maybe she'd be willing to come to that AA meeting with you after the hike. Maybe you could skip the party an to to a meeting while she does the party.
3 - You could look through a lens of Gratitude and recognize that LIFE is not a predictable series of events and routines that will always make us comfortable. It is a series of changes and ebbs and flows and the unexpected will always come our way, often challenging our sobriety. We need to always be willing to learn new ways to stay in balance and be adaptable to life's shifts - even when we cannot rely on familiar routines. This could be a gift... an opportunity to practice some adaptability. Looked at that way, you might be grateful for it, rather than resentful.
These are just some ideas that arise for me when I read what you wrote. Take whatever may be useful for you, if anything seems to resonate.
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