Aellyce

What is the difference, really?

Well you will see how long, you feel, these cycles can be continued and where it will lead... It is indeed good that you don't disappear like many others after drinking again.

Whew, that's a little creepy pic of the Fuzz, but I am still attracted.

Raider

image.jpg

It really doesn't matter why that drink went down my throat, you are right.

ZeFuZZ said that first photo was not creepy and now she's embarassed ...

Raider

image.jpg

Whoops.....

CAPTAINZING2000

Are you on a lake?

Dee74

Some great advice here Raider.

You can do this - for realz - it's a leap of faith to totally commit to recovery - but you have a lot of that

you can do this

D

Raider

On an Inlet. Very shallow, low tide, it ends in a mud beach. We are about halfway down the inlet, so we still have a pebble beach.

Nuudawn

Pam..it looks beautiful where you are but how are you filling your time? I truly believe you really just need to add some new things to your recovery. As many others have said, what was working really isn't anymore. What new things can you add to your everyday that will support sobriety?

Fandy

I'm glad you have remove the stress of buying a house and that you like your current place, You will see what you want and buy it when you are ready.

OK, dressing Ms Fuzzz in Sherpa is a kind act, as she is probably cold. whatta face, does she lick? (my babies lick my nose to wake me up, at the ungodly hour of 4am when the kibble dish is empty.)

You don't enjoy drinking, it bothers you a great deal...you worry about it (like most of us). you won't moderate, can't moderate in the long run, you know how it winds up.

what is YOUR solution to stop the roller coaster? what works?

Aellyce

Ride the undertow

bigsombrero

I am glad you are here. You are right on the water with seals in your back yard. Maybe you can take a lesson from them? When they jump in the water, they have 2 options: sink or swim. You have lots of people here who can give you swimming lessons, but eventually you'll have to paddle on your own. Maybe it's time to let go of that old lifeline and start flexing your sober muscles. You've done it before and you can do it again!

Aellyce

Breaking the waves movie!

Raider

I don't KNOW. I'm a bit more limited than I used to be. Maybe I should set aside an hour each day to finish the ten addiction books I started but never finished. I know there is something missing. I am not exercising any will power, not even trying. Except since last night.

MythOfSisyphus

One or two drinks would just be torture to me! You're lucky you stopped there. While obviously we're gonna tell you not to drink, I will say that we all know it's not always easy. So don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.

Nuudawn

I spent years either wanting to quit drinking..or at least thinking I SHOULD quit drinking. Somewhere along the line some little locomotive within starting picking up some steam and some kind of shift occurred where instead of thinking I had to give something up...some inkling began that I had something instead to gain.

I actually desired sobriety.
Even now...I just want "the ovaries" to do life sober. It's hard...and it's something!

Hawks

Let's play spot the difference.

"Grace: when you get what you deserve"

You deserve a sober and happy life.

Marcher13

Raider I would ask you to read the quotes above. You can't have it both ways, I wish we could but we can't. You didn't post because you knew what the response would be. You are not exercising will power, you're not even trying except for "last night".

So what do you want? What matters to you most?

EJ43

Hi raider!!!! It's a journey and you are on it!!!! It's awesome that you always head back here and share, everyone's path is different, but leaning on or another can get us through the hard stuff! But let's get right to the FUZZ! What a ham!!!! I have to say, that one is my favorite. And your view is beautiful. I have been to Utah once and it is amazing. So completely different from Massachusetts and New England. It's mind boggling all the beautiful places we have right here in our own country. Hang in there, you can do it!

Croissant

I don't know what to say Pam, except, you are one of the members I remember from when I first joined here last year. I know I've said it before...but just reminding you, you aren't forgotten.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but when some of your really dark times were happening, towards the end of last year prior to being accepted into rehab...off the site, I remember how tangible some of your pain was to me when you were in the grip of addiction - I remember worrying and hoping for you - hoping you'd make it.

I still hope that for you. There's resources here for you, people who care, who have had highs and lows like you have. I wish there was some way I could help you to physically and mentally "feel" and "see" how great it is to come to terms with being sober as a real and good option. But sadly, I can't. Like me, you will have to wrestle this beast and I hope, and yes will pray, that you win.

No ones on your back. We just want you to win.

SoberLeigh

Raider, if I remember correctly, you used to volunteer in an assisted living or nursing home when you were in Utah. Is there a similar facility nearby where you could do the same now?

During my first two years sober, I was either caring for my Mom in her home, in my home, or spending my days with her in a nursing home or memory care unit. So I spent a great deal of time with people in their final years. And I wondered . . . .

what was her greatest joy?

what was his greatest tragedy?

what would they change if they could go back?

what is the one moment in time they would like to relive?

what is their greatest regret?

During that time, I was white-knuckling it and had no support. The people I met during those two years were, I guess, my "inspiration" to stay sober. While, hopefully, a long ways from that point in my life, I couldn't help but see that I was "just a little" West of Autumn. I realized that I didn't want to, someday, look back on my life and see any more alcoholism in my mix than was already there.

Just thinking that you might want to revisit the idea of volunteering. I bet the folks would really enjoy you and the Fuzz and you may find some extra inspiration along the way.

ScottFromWI

I've mentioned this many times, but scheduling out my entire day really helped me, especially early on. If you have plans to do things, even if they are as simple as daily chores or reading, it eliminates the potential for cravings or descending into boredom/self-pity.

Setting aside an hour a day for anything specifically recovery related would be a fantastic start. Go buy yourself a weekly planner or fire up a calendar app if you are a gadget/techie person and start filling up the day. You can also cross things off and it gives you a sense that you've accomplished something each and every day.