4th step, for ppl in a 12 step program
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
4th step, for ppl in a 12 step program
If you are in a 12 step program like AA or NA, and have already done your 4th step, would you mind telling me what the experience was like for you?
I am in IOP and still going over the first 3 steps. And I haven't started working the first step with a sponsor yet. The 4th step seems scary, overwhelming, and intense. But I have heard people talk about it being the step where everything started to change for them and they started to feel better.
So I was just wondering what other peoples experience with it has been like.
I am in IOP and still going over the first 3 steps. And I haven't started working the first step with a sponsor yet. The 4th step seems scary, overwhelming, and intense. But I have heard people talk about it being the step where everything started to change for them and they started to feel better.
So I was just wondering what other peoples experience with it has been like.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
relief
then continuing through to step 7, a spiritual experience
freedom at step 9
a life beyond what I could have imagined 3 years later (started way before the 3 year mark, too!)
walk through those steps with a sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening or experience!
then continuing through to step 7, a spiritual experience
freedom at step 9
a life beyond what I could have imagined 3 years later (started way before the 3 year mark, too!)
walk through those steps with a sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening or experience!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89 
The 4th step seems scary, overwhelming, and intense. But I have heard people talk about it being the step where everything started to change for them and they started to feel better.
It is an amazing thing.
We all look at it & think "OMG" ... I haven't met one person yet who wasn't a bit afraid or overwhelmed at the prospect.
The feeling afterwards is, in a nutshell, wonderful.
Cleansing .... as if a huge weight is removed from the soul.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
Congratulations on your progress!
I don't know enough about it and haven't been through it yet. But from the little I know, it reminds me of confession. I grew up Catholic and the 4th/5th step sort of makes me think of going to confession, telling the priest your sins, and being forgiven and going away from it feeling clean, fresh, and resolved.
I may be way off. Like I said, I don't really understand how the 4th/5th step works, what it does for you, and how it feels after you do it. Only know what I have heard.
I don't know enough about it and haven't been through it yet. But from the little I know, it reminds me of confession. I grew up Catholic and the 4th/5th step sort of makes me think of going to confession, telling the priest your sins, and being forgiven and going away from it feeling clean, fresh, and resolved.
I may be way off. Like I said, I don't really understand how the 4th/5th step works, what it does for you, and how it feels after you do it. Only know what I have heard.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
It is essentially an in-depth examination of our part in our troubles in life.
If for instance, you have a run in with your boss at work, who tunes you up about your level of work & level of output .... usually what happens is that we alcoholic folk, normally walk away cursing the boss for being too tough and a nasty so and so.
But deep down we know that our boss is right (we turn up hungover and don't do much etc) but blaming others for our own short-comings is usually as far as we get.
The 4th step asks us to look at what WE did .... why did the boss tune us up ?
Were we dishonest ? (lied about why we were late to work for the 20th time)
Were we selfish ? (drinking heavily till midnight or beyond, knowing we had a big day at work tomorrow)
Were we frightened ? (that we would get found out and sacked)
Were we inconsiderate ? (if we are at work doing a half assed job, someone else probably has to make up the shortfall)
There is a bit more to it, but that makes up the majority of the stuff we are asked to look at.
We get all pissed off (resentful) at people, but really, we start the ball rolling in the first place.
If for instance, you have a run in with your boss at work, who tunes you up about your level of work & level of output .... usually what happens is that we alcoholic folk, normally walk away cursing the boss for being too tough and a nasty so and so.
But deep down we know that our boss is right (we turn up hungover and don't do much etc) but blaming others for our own short-comings is usually as far as we get.
The 4th step asks us to look at what WE did .... why did the boss tune us up ?
Were we dishonest ? (lied about why we were late to work for the 20th time)
Were we selfish ? (drinking heavily till midnight or beyond, knowing we had a big day at work tomorrow)
Were we frightened ? (that we would get found out and sacked)
Were we inconsiderate ? (if we are at work doing a half assed job, someone else probably has to make up the shortfall)
There is a bit more to it, but that makes up the majority of the stuff we are asked to look at.
We get all pissed off (resentful) at people, but really, we start the ball rolling in the first place.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
I'm one of those people who had a hard time with the 4th step. I couldn't figure it out because I don't tend to get resentful/angry/pissed off at people, I internalize everything, I blame myself.
The only way I could do it was to think of the word "resentment" as re-feeling. I focused on people, places and things (especially people) that I mentally returned to, over & over, sometimes for decades, with bad/unhappy feelings. I tried to examine their/my actions and reactions, when/how/if alcohol got involved, and look for patterns.
It was ...interesting. Unpleasant. Enlightening, a little. I haven't absorbed it completely yet. I was able to see that my interpretations of the sources of my "resentments" are probably pretty bent. Maybe that will in time allow me to "unbend" them a little.
It took me more than a year.
The only way I could do it was to think of the word "resentment" as re-feeling. I focused on people, places and things (especially people) that I mentally returned to, over & over, sometimes for decades, with bad/unhappy feelings. I tried to examine their/my actions and reactions, when/how/if alcohol got involved, and look for patterns.
It was ...interesting. Unpleasant. Enlightening, a little. I haven't absorbed it completely yet. I was able to see that my interpretations of the sources of my "resentments" are probably pretty bent. Maybe that will in time allow me to "unbend" them a little.
It took me more than a year.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I spent the best part of a day with my sponsor getting my 4th step done. I still have it, its kinda like a stock list, mostly of liabilities, fo my character, and it made me very aware that I had certain traits that trip me up or "cause my failure" as the Big book puts it. Fear, selfishness, arrogance, sloth, lust to name a few. This helped me see that my behaviour when I wasn't drinkig, the instinctual drives that controlled my decision making processes, almost always put me in conflict with my fellows and my own core values, making me feel crap most of the time.
The next day, I took my fifth step with my sponsor, and that was where I got rid of all the dark secrets, vague and haunting memories of things I did while drunk, stuff I hoped would never see the light of day. Confession if you like. Afterward I read page 75 of the Big book, the step 5 promises, and they described exactly how I felt.
I found taking both these steps with my sponsor was very beneficial. I definately needed one to one help with the fourth and when I take someone through step 4 today, we do it together. But when it comes to step 5, I make it very clear that the Big Book offers a number of options as to who we might chose to share it with, the one missing option being another AA member. Just because it worked out well for me, doesnt mean it would be ok for you. The AA member, generally, is not trained to hear 5th steps, and I have seen people hurt by inappropriate comments or reactions from sponsors. Priests on the other hand are trained by this and are about the only people protected under the law to keep you confidence, so you can tell them anything that is troubling you and you will not be reported.
Some sponsors feel if you dont take step 5 with them, they wont know you have taken it. For those who I sponsor who have chosen to take the step with a priest,
the change in them is so obvious it is easy to see, when the step has been taken thoroughly. I'm not religious by the way.
Step 4, written, can be done in as little as two hours with a sponsors help. Step 5, verbal takes as long as it takes, sometimes more than one session with the priest is needed.
It is important to remember that the 12 step program is a way of life, not a one off. If you miss something, you will be brought back to it. The main thing is to deal with the big blocks, and get this new way of life happening. The principles of step 4 are incorporated in steps 10 and 11, so we continue the process for a lifetime.
The next day, I took my fifth step with my sponsor, and that was where I got rid of all the dark secrets, vague and haunting memories of things I did while drunk, stuff I hoped would never see the light of day. Confession if you like. Afterward I read page 75 of the Big book, the step 5 promises, and they described exactly how I felt.
I found taking both these steps with my sponsor was very beneficial. I definately needed one to one help with the fourth and when I take someone through step 4 today, we do it together. But when it comes to step 5, I make it very clear that the Big Book offers a number of options as to who we might chose to share it with, the one missing option being another AA member. Just because it worked out well for me, doesnt mean it would be ok for you. The AA member, generally, is not trained to hear 5th steps, and I have seen people hurt by inappropriate comments or reactions from sponsors. Priests on the other hand are trained by this and are about the only people protected under the law to keep you confidence, so you can tell them anything that is troubling you and you will not be reported.
Some sponsors feel if you dont take step 5 with them, they wont know you have taken it. For those who I sponsor who have chosen to take the step with a priest,
the change in them is so obvious it is easy to see, when the step has been taken thoroughly. I'm not religious by the way.
Step 4, written, can be done in as little as two hours with a sponsors help. Step 5, verbal takes as long as it takes, sometimes more than one session with the priest is needed.
It is important to remember that the 12 step program is a way of life, not a one off. If you miss something, you will be brought back to it. The main thing is to deal with the big blocks, and get this new way of life happening. The principles of step 4 are incorporated in steps 10 and 11, so we continue the process for a lifetime.
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