I'm a mess
 

Ok, I'm currently sitting at work exiled whilst I'm being investigated for certain things I did whilst drunk.

Here's my story..

I'm not a everyday drinker, I'm more of a binge drinker. What I tend to do is get heavly intoxicated really quick and then blackout and do stuff that has ruined my life. I've realised that majority of the issues I have in my life stem from alcohol. Ive abused people that love and care abouts and pretty much destroyed every relationship I've had due to my behaviour when extremely intoxicated. People don't respect me for this reason. im a self loathing idiot.

I sit here and feel sorry for myself but what about the people I've hurt? I've had some amazing people care about me and I've ****** it all. My family has been good to me and always supportive even though I've treated them
All like ****. I think that's what makes this all the more depressing.

I don't know what to do, I want to jump into bed and never get out.. I feel sick right now think about how I have to face what I have done to people at work. I feel trapped and helpless...

I don't know what to do, I feel anxious to the point I want to spew..

I don't know guys, I don't know.

Hi Jaza - and welcome :)

what you do is what we all did. Draw a line in the sand and declare this Independence Day.

Whatever happens, and whatever's coming from what happened, you need never feel this way again.

You can choose to change things...from now :)

There's a ton of support and understanding here too - you're not alone :)

D

I know that when I felt like you do now, it was time for me to quit drinking. I spent a few days at a no-cost, inpatient detox and then did ninety AA meetings in ninety days.

I am still sober almost two years later--and SoberRecovery has been a constant source of support and information.

I have also done things in a black-out that I feel great shame and guilt for. Family, friends, girlfriends are all terrified of me when I get that drunk. I've been hospitalized, fired, and jailed for the things I've done. Yet, I kept drinking.

You need to decide whether you really want to end this madness. Reach out for help to your work and family/friends.

Ring the 12th Step Office in Prahran

(03) 9529 5948

Ive been through the same kind of thing.

Hi Jaza. I feel your pain exactly. The way I've conducted myself at work events while under the influence has been the topic of many conversations behind my back. None of which I'm the least bit proud of. The good news is its never too late to make things better. Mind you I'm writing this to you on the tail end of a 3 day bender and I'm struggling to keep my hands steady enough to write it. If your anything like me you'll have acknowledged the fact that one drink is too many and never ends well. Good luck to you brother.

jaza the only real meaningful amends is to stop drinking. You'll find most people will forgive you if you can do that. But if you keep drinking they'll correctly assume you're not sorry enough.
Seek professional help; your GP would be a good start. Make a long appointment and tell him/her everything.

Thanks guys,

I need to or I will end up in jail. I have a good job, and people respected me.

Now, no one does. I'm in a office and everyone is looking down on me. I'm quite a placid person when I'm sober, but it's like as soon as I drink its gives the key to the person I don't want to be.

I do need help, more then anyone knows.. I do feel alone because I don't want to tell my family what I did, because of the disappointment that follows.

It's weird you know, you don't think you have a problem, but I sit here now and I have never felt like this, I almost feel like I'm not me and I'm having an out of body expierence like, surely this is a dream and I didnt **** up?

Thanks for all your replies, as silly as it sounds just hearing people have gone through it helps...

Welcome to SR Jazz. I've been there. The only way for me to make things right was to get sober. And the only way I was able to get sober was to want to be sober. I was able to do that, and I believe you can do the same.

Have you thought of seeking help? At the very least you should stick around this site;you will find help and support here.

Once you achieve some sober time the shame and guilt will subside.

Hi jaza, welcome to SR. You aren't alone, we are or was in similar situations, I myself am not proud of my behaviour whilst drunk, but I'm sober now and the great feeling of no regrets and being able to hold my head up, with no shame is well worth giving up the drink for.

I will add to the you are not alone chorus. If you are here long enough you will hear an extremely long chorus of "Been there. Done that." I am another one. I have made an ass of myself many times. The worst for me - as far as embarrassment goes - was to be in the papers over an entire state of 5 million people as well as the statewide television news for what I had done.

But the worst was seeing the tears in my wife's eyes as she realized that I had been lying to her as I snuck around to get high any way I could.

Welcome. I have learnt that life is simpler sober. With time my self respect came back.

get yourself to AA, get a Big Book, commit to changing your life for the better, realize that as long as you're breathing you can still turn this around.....

take action and become the person you want to be and leave this booze-soaked person that is not you in the past.

welcome.

Hi Jaza,
Welcome to SR

Welcome to the Forum Jaza!! You'll find loads of support here on SR!! :wave:

Thanks so much guys mean so much..

Just trying to come to terms with the mistakes I've made... It kinder feels surreal at the moment.. What happened just isn't me, and alcohol has brang out the worst in me and I'm nothing short of ashamed.

I'm still being exiled at work, well that's how I feel... So ***** real hard.

I just want to move on from this, I never want to feel they way I currently do again, it's the worst.

Just reading through this forum has given me hope and that it's not the end of the world...

Good luck jaza

Jaza, I know exactly how you feel. For me, taking responsibility for my drinking lifted a world of burden off of my shoulders. Whatever is happening at work, admit to it, apologize, and make amends the best way you can. No one wants to lose their job but if they already know and you are being investigated, you have to deal with it.

The good news is if you stop drinking, you will never have to feel this way again. And it is not the end of the world. You can do this and you will come out the other end better for it.

Hi Jaza,

So many of us here know how horrible the first few days after quitting drinking feel, and the most important thing for you right now is to do whatever is necessary for you to take care of yourself. The further you get away froom the alcohol, the better you will feel.

That said, I wonder if your employer has any kind of support in place for people with substance abuse problems? Many have EAP programs, and if you go to HR and admit that you need help, they are obliged to help you.

It sounds like you have a solid reputation at your job, and have hit a nasty place that has brought you to a crossroad. I would bet that most people aren't judging you -- we do that so well to ourselves, much better than others do -- but, don't know what to say or do. Believe that this moment in your life will pass, and that you have the power to change - and your life will indeed change.

Choose life. Choose a healthy way of living, of being kind to yourself - and don't focus on the past or the future. Just concentrate on getting through this one day. Remind yourself of all the good things you've done (not as a justification, but to remember that you're a good person).

This thing we struggle with is an illness. And, we're the only ones who have the power to heal ourselves from it. I wish you peace as you walk through this difficult time.

It will be okay, Jaza.

I hear your anger.