Findingtheway

I've tried to remain vigilant over my thoughts. I've stretched out some solid sober time by doing so.

But being hyper vigilant with the idea...*can't drink today...can't drink today...etc* has absolutely worn me out before. And I would use it as an excuse to experiment again with drinking.

In the end I'm searching for balance. But I need to be vigilant on that side EVERY day. Or I will drink. And this last time one drink almost killed me.

I want to live. I'm not playing with this beast anymore.

NanB

Can...will...not sure I see the difference. In any case, I'm glad for you that you're comfortable enough that you have excised all your triggers. Well done.

Taking5

In AA we are taught to surrender to alcoholism. To many this may seem like a weakness, but paradoxically, it is a strength. There is no hypervigilance, nor even a fight. I have given up fighting anyone or anything - especially alcohol.

totfit

I really don't worry about alcohol in food or being around it. It is typically totally gone after food is prepared and any residual is negligible. I am not going to get "surprise" drunk. If I go back out there will be likely no surprise to it.

NanB

Alcohol in food has NOTHING to do with a surprise drunk but EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE TASTE BEING A TRIGGER!!

freshstart57

I am trying to describe the choice of sobriety, rather than an edict. One is internal, an active choice, the other is something being forced up on us. When the word 'can't' is used, I hear 'I wanna drink and I caaaaaaaan't'. When the words 'will never' are used, this is a choice, and a lifetime choice. It is a decision made once and for always.

I guess I was never really good at doing something I didn't want to do just because I was told to. I had to learn why, I had to agree and accept. And since I get to frame the context and meaning of this deal, I choose the words that work for me.

For me, sobriety is not an imposition, something I am being forced to do against my will. It is a choice - I can drink or I can live a good and happy life, but I can't do both. Best to you.

awuh1

I would examine this a bit more carefully. Some of what you say seems to contradict this. If in fact it is true, and you have fully accepted that you can never drink again, then I suspect that alcohol served to fill a void for you. Triggers, might then be thought of as abrupt reminder of what seems to be missing.

Maybe not. Just a thought.

Dee74

I think you'll find the support here useful Nan - it really helped me to know that I wasn;t alone in this, that others had my back, and that a life full of peace and without fear of alcohol was possible

welcome

D

NanB

Thanks, D. Seems like I'm pretty alone here with my particular challenges in sobriety, but that's OK. Nobody told me to get sober - the choice was 100% mine alone. I came here to find a place where I thought I could openly discuss challenges in sobriety. If it were easy all the time, relapse rates wouldn't be so terrifyingly high. I've been sober since September 19, 2011. I have not relapsed once. But there are things that are hard for me. I wanted to be able to talk about those things. Guess my stuff just doesn't resonate here. That's fine - not every forum is right for everyone - no problemo.

Dee74

I'm not sure why you feel alone here, Nan or why you feel your story doesn't resonate

Your posts also seems to paint you as one woman alone in a world of drinkers.

There's several thousand of us alcoholics here for help, support and understanding, if you want it

I was terrified of relapse too. I had no confidence in my own ability to stay sober - I'd not had any success over 20 years.
But joining this community helped

I realised I wasn't alone, and that I'd found a place of 24/7 support.

I also realised alcohol isn't waiting to ambush me - I need to make a conscious choice to drink again and raise that glass or bottle to my lips - I'm not going to make that choice ever again.

I also love the sober life I've built. I've worked hard to not simply fill but heal the void in me I tried to fill with alcohol.
I feel at peace.

I'm not special at all - there's no reason at all why you can;t feel the same peace I do, Nan

D

NanB

Thanks, Dee. I guess I do sometimes feel like "a woman alone in a world of drinkers". Well said!

I choose each day not to drink. Some days just feel less comfortable than others. Today hasn't been a good day. Even so, I'm still not going to drink.

dwtbd

I took the comments you received as a way to see a different perspective, maybe to help ease the hypervigilance.
welcome to forum, hope tomorow is a better day

Dee74

I hope you'll decide to post here regularly Nan

D

Buggirl

In my last attempts to quit I was hyper vigilant but now, this time I am at peace! I have said my farewells to alcohol and just know something has clicked this time! I hope it happens for you

freshstart57

What has given you the idea that we don't know the experiences you describe? Is it not more likely that we do, that your stuff does resonate perfectly, and we are offering our experiences in moving to a place that has proven better for us? Would you feel better if the only messages you got were saying nothing more than 'Same here, ain't it awful?'.

Most of these posts have been folks sharing their experience about what has helped them, offering encouragement to you, and saying that you can succeed too. There's more of that, if you can stick around. I hope you do, Nan. Best to you.

NanB

That might have been exactly what I wanted, freshstart57! But probably wasn't at all what I needed....thanks.

Rina

I felt this way too as I have to be randomly ETOH tested for the next 6 months until I discovered that there are trace amounts of ethanol in almost everything we eat and drink. I.E. Sodas, canned foods, cured meats, even pizza dough! I am staying sober for personal reasons and I could see how the taste of wine even after being cooked off could be a trigger or being around it could drive you s little crazy! Once I realized that there is ethanol in most foods I stopped obsessing about perfume and hand sanitizer because I was there right with you!

Meraviglioso

Hi nan, I am sorry again that you are feeling so frustrated and exhausted by this. I do understand. It sounds to me that eating meals and going to restaurants you associate with alcohol is part of it, not just the actual alcohol in the food. Can you try for a while to change the venues and the style of eating? As said in my previous post, there are certain foods or restaurants that are so associated with wine for me that I can't eat them still, even though the foods themselves contain no wine.
I would also suggest seeing a therapist if you are not already she or he may be able to help you work on the emotions that come into play during those moments.
I have only recently started using the "play the tape until the end" strategy but have found it helpful.
For example yesterday I visited a little town in chianti for a wine and bike festival and to have lunch at a nice restaurant. There were plenty of cravings and moments where I envisioned myself just sipping on a nice glass of red, enjoying the grape harvest and the culture around me..... I "played to tape to the end" and remembered it would never be one glass, I'd start to get worse cravings and start eyeing the bottle on the table possessively, wondering if I could pour myself more, would anyone notice, will anyone else order another bottle or will I have to speak up and do it myself (as a guest!) how will I convince everyone to go immediately to the wine tasting tent when they really wnat to go look at the bikes, oh god, I'm stumbling now, did anyone see it, ok, I'll say I have to go to the toilet and then stop by a bar really quick and chug a glass of wine while strangers stare at me, uh-oh, I'm really drunk now, do they notice, do they care, where is the next drink, screw it, I'm drunk I don't care about these people, let them judge me the jerks, I'm going to do the wine tasting without them..... onto the next morning and the hangover.

It wasn't exactly painless, but it did help and I felt good that I was making the right decision to not drink.

I would also suggest to you that you check out a great book if you have not read it. It is called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp.

oak

NanB,
I also avoid alcohol in food, for the same reasons you mentioned- because the taste could trigger me and also because alcohol does not completely evaporate during cooking. I recently had rum cake without knowing it had rum in it. Although it did not really trigger cravings, it triggered some rationalizations.

I've been sober since Sept 2012 (and I was sober for many years before that), but I still don't feel that comfortable around people who are drinking. For me, I think it's risky to hang out with people who are drinking or sit in a restaurant and look at the bar (which I do when I watch TV at a sports bar).

There have been times when I have felt much more comfortable and solid in sobriety, and at those times, seeing alcohol does not bother me. And there are other times when I feel less solid and when alcohol is more in my thoughts. Even though I don't think I'll drink, it concerns me when I start thinking about or noticing alcohol.

I don't know if it would be helpful for you, but when I start thinking more about alcohol, I add support (sober friends, recovery groups, therapy, sober activities, etc.) and I also cut down on activities that put me near alcohol.

I hope you like it here at SR. You might also like Women for Sobriety. They have a forum online, and they might have a face-to-face group near you. Login - WELCOME TO WFS ONLINE!

Congrats on 3 years sober!