wpainterw

In the Twelve Steps it is suggested that persons in recovery should make amends to others whom they may have harmed. But what happens if such persons do the equivalent of slamming the door, refuse to discuss, much less forgive, the past harm? This has happened to me occasionally and it can be a traumatic experience. However, there can be a good, a helpful aspect of this. When this happened I learned that if there are "things I cannot change" I should "turn it over", say that I have done what I can and go on to the future. Hold no grudges. Practice forgiveness perhaps (for those who cannot forgive may also be forgiven). Who knows- that person may have his or her inner torments, stresses, frustrations. I like what Coleridge's Ancient Mariner said at the end of the poem:

He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.

W.

wpainterw

P.S. This may be entirely irrelevant, but I'm rather shocked at the misuse of the phrase "Have a Good Day!", which might be said when they slam the door and shut you out or when they honestly wish you good will and friendliness in a store or maybe even in a church. This reminds me of what they say about the Chinese language, where the same word may have different meanings depending on the inflection, the tone. Here in America the tip off of hostility might be the addition of the word "And..." as in "And... Have a good day!" (in the old days they would say, "Drop Dead, Fred!")
What have we come to? All this polarization of emotion! Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker saying "Exterminate all the Liberals!" "Exterminate Their Philosophy!" Is this America we're still living in? I've not heard anything like this since listening to the overseas radio in the middle 1930's.

W.

Pipefish

Hello W

Always enjoy your posts, and look out for them. They are thoughtful, and yes, we do indeed live in strange times...sometimes I wonder though if there were ever a time when we didn't? I studied history at College, and my first ever essay was on the concept of The Norman Yoke. I'm English, and it appears we had an historical hang-up about interlopers! ;-) The underlying thread of the concept was basically, 'the way back when' when things were golden, when Arcadia was all we knew, and the fiction that this was. It seemed to me to be something about an attempt to deal with discomfort, unease, and to satisfy (if not very fully) what I experience as a very human tendency to yearn. The polarization of emotion to which you refer, could then, come from a sense of powerlessness? A sense of needing to simply identify the enemy, to make it all better...as an individual, I've certainly done the 'if it weren't for them, life would be so much better' routine, and this hostility is perhaps the same writ large? I do recognise too the kinds of language, and attitudes a democracy allows can be disturbing, and the pity for me is that is freedom of speech is used so carelessly, to so little useful end. OK! Lecture over ;-) It was it seems, ever thus...

Anyway, to your original post about 12 step amends. Early this year, I took the steps again. One of the most useful things I learned, was that an amend is an implied promise to change the behaviour that caused the damage. That promise is mine, and in making an amend, however it is made (in person, by letter, phone, or even in changing my future conduct so the same or similar damage is not caused in new situations), that amend is my commitment to that change. What the person on the receiving end of that amend does, I have no control over. They may well have stored hurt or anger over the situation, or they may have forgotten all about it. The point is that, having been through steps four and five, I can now see who was hurt, and what I need to do to make restitution. Restitution is not the same as making it all better. It is as far as I have learned, about acknowledging and committing to something new. The person's response is their response.

Easy to say, and hard to do, huh? :-) Indeed, but it is what makes this stuff so rich -sometimes painful rich, sometimes surprising rich, sometimes just rich.

An example is an amend I made to my brother, which is about 13 years ago now. I knew that given the family history, an amend in person would be unwise and hurtful to him - he is not emotionally robust enough for that. So I wrote him a letter and I shared it with two people I trusted before I sent it,. Each said it was a good amends, owning my own part fully, recognising the damage and upset I had caused. The letter I received back from him, could not have shut the door more firmly in my face. It was bitter, it was angry, it was so full of hurt, and nothing I had said had resolved any of that for him. Now, perhaps it could have, if he had given it space too, but he was not able to do that. And I understood that, because I (as much as anyone can understand another human being) I know where he came from.

There has been no contact since that letter. The amends I sent left the door open, he preferred it closed, and it was my job to accept that. It was a consequence of my drinking, that the relationship was for him, damaged beyond repair. That's the deal. If my expectation is sending that amend had been a beautifully repaired relationship then I would have been bitterly disappointed. But it wasn't and I wasn't. I had done what was needed, and could leave that and him alone, in peace.

Much of this (when I say 'this' what I mean is, how I conduct myself in life, sober) is about intention, and when my intention is self-interest, then pretty generally, things don't go so well ;-) The spirit of an amend, as I learned earlier this year, is not to be thought well of (having the intention of being liked or forgiven) but to have an intention to do things differently by first recognising and owning what I did wrong.

Dee74

You'll probably get better answers from 12 steppers Bill, but as I understand the amends in AA it's making the amends that's important, not how they're received.

If we go into an amends expecting to be forgiven or some kind of emotional return we will sometimes be disappointed, I think?

Some people did not want to forgive me. I'd hurt them too much. I have to accept that, do what I can to make amends and move on.

I'm sorry you got the door slammed in your face tho. That's never nice....but you tried to do the right thing Bill. Thats what counts.

D

D

Soberwolf

Completly agree with D

wpainterw

Pipefish: Thanks for your interesting and thoughtful reply. i am so sorry that your brother had such a hard time with the letter you sent him. It was hard on you, and it must have revived many hurtful memories for him. It is often hard to predict how people will react. Perhaps in some cases it might accomplish the same goal of self realization that you speak of to write the letter and then never send it. Once in a rehab part of the exercise given to me was to write a letter to my sister who had died and tell her about all the hurtful things she had said or written to me at various times and to say that I understood now and that I still missed her and was fond of her. Since she had died the letter (oddly a sort of "reverse amend") was never sent. But it helped me, lessened my own feelings of hurt. In those group therapy sessions we wrote lots of letters and then burned them. At times we also acted out and spoke to people in our family who were not there. Perhaps they are there, listening in some spiritual realm coexistent with our phenomenal one. Sometimes I sense a grandfather I so much loved and who loved me somehow present in the room. I am 87 now. Perhaps when I die I shall become part of that sea into which all rivers flow.

W.

wpainterw

Dee: I think you may have misunderstood me. I hope I was not so self centered or selfish as to expect forgiveness or some kind of emotional return. Can one apologize without being thought selfish, seeking something for oneself? Are not shame, guilt, sadness punishment enough? A problem I have always had with some recovery programs is the suggestion that we drank because we were "bad", had sinned and we should confess and be sent to the "woodshed" as they used to say in the old days. We drank and, with sobriety, have an opportunity to mature upwards on a spiritual path, helping others, trying not to upset them further. The best way of making amends is to try to live the remainder of one's life as it might have been lived without the alcohol. To live for others, help them if one can and, if possible diminish the sense of "self", an illusion according to some beliefs. It is possible to see that the "self" is only a shadow which can pass away. Then there can be no fear of death, since nothing can "die".

W.

Dee74

I was just making general remarks Bill, riffing on your remark 'what happens if such persons do the equivalent of slamming the door, refuse to discuss, much less forgive, the past harm?'

I did not realise you were speaking allegorically tho

I too subscribe to the idea of living amends

It's all good
D

MythOfSisyphus

I think you hit it on the head, Bill; you can only hope for the serenity to accept that which you cannot change. Some hurts won't heal with an apology, and some people are just built in such a way that they hold onto a grudge like it was money. In a way anger is like alcoholism- it gets to be an addiction, a coping mechanism. Nietzsche once said, “When we have to change our mind about a person, we hold the inconvenience he causes us very much against him.” I think that is quite accurate.

wpainterw

And Nietzsche did in fact "change his mind"- about Wagner! Neither of them "made amends", not being "amend making" kind of guys. We seem to be encountering increasing numbers of non amend makers these days, some of them heavily armed. They used to say that "the pen is mightier than the sword'. This may no longer be true if reading is in decline and guns are becoming more sophisticated and widely distributed.

W.

afloatsober

Love what you have said about amends.
This step scares me but i do profoundly understand the need for it.
I am not at step 9 but i am making amends daily to some by not drinking and being a kinder less selfish person as a result.
Reading your post and the comments of others, has help me to consider a less fearful perspective and some calm around the prospect of step 9.
Truly helpful.
Thank you All
G