Findingtheway

I had no recollection of getting to the hospital either...I remember leaving the office quite hammered...but nothing after that point.

All told its a 10 minute walk to the subway...the subway folks called 911 and well..Next recollection is being at the hospital with the nurse yelling, and my sister calling me asking where am I?...

I must've fallen because the back of my head is sore...lost my phone holder during the chaos...but still have my phone...

And yes I can also say I didn't intend to get that drunk...but I'm only lying to myself by saying that.

I'm an alcoholic I wanted to drink to get drunk...there is no OFF switch anymore.

I don't want to drink anymore. I hated that I listened to my own lies that it would be okay this time. It's a LIE and it almost KO'ed me this time!

Is it worth playing with our lives? I am DONE. Call this my rock bottom.

I will not die from alcoholism. I chose not to. 48 hours sober now.

Insidious thing is...if it wasn't for this event...I'd still likely be drinking.

Cunning,Baffling,Powerful. I think god kept me alive on Thursday.

I'm willing to listen with different ears at AA now.

nymets86

I think my statement is weak as well....I certainly set out to get drunk. Of course it wasn't my intention to wake up in a hospital and break my phone.

Looking back on it, I'm thinking I had mentally prepared to get really drunk. Instead of going from work to the happy hour with my laptop, I went home (out of the way) first to drop it off. it was definitely in my mind that I'd be so drunk I might lose the bag, so that's ultimately why I think I did it.

Alynn

Sounds scary ! I'm very sorry and glad you are ok ! Tale good care if yourself and hang in there. We are all in this twisted addiction together

I can do all things through he who strengthens me

Hawks

Mind if I ask the type of AA meetings you were attending?

I don't mean what the group or groups called themselves, just a description of what went on.

If you want to that is

MIRecovery

Do you have a sponsor and are you working the steps?

resolute50

I'm glad you're OK.
Use this experience as a tool.
I have had some terrible things happen during relapse.
It is those memories that remind me to always be on guard.

AcceptingChange

Thank you for posting this FindingTheWay. I'm glad this didn't turn out worse, I'm glad you're on your way back to health.
Blackouts are so scary, and I've had some of my own.
One time I came out of a blackout while I was driving, far from my home, on some road I didn't know. I was driving for 30+ minutes in a complete blackout. :-( I'm very very ashamed of that action.
So how did I address my problem? I stopped driving when I drank and took the bus when I knew I'd be drinking.
And one time I went to a concert, wandered out of the concert halfway through, jumped on a bus I thought was the right one, took the bus to one of the worst parts of the city, and just walked off. I remember the bus driver saying "don't get off here" in a pleading tone. But I did. Then I passed out on a bench at the bus stop. And as I came to, I saw a pretty aggressive guy standing near me, sizing me up. I passed out a bit more, came to, and then there were two guys looking at me. I somehow was able to sit up, and I saw a bus across the street. I ran to it and the bus stopped and let me on (thank you Mr. Driver). I ended up somehow getting into a cab and getting home. But it was all very vague, and I was in very dangerous neighborhoods completely incapacitated. Alcohol don't play, it wants me dead.

Presidential candidate George McGovern's daughter died when she came back from a 6 month rehab, and on the first day back got so drunk in a bar that she walked out, then wandered around until she passed out in the snow. And the poor girl froze to death. :-(
(Google George McGovern Daughter Terri).

Alcohol is very scary.

Findingtheway

The meetings I've been going to are closed ones. Theres 2 specific ones I've been attending. One with folks I'm more close/open with...I have some folks I may consider friends there. The other is a more wide group of 50 or so folks...I don't really connect to as many folks there.

I've always had some resistance to the whole hand it over to god stuff...

With this last one I think god saved me from killing myself.

This was scary indeed. Alcohol wants to kill me. God wants to save me.

I think I need to attend AA with a much different mindset.

Hawks

Thanks Findingtheway

And a description of what went on at those meetings?

Findingtheway

They are majority of big book discussion type of meetings. Some are open topic discussions etc. I don't usually go to open meetings.

I have a temporary sponsor...but don't talk to him as often as I should. And no I'm not actively working the 12 steps of AA. Though I'll be serious about opening up to this idea after what happened.

Half measures...I know how that ends...I don't want to drink anymore.

Problem for me doesn't seem to be stopping. It's remaining stopped.

Hawks

That's good you've had exposure to the book and the steps.

Not much solution to sober living in open discussion meetings.

The steps provide a solution to continuously living sober, one day at a time.

We swap our old solution, booze, for a new solution.

Good spirit, God, conquers bad spirit, alcohol.

The way I look at it these days is that my sponsor is like a personal trainer and I'm like some one who needs to go from 380lbs to 200lbs.

It won't happen overnight, but my personal trainer / sponsor is there to guide me and if need be, provide motivation.

In my personal case, I have come to realise I need a sponsor who is tough on me.

Any sponsor who is too hands off with me, and let me do it my way....would eventually see me return to booze.

I have 29 years of evidence that tells me doing things "my way " means using alcohol as my solution to living.

Hope that helps and I think you're on the right track.

I had to learn the hard way too. I wrote off my car, before deciding my way wasn't working.

Hard lessons....... We alcoholic folk are just like that

Findingtheway

Hawks. Thank you for the words of advice. I'm going to continue with the meetings. I'm still going with the aim of 100 % abstinence. Anything else for me ends in absolute chaos and pain.

A permanent sponsor that can help me day by day is a good next step.

PurpleKnight

SR is in your corner Findingtheway!! Use us for support to get you through this!!

Hawks

Your welcome

In finding the right sponsor, one suggested question to ask them.

Have you had a spiritual awakening as the result of taking the steps?

If they have, they'll be able to answer that pretty directly.

If they fumble and bumble with lots of ums and ahs or they may even say "what do you mean?".... Keep looking.