Lyricchi

I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like a total basket case. I'm three months sober today, have a sponsor, go to my meetings. For the past week or so, i've been so angry - at anyone and everyone. Judging speakers, resenting my sponsor, coming late to meetings and leaving early. Tonight my home group hosted a meeting to prepare for a round up coming up. My sponsor usually talks to me post-meetings but tonight she went outside afterward right away with another woman. I went outside after a minute and just sorta stood there, ten feet away. I don't even think she saw me, but regardless, I certainly didn't go up to her to talk. I was just sulking over her not having come to me. I KNOW I SOUND RIDICULOUS. But I'm angry. I immediately confirmed to myself she doesn't like me. Even now as I type this, I know I'm being sick, but I don't want to call her. I don't want to be vulnerable to her because what if I'm not crazy and she did see me and she actually just doesn't like me. What is wrong with me? I'm so resentful that I want to drink for the first time in over a month, but at the same time I think 'no! don't let those freaking AAs win because you know it will be your fault in their eyes' That's how I see AA these days, always the newcomers fault, no matter what the issue I'm on the pity pot, or I'm not grateful, or I'm not turning it over.. all these statements that I loved one month ago are just daft to me now. Feel like I'll never be better so what's the point?

Mark1014

Congratulations on your three months! I am happy for you...and a bit jealous. I've made it two days though, and that's more than in a long time.
When my mind is boiling, I generally do better to try and put the issue out of my mind until morning....my perspective is often better then. Easier said than done I know. Again, congratulations on three months sober and hope you keep adding to it!

least

What else are you doing in your life besides just staying sober? Is your life interesting? Maybe you could take up a hobby. Something to pass the time.

Jupiters

good for you for posting and not drinking!
I'm just over 4 months now and feeling pretty irate and frustrated lately myself. Make sure you're taking care of you. Never mind what other people say/think/do...you're in charge here. Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day.
I have to remind myself it's OK to feel all the feelings I have, good and bad. We've repressed them all for so long, it can be hard to know what to do with them. Breathe. and just don't drink. It will pass.

2muchpain

Your post reminded me of why I don't depend on other people for my sobriety Personally, I can see why you are upset with your sponsor. You have a right to feel the way you do. The big question is, how are you going to deal with those feelings because not addressing them could eventually lead to you making bad decisions (been there many times). Gives your AV an opportunity to mess up all the great work you have done.
Talking with your sponsor would be the best thing you could do if you are comfortable with that. The important thing is that you get it out, because those feelings tend to build on themselves till eventually you end up giving up on AA, and decide to numb those feelings, than you got to start all over again. Been there, done that many times. You might want to bring your concerns up in a meeting without mentioning your sponsor. If she's there, she'll probably catch on to what you are talking about. Many people end up with misgivings about AA. Some stuff it and leave, others put it out there and get through it.
Good luck. John

MB8

I think that many of us alcoholics drink for one reason. To numb any emotions that we may not want to face. Wether it insecurity, jealousy, shyness etc etc etc. I know I did. I couldn't talk to girls in bars sober, but put a few drinks in me and watch out. I struggle with insecurities and alcohol definitely helped with that. It sounds to me like you may just want to temporarily numb the feelings you are having. That will help to mask them in the short term but I promise they will be there 5 fold when you wake up. Is it worth it. Is she worth it? Definitely not. I personally think you may just be reading to far in to it and I'm sure it's not that she doesn't like you. Maybe someone else just needed a little more help at that one instance. Get some rest and wake up with a clear head and I'm sure it will all work itself out.

luvmygirls

Congratulations on 3 months! That's a great accomplishment. I can relate to feeling irritable and even irrational. I think you can only take things at face value and focus on the steps and your recovery. I hope your winning streak continues.

Dee74

I three three months is a difficult time...it's long enough to forget the horror of drinking a little but not quite long enough to lose all the alcoholic thinking, or to see the full range of benefits of sobriety.

Take a deep breath and think about things. 'Letting the AAers win'? feeling resentful cos someone didn't acknowledge you? not ringing people for help?

that's all old behaviour - it's behaviour and feelings we indulge because more often than not they led us to a reason to drink.

You don't need a reason anymore. You're a non drinker

Go and round around the block or punch a pillow - get rid of the resentment - and then phone your sponsor

You've come so far...don't start walking backwards now

D

Anna

Congratulations on 3 months sober.

I agree with Least and wonder if you have been able to make any other changes in your life or added things that you enjoy? Balance is really important for me in recovery.

CindyO

Lyrichhi,

I'm 7 days in...again. I felt the same way. We are vulnerable and feel things really deeply. Really sensitive to "perceived" slights. I've been there. I went to my first meeting six months ago where I "felt" like it was a High School Clique. I walked out after five minutes. And I was angry. But it is our perception! You don't sound ridiculous. I went to another one where they were awesome and welcomed me. But I haven't been to an AA meeting for a few weeks and not planning on going back. It does help people and I bet if you or I had walked up to one of those people they would have embraced us and welcomed us. Hard to do when you are so fragile and I never did. I came in late and walked out early. My one and only sponsor had 20 years and I sat with her and read the first two steps. Wonderful woman but I couldn't relate. I'd love to have 20 years, or 3 months! Good for you! Anger and resentment are understandable. Arghh!!!! Pity pot is ok. I went to the pity pot the other day when I declared I wanted to be a normal drinker in five years. And I also declared I'd label myself a non-drinker....not an alcoholic. I've been lying to myself for many years.

I hate this statement but I am starting to embrace it (yay - I am so smart after 7 days!) You are in charge of your own life! Others aren't. Easier to say rather than do. We'll get there eventually.

Bailey3

Like Jupiter's said good for you for posting and not drinking. Just ride the emotions out and let them be what they are. Don't do what I did and, start drinking. You'll feel horrible about it tomorrow. Hang in there.

sprout50

If your sponser isn't a good match, can you get another one? Whatever you decide about AA, 3 months is a big accomplishment. Don't let these feelings derail you.

Rina

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I'm at 4 months and I just posted the other night about how I feel more resentful and depressed lately with AA and my sponsor. All I know is that my emotions have sabotaged me in the past and I have to put faith in the process because it's not worth jeopardizing my recovery. I actually was having a pity party for myself the other night and I decided to call another lady on my phone list (something I would have never done but my sponsor suggested I do while she was out of the country) and this woman turns out to live one street over from me so we spent the whole evening drinking coffee and just hanging out! It was really rewarding. I had been brooding for days and thought phone lists were pointless but I got out of my head and reached out and it paid off. If I could only continue to practice this principle....I hope you feel better! Try to push past the negativity. We all need to as we battle our AV.

Fly N Buy

You sound perfectly normal to me! I went through the exact same feelings at AA - earlier than 90 days, but same. Hated my sponsor - was really pissed at him!

What steps have you done?? I needed to get to step 4 quickly and it helped a ton to recognize it's not them it me! In fact I wrote it on a note and put it on the mirror.


One lesson always - just don't drink. Your body, mind and soul are in regeneration and fighting. Don't let your mind take away your hard work. Keep on truckin.

Do you listen to any speakers on youtube? Try a couple - helped me a lot listening to some that made me laugh at myself. Try Earl H - http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=js4ZR1bu6DI

Hang in there - you are soooo worth it!!!

Lyricchi

Thanks so much for your words - you saved me! I was able to go to sleep sniffly but sober, and God, I feel different this morning. Off to work before I'm late, but I WILL call my sponsor today.

Jupiters

good to hear Ly - hope today is a better day!
*touches fist*
you didn't drink. that is AWESOME.