SoberLife2014

I'm writing this not only for my self, but in hopes that maybe it'll help someone who is considering moderation.

First, let me start off by telling you what happened last time I tried to moderate. After everything I had been through I still thought that maybe it'd be OK to drink, as long as I moderated and kept in under control. I had been sober for 3 months and all I wanted was to relax a little. The last time didn't work because I drank too much. I won't do that this time. I started off with the idea and agreement that I'd only have one glass of wine and I'd sip it. I'd pace myself. I bought the wine and had my first sip. That sip didn't do anything so I decided to have another sip. Before I knew it, I had drank a generous glass of wine. There was no relaxing about this. I may as well have drank a glass of water. To make a long story short, I ended up drinking the entire bottle in less than an hour. I wrote in my journal "Euphoria. This is why I drink. Only a little while ago I was a mess and now I feel so relaxed". Then the frenzy began. I was out of wine. Now what? What goes up must come down and I was coming down off my buzz. I'm hardly even buzzed, and the gas station is so close. I know I shouldn't drive, especially with my baby in the car, but I feel absolutely fine. "Probably more clear minded than if I hadn't drank" I tell myself. I get ready to load up the baby, and thank goodness hubby comes home. I think now is when I really start to feel the effects of the wine because the rest of the night is pretty patchy. I remember telling my husband that I was going to take a nap, and he replied "Yeah, you seem pretty out of it". Instead of taking a nap my sister calls and I proceed to complain about something my husband did loud enough for him to hear me. He takes the baby and leaves. I feel terrible. My intoxicated mind blows everything out of proportion. I think "I don't deserve to live". Now I'm too drunk to drive to the gas station, and I'll surely get caught if I do. I should have just bought 2 bottles of wine! Hubby comes home and I apologize profusely. It's now time to go to bed and I'm exhausted anyway. I sleep for 2 hours and BING wide awake. Heart is racing. I start trying to remember everything that happened that night. I think about how I almost drove with my baby after drinking a bottle of wine and the consequences that could have happened. I think about the fight. I think about how I contemplated suicide. I think about how I almost got caught and the consequences I could have faced for that. I thought about how I had lost control. I can't remember anything else. Did I even eat dinner? I didn't sleep the rest of the night. I felt like hell the next day. Where I used to be able to drink 2 bottles of wine, 1 bottle of wine did this to me. What happened? I was just going to have a glass of wine and relax...

From my very first drink I have enjoyed a buzz. I become euphoric. It feels so good that I'll stop at almost nothing to keep it going. Because, like I said, what goes up must come down. I won't lie, that state of euphoria is wonderful. It's what gets me every time. However, I can't get there unless I drink a substantial amount now. My tolerance went up because of my alcohol abuse. Not only that, but it seems to take longer to kick in. By the time it kicks in I will have already drank too much. By that time my inhibitions are out the window. The cravings become unbearable. I HAVE to have more and if I don't get it then it puts me in a very. bad. mood.

So, when I moderate, 3 things can happen:

1) I manage to moderate but I don't get a buzz. The next time I drink I drink until I get a buzz and therefore drink too much.

2) I don't moderate at all. I let my inhibitions go and I give in completely.

3) I somehow manage to moderate AND get a buzz. It's successful until I start to need more to get a buzz.

I know everyone is different, but I have to get a buzz. I can't just drink alcohol and not enjoy any effects from it. Pardon the analogy, but that's like getting laid and not getting the big O out of it. But since my tolerance is so high because I have abused alcohol so many times, I simply can't get a buzz until I've already gone beyond moderation.

I could even make a case to try moderation like I've seen so many do before. I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't require detox, never mind the shakes. I only drank on the weekends, usually. I was young, I'm much more mature now. Besides, Gerard Depardu drinks 14 bottles of wine a DAY, I'm not that bad. Lots of people drink 2 bottles of wine, and besides, I drank them over several hours. WRONG.

Either I get drunk, or my moderation eventually leads to getting drunk. When I get drunk I do stupid things and I threaten to ruin my life and other's lives too. Therefore, 1 glass of booze = life down the toilet for Lulu. Moderation is impossible for me.

MarathonMan

Couldn't have put it any better....exchange wine for beer and I could have wrote that....good post.

PurpleKnight

That sums up my position too!! . . . for me moderation may work for a day, but then it opens up the floodgates the next time, and within a week I'd have spiralled back to my old ways!!

Nice post!!

Meraviglioso

Great post Lulu, I'm so glad you recognize this and that you reminded the rest of us why moderation just doesn't work for us.

SoberLeigh

Fantastic post, Lulu.

Wharf Rat

Every time I drink the craving kicks in and I don't stop until I black out. So moderation is very rare.

When I do moderate it infuriates me because I am not drinking how I want to drink, which is until I blackout!

Nothing made me more irate than when my wife would shut me down after a beer or two because we needed to go to bed, or catch a movie. No, once I start I'm in it all the way. Abstinence is my only defense. Good topic

Alynn

Exactly!!!! Switch wine to beer also for me. You nailed it! So good to read others posts that relate ! It reminds me not to goo back to that dark place.. Thank you so much!!! I'm 31 Days in and my mind keeps saying "don't you just won't to relax". I do not wont the torment that comes with alcohol though!!!

I can do all things through he who strengthens me

Travellinggirl

Crikey. That is exactly how I am. It's scary isn't it what we have put ourselves and loved ones through by taking silly choices

alphaomega

Perfectly stated for this wino too. Excellent post and thank you !

I swear, the last time I drank, I was NOT drunk acting or feeling. I pounded two bottles of wine and debated about opening the third.

But the next day, the night before was completely gone after about 9:00 pm. Gone from my memory. Like it never existed.

GentleSoul

Thank you so much Lulu for telling us your story. I definitely relate to this notion of "an inability to moderate". And the chain reaction of events which will occur which when I look back at seem devastating. The euphoria you speak of.....yes, I have that too and the major downward spiral my life takes afterward. Such a roller coaster ride. It is ....So not worth the buzz.

Mags1

Thanks, Lulu. A good reminder for us.

Soberwolf

Thank you lulu

Anna

Good post, Lulu!

lynx914

Loved this post!! That's exactly how it goes for me. One is never enough once I get that feeling of euphoria.

And then the whole cycle begins. Great post Abstinence is the only way forward for me, good to know i'm not alone.

james186

Great post, it sounds so familiar. The only way I can moderate is if I drink that slowly I don't get a buzz going. IF I can actually do that in the first place, which is VERY rare.

Hawks

Well said

Hevyn

Oh yeah - definitely sounds familiar. Moderation is impossible for me too - and always was. Wish it hadn't taken me 20+ years to admit it. Thank you for a valuable post Lulu.

SoberLife2014

Thanks for the feedback everyone Glad to see I'm not the only one with this issue

Dee74

Thank you for this Lulu

D

luvmygirls

This really resonated with me. Thank you.
But since my tolerance is so high because I have abused alcohol so many times, I simply can't get a buzz until I've already gone beyond moderation.