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Coming clean

Old 10-01-2014, 06:08 AM
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Coming clean

I drank wine last night. Didn't even get thru day 2!

Trigger: my brother

Brief back story (very condensed): he thinks I killed my mother. I took care of her in her final months (moved her in with me) but she ended up dying shortly after moving in (within 4months). Brother literally says I killed her by moving her across country to live with me.

Incident last night: brother leaves nasty voicemail. He was drunk as usual.

My reaction: initial anger, but quickly turned to sadness and feelings of despair.

Coping mechanism: get a bottle of wine

Followup this morning: still very sad with a nice layer of guilt on top.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:16 AM
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Well, you know how to avoid that layer of guilt that drinking brought now.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:18 AM
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Recovery is learning to cope with the "brothers" of the world, or despair, or whatever other reason we use to drink, without alcohol. Since your brother isn't going to change, you need to work on a plan to deal with him and your sadness...sober.

Keep trying, you'll figure it out.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:20 AM
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Well, then Art, you were BOTH drunk at the end of it. And did that help? I doubt it.

You can't change what people think, all you can do is control yourself.

While it's too bad your brother thinks that, is drinking wine changing how he feels about it? No. Aren't you just hurting you? Yes.

Perhaps the next time you know it's your brother leaving a nasty voicemail that will make you feel bad, hit "delete" and don't listen to it.

Hugs.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:25 AM
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Lesson learned. I have a brother who called this week-end because he was being evicted immediately for a kitchen fire the night before started somehow by his drunken roommate. I did not answer the phone because my sober brother had called 5 min. earlier to give me the heads-up. Yes, I love my derelict brother. No, I cannot let him stay in our home. My wife and I have been sober almost 4 months and are not in best shape financially. We have 3 daughters (homework, soccer, band) so it's a no-brainer but I feel like I'm letting him down. Sobriety comes first here and changes the "blood-thicker-than-water" credo we've always honored. Anyhoo, get back on that horse--we're going for a ride and would like you to join us.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:29 AM
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Thanks everyone. Yes, I know INTELLECTUALLY that I should not drink because of (insert reason here) BUT (big but) it's as if my EMOTIONS take control of my rational mind and obliterate any form of reasoning. Not an excuse, just trying to figure it out.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:34 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
...my EMOTIONS take control of my rational mind and obliterate any form of reasoning.
Your ADDICTION takes control of your mind. Alcohol addiction.
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:11 AM
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I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. God bless you for caring for her during her final days. I know how difficult that is to do. It is immensely stressful and difficult to do any form of self care during that time. Please cut off your brother for some time while you have time to heal from all of that and get some sober time under your belt. Be selfish about this. YOU need to come first now.
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:12 AM
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I have learned a trick of dealing with drunken, nasty people. I don't take their calls when they are drunk. I delete their voicemails and emails without reading or listening to them. They are talking nonsense and probably won't remember what they said or did anyway. (I know this from experience, sadly.) Anyway, it took me a long time to understand that allowing other people's abuse to me, is just another form of self-abuse. When you stop self-abusing yourself with alcohol, you will get less tolerant of other people abusing you. Try it earnestly. It will change your life.
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:15 AM
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I can relate in sense that my brother and I do not get along at all. He is currently taking care of our mother who is partially crippled.

You know in you heart you did everything you could for your mom.

Hope you feel better soon!
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
BUT (big but) it's as if my EMOTIONS take control of my rational mind and obliterate any form of reasoning. Not an excuse, just trying to figure it out.
Have you read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle?

I also thought my emotions controlled my life, hence, I would drink in reaction. Through Tolle, I learned that they do not control me, they are just feelings. I can feel them, recognize them for what they are and let them go.
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:18 AM
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Today is a new beginning. The key is to not drink for yourself. Congratulations to all the milestones out there celebrating one month, one year, what ever number it is, they are all important, but not as important to making it through the day. You cannot let family or any other outside force change the course for what you know is the best options for you. Only you can not put that glass of wine to your lips. It can be done, you can do it.
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:31 AM
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My family can also be big "triggers" but..well, dealing with the discomfort of feelings is what sobriety is all about. Given you lost your mom and well, your brother is discharging his own pain by "blaming" you (unrealistically at that)..well, ya ..everybody's emotional here and it's a loaded subject.

You have to come to the decision you are going to deal with the emotions by whatever means possible if you are going to sober. Triggers happen...all the time. We put together sobriety by dealing with them...one at a time.

You can do this if you decide you are going to face each arriving situation...sober.
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Altoids View Post
I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. God bless you for caring for her during her final days. I know how difficult that is to do. It is immensely stressful and difficult to do any form of self care during that time. Please cut off your brother for some time while you have time to heal from all of that and get some sober time under your belt. Be selfish about this. YOU need to come first now.
Sobriety is probably one of the most selfish things you will ever do for yourself. And it has to be for you, and nobody else, because if you aren't Sober, then you won't be there for anyone else.

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Old 10-01-2014, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Altoids View Post
I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. God bless you for caring for her during her final days. I know how difficult that is to do. It is immensely stressful and difficult to do any form of self care during that time. Please cut off your brother for some time while you have time to heal from all of that and get some sober time under your belt. Be selfish about this. YOU need to come first now.
Thank you! It sounds like you have been there yourself. I never dreamed how stressful care taking can be! In addition, I had no help from anyone, not even my brothers. So it took a giant effort. But, I would never have left my mom to live alone thousands of miles away in a house she could not manage. And I would never put her in a facility. But, that is not the point I guess.

It is hard for me to take care of my emotional needs. I feel selfish doing that. Was brought up to deny yourself and help others. And I try to help people, including my brother. He has been a long time alcoholic who has destroyed his life and is now drinking himself to death. He wants to die and has stated so many times. I can't help him, although I have tried many times over the years.

One thing my mom said before she passed away is that I should take of my brother when she is gone. How?? I think he has alcoholic psychosis which is why he thinks I killed my mother.

So the question is this: how does one start to take care of themselves when all of their life they ignored their needs and put others first?
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Have you read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle?

I also thought my emotions controlled my life, hence, I would drink in reaction. Through Tolle, I learned that they do not control me, they are just feelings. I can feel them, recognize them for what they are and let them go.
No...haven't read that one yet. I will check it out! Thanks!
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:46 AM
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My X has some family that blame he and his sister b/c they were the ones faced with the awful choice to have to turn off their mother's vent. She was having major organ failure and likely would not have made it, and definitely would never have become conscious again.

His crazy aunts blame them, bad mouth them, make up lies, it's horrible. The ICU actually had to have them escorted out of the hospital by security. Point being, my X and his sister had to literally cut out all contact w/them. The pain of the loss is so much already, to have someone blame them is too much.

I hope you evaluate your relationships and if someone is being toxic to you, which clearly threatens your sobriety at this point, cut them off and don't listen to what they have to say. I am so sorry for your loss. The best gift you could give to your mother and yourself is your sobriety.
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:58 AM
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It sounds like you grew up with very few boundaries and a lot of enmeshment. I did, too. Do a lot of reading on boundaries, codependency and toxic relationships. That being said, the number one thing to do is to focus on getting sober. Make that number one above all else. By physically taking care of yourself, you will naturally gravitate towards taking care of yourself all f the way around. Fake it until you make it.
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Old 10-01-2014, 08:00 AM
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Taking care of and putting the needs of others first is a very kind and noble thing. However, you need to take care of yourself first. If you don't eventually you will completely self destruct and, then you won't be able to help others. It seems you've made the decision to get better. I think getting yourself in a better place will ultimately be the best thing you can do for others. Be selfish for now, put yourself first and, get better.
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Old 10-01-2014, 08:00 AM
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Hopeful - Thank you and you made a great point. My mother would not have wanted me to become an alcoholic. And you are right sobriety is a gift. It's just so damn hard to achieve!

I think I saw your X's family in the hospital when I was visiting my mom. LOL. My extended family all live over a 1000 miles away so they were never an issue in the daily care. But, they sure have turned on me since mom died. They aren't as overt as my brother, but they infer and imply that she would have been better had she gone to live with one of them! THEY would have saved her you see. I was selfish for thinking I could assume such a load. They even went as far as buying as buying a burial plot for her at the church she never attended!! And the anger they have towards me includes the fact that I am keeping my mom's cremains. She wanted to be cremated (check), she wanted me to take care of her cremains (check), and she wanted to be with me at the end of her life (check).

I don't understand how people can be so short-sighted, mean and just awful.
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