Sasha4

I need some help.

At the moment in my life, I really don't see the point in anything I do.
Almost like 'is this all I am here for?'

I work full time, I am single, I have a 4 year old.

I just seem to work, look after my child, then sleep.
I get enjoyment from my daughter but nothing else.

I spent **% of my time on my own.
I can't blame anyone else, I don't really make plans with friends.
A lot of my friends have kids the same age so time without kids is not easy.
Some of them are so rigid where their child's routine is concerned, its not worth asking if we can get together as plans will be dictated by their child's bedtime, their meals, their nap.

I could take myself to the cinema maybe, as another example, to have a change of scene, but again its just a way of making daily life a bit more interesting.
If I did not have my daily life, there would be no need to plan stuff like that.

I come home to an empty house every night.
If I try to do or plan something enjoyable, its not for me, its for my daughter.
Why does it matter if I am entertained?
It does not stop the daily grind.
Life seems like an endless routine of work, sleep, cook meals etc etc.

It feels like sometimes I live this existence so I can have an annual holiday in the sun.
Is the year round slog really worth it for the pittance of holidays we get when we conform to society and work and school?

I just see my function or role in life to work is to look after my daughter, pay my bills, cook meals and work so it all runs smoothly.

Everything feels like such hard work too.

I just don't see the point in why I am here. Why any of us are here.

Its so hard to explain too.
An example might be starting a new hobby. Use painting as an example. So I do painting and I am okay at it. What would have been the point in doing it? To me it would just be a way of killing some time other than sleeping, cleaning or working.

I don't know if my thoughts are bordering on strange or dangerous.
For example I am helping my daughter to read at the moment. I can't help but think if we all were no here, there would be no need to learn to read.
And she is going to learn to read and all the other things they do at school, so eventually she can have the same existence as me.
I feel bad for even thinking that.

I work to live in a house I don't really want to live in.
My daughter has started school and it feels like the freedom we had before is gone. I feel I am dictated to by school hours and holidays.

Its like I everything I come across or am presented with I just want to end with a big 'so what?'
Like so what someone is training to be a doctor. If we all were not here, there would be no need for doctors.
Or so what it is someones birthday. If none of us were here, there would be no birthdays and there would be no need to make anyones birthday special.
Or even if someone is lonely, it is a huge waste of time feeling like that as that lonely person is only going to have the daily rigmarole we all face.

I do feel angry, sad, lonely, negative and irritable at the moment and thats the only explanation I have for my strange thoughts.

Whats wrong with me?

PurpleKnight

Sasha, out of everyone here on SR, I look forward to when you post!!

Sometimes I wonder about that same question, I live alone, I have no kids, and so what's the point? what really am I doing here? why take up the space?!!

But I also sometimes think, well maybe it's about what I can give to others, I go to work, I put in a working day, and at the end of it, if I died tomorrow, no one would really give a stuff, but then I come home and I post here on SR and maybe that means something to someone somewhere in the world, you know that proverb of a butterfly spreading it's wings and causing a hurricane on the other side of the world, well maybe that really happens.

I'm not too sure on the answer, why do I get up each morning? who am I living for? what am I living for? I could have checked out long ago, alcohol would have put an end to PK many years ago, but something inside me said otherwise!!

Maybe there's something more, something outside of ourselves, your daughter sounds like a great reason, but also all of those people that you give something back to here on SR!!

I don't think there's anything wrong with you Sasha, I go through those same thoughts now and again, but there is hope in this world, we can find happiness and potential in our journey!!

Anna

I'm sorry that you are feeling so low, Sasha. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your dr. It could be that you're depressed and that medication would help. There was a time when I had similar thoughts to yours and I finally got properly treated for depression. The antidepressants level the playing field for me.

Sasha, I would also add that being a Mom is the hardest job ever.

Bruno1979

Hi Sacha,

Sorry you're feeling down,

What you've just described is basically life in general and it's the same for most people, well it is for me certainly.

You just need to approach life in a different way of thinking. It's easier said than done I know that. You've got a child who no doubt adores you, a job and a house . They're 3 great things for a start.

Do you have any close family who can help to look after your daughter occasionally so that you can have a bit of "you time"?

The world is a big place,

Make new friends, enjoy life and enjoy time with you're little one.

Enjoy the challenge,

Bruno.

ScottFromWI

I feel the same way sometime Sasha - although I am married to a wonderful wife and have 3 kids, some days it seems like literally all i do from the time the alarm goes off until my head hits the pillow is survive. I find that gratitude is a must....my "coping" mechanism used to be drinking of course. Now I accept that certain parts of life are simply hard, and that life is just going to be that way sometimes.

You could absolutely be suffering from depression or some other ailment too, so please do seek help in that are if you can.

And don't forget we're always here!

Gottalife

In rare spells of sobriety during my drinking days, I felt like this nearly all the time. Life had no real purpose or meaning for me, it seemed such a drag to have to conform, have a job, pay rent, cook clean, day after day to what end? Sometimes I could escape in a book.

My worst experience was after a 10 week rehab for alcoholism. The last few weeks I couldn't even get out of bed, I just gave up trying. I was about five months sober the time a nurse from the rehab called to check on me. His report, which I saw a few years later, described my living conditions as absolute squalor. That was me sober under my own steam, absolutely miserable. And that was the general problem I had with sobriety( or life for that matter), there was nothing attractive about it that I could see.

Of course the doctor immediately diagnosed depression and prescribed a solution in a bottle. It didn't work and I believe it didn't work because depression wasn't my problem.

So I drank again, and at least temporarily, the problem was fixed. While alcohol was in my system I felt half ok. It filled the hole in my soul, it treated the spiritual malady from which I was really suffering. But even alcohol stopped working and then I was really in a bind. When even alcohol would not relieve the symptoms.

The real problem for me was much as you describe. I now think of it as a spiritual malady because I found a spiritual solution for it. The more psychology oriented AA members would have described my condition as untreated alcoholism which I suppose makes some sense. I had removed the booze but not dealt with any of the underlying causes. My life today is immensely rewarding and satisfying in a way I never dreamed possible. There is a solution, probably more than one, but it seems to require us to work for it.

Natom

I used to say I hated routine. I still hate routine. I get up at the same time every morning, go to work, come home, eat, use and sleep. But I still get up every morning and you gotta be grateful for that.

airwick

Sasha: Ditto--but not a 4 year old girl, a 12 year old boy. No job, but a house I want to keep. Different situations yet the same

I find my happiness in staying sober. I'd rather be struggling and sober, then the perfect world yet drunk. Yet, it still wouldn't be perfect because I would be drunk!

I've been writing so much today that I'm not even making sense to myself

Soberwolf

Sasha im sorry the mundane is getting to you sometimes i feel like this

How long have you been feeling like this Sasha ?

Do you think its a lack of romance or possible depression ?

Either way i send lots of hugs your way and hope you feel a bit better soon

Carlygirl

Your thoughts are not strange or dangerous and better still you have shared them and asked for help.

I wonder how long you have been feeling this way. If you aren't already seeing the GP about this, then you should. A visit to the GP doesn't need to mean treatment or referral. It can be used to monitor your mood over a course of a few appointments and treatment commenced if necessary during the monitoring period. This can be really useful for people who live alone and don't have others they share how they are feeling.

Could you share how you are feeling with one of your friends? Open up and let them know you need some adult only company.

I see the point in you arranging some pleasureable activities that aren't for your daughter. Ultimately, it will help her to have a mum that is not only a mother, employee and housekeeper, but Sasha. After alot of turmoil in your life, you will be Sasha again.

Stayingsober72

Hi Sasha,

Those are very profound thoughts and I can relate. How do we justify or qualify our existence in this world? That's a difficult question. For now, you exist to love and raise your beautiful daughter. I cling to the hope that life will not always be this difficult, that something good is just around the corner. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, we must have hope, or life loses any sense of meaning or enjoyment. You must find something which makes you happy and do it-walking, reading, volunteering. I fight my depression everyday without meds because they make me feel terrible, but I fight the fight because the only alternative is to give up and there's no way I'm going to do that. Just know you are not alone.

celestialwaves

Hello Sacha,

I have no answer to all the questions you have asked, it is a question I have asked myself and I'm sure many others have asked it as well. Many people fail to find an answer to the question you asked, but it's the people who find an answer to the question who are the ones to look for some inspiration not for their answer, but if they can find an answer then that can be inspiration to find one which will fit you.

When it comes to your loneliness, I believe that is an area that you can do something towards. It's really important to do something you are interested in and are able to meet others you can converse with outside of employment and motherhood.

awuh1

Dee posted an article yesterday about boredom, with the following description,
"a powerful and unrelieved sense of emptiness and isolation in which an individual feels a persistent lack of interest in and connection to his circumstances’. In its extreme form, it is closely akin to depression and can drive people to despair."

This struck me more as a description of a spiritual condition than a description of severe boredom. In any event, your post reminded me of it.

What's the point?

I think the point is to live life for reasons other than ourselves. IMO that's the key.

You said that your child is the bright spot in your life. I don't think that's an accident. Focus more on what you can bring to the world and less on what you can take from it and happiness will generally be the byproduct. Even so, don't act for this result, but for the principle involved.

Dee74

Hi Sasha

I think most of us can identify - I know I can.

Maybe a visit to the Dr might help tho - there may very well be physical reasons for you feeling so low?


D

DoubleBarrel

Sounds like the thinking of an alcoholic to me.

I try, really try with this. Exercises in gratitude help. Meetings help.

Maybe its a touch of depression, maybe its poor me thinking, maybe its just that I always used booze to liven things up, but I certainly relate.

The reality is that much of life certainly can be mundane.

Right now, Im struggling financially, and when I read your post, I thought, wow, I certainly would be happy to have a job to go to where i got a regular paycheck.

Not saying that you dont have a right to feel how you are, just that an adjustment of perspective might help.

Try making a list of all the things you are grateful for. Think of those less fortunate.

Give some love to that little one. You are here for her now. REALLY HERE. And thats a huge blessing. There are people who would literally kill to be with their child tonight, just reading a book, talking, eating a meal.

Sasha4

Thank you all.
I'm glad you don't all think I am a lunatic!

I have a trip to the doctors planned soon.
My GP's are very cost conscious in what they prescribe and they have stopped my medication for depression a few months ago.

I'm also tired and have some other health problems dragging on which make me feel down, like I could sleep and wake up in June.

What I am really grateful for is having my virtual home/drop in centre here at SR, with 24 access and listeners ready to respond.

I spend a lot of time on my own.
I work on my own, live on my own with my 4 year old, have no family close by.
I have a lot of time to think.
I can be in my car driving and the only thing that gets me through is knowing I can arrive home, shut the door and come here.
Its like a big sigh of relief as soon as I click on the google search and the bright lights of sober recovery forum come up on my laptop.
It helps because some thoughts I don't want to voice.
I'm scared of the reaction I might receive.
Knowing I can voice them here, makes life bearable but I don't want to sound dramatic. I have tons to be grateful for.

Dee74

You are always welcome here Sasha
I'm glad you sound a little better today

Good luck with the GP

D

MythOfSisyphus

I'm in the US so I don't know what resources are available there. Do I understand you correctly that your GP discontinued your depression meds due to cost? If so are there generic versions or similar scrips s/he could prescribe? It seems odd that a doctor wouldn't try to help find some option to keep you on meds that you may need.

There's nothing freaky or unusual about your thoughts. To some degree I think most everyone has those things sometimes. But the intensity of the feelings and the frequency of them might be a sign that you need to look at some kind of meds or treatment.

I don't know if it helps or not, but I try to be "mindful" and in the moment. Even being "bored" is a gift since you can only be bored while you're alive. The feelings you're feeling right now are just the moment. In another moment you'll feel differently. That trapped feeling is real but it's not necessarily accurate; you do have means to change your situation. And even without a deliberate attempt things will change. As your wee one gets older things will change. Your life will change.

I forgot how long you've been sober? It's around 2.5 years isn't it? That's a lot to take in. I'm coming up on two years myself and it's a lot of adjustments and change. And that's without a child! It's reasonable to feel overwhelmed at times. My friends that have kids often feel that way with two parents, grandparents and lots of family to help. It must be a ton of work for you by yourself. As a single guy with no kids I can only imagine what it's like to have a little soul dependent on you. I'm sure it's hard, but I suppose it must be very gratifying, too.

I hope you're feeling better, Sasha!

Nuudawn

Yes..perhaps there is something that a doc may help with...
But I couldn't help thinking that well...we aren't supposed to "do life" alone. Yes, you have your precious daughter...but your spirit needs lightness and laughter and conversation. I really think you need to find ways to connect with others..somehow. I'm not a mom..so I apologize in not knowing how difficult scheduling time for yourself can be. But your life sounds so very unbalanced in that..there is little "for you"...great conversations with friends (ideally of both sexes), great movies, great food, great books...things shared.

One of the reasons I joined a recovery group is I knew how vitally important it was me to find people to connect and do things with. Life is meant to be shared...one way or another.

MythOfSisyphus

Very true. Humans are social animals, Sasha. There has to some way to widen your social circle a little bit. Until you do though you always have us!