BabyJane

I hate that I am back to the beginning but after a relatively short relapse which I did not want to admit was a relapse, I am starting over. I have no desire to go back to meetings as I have had all I can take of uncomfortable / bad experiences for a while (would elaborate, but basically it's predatory behavior and gossip type stuff, which I will get over eventually just not going to expose myself to it right off the bat as I know where that will lead). I still have a sponsor. My husband knows I am struggling but doesn't know details; I try to talk to him but I'm very ashamed so it's tough to be honest. I just told him I am not doing well and need support.

You guys... Wtf is wrong with me that I would toss over a year and a half of sobriety out the window for a few days of getting high on my DOC? Sure it was fun for a second and now I'm back to just hating myself. I can't keep going in this pattern of getting a year or two and then relapsing. I feel like I'm about to loose my mind. I feel like giving up. I'm so so SO SO TIRED.

Anyway, it has taken a lot of courage for me to come back here but I'm back. I will try again. I will do this. If you guys pray please say a few words for me please... Going to begin detox today and I tried yesterday and made it all of 6 hours. Pathetic. I need a miracle. I know if I can get to day 3 or 4 I will be over the worst physically and I can handle it after that, but I have a 1 year old, I work, school, etc... Can't afford to be too sick. Just hoping I can go at a pace that will keep me sane and functioning at some level until I'm out of the woods.

Thanks for listening. Hope everyone is well today.

Anna

Hi BabyJane,

I'm sorry for your situation and your disappointment in yourself. I wonder what were your thoughts before you made the decision to drink after a year and a half of sobriety? Hopefully you can get past this and move on with your recovery. I'm glad you came back and posted.

bunnezjp

"You guys... Wtf is wrong with me that I would toss over a year and a half of sobriety out the window for a few days of getting high on my DOC? Sure it was fun for a second and now I'm back to just hating myself. I can't keep going in this pattern of getting a year or two and then relapsing. I feel like I'm about to loose my mind. I feel like giving up. I'm so so SO SO TIRED."

You're an addict.

But you're not a failure.

Bunnez

Altoids

Praying for you, BJ.

beerbgone

BabyJane I relapsed after 1 year for 3 years and just made it back. Don't beat yourself up so bad. You did it once and you can do it again. That's my attitude anyway.

I'm looking back on the one year of sobriety right now to try an analyze what went wrong. I'm pretty sure I have my finger on it and I won't make that mistake again.

Please pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get going again. What's done is done.

doggonecarl

What do you mean by support?

I am going to generalize here. Often when addicts/alcoholics stuggle, we say we need support, but use it in the most vague terms. Like, "I don't know what it is I want, but if I had it, I wouldn't have relapsed."

So when you tell your husband you need support, are you being specific about what that support entails? Are you sure he's capable of providing that support?

As for why you blew a year + clean...I don't know. I blew five years clean to get high over a weekend while my wife was gone. Why? Cause I'm an addict? Yes, but not totally the reason. I'm an addict who took his eye of the goal, got lax in my recovery. Thought I had that recovery thing down pat. I engaged in the sobriety equivilent of distracted driving. And I crashed.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!!

Willpower only got me so far, support was the key to long term results, don't beat yourself up, addiction is a powerful thing!!

As Carl mentioned, working out the specifics of what support you need may be the way forward, tweaking your plan and making it happen!!

You can do this!!

biminiblue

At least you're back. That in itself is a miracle for which to be very grateful.

Prayers for your continued discernment.

Welcome back

Jupiters

welcome BabyJane
SR is great support if you stick around and use it!

BabyJane

Thank you all so much. I know I definitely need to stop trying so hard to do this on my own. It's my downfall time and time again. My fears of co-dependency and abandonment have made me into a real liar at times and also caused me to isolate to the point of literally not wanting to leave my house, pick up the phone or even answer my mail. It's bad. I don't know what to do; don't know who the hell I am anymore or what I want from life. Addiction seems to have sucked the life right out of me. Even in sobriety I seem to just want to avoid everything. I had surgery recently and after I was given the green light by my doctor to go back to normal everyday activities I continued to stay in bed, alone in the dark, reading to escape. Perhaps that has been the problem. It might be PAWS. I really struggle with depression and it's worse every time I go back out. Eventually this addiction will probably kill me, to be realistic, but I have to fight that for the sake of my family. It would be so easy to just fade away and stop trying... Like I said before, this is beyond exhausting. I'm going to have to find whatever it is that motives me and go after this with a more open mind and open hands when I need help. Thank you all again for being here when I needed you.

luvmygirls

BabyJane, I'm so sorry you feel this way. There are a lot of people who want to support you. Please keep posting.

Soberwolf

You were sober for over a year and a half that is inspiring

really really rooting for you

MythOfSisyphus

Sobriety isn't a single event but a lifetime commitment, BabyJane. But while a relapse is never a good thing you had a lot of sober time and you're committed to fixing it and getting sober. That is a good thing!

As doggonecarl says, it's easy to get distracted and make a bad choice. Even after years of being clean and sober. I occasionally have the impulse but I have never acted upon it because for me there would never be a "just this once." I was very lucky to have managed to quit once- having to do it a second time would be pushing my luck.

Sadly you now have to do it a second time. But now you know what it takes and what you have a stake. You can do it, BabyJane!

Dee74

I'm sorry you're struggling but it's good to see you back Jane
Have you seen a Dr recently?

I'm not a medico but I know from my own history that often fatigue and depression can be triggers for drinking...but they can also be signs of something physically or medicallly wrong?

D

HaveADay

I will echo what everyone else has already said. You're welcome here and although relapse is difficult and disheartening, you can move past it with honesty, accountability and surrender to recovery. You've done it before so you know the drill!

I have found that if I'm not taking care of my body, I do drift toward "wanting" a drink. I found that years of alcohol abuse left me pretty malnourished and deficient in a lot of vital nutrients. My doctor put me on a pretty intensive vitamin / supplement regiment for a few weeks until my body leveled out and I had normal amounts of what I needed for my body to function normally and my mind to think clearly. I am so grateful for my doc! It has helped a billion times over!

Feel free to PM me if you want any info on what she gave me!

Wastinglife

It will always be a constant struggle. My doctor is actually a recovering alcoholic for 25 years now and he has told me that a few times over the years he's found himself sitting in his car outside the liquor store before leaving for an AA meeting instead.