ArtFriend

OK, I threw out my alcohol this morning... and I was strong. All of you helped me do that!

So, I am trying to get thru my "drinking period" right now. Usually from 4 to 8 I drink. I am white knuckling it right now. 6:10 pm CST. Prime time. There is a liquor store within 1/4 mile from me.

Here is the deal. I am able to push down all my anger/sadness/anxiety all day long. Anger is the biggie. And then, "after hours" I drink and it abates. I don't even have "hours" now that I am not working.

What am I angry about? Do you have about 3 weeks? LOL! The primary issue is loss. Why did my sister die in a terrorist act? Why did my mother die of a broken heart? Why is my brother drinking himself into a grave? Why is my other brother an arrogant religious zealot who hurts people with scripture? Why are my aunts and uncles disowning me for not having my mother's cremains interred where they want? I can go on forever. Sorry for the rant. You guys are great!!

p.s. Was "unfriended" by my niece on Facebook today. I am too mean to her dad (the alcoholic). In the parlance of 14 year olds - Whatever!

DrunkTx

Hey AF....what are you happy about? I'm pretty happy I changed the tires on my road bike to the Continental Grand Prix 4000 S. Also pretty happy I didn't ruin my Mom's birthday by talking to her with an attitude like I normally do.

Gilmer

I'm sorry, ArtFriend. Venting here is something I never cease to find helpful.

ArtFriend

Good for you. Glad you are happy there drunktx

ArtFriend

Maybe so, Gilmer, but it opens you up to sarcasm as in Drunk Tx

luvmygirls

Why do you want to know about anger?! Huh?! Haha. I don't have a laundry list of "legitimate" reasons for anger, but I could probably come up with something. However, I'm starting to realize it's just me with a short fuse these days. Even if everything was going pretty much my way, I know I could find a reason to be cranky. Is it early sobriety? (I'm only on Day 12) Or is it life on life's terms? Who knows, but one of my main goals for sobriety is to develop coping strategies around this very issue. Hang in there.

DrunkTx

Not sure if you took it the wrong way or not - so just in case, I'm sorry, I meant no offense. I'm also not insensitive to the passing of your loved ones, I certainly can feel and saw your pain. I was there on 9/11 - my office windows blew out, there were remains on my desk chair, and I personally saw people take their own lives jumping out of the tower. In fact, before 9/11, I couldn't stomach a drink to save my life, after 9/11 I could barely keep a hand empty of alcohol. Today I'm almost three years sober, and I am thrilled I can once again change the tires on my bike all by myself, and after what I have been through can still ride a bike.

Sobriety is the key to my happiness, even with all that life throws at me. Be well!

Gilmer

When I had my postpartum depressions, I had a lot of deep-seated anger. I had to get it all out with a counselor before I could move on and start healing.

ArtFriend

I frankly am skeptical of your post here. If in fact you were "there" and there was "remains on your chair" and you saw people leaping to their death, I highly doubt that you would have responded to my post so cavalierly. Sorry, but I call BS

Dee74

I was angry too in the beginning - I think a lot of people are.

I drank for a lot of years to avoid dealing with those emotions - staying sober bought them back and in my face.

I worked at them best I could - I tried to be thankful and grateful for the good things in my life and, over time I changed.

It was a process, it didn't happen overnight - I was 3 or 4 months sober before I realised just how dark my worldview had been for years, even when I was sober.

Sitting here looking back I'm glad I let that anger go.

It was destroying everything good in my life and consuming me from the inside out.

D

DrunkTx

I'm sorry you feel this way. I won't defend myself, as I have no need for that. Hopefully you find peace in your heart. As to your BS fear, my conscience and moral compass does not await your judgment. That is the joy of sobriety, which hopefully you too will come to experience.

ArtFriend

May I ask what you were angry about Dee?

ArtFriend

Amen

Dee74

This is the kind of thing I mean.
I used to call BS on people a lot.

What I was really doing was judging them for not thinking like I did while resenting them for not having the anger I did.

I think you'll have a far easier time of things here if you realise we're all on the same side.

We really do want to help

D

Dee74

I was born with cerebral palsy.

D

VikingGF

Letting the anger go is quite a job, but doing it is critical. You don't have to do it today. I do think trying to find something to be grateful/happy about is important.

ArtFriend

Perhaps I better find another group then because I thought my response was appropriate given the fact that my sister died in the 9/11 attack (pretty horrific) and then I get a response of "what are you happy about.. I changed the tires on my road bike to the Continental Grand Prix 4000 S. Also pretty happy I didn't ruin my Mom's birthday by talking to her with an attitude like I normally do." You don't see that as being sarcastic? And then he says something about remains on his office chair. WTF? How cruel and insensitive! This has nothing to do with my anger, drinking or anything. In any world this is very hurtful. And I don't believe any of it, that is, I don't believe he was there. But who cares anyway.

ArtFriend

You are functioning very well! I admire your strength Dee.

Dee74

I'm really sorry you feel that way AF.

I found my anger really comforting for a lot of years...I used it like a blanket, or a shield.

Every laugh, every pointing of fingers, ever insult, every bit of ridicule, I stored all that up. I got used to it.

The thing is, if you never let it go, there's nowhere for that anger to go but start feeding on you.

I tried drinking on it but the best that did was push it to one side for a while, if I was lucky.
you're right, I did have strength - but I completely forgot that for 20 years.

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone in that way ArtFriend ...but I think if you let yourself be consumed by that anger, you'll be making a tragic thing that much more tragic.

I really hope you reconsider and stick around, but either way I hope you find a healthy way to deal with the baggage you're carrying.

take care,
D

ArtFriend

The original intent of the posting was to talk about why I drink and the anger behind it. It was met immediately with sarcasm. I can handle CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Not smart ass remarks.

These types of forums never work for me. The issues are too involved, the interaction too limiting (90% of communication is non-verbal) and things can easily be misconstrued. I know it your job as a monitor to make things run smoothly on the forum, otherwise there would be chaos. However, in this situation, it is crystal clear to me that I am not going to fit in.