Verte

I found that I needed to really examine my life with alcohol when the opportunity arose. Truly look at at. Face it. Then the intensity of the scary thoughts dissipated until they were just plain-old, boring thoughts with near zero impact (6-months over now and rely on SR and therapist for hard days).

My language involving alcohol needed to change, as well. For example, no 'but's and "I will not drink despite fleeting thoughts of it". Keeping my laptop open and logged into SR throughout my day along with the good, genuinely supportive words from SRers saved my day many times.

Rina

Wow!! Thank you Mariahgayle! I totally get the backpack thing! I actually was fantasizing about disappearing but I knew how much it would hurt my loved ones if I did something like that! Thanks for sharing- I def will PM u in the future! It's crazy how desperate I feel at certain times-especially at night.

roguedreams

Hi Rina.

I cannot relate on the DUI aspect, but I can relate to the feelings of wanting to run away.

I wasn't going to comment because I felt I didn't have anything to contribute, but then your last sentence tugged at me ...

AMEN. What is it about nighttime? I can plug through my day, riding the ebb and flow of my tides, make it through. I might have some rough spots, but I'm alright, for the most part.

But nighttime?! Screw that! It's so difficult sometimes! I do honestly relate to the desperation and feeling of impending doom.

So glad you are here, and going to AA. Those two resources alone have helped me immeasurably.

You are definitely not alone.

Oh, and PS - I love the quotes in your signature!

Rina

I'm so glad you shared Roguedreams! That's why I put myself out there. It helps to know there are people who care who haven't gotten a DUI too! I have to remind myself that even though there are a lot of people who haven't had to go through this situation I shouldn't discount the wreckage that has occurred as a result of alcohol abuse in others lives.
Yes nighttime sucks! Thanks for liking my quotes! Fear does make the wolf look bigger!

Meraviglioso

Rina I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. I know how low thoughts can take you, it is such a miserable feeling to be wallowing in depression and self loathing thoughts. You will get through this though. It will take time but you need to keep your head up, treat yourself respectfully and stay sober.

Rina

Thank you for your kind words

Jupiters

hey Rina and welcome
I can relate 150% to everything you are feeling. I just got my 2nd DUI on Mothers Day weekend in May. My first was about 6 years ago, 2 weeks after I moved home from living in Zurich. If I thought the first one brought me shame and guilt, the 2nd was much much worse. I served 6 weekends this summer in jail for that one. Have to do this mandatory educational course here (Canada)...I'm on probation for a year, lost license for THREE and then have a THREE yr ignition lock requirement. Add body work to my BF's car (I scratched the passenger side door)...let's just say I am financially not great.

BUT. I am 141 days sober. I haven't touched a drop since that weekend. It does get better. I try to keep my eyes on the future and not look back *too* often, although some days are harder than others. I could have been in a much worse situation so I try to just count my blessings.
it's been tough though. I never in a million years thought I would be a person with 2 of those. One was shameful enough. But 2? It's hard to wrap my head around.
*HUGS*

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Rina!! You'll find loads of support here on SR!!

Anna

Rina, I'm sorry for the shame and depression that you're feeling. Hopefully now that it's over, in the legal sense, you can begin to feel grateful. Of course, things could have been so much worse.

I think that alcoholism tries to take everything from us, everything. At this point, you are beginning to move forward. Focus on your recovery and you will be fine.

Rina

Thank you so much for the support everyone! @Jupiters-I can totally appreciate your experience! I was just mourning the fact that I can't travel to Canada for 7 years-I wonder if they will ever amend that law! I do feel a lot better tonight! I am amazed at how few coping skills I possess in sobriety. Going to a meeting helped tremendously. There was another young woman there who shared her story of getting 2 DUI's in the past 6 months and I cried with her. Puts things in perspective. The old me would have curled up in a ball and withdrawn from the world but the me in recovery is reaching out!

kirstensmith

Rina, I had DUIs 10 years ago. (2) within 6 months. I was new to drinking, and had no idea what I was doing. The one was a blind date gone really bad, and the second one was my fault. (Well, both were my fault). They were 10 years ago, and still at times, it feels like it was just yesterday.

After both of the DUIs, I went through all the shame and embarrassment that you probably felt as well. I went through two alcohol assessments, did community service at a Detox Center, and abstained from alcohol two years afterward. Eventually, I picked it up again and was a moderate/social drinker. But over the past year, I have been abusing alcohol again, and am cutting back/quitting/taking it one day at a time.

Anyway, I often think about the financial costs, but I am very grateful that I am the only person I hurt those two dreadful nights. When I was attending classes, we had to watch videos and listen to speakers of people who had killed people during a DUI. It really put what I had done into perspective. I very seldom drink and drive at all any more, and if I do, it's a measured amount of alcohol and a bunch of water and time passes, before my friend lets me get in the car and drive home.

My parents know about my past, and my close friends, but nobody in my extended family knows because of the shame and embarrassment I still feel about it. Anyway, I don't know if sharing my story with you helps at all, but my point is that you are not alone.

There are plenty of dumb people out there who drink and drive all the time and never get caught. Luckily for us, we both got caught and got wake up calls that we needed.

quitforme79

Yup, I have had one. It's what finally got me sober. I was on my own also so getting around was quiet simply hell for the 6 months I lost my license. If you stay sober you will be grateful for this experience. And we both got off easy...didn't kill anyone or ourselves. It gets better, I promise, hugs!

DoubleDragons

I read a wonderful quote on SR the other day that really stuck with me. "What was your best experience? It was your worst experience because it is so convincing." Turn this for good, get a handle on your sobriety and maybe one day you may even consider this a good experience. Hugs.

Rina

Thanks For sharing your stories Kirstensmith and quitforme. It helps to hear of others who have come through it! I will try to hold on to the "best worst" experience because it's true! Thanks Doubledragons. Hugs to u all too!

SoberHoopsFan

The only hope is in sobriety. If you continue to drink or return to it, you will drink and drive again (whether or not you get caught), that is a near certainty. There is no plan of active drinking that can provide the assurance of not drinking and driving.

If you stay sober, drinking and driving will not ever crack your top 1,000 of personal concerns ever again

Jupiters

this is the course that is mandatory in Canada to take after a DUI. It's called Back on Track. It's $578 for a day course that does exercises and makes you watch videos. When I took that course 6 years ago...never in a million years would I have thought I would be taking it AGAIN years later. I haven't enrolled yet ($$$ is a problem) but I have to do it within 3 years. They are talking of upping the price of the course again.

Wharf Rat

I've had a few DUI's and gotten out of a few amazingly enough. The important thing is that you didn't kill anyone, or yourself. Good luck

kirstensmith

I live in the state of Minnesota, and I know they say the average cost of DUI here is $18,000. I know my 2 cost me a pretty penny 10 years ago. I can't imagine what the cost(s) are today. That's interesting about the coursework in Canada.

Jupiters

I haven't added it all up, but it's a sickening amount. I haven't even thought about what my insurance rates will be down the road with 2. I probably never get my own insurance, I'll stay on the BF's. Or - who knows...maybe I just won't ever drive again. I'll cross that bridge in 3 years when I have decisions to make. I could definitely own a nice home though with all the $$$ spent on that.

I could be straight pimpin' in a cool crib fo sho. lol

anattaboy

I can't drive legally til 2014 (FL revoked it forever). I've had 8 I think and am 52. Minor bumps on the road to sobriety. I did not quit til I became violently ill from the first drink in the morning(what a waste!) and a host of other problems that made it pure hell. No license was no big deal to me. Good News: You don't have to do what I did! It's the alcohol!