PurpleKnight

When I first joined SR, I went a full year of going round in circles, it took me a long time to finally crack it!!

So you are definitely amongst people who understand!!

Soberwolf

Good luck

james186

I have had up until very recently the exact same experience. I was single for a very long time and my entire life was based around drinking and going to bars etc. and it was far from being fun. I have social anxiety and have always used alcohol to make social interactions more bearable. In the end though, the alcohol just made things worse; I was behaving like a complete moron when I was drunk, suffering terrible feelings of guilt, shame, humiliation for the things I'd do and the way people saw me (which still happens when I drink and it's affected my relationship I finally found). I ended up alienating a lot of good friends (potential and actual) and attracting the wrong ones. Fortunately I was sober at times, and long enough to make some changes - new hobbies that kept me physically/mentally active etc. which helped me enormously. I was still alone quite a lot of the time whilst pursuing them, but I was happier. I did eventually meet some new people because of them too. It can be a slow process, but one step at a time is how you get anywhere. I just wish I'd started trying to deal with my problems properly a lot earlier; my state of mind would be a lot better now, minus the 20 years of alcohol & drug use and untreated issues.

Don't let the alcohol win. It's not a cure for anxiety or depression and ultimately will make both worse in the long run. I know it's not easy, as I'm still battling with it. I really wish you all the luck in the world.

luvmygirls

You are not alone. We are here for you, and we've been there! RE: anxiety about an AA meeting, I can definitely relate. I'm a fairly confident person, but something about walking in there made me very nervous. The first time, I drove through the parking lot at meeting time and scoped out the people (that's not weird, right?!). The second time, I didn't allow myself to think and simply walked in. As soon as the meeting was over, I walked right out. I think you need to do something bold to get yourself out of this rut. Take care, and hang on.

waterlines

Thank you all so much for the support! Really needed it tonight.

James186 - I totally agree with this. I had kidded myself for a long time that alcohol made me better to be around because at least I wouldn't be making other people feel awkward with my anxiety but then when i met up with someone drunk, after having got on really well with him sober (by text), he now doesn't seem to like me. So I can't even fool myself that I'm presenting a better version of myself anymore. I think it stems from self loathing, along with the ever-present physical anxiety symptoms!

How long have you been sober if you don't mind me asking?

waterlines

Josharon - haha nope that's not weird! I definitely hung around longer than I should before I had the nerve to walk in last time I went. Really hoping I can do it sober next time. Everyone was so nice and I felt guilty for not going back

james186

This time, two days so far (I apologize if I gave you a different impression). I've been trapped in this circle for a few years now, the best I've managed is about two months of complete sobriety. I did go a long time managing my intake and only drinking a couple nights a week. It never works out though and I always end up back where I was this last time - basically drinking very dangerous amounts.

waterlines

Don't apologise! That's my usual pattern too, in fact I'm surprised at myself for being on here tonight cos I'm not at "rock bottom" as grim as I feel. I'll take it as a positive that I am and you should too. Also congratulations on two days!

Wastinglife

Waterlines, you nailed it for me. For years I thought I was charming and fun when I was drunk. When I was in college I may have been, but i wasn't alcoholic at that point. I go out to bars/restaurants slurring my words and barely able to stand. Not realizing how come across as a drunk.

Some old friends avoid me cuz I am such a lush when I drink. I can get loud obnoxious when I drink then get super sloppy and annoying.

waterlines

Yep, I was the same, when I drank in my teenage years I was always proud of the fact that people said "I didn't seem drunk" and the I could always remember what I did. But those days are definitely behind me, not least because of the fact I'm on two different anti-depressants now. I don't know if I'm over analyzing too much but after a lot of thinking, I've started to realise that I care WAY too much about what people think. I'm so desperate to not have people pity me for being anxious that I'll end up drinking way too much and being cocky or bitchy or promiscuous. It's ridiculous.

ps I always like to learn slang from around the world, what does "a lush" mean?

Wastinglife

A lush is someone like me who will drink more and faster than the other people at say a party or something. I was always the drunkest one out of my friends. But as my tolerance increased I began to get more and more intoxicated and would lose control of my actions.

Looking back, I am sure I had social anxiety. I coulnd't socialize without it.

waterlines

I think I have turned my panic disorder into social anxiety by drinking because now any social event makes my stomach turn, unless I know I can drink before and during. I guess I have become a lush too and that's the same for me. I blacked out most of this weekend and I don't even think I wanna know what I did.

pupkin

So sorry to hear you're in pain, waterlines. Just curious to know, did your 28-day stretch of sobriety help improve your self-esteem at all, or in any area? I know you've got some history with depression and anxiety that I presume predate your issues with alcohol, and alcohol helps manage those, though we all know it exacerbates both as well (which is part of what makes it so cunningly evil).

Just wondering if you can think of sobriety as a tool at this point. . .one of the ways you can lift your self-esteem, through the feeling of accomplishment it may give you. Rather than turning to alcohol to soothe the pain of (say) therapy, turn to your sobriety (?)

I know that's oversimplifying and everything is more complicated and connected than that. I just find sometimes it helps me to flip my thinking about something as a way of gaining power over it. But I'm certainly no expert in maintaining my own sobriety. Sincere apologies if I've diminished your situation unintentionally. It's all very easy to say, I know.

airwick

Waterlines:

When I referred to "One on One" I was referring to my x husband (notice how I have to x
a small lower case? lol) He is an alcoholic, and being around that scenario had made me drink more. I have a 13 year old to set an example to. Children learn from what they see.

I hope you have a great Sunday evening.

airwick

waterline:
You had stated that you had needed alcohol to socialize. I think that is how I am most of the time. Maybe that is I seem to always be alone.

At least I am not the lonely drunk----I'm trying to think positive here lol

airwick

Waterlines:

When I referred to "One on One" I was referring to my x husband (notice how I have to x
a small lower case? lol) He is an alcoholic, and being around that scenario had made me drink more. I have a 13 year old to set an example to. Children learn from what they see.

I hope you have a great Sunday evening.

sunnygrl

Just joined this forum tonight and already feeling that contributing to this group will help me to break the cycle.

I was a shy child and started drinking in college to be able to socialize at parties. That party habit continued into adulthood and blossomed into a habit of a couple glasses of wine (or more during certain periods) almost nightly. I am now causing a rift in my marriage and i'm not certain, but by all accounts it looks like I'm pushed some of my newer friends away with my idiocy after I've had too much to drink.

We can beat it - imagine the self esteem we will develop from over-powering this strong hold in our lives.

One of the best things I did for myself years ago while trying to develop different habits was get a dog. They have needs which get you out of the house and are an automatic ice breaker to meet new (sober) people! No dog for years now and habits have gotten out of control...I think it might be time for a new canine friend! Anyone else have experience with pets, hobbies, or other life changes that got them out of a rut?

waterlines

No you haven't, it's true that alcohol has worsened my problems, it's just that recovery seems impossible even in brief periods of sobriety, so I have that f*ck it attitude, if my life's this bad anyway.

Although my self esteem did improve a tiny bit without drinking, mainly because I didn't have to deal with the shame and regret of situations I had gotten myself into whilst drunk.

I think if I could maintain sobriety, I would really feel like I had accomplished something but so far it's just another thing on my list of failures..

waterlines

That sounds like a great idea. I would love to get a pet but I can't cos my brother's allergic and I would hate it if he couldn't come and stay (although sometimes this seems stupid as he doesn't even live in the country!)

I wish that I could find a hobby that I could feel passionate about but so far drinking seems to be the only one I've pursued with any commitment. I occasionally draw or paint but lose interest quickly.