flyaway7

I really don't know where or even how to begin. But I'm looking for support, wisdom, honesty and help in understanding and making a relationship work with a recovering addict. The relationship is semi new and times sometimes seem rough. I support him and am very proud that he is 7 months into his recovery. But he seems closed off from me, doesn't share his emotions or feelings with me, but does with everyone else around him. Am I just being insensitive???

0to60

My son was told not to start any new relationships during his first year of recovery, because he would need that time to figure out who he was and how he was going to work his program of recovery.

What I saw was very interesting because both addiction and early recovery seem to be very self-centered ways to live; thankfully, the latter offers hope.

I was told to work my own program and that's when I found Nar-Anon. If you have a meeting near you, you might want to give it a try.

PickleMan

Are you sure he is still 7 months clean?

I am not one to pass judgement but he is displaying some of the signs of using again and maybe he just feels he cant share his addiction with you and is trying to cope with it without involving you in the process

I only speak because I am going through something very very very very similar right now in my recovery and my relationship

flyaway7

I know they tell people in recovery to avoid relationships there first year and to get a plant. We have discussed this and even stopped seeing one another for a while. We now are living together, some days just seem really hard and there are no Nar Anon groups where I live.

flyaway7

Pickleman, thank you. But I'm positive he is not using. We now live together and he also attends meetings a minimum of 5 per week. I have even attended some as support, but it doesn't seem to help me, very happy to be his suppor but I feel I need support also. Sometimes I find myself an emotional mess

PickleMan

Well that is good he isnt using, that was my primary concern

Only other thing I could recommend is couples therapy. Maybe that would help

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR! I'm both an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codependent with loved ones who are, or were, active addicts.

The first year is rough. It's like you are raw, feelings are coming back and you are realizing how many people you hurt, the damage done, and so on. It's only natural, in my experience to reach out to others who get it.

It's no reflection on you, you simply can't understand what it's like to be an A (alcoholic and/or addict). atmy one year ananniversary, I thought "I've got this, no problem". At my second year, I realized "um, this is going to take longer than I thought".

I learned I had a bigger problem with codependency and spent hours and hours on the F&F forums.

I've now got over 7 years in recovery. I found my step mom dead of an unintentional OD, something I had warned her was coming.

I clung to the great folks here, and the 3 C's - I didn't cause it, I couldn't change her and I couldn't control her addiction.

The best support I had, while in early recovery were the people who loved me. There was going to be NO using, my actions had to support that. I didn't go to meetings, but my loved ones all know of "that recovery thing you're on, on the internet" and they saw that my a turns spoke recovery. Bit by bit, trust was regained.

I had hurt them, I had given them every reason not to trust me. I had to build up trust, and had to explain plain that there were some things only another RA could understand. At the same time, I was dealing with major codependents. I had to set boundaries and they didn't like it. I had to put my sanity and serenity first.

My best suggestion is work on you, let him work on him. When you have the confidence that you will be okay, no matter what, the focus is taken off of him and what he is doing. His actions will speak out for themselves. Right now? He's probably a bit fragile and trying to find out who he is again. Just my experience.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

flyaway7

Amy thank you. I think that your advice and wisdom has helped me understand a lot more. Congrats on 7 years, that's amazing and I pray for the very best for you.

flyaway7

Since there are no Nar Anon meetings in my area, I ordered many pamphlets and books from them. I've always been like the momma bear and always have the need to try and "fix" others, so I've come to understand that I need to work on me...this is what my new goal is.

Advice and stories from everyone on here is amazing and so helpful. What a great group. Thank you all and may your higher power help guide and protect you all.