Hello
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: U.S.A
Posts: 236
Hello
Basically have been self medicating anxiety and low self esteem with alcohol for 4 years.
Girlfriend no longer approves of me drinking due to cruel things I said to her family members when drinking .. never would have considered saying those things sober. She also worries if I keep drinking I will get worse.
Anyway .. she believes I've not been drinking for the past 4 months, when I have really been drinking any time I am alone. From time to time she'd smell alcohol and I'd say I used mouthwash .. she believed me because mouthwash has alcohol in it.
2 nights ago I was drinking a couple of 40s and my father called me .. typically I don't answer when I am drinking or if I do answer I focus all of my attention on sounding as normal as I can.
He asked me if I had been drinking and for some strange reason I just said "Yes" and started rambling about wanting to stop.
Currently finishing day 2 without a drink but I am worried. I think I have only lasted 2 days because I am embarassed that I told him and now proving I am okay .. but I know I am not okay. I drove home earlier after dropping my girlfriend at work and saw all the different stores I buy beer at debated stopping to get some .. but felt like I would be letting him down and also didn't want to use the mouthwash excuse later with the girlfriend.
All fine and good but I know it's only a matter of a short time before these reasons fade and I start craving a drink. When I think of a drink I usually block out the bad history and think of feeling good, sitting at my computer without a care in the world.
But the reality is I only feel good for about 20 minutes .. then I feel drunk and tired, fall asleep .. wake up feeling sick ... drink a lot of water, take ibuprofen .. and try to get myself back together so I look normal for my girlfriend ..
Hard to realize the bad in the moment of a craving ... it's the definition of insanity .. same thing again and again expecting a different result.
Sorry for the rambling .. I'm fine tonight but need a plan. Drinking at every chance and spending the rest of the time wanting a drink is no way to live .. and I'm bound to get in legal trouble .. haven't yet .. but it will happen if I continue..
Thanks, looking forward to reading any responses to my post.
Girlfriend no longer approves of me drinking due to cruel things I said to her family members when drinking .. never would have considered saying those things sober. She also worries if I keep drinking I will get worse.
Anyway .. she believes I've not been drinking for the past 4 months, when I have really been drinking any time I am alone. From time to time she'd smell alcohol and I'd say I used mouthwash .. she believed me because mouthwash has alcohol in it.
2 nights ago I was drinking a couple of 40s and my father called me .. typically I don't answer when I am drinking or if I do answer I focus all of my attention on sounding as normal as I can.
He asked me if I had been drinking and for some strange reason I just said "Yes" and started rambling about wanting to stop.
Currently finishing day 2 without a drink but I am worried. I think I have only lasted 2 days because I am embarassed that I told him and now proving I am okay .. but I know I am not okay. I drove home earlier after dropping my girlfriend at work and saw all the different stores I buy beer at debated stopping to get some .. but felt like I would be letting him down and also didn't want to use the mouthwash excuse later with the girlfriend.
All fine and good but I know it's only a matter of a short time before these reasons fade and I start craving a drink. When I think of a drink I usually block out the bad history and think of feeling good, sitting at my computer without a care in the world.
But the reality is I only feel good for about 20 minutes .. then I feel drunk and tired, fall asleep .. wake up feeling sick ... drink a lot of water, take ibuprofen .. and try to get myself back together so I look normal for my girlfriend ..
Hard to realize the bad in the moment of a craving ... it's the definition of insanity .. same thing again and again expecting a different result.
Sorry for the rambling .. I'm fine tonight but need a plan. Drinking at every chance and spending the rest of the time wanting a drink is no way to live .. and I'm bound to get in legal trouble .. haven't yet .. but it will happen if I continue..
Thanks, looking forward to reading any responses to my post.
Welcome!
You're right, it's no way to live and it's what addiction does to us. You're also right that things will get worse because alcoholism is a progressive disease.
But, you're here, and you can stop drinking and we are here to offer support.
You're right, it's no way to live and it's what addiction does to us. You're also right that things will get worse because alcoholism is a progressive disease.
But, you're here, and you can stop drinking and we are here to offer support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: U.S.A
Posts: 236
Thanks for the responses!
Typically on her days off, I love to hear she has plans with her family .. because I can come up with an excuse not to join her and then drink.
But I've told her I will be going. So tomorrow sounds like I'll be okay. Just hoping the next time I am alone I can choose to come on these forums instead of drinking.
Times like right now feel easy .. I'm motivated to succeed but the moment of truth comes the next time I am alone with anxiety ... then I'm relying on an irritated me to make the right decision. That scares me.
How do you all stay committed to not drinking when you are in a really negative mood? I get in negative moods often and tend to throw goals right out of the window.
Typically on her days off, I love to hear she has plans with her family .. because I can come up with an excuse not to join her and then drink.
But I've told her I will be going. So tomorrow sounds like I'll be okay. Just hoping the next time I am alone I can choose to come on these forums instead of drinking.
Times like right now feel easy .. I'm motivated to succeed but the moment of truth comes the next time I am alone with anxiety ... then I'm relying on an irritated me to make the right decision. That scares me.
How do you all stay committed to not drinking when you are in a really negative mood? I get in negative moods often and tend to throw goals right out of the window.
Welcome Grendhar! It's great to have you with us. You're never alone.
You're wise to anticipate those times when you're alone & vulnerable. Being aware is half the battle - some never see it coming. I let negativity cause me to fall back on my old ways - and kept doing it until I was drinking every day with my life falling apart. This doesn't need to happen. I like your idea of reading & posting here to help strengthen you. Congratulations for making this big decision. You can do it.
You're wise to anticipate those times when you're alone & vulnerable. Being aware is half the battle - some never see it coming. I let negativity cause me to fall back on my old ways - and kept doing it until I was drinking every day with my life falling apart. This doesn't need to happen. I like your idea of reading & posting here to help strengthen you. Congratulations for making this big decision. You can do it.
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