Nuudawn

Ya know...I'm well aware that relapse may be in my future..but it doesn't take away my hope or positive feelings about sobriety today. Sounds like you're having a tough one Pam...

For me, I truly believe my life is "bigger" in sobriety. When I went back to the bottle after putting in 4 months of sobriety last year. It took a wee bit of time before I started to realize how small my life had become...yet again. How small I had become. I was back to "groundhog day"...just getting through the hours on some low level consciousness auto pilot each and everyday until I could get home and uncork the bottle to get even more unconscious.

I missed my sobriety. I missed the simple pleasures I was starting to find. I missed the healthy little habits I had started to create. I missed reading and growing. I missed the self esteem and surety I was starting to feel..the hope and progress.

I wanted it back. My sobriety is not hell...far from it. Should I relapse (God forbid) I will NEVER regret the time I spent alive and growing and sober. Never. What I have now is precious. Who cares what the heck happens in the future. I'm sober today...and glad of it. I got sober again after relapse because I wanted sobriety BACK. Why in the world would I waste energy worrying about IF I might relapse? That would just screw up the positive I have in sobriety today.

I am here...and if for some reason I return to the darkness. I was still in the light in the awhile. That means something. To me..anyway.

MythOfSisyphus

Sounds like 'night thoughts' Raider. Real 'hour of the wolf' stuff. I don't think relapse is inevitable at all. AVRT says that relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery, and I tend to agree. If you get over a cold you don't worry you'll "relapse" into a cold, you're cured. It's true that alcoholism is somewhat different but you will always have the power not to take the first drink- it's the 2nd through 20th you can't do much about.

Your post brings to mind a philosophical question, though; replace the word 'slip' with 'die' what happens? You could legitimately ask why you should bother to live when the end result will be that you must inevitably die one day. Your answer will depend on how you feel about living. Is each day a gift, something to devour and experience down to the very core of your being?

If life is like that then maybe sobriety is like that. Every sober day is a great gift and a chance to live your life more fully than you could have when you were sober.

Maybe this is a chance to consciously decide what to be when we grow up.

gracetuesday

I know that sometimes battling this feels frustrating and hopeless - but I have seen many people recover - and I believe it IS possible.

A quote that resonates for me - "We had but two alternatives: one was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.” from the Big Book of AA...

Now, my understanding of what "spiritual help" is has certainly changed over the years. For me, it means being willing to change my whole way of thinking - not just praying and hoping I wouldn't drink.

I really don't want to live the rest of my life "blotting out the consciousness of my intolerable situation."

There IS hope. People CAN and DO recover from this. That is why I go to AA - to be around other women who are DOING this. I tend to feel sorry for myself - like I am the only alcoholic in the world.

As long as you are alive - there is HOPE!

Danny Gokey - Hope In Front of Me - Official Music Video - YouTube