Soberpotamus

I walked into the treatment center for help and was sober, well dressed, neat hair and makeup too. I did the intake interview and was told that the director couldn't allow me in without a little more information - the counselor wanted me to "embellish" some details to seem more desperate. Why? Because she knew I absolutely belonged there and needed help. They wanted to get me in as quickly as possible. I was admitted into IOP instead of inpatient, but that's ok. It was just what I needed and I took full advantage of all the help and support offered to me.

Maybe you need to go back and make it clear to the people at the treatment facility that you DO need and want their help. And if they turn you down, go to another treatment center.

Hawks

Jeez that's rough.

I'm not condoning their "judge a book by its cover" attitude.

However, if that is what you are up against.... Why not turn up looking a bit scruffy, with bed hair and some old gardening clothes on.

If that gets you the help you need, isn't it worth stepping down your normally high standards??

Meraviglioso

Well the thing is they have all my paperwork from the first time I went it. I forced my way in that time, despite feeling like they were suspicious of me and thought I was a fraud. I came to all my appointments, met with the psychologist, the doctor, had my blood work done there, went back to review it. The doctor said that had they not taken my blood there with ID shown she never would have believed it was mine based on what I said I drank each day. ?? I don't know what to say, I have good genes, I am fortunate to be healthy but despite not having any medical issues due to my drinking I want to stop. I came up against a brick wall when it was time to start the medication part of the treatment. They would not give the medication to me personally, I had to find someone to come sign out the medication on my behalf, which no one would do for me. Understandably! Can you imagine taking that responsibility? Suppose I went off the rails one night with my kids at home and they found the medication, ate the pills and overdosed. The person who signed out the medication could be held responsible for that.

I hate to speak poorly of my home, but I just don't think addiction is understood here. They seem to consider it as a character flaw instead of a disease. A lot of the "treatment" consists of telling you over and over "just stop!" If only.... if only.

But, today is a new day, I plan on working in my garden all day. Every sober minute I enjoy is a blessing. I love it. I love being sober and present. Today will be wonderful. I hope tonight I stay sober too.

I look forward on picking up my medication and getting started on that. I do think I will skip the "test drink" though. I trust what I have read about the medication and don't think I need to experience that by myself (at home, not medically supervised... what?) to be scared enough not to drink.

Have a nice day everyone. As always, thanks for your support, wisdom, advice and encouragement.

Hawks

I picked up on the old fashioned views when you said they thought you didn't look like you had a drinking problem.

Yeah people still think it's a character flaw, it just shows a lack of education on modern view points.

I hope you find something to help you.

Soberwolf

Mera did you not see my link ?

Meraviglioso

I just checked it out sober wolf, thanks for sending the link along. Unfortunately they do not deal with alcoholism, just drug addictions.

Soberwolf

Sorry mera

Meraviglioso

No worries soberwolf. I am eager to start on the antabuse. I think that will give me a nice boost. My doctor recommended that I take it for 5 months. During those 5 months I plan on returning to my psychologist and if possible attending some AA meetings in the nearest big town. I hope that at the 5 month mark I feel strong enough to stop the medication and continue on with my sobriety. I cannot wait to get started. I feel such relief just knowing that I am going to do this.

sprout50

I am wih Dee on the antabuse issue. You have children to care for. Being incapacitated by drinking while on it.....wouldn't be good.

I was just like you. I would get up in the morning and swear to myself i wasn't going to drink and then by the evening, I would. I had to hit a hard rock bottom before I quit. I don't want to see that for you. You can do this. What is your motivation to quit drinking? I am a mother too. One of my biggest motivations is that my kids no longer have to hide mommy's dirty little secret of being a drunk. When my kids were little, they didn't notice but as they got older, the sure did.

Take whatever motivation you have and get past that first day. Just one day. And then repeat the process tomorrow.

HeartsAfire

Hello friend

I'm curious what your plan is or has been for those times you are tempted to pick up? I went back thru a lot of your posts & am not finding anything about you being tempted or contemplating a drink. I do see mentions here & there that either you're drinking again or strung together a few sober days. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am. I only ask because I think it needs to be brought to light. I used to be the same way so I completely get it. Considering the fact that SR seems to be your only true connection to others who understand what you are up against, I would think this would be one of the first places you turn.

I admittedly know nothing about antabuse, but I'm assuming you can't take it forever. ? What will happen when you dosage runs out? What's the plan after that?

Holding a mirror up because I genuinely care about you, Mera. I know you want this. You can do this. But you have to have a plan in place for when you're tempted. Especially given the fact that you have little to no support where you're at right now.

Hugs & love.

Meraviglioso

Thanks Hearts, I do know you care and I appreciate it more than I can say. As for what makes me pick up the drink.... I don't know. I just do. Yesterday for example I was outrageously stressed with my kids. My youngest is a whiner, I am abnormally sensitive to noise and the sound of his whining is just about more than I can bear. I called my ex- mother-in-law and asked for help, she was thrilled to have a night with the kids so that was great. As I was driving there I thought "I cannot wait to drink" but as I was coming back home I passed by my doctors office. I saw there were few people (here it is not by appointment you just go when the doctor is there and wait up to three hours to be seen) so I stopped to see my blood results and ask about the prescription. I then made a very calculated decision to go and drink. Not impulse at all. I was worried about the chill in the air and my make up so I first came home to change clothes and freshen up. I had every opportunity to stop, to come on here and ask for help, to reconsider, but I CHOSE not to. I went to the bar with a mission and I drank. I drank 4 glasses of wine in under and hour then came home. Unsatisfied I might add, I would have loved to have had more. This behavior to me is inexplicable. I am completely out of control.

Antabuse won't help me forever, that I know, so I must get to the bottom of why I am completely incapable of controlling my behavior when it comes to alcohol despite my strong desire to stop. I plan to use the antabuse as a back up while I work on that. I have got to get it together. This is ridiculous.

anattaboy

Mera, I was right where you are at 4 months ago. A 3 day detox with crap insurance would have left me with a lot of debt still. The last time(s) I detoxed in '09 and '10 I had to tell them I wanted to hurt myself to get admitted. Was given a benzo and BP monitored for 72 hrs.- then discharged with "you gotta quit drinking". I drank within 48 hrs. both times. And then there is daycare.
After a lot of research I decided to taper on my own and joined this site to chronicle my experience. I did it in 2 weeks but not without the help of this site and a lot of physical symptoms that made it easier to fight the "need". The naysayers in the thread gave me a lot of fortitude to prove them wrong. Reading the "AVRT Explained" gave me an epiphany of sorts and allowed me to just not drink on June 11th after reducing drastically for 2 weeks.
The good-ole-days of the late 80's when everyone went to 28-day programs and insurance covered all are over. Alcoholism, like mental illness is not a money-maker in the medical field. I'm rootin' for ya. You will feel it when it's time but you gotta go all in.

HeartsAfire

No one loves psychological issues and rhetoric more than me. I used to try to understand the whys as well. For me it was an excuse to keep drinking. "When I figure out why I drink then I'll be able to stop." That's just my AV BS of the highest order.

I don't even care anymore. All I need to know is that when I drink (just 1 drink even), my life is unmanageable and out-of-control - it doesn't matter why to me anymore. Priority 1 is to not pick up at all. Bottom line. End of story.

ESD907

I think the good part of your night out was your realization that drinking brings on embarrassment. That if u had not drank. U would've stayed And had a good time. I understand small town Italy. We have a home there still from my Nona we were accepted because my mom and uncles were all from there. Europe is not as welcoming as the USA is. I'm glad u have that part down. How about u sit out a few months. Get sober. And the. Go back. For some sober kareoke.

IOAA2

Hi Mera.
Many unreasonable things we do is because we are alcoholics. You seem to be honest about your drinking and accept that you are. I’m grateful to be sober for a lot of years and that is a result of a lot of work directed by the older hard liners who took no BS from the newcomers. They said what they did with love and seeing the disasters that continued drinking brought on. Today there are those who don’t know or have much experience in recovery disagree but that’s OK.
Continued drinking for an alcoholic goes only one way and that’s down. We lose ourselves, our self respect, our families, homes, and on and on.
Our number one priority must be to gain sobriety for OURSELVES. With that good things happen if we let them.
I/we believe that ½ measures avail us nothing! It’s been proven many times doing things my way was part of the ticket to hell.
Gaining sobriety for most of us is a time consuming process, something we in this age have trouble with as we love instant gratification. It is also something that requires CHANGE with our actions and reactions in our daily life. For many that’s a tough one that is very doable.
My personal advice for someone in similar situations would be to go to a place say NY for detox, rehab and perhaps a sober house style of living. Most reactions is totally negative, but remember this alcoholism is a miserable way to live and is progressive which ends in not very nice places.
Personally I would never follow the advice given by the doctor regarding having a small amount of alcohol with antabuse. JMO

BE WELL

Ruby2

Mera, many people who go to rehab or detox want "one last hurrah" before embarking on enforced sobriety. Forced meaning circumstances that will not allow you to drink as opposed to someone making you. To drink. I got drunk before going to rehab.

You sound a lot like me. You are looking around for resources and people to help but in the end, you are still looking to others to take away your alcoholic drinking. You are still putting the power over your drinking in someone else's hands. No one can wave a magic wand. They can be a support. They can give you tools and techniques, but ultimately it falls squarely on your shoulders. Looking for other people to rescue you is exhausting and ultimately disappointing. I did all of those things. I blamed other people for not helping me. For not being there.

I attend AA meetings and recently a guy attended who was visiting from another part of the country. A lot of AA meetings have names or themes to identify themselves. he related that there was a local AA group in his area called T.S.D.D. Tough s@$t, don't drink. That is where you need to be. TSDD. No matter what. And it's sometimes the hardest thing for me to do.

Hang in there. If you don't have the support there, come on here before you drink. It could be raining wine but if you don't open your mouth, you won't get drunk. Find your umbrella. You can do it.