countrysidegirl

Hi all

sorry been a few months since a posted

I'm sat here in the uk listening to the song by tov log stay high

the lyrics are stay high all the time to keep you off my mind , the music video is rather poignant as she is with her friends but sad and keeps throwing shot after shot down her throat but you can see the pain she is in

another lyric cant go home alone again need someone to numb the pain , staying in my play pretend where the fun has got no end , you have gone but I stay high to keep you from my mind

ring any bells ?

does me

I am in constant emotional pain, like I'm grieving , like someone has died , I have bpd which is borderline personality disorder and I have bipolar also , I'm also an alcoholic , but sometimes I feel like the bpd and alcohol play a sick game of cat and mouse with each other it just a matter of time which will win

i have a background of severe sexual abuse and physical abuse growing up, i also had my son who is now nearly 12 taken from me at 6 weeks because of my post natal depression, social services were great during this time, they only decided to be bastards when they found my social service records and decided that i was at risk to my son, yet for the next two weeks were more than happy for me to provide breast milk for him which was incredibly painful

then i fell pregnant at 19 and they said when i was 6 weeks that i would have the baby taken away, scared i went to the hospital and had the standard abortion, after severe cramps i was sent home saying the baby was gone only a week later i was still pregnant !!!!!!


scared i may have done damage i was put to sleep and had a suction

i didn't want to do this, i had no choice

my relationship with my sons dad has no come to an end, i have to move out, i work on a sex site for money which he knows about but it has tainted our relationship as the money is in his name

i don't know what to do. just pain constantly I'm 30 now and cant carry on like this, drinking, sobering up, drinking, sobering up, the drinking is due to my relationship with him and seeing my son only for a few hours as he grows up i aint making excuses i just want the ******* pain to stop

maybe moving out will help , all i know is if i stay here i will drink myself into an early grave and I'm must to strong for that, or at least i hope i am

sorry to whine and go on but i felt drawn to this site today

charlotte xxxx Cumbria uk xxxx

Anna

I'm sorry for what you have gone through.

Believe that there are choices and you can change things. You do have a chance to be a mother to your son and you do have a choice to stop drinking.

You can move out, try to find a job that will help you to feel good about yourself and take steps to be able to spend more time with your son.

countrysidegirl

thanks anna yes your right we all have choices we always have had choices but sometimes those choices are hard , hence we drink, hence there are websites like this , i sound weak now

least

I hope your situation improves soon.

biminiblue

Using alcohol distorts all our thinking processes. Everything will look better with some sober time and the only way to believe that is to do it.

Gilmer

We all have had to start somewhere. Alcohol devastates every one of our circumstances--even if we manage to dull the pain for an hour, it's there but worse after we sober up.

When life sucks, we can gain control over one thing: getting rid of alcohol. It is one factor we can subtract to make things less of a mess.

It is very tough to give it up, but posting here whenever you feel tempted is a good start. There is lots of help and good advice here.

EndGameNYC

Hi countrysidegirl.

It made me sad to read about your dilemma. I imagine that anyone would be in nearly "constant pain" given similar circumstances to what you struggle with.

Your offering diagnoses makes me think that you've been in treatment before, and I'm wondering if this is currently the case. None of us are built to withstand the kinds of things you're struggling with on our own.

Both BPD and bipolar depression can be very difficult to treat on their own, and certainly are painful to endure in tandem, so it's possible you may have had difficult or unsatisfying treatment experiences. If you're not now in treatment, don't let this keep you away. I suffered badly with major depression until I experienced crippling pain that eventually disabled me, accompanied by a complete loss of interest in living. Things eventually turned around for me when I reached out for help and found the help I needed.

With the right help, you can work towards bringing yourself to a much better place.

Soberwolf

Took me 3 hard long months to get sober keep at it

it is always possible

razor15

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I agree that in order to help ourselves we have to start with getting sober. We make better decisions then. I hope you find the support you need here.

andy1

Hi Countrysidegirl,

Good luck. I also try to deal with serious depression and drinking. One or the other is hard enough, but with both it's really tough. I'm pretty sure I have bipolar even though I've never been diagnosed categorically.

You say bipolar plays a game of cat & mouse - I think so too - drinking and bipolar are so interlinked - I drink very little, then it feels like a spring tightening and tightening for a few weeks until it snaps and then I just keep drinking until the binge finishes. And then I always feel strangely mellow and peaceful after that, like it had to happen. And then the whole process is repeated (well it used to be until 18 days ago)!

There's lots of support here - do post again if it helps.

Andy.

HeadLump

Oh, Charlotte, your posts have always touched me deeply and I have had absolute admiration for the way you have coped I wish I could just wrap my arms round you and hold you safe. But you are strong enough for this. I know you've had stretches of sobriety before and they seemed to help you see more clearly. Being sober will make any medication you take more effective as well. Stick with it, my friend. At 30, you have a whole life left to live xxx

countrysidegirl

thanks xxx thanks to all of you, I will reach sobriety one day xxx