And here we go!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 12
And here we go!
Good morning!
After 10 years of progressive alcoholism, I have finally come to terms with the knowledge that I can never, ever, ever have a relationship with alcohol that doesn't lead me down a path of brokenness and destruction. It doesn't matter what I drink (because we've all played that game) or what "rules" I convince myself I can follow to allow me to drink like normal person (because we've all been there too), I can never have a relationship with alcohol without letting a bottle hold me hostage.
I've known for years that I am an alcoholic. I just couldn't say the words out loud. I didn't want it to be true and neither did my husband. My husband has never had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol and has never been a substance abuser. He has that magical "enough" button in his brain that he can easily push after one or two drinks. Imagine his confusion when I told him I only have one button in my head and it was called "more". It just didn't register with him...and he didn't want me to be sick or be an alcoholic.
It wasn't until relapsing after one year of sobriety and seeing my drinking escalate to the point that was truly frightening that he finally understood that I could either be an alcoholic or be dead. That was the path I was traveling.
During my relapse, I had one brief moment of clarity when all of the "f*ck it" clouds parted and I saw what waited for me at the end of the path I was on. The only possible outcome of the journey, should I plunge headlong into it, was death...while everyone I loved watched me slip away. All because I couldn't say the words and they didn't want it to be true. Well, I don't want it to be true either, but it is.
I refuse to be ashamed of an illness. I have a disease and that means there are things that I can't do if I want to be and feel like a happy human being. I am a recovering alcoholic that must always remember my recovery starts each morning when I wake up and begins again each day.
There is no shame in saying that I have a disease and that alcohol is poison for my body, my soul and every relationship I have in my life. I feel hope because I know there is a solution. I don't have to succumb to the vision I saw in that clear moment. I choose to be a person in recovery every day and love my family so much that I will look at myself through their eyes. I see a valuable person in myself and I won't take that away from them or me.
I am a sober wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and advocate and I'm really glad to be here with you today.
After 10 years of progressive alcoholism, I have finally come to terms with the knowledge that I can never, ever, ever have a relationship with alcohol that doesn't lead me down a path of brokenness and destruction. It doesn't matter what I drink (because we've all played that game) or what "rules" I convince myself I can follow to allow me to drink like normal person (because we've all been there too), I can never have a relationship with alcohol without letting a bottle hold me hostage.
I've known for years that I am an alcoholic. I just couldn't say the words out loud. I didn't want it to be true and neither did my husband. My husband has never had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol and has never been a substance abuser. He has that magical "enough" button in his brain that he can easily push after one or two drinks. Imagine his confusion when I told him I only have one button in my head and it was called "more". It just didn't register with him...and he didn't want me to be sick or be an alcoholic.
It wasn't until relapsing after one year of sobriety and seeing my drinking escalate to the point that was truly frightening that he finally understood that I could either be an alcoholic or be dead. That was the path I was traveling.
During my relapse, I had one brief moment of clarity when all of the "f*ck it" clouds parted and I saw what waited for me at the end of the path I was on. The only possible outcome of the journey, should I plunge headlong into it, was death...while everyone I loved watched me slip away. All because I couldn't say the words and they didn't want it to be true. Well, I don't want it to be true either, but it is.
I refuse to be ashamed of an illness. I have a disease and that means there are things that I can't do if I want to be and feel like a happy human being. I am a recovering alcoholic that must always remember my recovery starts each morning when I wake up and begins again each day.
There is no shame in saying that I have a disease and that alcohol is poison for my body, my soul and every relationship I have in my life. I feel hope because I know there is a solution. I don't have to succumb to the vision I saw in that clear moment. I choose to be a person in recovery every day and love my family so much that I will look at myself through their eyes. I see a valuable person in myself and I won't take that away from them or me.
I am a sober wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and advocate and I'm really glad to be here with you today.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome and I'm glad you posted.
I agree with you that it's important to let go of the shame attached to alcoholism. It's also important to remember that we are so much more than alcoholics.
I agree with you that it's important to let go of the shame attached to alcoholism. It's also important to remember that we are so much more than alcoholics.
Fabulous post - it's great to have you on board xxx
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Welcome Haveaday
Great to hear such conviction.
Sounds like your relapse extinguished the last little flames of hope that a "normal" drinking career could be undertaken.
I just doused the last little flames of mine too
Thank God !!!!
Onwards and upwards
Great to hear such conviction.
Sounds like your relapse extinguished the last little flames of hope that a "normal" drinking career could be undertaken.
I just doused the last little flames of mine too
Thank God !!!!
Onwards and upwards
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