Thatdeliveryguy

So why are you happy today? Tell a joke or something, I want a distraction and you guys are the rockingest funny people I know, trying to change my mindset right now. Didn't mean to put you all on the spot!

jdooner

Well, I have been worked up by SR of late so I went for a 5 mile run and hard workout. So I feel good at the moment.

I am grateful for my family, just put my kids down for the night. My wife is on her ay back from her AA meeting and I am going to plan out my things to do for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will be grateful to wake up fresh and sober.

I am grateful you got yourself back on your meds and are doing better. It does get better Jeremy.

For me happiness is not a destination. I find it in contentment and lack of anxiety/drama.

PurpleKnight

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Student: "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O."

Teacher: "What are you talking about?"

Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

andyroo72

Hi TDG,

Hmmm. As I was walking home this morning, I noticed that on my street there is a Consulate, a Church and a brothel right next door to each other. Does this mean anything? :=]

Thatdeliveryguy

Purplenight that is so funny, andyroo laughing my head off, what does it all mean?

andyroo72

I like the joke :=] I'm trying to find a case for my cellphone, which is a weird model. Searched online and found one that fits. The store that sells it is on my street. Just a way past the church, the consulate and the brothel. lol

justinJustQuit

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?


'EllIfIKnow!

CAPTAINZING2000

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an ass

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Soberwolf

Captain i loved that !!!!!

EndGameNYC

That depends on whether or not a diplomat, a priest and a prostitute walked into the bar across the street...

Hawks

Two peanuts walk in to a dark alley

One was a salted.

God asks a few of his superbeing friends where he should take a holiday this millennium

One of them suggests earth.

God replies... Oh well you see, I went there 2000 years ago, met this Jewish woman, she got pregnant, we had a son, he decided carpentry wasn't for him, then the Romans decided they should make an example of him.........
They're still talking about it !!!!!!!

trachemys

A priest, a rabbi and a pastor walk into a bar.
The bartender yells, "What is this? A joke?"

Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "You want a beer?"
Descartes replies, "I think not" and disappears.

The early bird gets the worm but, the second mouse gets the cheese.

jdooner

Paddy was walking down the street in Belfast and he discovers a gun pressing against the back of his head and a voice says, “Are you Catholic or Protestant?” Well, Paddy has to do some pretty fast thinking. He says, “I’m a Jew.” And he hears a voice say, “I’ve got to be the luckiest Arab in the whole of Belfast.”

De Mello, Awareness

MidnightBlue

Hi, there)

Autumn colors made me happy today; my boxing workout, and this forum for sure.

Where I live we have notoriously ridiculous traffic jams - I once spent 6 (!) hours being stuck in a traffic jam on my way from work to home.

So, here's the joke :"While being stuck in a traffic jam Alex sold his car and bought a new one....closer to the traffic lights)))

You keep your chin up and, please, don't play Russian Roulette with meds.

And stick to SR.

Briseis

I got this one off if a Laffy Taffy wrapper:

Why did they bury the battery???





Because it was dead!!!!

--the sad thing is I actually struggled with the SUPER obvious punch line when my son told me this super silly joke :-D

bookmaven

A man asked god "how long is a million years to you?"

God said "a second."

The man asked god "how much is a million dollars to you?"

God said "a penny."

The man asked god "would you give me a penny?"

God said "sure, in a second."