I am mortified
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
I am mortified
Okay, so it's been over two months since my last drink and things are going well. I am 33 years old, unemployed and live with my parents. I was sober for eight months before I had a two day relapse. Now I am over two months sober.
I am still job-hunting, and doing two new courses and doing some charity work, so I have been really busy. I am exhausted every night.
A long time ago, I used to chat to men online, and I met some of them in person. I don't do it anymore, as I am not really interested. At that time, I had borrowed my aunts laptop while she was away, and I forgot to delete a file. She found the file last night and read it. There were pictures as well.
She came to me today, and I got a huge lecture. She said "we need to talk" and my heart nearly stopped. She says "that I am innocent and naive and from a good family and this is not the right way to meet people".
I am furious at the invasion of privacy and dying of embarrassment.
She is a doctor, and she can be very controlling, just like my mom. A while back, I went out a few times with this Indian guy, and I got a big talking -to about that as well. Advising me about the pill and that, as if I am a teenager.
My brother thinks that the reason she is like this, is because she missed out on the whole marriage and kids thing herself.
I know that she means well, and is probably just worried about my safety, but I am mortified about it. My best friend thought it was funny, and said at least it wasn't my dad who found it.
Anyway, I just wanted to reach out as I feel so ashamed.
I am still job-hunting, and doing two new courses and doing some charity work, so I have been really busy. I am exhausted every night.
A long time ago, I used to chat to men online, and I met some of them in person. I don't do it anymore, as I am not really interested. At that time, I had borrowed my aunts laptop while she was away, and I forgot to delete a file. She found the file last night and read it. There were pictures as well.
She came to me today, and I got a huge lecture. She said "we need to talk" and my heart nearly stopped. She says "that I am innocent and naive and from a good family and this is not the right way to meet people".
I am furious at the invasion of privacy and dying of embarrassment.
She is a doctor, and she can be very controlling, just like my mom. A while back, I went out a few times with this Indian guy, and I got a big talking -to about that as well. Advising me about the pill and that, as if I am a teenager.
My brother thinks that the reason she is like this, is because she missed out on the whole marriage and kids thing herself.
I know that she means well, and is probably just worried about my safety, but I am mortified about it. My best friend thought it was funny, and said at least it wasn't my dad who found it.
Anyway, I just wanted to reach out as I feel so ashamed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Tetra, there is absolutely zero reason to feel ashamed. It is no ones business who you date or look up online!!! All I can add is what I have expressed in the past: break away from your family. I can feel the manipulation and codependency thru your posts.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
Originally Posted by MarathonMan 
I met my wife online, we have been together 9 years and married for 5.....i owe internet dating a lot....no shame required terra, we're in the digital age now 
hello, welcome to 2014.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Tetra, you know my feelings about this kind of thing.
You need to stand up for yourself. You do not need to apologize for living your life. You do not need to do what your family expects you to do.
Live your life, enjoy yourself and let your family fuss and complain over other people.
You need to stand up for yourself. You do not need to apologize for living your life. You do not need to do what your family expects you to do.
Live your life, enjoy yourself and let your family fuss and complain over other people.
Thankful for this community
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 371
Ahh, families. I have a theory that they are all dysfunctional in some way. As the file, I really don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. I also don't think your aunt can really be accused of invading privacy when it was her computer after all. I'm assuming she just stumbled across it.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
Originally Posted by Jupiters
I met my BF of almost 2 years on OKCUPID.
hello, welcome to 2014.
hello, welcome to 2014.
Tetra - you are a 33 yr. old woman, you can make your OWN choices of how you want to meet people. Do not feel ashamed. It's unfortunate your Aunt found it but whoop dee dooo! So you met and chatted online.
So have a million other people and we aren't immoral.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Tetra,
Congrats on your sobriety, that is great!
As for the online chats and your aunt finding it. I have not responded much on your earlier threads but read some, and I feel that, once again, you are giving too much power to your family members to tell you what is right and what is wrong. Surely no one would be particularly happy about others getting into their private life, but it can happen. There is nothing to be ashamed of at all. Nowadays almost everyone meets others online, chats with them, exchanges pictures, etc. It isn't much different, in my opinion, than meeting people in the park, the library, in a museum, wherever. Next time, if possible, use your own computer for this, that's all. My gosh, if anyone would know the history and details of my online interactions, and I am not only talking about the drunken ones....
People of course always have opinions and some like to lecture others and impose control and their own views, etc. You don't need to justify these attempts, Tetra. I would have listened to her of course but would not have said much except sorry next time I'll use my own machine for such interactions, and leave it at that.
Have you been looking at potential housing options to move on your own? There are so many possibilities if one really wants to go for it.
Again, don't feel ashamed or otherwise bad about this. Your chats, your life, oops borrowed laptop, whatever
Congrats on your sobriety, that is great!
As for the online chats and your aunt finding it. I have not responded much on your earlier threads but read some, and I feel that, once again, you are giving too much power to your family members to tell you what is right and what is wrong. Surely no one would be particularly happy about others getting into their private life, but it can happen. There is nothing to be ashamed of at all. Nowadays almost everyone meets others online, chats with them, exchanges pictures, etc. It isn't much different, in my opinion, than meeting people in the park, the library, in a museum, wherever. Next time, if possible, use your own computer for this, that's all. My gosh, if anyone would know the history and details of my online interactions, and I am not only talking about the drunken ones....
People of course always have opinions and some like to lecture others and impose control and their own views, etc. You don't need to justify these attempts, Tetra. I would have listened to her of course but would not have said much except sorry next time I'll use my own machine for such interactions, and leave it at that.
Have you been looking at potential housing options to move on your own? There are so many possibilities if one really wants to go for it.
Again, don't feel ashamed or otherwise bad about this. Your chats, your life, oops borrowed laptop, whatever
Thankful for this community
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 371
Originally Posted by Tetra
Yes, that's true razor15.
Thank you.
I just needed to reach out.
Thank you.
I just needed to reach out.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,391
I'm with the consensus here Tetra.
My family are not bad people - but as long as I lived with them I would always be a child, my privacy was regularly invaded, and my mistakes would be forever held against me.
D
My family are not bad people - but as long as I lived with them I would always be a child, my privacy was regularly invaded, and my mistakes would be forever held against me.
D
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Tetra, my family was intrusive and opinionated. They placed all their expectations and values on me, ignoring who I was and what I felt, thought, and believed. They were critical of all my friends, critical of me and my ability to function and succeed. Never mind the fact I was highly intelligent, mostly A student, graduated with honors near the top of my class in school. Any thing they didn't agree with was held over my head. It made me shrink down to someone small and begin to hide myself deep inside.
I see in your posts that they are squelching you and placing expectations, guilt, and all sorts of other negative things on you. You don't have to live this way! I hope somewhere inside you there's a really pissed off woman who is tired of this! You deserve to carve out a life all your own!
Btw, I met my husband online and he is pretty awesome
I see in your posts that they are squelching you and placing expectations, guilt, and all sorts of other negative things on you. You don't have to live this way! I hope somewhere inside you there's a really pissed off woman who is tired of this!
You deserve to carve out a life all your own! Btw, I met my husband online and he is pretty awesome
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I would have asked her what she does about her 'needs' if she is single and not married. Put her on the spot and ask what she does and if she can offer another solution to meeting someone. Or ask her what did she do in the past when Internet dating was not as mainstream?
I think I would even push it further by asking if she has needs and if not why not? Make her feel like she abnormal, if that's how she has made you feel. After all she is a doctor, she must know about physical needs and intimacy in very biological details.
If it were me, I would ask her LOTS of details just to make her as uncomfortable as she has made you feel.
If you do this and she squirms, or you get the opportunity to do it, then it serves her right for being a nosy so and so and reading your private files which she should have stayed away from or deleted.
To me, what she has done, is akin to reading your diary. It's wrong and it is an invasion of your private life.
You get invading her private life with some awkward questions and it might give her some thoughts to deal with that she has not had to deal with before and then I expect she will learn quickly her behaviour is not acceptable.
I think I would even push it further by asking if she has needs and if not why not? Make her feel like she abnormal, if that's how she has made you feel. After all she is a doctor, she must know about physical needs and intimacy in very biological details.
If it were me, I would ask her LOTS of details just to make her as uncomfortable as she has made you feel.
If you do this and she squirms, or you get the opportunity to do it, then it serves her right for being a nosy so and so and reading your private files which she should have stayed away from or deleted.
To me, what she has done, is akin to reading your diary. It's wrong and it is an invasion of your private life.
You get invading her private life with some awkward questions and it might give her some thoughts to deal with that she has not had to deal with before and then I expect she will learn quickly her behaviour is not acceptable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Online dating is all the rage it seems here in Ireland these days, life can be too busy sometimes and the internet is a great way to find like minded people.
My sister, who is now married, found her future husband online, so definitely nothing to feel bad about, and not something anyone should make you feel awkward about, people need to get with the times.
My sister, who is now married, found her future husband online, so definitely nothing to feel bad about, and not something anyone should make you feel awkward about, people need to get with the times.
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