airwick

I read people writing that their husband/wives are support during recovery and thanking them.

I know this in not meant to bring me down, it makes me feel guilty. I wonder why I couldn't be that person that someone was thankful to have .

Being with my AXH just trapped me in his world of drinking. I know that I am in control---but his actions did influence me negatively. I once again thought of myself

These past few days reality is setting in, I'm not so sure I like it.

tazammal

I know this in not meant to bring me down, it makes me feel guilty. I wonder why I couldn't be that person that someone was thankful to have .

Being with my AXH just trapped me in his world of drinking. I know that I am in control---but his actions did influence me negatively. I once again thought of myself

Gilmer

You can be that person in your next close relationship, Airwick.

airwick

My thoughts are so selfish at this moment. I know that alcoholism is a disease, but I find so many are using that as an excuse for failure. and . My X calls every now and then and I don't even want to answer the phone. I can tell he's been drinking so I ask him. He tells me it is a deseise and he can't help it. He claims to have every problem under the sun.

I have enough of my own, if he's looking for sympathy he's not going to get it here.

Gilmer

Usually the spouses that are the "wonderful" ones are the ones who have been there for the alcoholic in the difficult days of drunkenness, and persevere through the struggle of getting sober.

That's not to say that the "good" spouse didn't have to pull the plug on a lot of enabling and quacking from the drunk. Speaking the truth in love is often not pretty.

Plus, behind every "wonderful" spouse is an alcoholic who actually reformed.

Sounds like your ex is still making excuses and justifying himself.

Treerat66

You can only support someone who asks for support.

zerothehero

And besides, the best way to support an alcoholic that uses "the disease" as an excuse for drinking is to tell them you'll be supportive when they're sober, but until then...

There's a difference between supporting an alcoholic's sobriety and putting up with their bull...

3arai

If you walked away from a relationship with an alcoholic or any kind of substance abuser, good for you.
There are better ways to spend your time.
I haven't had a boyfriend the last few years as I've struggled going back and forth with sobriety. It's not necessary and really I think for a lot of people it makes it harder.

Don't answer his calls, he is manipulating you.

heartcore

There are two ways to support an alcoholic - one is by staying through the alcoholism & recovery (your percentages of folks who actually attain & maintain sobriety are pretty darn low on that one, not to mention the long road to recovery from physical, behavioral & mental deficits that need to be addressed in sobriety for many alcoholics). The stories you are reading are RARE... The second way to support an alcoholic is to let them go. If they are ready to recover, they will, & that time without the complexity of relationship is often critical to healing...

I'm a recovering alcoholic & I too have decided not to be in relationship in my first year of recovery. It is (so far) mind-blowing in it's calm & I am deeply grateful for this time to work out my stuff alone.

You have a right to healthy love!

If all the stars in the universe align & your alcoholic gets sober & works a solid recovery, & if he is indeed your destiny, he can always find you later, when he has the capacity to do the work of relationship.

Just one perspective, but I do not think that choosing a serene & healthy life is selfish; I think it is your right as a human being.

ShootingStar1

You might want to try reading and posting on the SoberRecovery forum Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Lots of spouses and partners there have had to cope with alcoholism and have lots of different approaches.

ShootingStar1

esinger

It took being dropped on my face for me to get a clue. I know it hurt the wife as much as it hurt me. It saved my life. I used the disease and powerless excuse and I actually believed my own excuses.

I was 1300 miles from home on the verge of being homeless. And thought to myself well I'm either going to curl up in a ball and die or have to crawl through the wreckage and figure out how to live.

I was forced to make my own life or death decisions. She would not be any part of my recovery programs. The only time we spoke for months was if it concerned the children. This was on me.

Had she continued to coddle me and put up with my dysfunctions, I would be dead.
We are back together but it was a really long road back. I had to prove through my actions that I was serious. I had no plan of ever being able to reconcile the relationship. I'm sure she will never 100% trust me again and I don't blame her.

Sometimes letting go is the best support.

Nuudawn

Tolerating someone's perpetual alcohol abuse is not support...it's enabling. It became very clear in my last relationship that I wanted sobriety and my partner just wanted my whole life..whether I was addicted or whether he was addicted...

People need to hit that place of "enough"..and then they set about to do the work. Showing them the door sometimes helps them to hit "enough".