natehamburg

Hello Again SR,

Well this might be kind of long but I need some help with my thought processes and constant depression I have felt maybe some of you older wiser folks can chime in with some advice for my 25 year old self.

I have been sober 8 months now. Mostly due to I cant drink since I am on legal probation for a DUI. Well in the past 8 months my thinking has became very clear and I think about a lot of stuff. Lately I feel very alone, secluded, lonely. I have always felt like this but alcohol numbed that pain so I stayed drunk alot at college. My whole life I have encountered rejection from family, girls etc. now I face these feeling sober.

I keep to myself alot of the time. You know I really feel like my entire life I have never really had LOVE from anyone other than siblings and my mother. I have had REALLY bad luck with relationships. Had my 1st GF at 22, and she dumped me after a month for someone I knew very well...it broke my heart and I drank hard. Well this seems to be the case with most girls I date, they usually find someone else out of the blue. I ask myself alot "what is wrong with me?" "how come they couldnt LOVE me like that guy?" "what does he have that I didnt?" I really just want SOMEONE to love me, you know what I mean? I mean please someone just accept me and love me and who actually wants to be around me I am mostly talking about women. I am a good looking guy who works and stuff.

Well tonight was a big trigger, I was looking at Facebook and seeing all these happy couples, particularly girls who I dated with other men looking very happy. I wanna be happy for once, when will my time come? When will this loneliness end? When will someone value me enough to not run all over me and hurt my feelings/leave me. I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED so badly. This does not even scratch the surface of my problems in my life with rejection from family, not having a dad who was present, etc. I really just wanna get drunk again alot to be honest.

What can I do? Should I see a counselor or something? I am just not happy at all and the last time I was truly happy was when I was with my 1st GF at 22. I never had someone who legitimately wanted to be around me and share feeling like she did. I am just so empty guys, I cry alot of the time. Please tell me someone will come into my life who will completely be the answer to my prayers. I also reminisce constantly about days gone by and how I feel I am getting old...phew I have got a ton of problems. Sorry for the book I wrote...Im really venting.

EDIT: I also have a big problem with my looks, I have used steroids and am thinking about using them again to get the body I want because I feel that will help. I have done things to make myself look more attractive to the opposite sex even taking up bullriding/rodeo.

PolarBlue

I know this sounds cliche, but maybe you should learn how to be happy with yourself before jumping into a relationship or looking for someone to save you from sadness?

I know that's not easy. It doesn't sound healthy to put all the burden of making/keeping you happy on one person. It's a big world. There's a lot to be thankful for and happy about.

Hawks

Personally, I'd avoid a psychologist or psychiatrist etc.

When we are already incredibly emotionally fragile, digging around inside ourselves can unhinge us even further.

I tried psychiatry to alleviate my alcoholism and I left my psychiatrist office and went straight to a liquor store every time.

You have to have some emotional stability to go digging around with one of them.

Otherwise, it's just rubbing salt in the wound, so to speak.

PM me for further help if you like. From what you've written, I'm pretty sure I have some worthwhile suggestions.

natehamburg

Thanks for the insight, you know I have heard that alot. I honestly dont know how to take that saying and putting into action if that makes sense. I am always more happy with someone else. How can I be happy alone? when I am alone I always feel like its because theres something wrong and stuff that I am alone.

Dee74

Hi Nate

I absolute agree with others...if you're looking for someone else to complete you or fix you chances are it's doomed to failure.

Sometimes I think the way we live can make us unhappy. For a long time after I quit I lived the same life...I just didn't drink. That meant not only did I not have many friends to call on, but the only thing I knew to do in my downtime was watch TV.

If you think you're clinically depressed see your Dr...but maybe you also need to get out and meet some sober folks Nate. If you're not in AA ok, but what about sober meet up groups...they have those in nearly every city?

Do you have hobbies or interests?
Would you like to?

You don't need to change yourself to get people to like you Nate...you just have to learn to like who you are...and no steroids (or any drug) can help if you dislike yourself.

Maybe start thinking about your good qualities over your not so good ones?
write a list

I didn't like myself either...but I found meaning and purpose in helping others.

I realise thats not for everyone - but there must be a way for you to find meaning and purpose in your life too, Nate?

any ideas at all?

D

Joe Nerv

People who are looking for love, rarely find it. People who give love, do.

I'm not a religious person, and I don't believe in a traditional god. If you do, that'll make this next part all the easier . I start with that disclaimer because a belief in god is not necessary to reap the benefits of the prayer I'm about to paste below. I believe it to be a life changer, if we're open and willing enough to practice actually living it. It was and is for me, anyway. And I of course fall short of it regularly . It's a prayer (more of a mindset actually) that I don't think gets anywhere near the recognition it should:

FeelingGreat

nate, do the little things which you know are right for you and they will add up.

Just a thought, which may not apply to you, but I've often observed that men who want a partner desperately are often the ones who have developed a female hierachy about how a woman looks, how 'hot' she is etc, and they're often not very nice to women who don't meet the cut. If this is you, try being friendly to everyone, whether you're attracted to them or not. You may not get your woman, but you might just make some great friends.

Please, please avoid the steroids. I think I speak for many woman when I say that built up muscles are often a turn-off. Most women like healthy normal male bodies and associate body building with narcissism. Work out by all means, but just for your health.

PurpleKnight

I didn't really like myself much, probably why alcohol was so appealing, I could block it all out and numb reality away every night of the week, at the time I thought it was fantastic, but in hindsight I now know that was the root of the problem.

When I got Sober I needed to face life head on and that included all the things I didn't like about myself, because there was nothing to remove me from my thoughts/feelings anymore, in the same way alcohol once did.

So I did what I knew I could do, small steps, I figured out what I was interested in, all this free time on my hands with not drinking, I took up a few new interests, and that lead to having people in my life that didn't revolve around alcohol, I think I needed to create a life for myself, on my own terms, something I could be proud of, new activities, new friends, a new inspiration in life to really value who I was, and be a bit happier about myself.

Now don't get me wrong, it's still a work in progress, but working on myself and having a life to share with someone else is a better place than the old me who disliked myself, I couldn't stand myself enough not to drink and so why would anyone else?!

I guess, if I didn't want to be around myself, expecting others to want to be around me was a loosing battle!!

marina1981

Please don't turn to steroids, I lived with a man who used steroids and it was not a happy place to be. I firmly believe that the scars this relationship left me with have damaged me emotionally forever. Taking steds is not the way to get someone to love you!

mfanch

For me, quitting drinking/drugging only made my ISMs worse. I HATED being in my own skin.

Addiction was like driving around for years in a messy car. Whenever I had a problem or incident or bad feelings, I would just throw them in the back seat (and get high). Then when I quit using/drinking, it was like slamming on the brakes...ALL the sh!t came crashing forward into my lap, overwhelming me. I was lost, panicked, and alone.

I did one thing: I went to a therapist for ONE appointment in June 2009. It was a fateful day. She said, "mfanch, you need to make a plan. I will help you formulate one." In the next 24 hours, I drew up my plan. I posted it here on SR 5 years ago. I followed my plan to the letter EVERY SINGLE DAY. It evolved and changed, but I still follow the plan daily. Even when I don't feel like it. Not following it IS NOT an option.

What I have gotten out of following my plan: A life worth living and beyond description. My life is simply extraordinary.

BUT

I had to put in the work. I wasn't ready to work for a long time...almost 20 years.

Are you ready?

FreeOwl

great advice here so far.

when you begin to truly love yourSELF.... then you will find;

a) you are no longer lonely
b) you are no longer feeling a gaping hole and seeking someone to fill it
c) you will be living a life you love and inhabiting yourself fully
d) others will be drawn to you, and you will find love all around you
e) this is when we step into truly meaningful and fulfilling relationships

and yes, like earlier posters I know this may all sound cliche. not to sound condescending - but I also had a hard time getting my head around these things in my twenties. So instead I just kept on with the numbing until my 40's.

You asked for advice so I'm going to offer you the most tangible advice I can;

1) get to a therapist. not because you are broken. not because anything is wrong with you. because within you, YOU hold the answers you seek.... but we all need help along the way to peel back the layers of experience and get to know our true inner selves and be able to hear our own voice.

2) start exploring things that interest you. Set aside the need to be loved or the longing for another person and instead, focus for a while on things that you might love to DO. In doing things that we love, we find ourselves reconnecting with the love within. Explore things that bring out your creativity, as we are all creators at heart. we are all creation within. Make a list of things, keep adding to it, anything and everything that catches your interest. Pursue these things - not to find other people or to socialize or search for a date - but simply to pursue them and to get to know YOU.

3) focus less on seeking love than you do on giving love. love begets love and we find ourselves surrounded with self love when we offer it to others. I don't mean romantic love, I mean the love that lives within us all. Smile at strangers. Be kind for no reason. Pay for someone's coffee behind you in line. Offer to listen to someone who is having a tough day. Give hugs. Give lots and lots of hugs. Expect nothing in return - just seek to add what you can to the flow of life in a loving way. Practice this daily for a year and see what happens. You will be amazed.

4) ASK FOR HELP. You may not believe in God and you don't even have to. But just ask, every day, in whatever way or form you are comfortable, for help. It can be as simple as just saying out loud to nobody in particular "Please, help me". Or it can be more direct to a higher power you may believe in. But ask for help. Ask to be shown the way to yourself. Ask to live the life you were meant to.

5) GIVE THANKS. It can be as simple as saying at the end of each day, to nobody in particular "Thank You". Or it can be gratitude lists or a daily meditation or just seeking One Good Thing every day. But, every day, be thankful for something. Anything. Start anywhere, big or small.

If you do these things, and if you remain sober, I PROMISE you that things will improve and that you will be on your way to a life more rich and joyous than you ever imagined possible.

melki

A lot of great suggestions already. Being lonely is very hard. It's even harder if it consumes all your focus. Try turning your attention outwards by getting out there, showing interest in others and channeling yourself into something that interests and excites you (that's very attractive, btw).

Joe Nerv, LOVED your post and the prayer. FeelingGreat, I completely agree.

LBrain

what Freeowl says.

Anna

Hi Nate,

One thing I learned in recovery is that happiness comes from the inside, not from someone or something outside of you. A girlfriend can add joy to your life, but she will not ultimately 'make' you happy.

The loneliness will end when you accept that you are the one to make it end. Join a sports team, volunteer, take a class, do things, anything that you like to do. That's where the good feelings about yourself will come from. Accept yourself, love yourself, and then, others will respond with love.

Joe Nerv

Want to add something else, regarding the steroid thing. Our looks have way less to do with attracting people into our lives than we think. And when people ARE attracted to us based mostly on our looks, those people are often attracted just the same to others once the romance period fades. That's been my experience at least. In my younger days I happened to be one of the "lucky" ones. I didn't really chase girls. They kinda came looking for me, and while on the outside that may have seemed like a blessing/gift, it had it's flip side that I wouldn't wish on anybody.

But that's not the point I really wanted to make. I played in a band about 10 years ago with a dude who was about 5'4", a little bit overweight, and average looking at best. He wasn't particularly intelligent or witty either. But he had confidence like nobody I'd ever seen in my life. I played lots and lots of shows with this guy. He had a reputation of being a player. Anyhow, he astounded me time and time again. We'd go into a club with maybe 200 people, he'd spot 1 or 2 of the prettiest girls in the club and say, "I'm hanging with her tonight", and then it would happen. 9 out of 10 times! Picture Angelina Jolie hooking up with Danny Devito. Wasn't too far off from that kind of situation, and it happened over and over, time and time again. The entire band was astounded at whatever it was this guy had. And whatever it was had 0 to do with his looks. It wasn't what was on the outside that was attracting these women, it was what was on the inside and how he thought.

I've seen the opposite, just the same. In fact, right now I'm playing in a different band with a lead singer who girls practically faint over... but he struggles to find any kind of partnership.

We need to do whatever is necessary to learn to love ourselves. Period. Only then, IMO, do we stand any kind of chance of having a healthy loving relationship with someone else. And learning to love ourselves is absolutely doable. Just takes time, patience, willingness and an open mind.

Soberwolf

look at the advice on this thread

outstanding ladiies and gentlemen

Aellyce

Great advice here, Nate. Your OP clearly shows that you are unhappy about yourself in several ways. That usually shows on the outside and in our interaction with others, and can indeed repel people after a while. I completely agree with everyone who says the best may be to work on yourself and not worry about how others perceive you. I also agree on the therapy suggestion. A therapist may be able to assess if you could benefit from medical help and refer you to a psychiatrist if necessary.

It sounds like what you need most is working on your self-esteem, confidence and find meaning in your life and within yourself. That will never come from another person effectively and stably, more the other way around: people usually notice an inner harmony, peace, and purpose and are naturally drawn to people who possess these.

I would definitely leave the steroids alone. You can absolutely work on your body without them, but as with our mental being, we need to accept the body we were born into. Even if we just consider looks, definitely not all women are attracted to overly muscular and bulky men (me being one o them, for example), but everyone is attracted to health. Don't risk it with drugs. You can learn how to improve your appearance in healthy ways via creating a style that suits you. You can also work on your education and learn new things and people will be drawn to you for being well-informed, an interesting conversation partner, and someone they can engage in stimulating activities with.

I was with guys who were outstandingly good looking and also with others average in appearance. There was never any sort of correlation between their looks and how good the relationship was, I find it has a lot more to do with interpersonal compatibility, compatible value systems, etc. I also find that I tend to attract people depending on my own well-being and what I do in life, it's a sort of mirror. So if I want to be with great people, I'm better work on myself

Also, developing our general social and empathetic skills can have lots of benefits - everyone likes people who are receptive, kind, understanding, and responsible. You will find that women who are attracted to you for being you will more likely to stay with you also and the relationship will be much more rewarding.

Congrats on 8 months of sobriety (I'm there with you) and good luck!

doureallycare2

Nate, I really love some of the advice you have received on here..!

I'm a lot older then you yet still struggle with a lot of the same things.. As much as I'm reassured how attractive I am by others, I have sever insecurities. Insecurities that were fortified by an alcoholic father, and abusive step father and a sex addict xh.

All I also want is to love and give love. I hate... and I mean absolutely hate hearing "if you love yourself ect..." Because to me, that was/is Greek. How do you love yourself right?

After a year long string of dating many different men along with a 6 month relationship that never should have been with an alcoholic (you can read my thread-if you want more info on how bad that relationship/addiction was). Here I am alone again.

I am seeing a therapist for the very first time (other then marriage therapist). And thank God I chose to seek help.

I'm encouraged that your asking for help, that you want a better life for yourself with out alcohol and that you have taken some time to reflect and evaluate yourself. Your actually very young to have done that. It usually only happens after much more life is lived and people realize where the consequences of their choices had led them.

I whole heartedly agree with everything Free Owl said to you.. Please listen!! You are at a pivotal point in your life that can drastically change it for the better... Why, because you want it to! Seek out therapy! If you work you may even have insurance that will pay for it.. and if you don't connect well with the therapist try a different one. It took me trying three different ones before I found one that I actually connected with. It makes a world of difference to have someone that can speak to you on the level your at. If you leave their office and felt like it didn't help at all, they are not the one for you.

I would just like to add something my therapist said to me that helped me look at the whole "loving yourself" differently...

He said you are attracted to what you are and will attract what you are: I could be in a room with 200 men, all of which thought me attractive. 199 of them healthy and one not. guess which one I would end up in a relationship with? He said its like a radar, a homing device. If your unhealthy and your looking for someone to "complete you/Meet your needs" you almost instantly recognize that in each other. And when your putting the responsibility on to someone else to "meet your needs" the relationship is doomed for failure.

The good news in this is that when you are ready to take that hard look at yourself, to find out what your inner most needs are and why. Your taking action, your actually making yourself responsible for meeting your needs. And once you do that....guess what? You open your self up to being attracted to and attracting healthy relationships..

So... What are you going to do? What do you want? Cheers to you for exploring the idea of a better you!!

natehamburg

thanks for all the great advice guys. every post was helpful. as far as hobbies I am looking into rodeo/and horses again because I really enjoy that type of stuff. I also really do enjoy bodybuilding too..hence the steroids.

Hawks

I lift too.

There are a ton of good websites dedicated to natural body building.

You have already observed that looks are not a guarantee of success with women.

(current lead singer)

Roids effect your emotions as well as your muscles.

I don't think I'd mentally or emotionally handle what is essentially liquid synthetic testosterone.

Besides ... they are illegal.

As I understand it, some states in the US have a zero tolerance policy on illegal substances.

Fancy a jail sentence as a result of trying to get ripped & pumped fast ??