SadieJack

I started posting on the forum last year in the Friends and Family section about my A brother. We have had a very toxic relationship for many years...going back to childhood really. He became an A fairly young and I didn't develop my issues until my 50s. I had tried to help in the past and it only made him resent me, so I quit.

He had a heart attack right after our mom died in 2012. Massive heart muscle loss, 4 stents...really bad. They told him to never drink again, but of course he went right back to it. Since then, he has really gotten so much worse personality wise. He is just nasty mean and I basically had to cut off communication with him...

He called me last night... first time I have talked to him since last Sept. The conversation went OK for a bit, and I shared with him that I too was having drinking issues. Well, that blew up! He starts calling me a drunk and all that! I never should have told him... I thought he might be supportive since he has his own problem with booze..but he attacked.

I feel really down this morning. What are your thoughts on this? Thanx

Soberwolf

No contact sounds good if thats the way things are

Anna

I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking.

It sounds like your brother is toxic and you should set a boundary, at least temporarily.

SadieJack

Well, I think I shared it with him as a way to connect on some level. For years he resented me because I could drink and not let it become a problem. But now it is a problem and I thought if I shared that with him, he might be less inclined to be nasty... but I was totally wrong. He used it like a club and beat me up.

Fly N Buy

Don't drink over it, and don't call him

Sobriety has to be # uno goal. The rest will take care of itself.
Sorry for your pain, keep truckin'

peace

least

I'd go no contact if that's the way he's going to be.

Altoids

I agree with everyone. Boundaries are important even when it doesn't involve this particular issue. I have a few in-laws that I will not get involved with and it has nothing to do with alcohol or issues with it. When I'm at family functions and they are there, I am polite and respectful but I do not engage in any of their antics or drama. AND I drive separately so I can leave when I need to. Take care of you first.

bunnezjp

Let him go. You come first.

Bunnez

FreeOwl

Other people's reactions can be pretty unpredictable and puzzling. Particularly so with family and all the nested issues that can be present.

I'm sorry you got that reaction... I'm sure it felt like a blow and perhaps a betrayal.

I think the idea of just keeping your distance for now is a good one and healthy for your own sobriety.

Focus on you.

yinzer

I agree with the others. Set boundaries. You can't change some people, and they may not be who you wish they were.

Cecilia44

Ditto on what everyone else said. You can't make him feel a certain way Sadie. I think it sounds to me like what you told him was hinged on expectations in your mind and you hoped he would be supportive. Sorry he wasn't, but take care of you.

I would give him a wide berth.

Hugs.

Hawks

putting you down has given him a perverse ego boost.

such is the nature of some people, not just alcoholics .... although it does seem to increase the chances.

Even though you might feel your anger is justified, you have to let it go if drinking is a problem of yours. Anger would be a "top 3" so far as emotional triggers.

I'd clean it up by saying "didn't mean to upset you" and then leave what ever response comes back, up to him. Clean off your side of the street.

Treat him as you might, a mentally deranged / sick person. Because that is what he is.

SadieJack

Thank you all for the input and perspective. Obviously he has not worked out anything on his side. He said he is going to church now, but that seems to be just an exercise in futility based on his furious reaction to me.

Yes... more time and distance is needed. My big fear is this: that he may die before we can repair our relationship. He is very self destructive and depressed and constantly refers to the "dirt nap" and how "nothing tastes". He has major health issues and drinking is going to kill him sooner than later.

bluehour

Let it go. You can't fix it.

My brother sounds similar, he is in recovery now, but still a class A jerk. I have no desire to mend things with him, because he can't be a nice person. Literally.

The first time I spent with him after I decided to stop drinking, we were at our dad's. That's a huge trigger for me, our dad is a set in stone alky and I was terrified our dad would see me as abandoning him for sobriety. I explained this all to my brother before we went.
My brother started going crazy during dinner,eventually threatening to kill our dad's GF (to her face) etc. I told him to stop and to just keep his thoughts to himself. He then turned his rage at me. Ill spare you the details. Just, thanks, bro. That was just what I needed. This was after 2 years of sobriety for him, and a month for me.

I only have 3 living blood relatives at this point (besides my kids) and he is one of them. I wanted us to be closer but it can't happen.

I'm done until he shows a desire to change. He won't though, he thinks he's fine. And I am fine with that.

PurpleKnight

Don't let anyone or anything affect YOUR sobriety, if that means some distance then so be it.

Hang in there!!

sprout50

Sadie, I have a brother who is an alcoholic whose health is a mess. No one can speak to him about his drinking without him blowing up. He won't admit his own issues with alcohol but he sure will point out problems in others. This is denial and him making himself feel better. When I quit drinking, I didn't tell him straight up that I was having problems. It would have gone no where.

You have to take care of you. You can't change your brother. And I hope you can find peace with that. I know from first hand experience how hard this is.