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frightening blackout

Old 09-22-2014, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by marina1981 View Post
I just can't believe how badly I behaved, my friend said it was like I was possessed. I feel so vulnerable and alone.
You're not alone. I blacked out after my recent relapse - terrifying. We don't believe our behaviour when sober because alcohol has such an effect on our thoughts and actions.
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Old 09-22-2014, 07:09 AM
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I so glad that your friends and family made sure you were safe. God bless them.
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Old 09-22-2014, 07:11 AM
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Completely terrifying needhelp it has left me fragile and confused
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Old 09-22-2014, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by marina1981 View Post
Thanks again, I hope my family will support me but my partner enjoys a beer and I worry it will not be as wasy with him drinking in the house. He said he wouldn't but less than 24 hrs later he was cracking a can sat next to me on the couch. I fear that this will be a long and challenging road if I want to not drink, it may cost me my relationship
My partner is the same, marina. It's really difficult to ignore but I try!
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Old 09-22-2014, 07:41 AM
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I am going to try, as I don't drink unless he does it will be a hard test on our relationship
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Old 09-22-2014, 07:48 AM
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Just keep logging in and checking in-you might find that you not drinking highlights to him his habits and perhaps he'll cut down xx
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Old 09-22-2014, 07:55 AM
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Are you saying that drinking more will help the relationship with your partner? I thought the beginning of your post suggested quite the opposite.
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Old 09-22-2014, 07:56 AM
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I'm sorry to say that I really can't even begin to list all the blackouts I've experienced.

But what I can do is tell you this; If I'd only seen right away that these blackouts were a clear sign that alcohol would rob and impair my life, if I'd only acted on it the first time... the second time..... even the twentieth time.... I'd have spared myself much agony and lived a far more rewarding, deep and wonderful life.

I commend you for getting right on it, coming out here, reaching for help, sharing your feelings and taking action.

I also encourage you to go with the momemtum of your intent. Harness your fear of what has happened and turn it into resolve that this won't happen again.

Alcohol is clever within those of us who have these experiences..... it usually doesn't take long after we're feeling so certain that we will never drink again, for the voice inside us to begin reasoning all the ways that it will be 'just fine'. All the logic as to why this happened, just this time... but next time will be different.

Launch a full offense against that.... you are RIGHT NOW in the prime place to do so. Don't waste a moment, make a plan, educate yourself, get support and get it done!

Oh and also; welcome.

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Old 09-22-2014, 08:03 AM
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No endlesspatience, I don't think it will make it bette, but I am scared that if I stop drinking and he continues then our relationship is surely doomed. For it to work I need his support but as he was drinking last night, less than 24 hrs after the event I worry that things will go horribly wrong.

Thank you freeowl, very inspirational!
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Old 09-22-2014, 10:06 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Marina!!

Yeap blackouts can be very scary, when I was drinking they became more and more regular, until I finally decided to reassess my relationship with alcohol!!

It will be challenging, but the benefit of being in complete control of life at all times, compared to when drinking is definitely worth the effort!!
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Old 09-22-2014, 11:41 AM
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I will not be one of those parents who puts their children through hell just for the sake of a drink
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Old 09-22-2014, 12:53 PM
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Marina,

There's tons of literature on blackouts aka drug related amnesia. Yes, it's medically a form of amnesia! Which basically means that your brain can't or won't create long-term memories out of the little short-term memories it records as it's rolling along. I have been fascinated by the whole phenomena for a long time. I'm fascinated by amnesia in general.

I had my first (not last) at 20. I am also over 30. This is pure opinion I kinda cobbled together: I think blacking out is a sign of damage done to the brain by long term abuse. Most of us have basically beat our internal organs like a pinata. The brain has to perform so many different functions, it can only take so much.

Especially for us 30+, our bodies become less reliable even when treated well, let alone while drinking poison.

With continued alcohol abuse, how your brain will perform while intoxicated becomes volatile and impossible to know in advance. You won't know. It's like trying to figure out why I got on the elliptical for one day for an hour and felt amazing and the next day I had to stop after 30 minutes, even though I got the same amount of sleep, ate the same breakfast, etc. Sometimes my body can handle a whole bunch of stress, sometimes it can't, and I really can't predict why. I hope that makes sense,

My advice- DON'T try to figure out what you did during your blackout. Don't inquire. If you feel comfortable kindly asking friends/family to not tell you, maybe do that. Seriously, that isn't going to help.

You might want to think about marital counseling. Personally I couldn't live with a drinker, or even date one, I don't care if they only drink one, I don't care if it's not fair, don't care, don't care, don't care. Now, he might need to really understand how committed you are, which might mean you starting some sort of program. He might be carrying some kind of anger or resentment that needs to be addressed. But I don't think it's acceptable for him to drink in front of you.
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Old 09-22-2014, 02:02 PM
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Thank you Sarai

I have been looking into causes for blackouts too, they are quite interesting, yet completely terrifying! My other half still states he won't drink in the house, this I will believe when I see it. He is a heavier drinker than me but thinks that because he is a 'happy' drunk, sees no reason to stop. I know after a week of not drinking at home he will go out and buy wine so that I will have a drink with him.

This can't happen though as I will not let this happen again, had I have been in a bar god knows what would have happened to me, it is lucky I was at my friends.
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Old 09-22-2014, 02:14 PM
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Hey Marina blackouts are scary glad you reached out. Is there any room to compromise with Hubby? Perhaps he can drink outside the home and keep his beers out of the house? Good luck and stay strong
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Old 09-22-2014, 02:18 PM
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I am hoping he may change his own drinking habits once he sees me sober 24/7, I think we have a way to go before he accepts drinking is no good for him either.
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Old 09-22-2014, 02:29 PM
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Welcome marina - you came to the right place. I knew I had a serious problem when I started taking notes when I was drinking so I could remember what I did and said the next day. Still didn't stop. Medical problems forced me to stop. Like everyone has said it just gets worse. When you start having blackouts like you experienced its a good time to stop. You can do this and I hope your partner is a little more understanding.
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Old 09-22-2014, 02:32 PM
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My gf has stopped drinking completly because of what it done to me

if you asked her why she will say look at what it done alcohol changes people

i cant stand supposed loved ones drinking in an alcoholics company if they dont get it then i would start suggesting no alcohol at home (just so you know im 14 months if i even suggested having a bottle for friends/her i would get scalped she would say do you think im letting that in our home ??? have more respect)

its not right in my eyes having alcohol round a alcoholic most of the time i have this argument with other alcoholics saying its fine im ok with it

thing is i grew up like this my father was like this when my late mother was sober and sober back then i hated it as i do sober now its not right but alcoholics (has to be alcoholic lol) will tell you otherwise

hopefully im not a lone voice in this but if i am so be it

if they cant understand take them aa say this is what i am !

if they still dont get it i would seriously start thinking about how much your sobriety means to you if it is going to be affected by household drinking by ppl that LOVE you and UNDERSTAND you

When a man loves a woman is a great film to watch with said boyfriends/husbands

be well and well done everyone
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Old 09-22-2014, 02:56 PM
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I know that right now you're in the shaking, scared place. I've been there. I am sober right now because of a blackout experience this summer which really frightened me.

What I just noticed, reading your thread, is that during your blackout, you got angry and violent with your partner, and threw him out of the house. Then, in a later post, you note "it may cost me my relationship."

What is so odd about that for me is that during my blackout, I also got angry and violent with my partner (who - consciously - all was going well with). Then when I came to the realization that I needed to never drink again, and that I needed to embark on recovery, he sat down next to me and popped a beer and I suddenly KNEW that this choice would likely cost me my relationship.

I struggled with that for weeks - abstaining for some days, then joining him in drinking. Being very very careful about how much I drank so that I didn't black out, then feeling defeated the next day. Finally, a couple of weeks after the blackout, I sat down with him, told him I was choosing complete sobriety, invited him on the journey. He said "no" and I said "with love, you've got to go."

It hadn't been a long, long relationship, so I wasn't deeply entrenched, but we were living together and I loved him.

Now, just a month and a half after his leaving (and a little over two months away from that terrifying black out experience), I wonder if my subconscious knowing that in order to grow I was going to have to break the relationship was what emerged during that blackout. Otherwise it makes no sense. The blackout yes - alcoholism is progressive. It becomes physically unpredictable. But why would I freak out on this man that I was in love with? When my self-control disappeared, and my feral blackout self emerged, why was it anger and violence against this person?

Anyway - those are things that I've wondered about since.

I am delighted to be sober and in recovery. I don't feel horror and shame at the memory of that black out anymore, because it was the MOMENT that my life changed.

I miss my fella, but to be honest, I am feeling fulfilled and proud and happy, and I only miss him once in a while.

I go to AA, and that has been a great choice for me.

Hang in there, sister. No matter what, you never have to have a blackout again. Never. Ever.

In the weeks that followed that blackout experience for me, I was just so utterly grateful that I didn't drive, kill someone, etc. If I was that full of suppressed rage, and so out of control to myself, I could have done anything. I (and you) could have woken up the next day to a LIFETIME in PRISON for murder!! Seriously. Terrifying.

Never. Ever. Again.
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Old 09-22-2014, 04:18 PM
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You can do it. Remember getting sober is all about you. I know it doesn't help that your SO still has an occasional drink but I believe each person has their own "time" to get sober. Maybe at first he can keep it out of sight for you. But it doesn't have to be a deal breaker between you two. At first you might feel like everyone needs to get sober (friends and family) but you really have only your own sobriety to worry about right now. Good luck!
-Ted
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Old 09-22-2014, 11:50 PM
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Thank you all it is so nice to wake up to supportive and heartfelt messages. Here I go, day 3, silly really because I wouldn't normally have a drink till the weekend but knowing I am stopping completely I have woken up thinkong of drink, how bizarre!
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