cruzmami1

Why is it that I wake up in the morning telling myself, "I'm not going to drink today," but by 6pm I'm so ready to have a drink? And no matter what else I try to do or think about, I takes control and yet again I'm drinking. I hate it and it makes me hate myself.

IOAA2

Hi and welcome.
The simple answer is you may be an alcoholic and if so we find that we can’t drink in safety. The first drink kicks in the compulsion part of us and we continue to drink abnormal amounts.
The solution, though not always easy in the beginning, is to NOT have the first drink one day at a time. Life/we will get better if we let it with work and makeing changes in ourselves.

BE WELL

Pretend3r

I know what you mean, I just started reminding myself when 6 pm comes that the voice inside my head is all lies and I know that its all lies because I knew that this morning it would try to persuade me. Not sure if that helps, but when drinking, I really believed that addicted voice at 6pm and also believed my real voice in the AM. Now I only believe one voice and it makes the urges from my AV weaker, no oomph behind them, because I've finally seen my AV for what it truly is and I've broken up with it! Dumped it! Its a liar!

FreeOwl

I can't tell you for sure why you do that....

but for me it's because I was pretty much addicted to alcohol and probably an alcoholic.

Whether I "am an alcoholic" or not still sometimes yo-yo's around as a debate in my mind.... but I have resolved that the answer to that question doesn't really matter. I know that my life is better without it, and that with it, sooner or later I am caught in a cycle just like the one you describe.

Life is really good.... and without alcohol I get to experience that fully.

livingnow

Oh, I hear that.
What I ve done is put myself in a position where I cant drink at the usual first drink time.
Change up routines and you it will help break the pattern

Pretend3r

Yes, Freeowl got it right. I circled around the conversations for YEARS. Am I alc? No, yes maybe. Why me? Is it genetic? Can I moderate? Exhausting, finally just woke up and said alcohol is bad for ME. Took me years to accept it.

JaylaaKent

I needed every relapse I had to get sober for good. I guess I had to keep trying and thinking one more time I can drink moderately. Writing how I felt when I was coming out of detox or off a drunk has been "sobering" reading now I'm in recovery. This time (after 4 relapses) I have just come to grips with I can't drink. I've tried many times, and done different things - but proven to myself that I'm an alcoholic and can't drink like a normal person. Some days it sucks, but many people in this world live with afflictions and defects, this is just mine.

cruzmami1

Pretend3r, that's exactly it. OMG! The voice! I swear I'll be making it through the day and thinking I can do this and it's like a hypnosis comes over me and the next thing I know I'm waking up the next morning like wth happened. Ugh!! Every one of you say it right. The struggle with am I an alcoholic or not is real. On weekdays I say I'm not because I'm able to just drink to my limit so I can wake up for work and be okay. Those days I say, eh I am in control. But then the weekend rolls around and the devil himself takes the rains(sp). I'm a horrible drunk too and I know it.

I live in Hawaii. A place that as long as it's not pouring rain there's so much to do. Yet for the past 4 yrs I've wasted away in this house recovering only to do it all over again.

One day at a time you say! Heavy sigh! Well something led me to this site so I'm open and willing to hear and apply any advice.

Thanks!!

airwick

Hi, In my opinion I don't believe everyone NEEDS a relapse. If it does occur, bounce back and try again I've been sober for a little over 6 months. In my first few days of sobriety it seemed that everyone was just accepting relapse like it HAD to happen in order for you to succeed.

Yet, if you fall off the wagon......by all means get up I don't want all Newcomers to think that "they HAVE to fall" They don't.....I can vouch to that

FreeOwl

welcome!!! this is a great place to start!

A guy in one of my AA groups always used to say "I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not. There's not a test I can take. There's no way to check my blood or my genes and say for sure..... but I can look back on my own history and see clearly that alcohol wastes my life."

That always stuck with me, and helped me with the inner struggle. Am I an alcoholic? Ah, who cares.... label or no label, I know what alcohol robs from me.

I finally became unwilling to let it.

Jupiters

I like this.
I struggled for a long time with the whole "labelling" aspect of it. I even had someone at a meeting once tell me I wasn't a "true alcoholic" b/c I could go weeks without it fairly easily...in early sobriety, that can be quite damaging to tell someone.
I don't care what it's called. Every horrible thing I have ever done is b/c booze was involved. I don't think "normal" drinkers have 2 DUIS and have lost jobs due to drinking.

Fly N Buy

I drank steadily progressing into heavily over 35+ years. Today is sober day # 105.
This is nothing less than miraculous in my life.

For me, I had to learn / replace bad habit and rid myself of the obsession of the mind to drink. For once that first drink was started and I got that ahhhh feeling, it was game on.

I tried many, many times to just do it myself. For me, this was impossible. I had to get to the point of a willingness to do whatever it took. I had to ask, seek, accept outside face to face support and help.

My path is AA - I steeped myself in many, many meetings. For me this broke the chain - TODAY of bad habit and removed the obsession from my mind. SR is a great tool for me as well.
There are many paths, this one is mine......
You can find yours, but the willingness to change and not simply repeat the daily process for me was key.......

peace

cruzmami1

Absolutely! It's ruining my life and as with me also everything had is centered around booze. I haven't started any programs here. I feel ashamed and even more so I don't want my daughter to know. I use to be a social drinker. Went through a divorce and met my current husband who drinks daily but is always in control and he became my enabler. He's recently left for a 1yr unaccompanied assignment and I want so bad to get this under control before he returns.

Thepatman

^^ this, love it.

FreeOwl

YEP!!!!

I didn't always get in trouble, do something stupid or horrible when I drank.....

But every time I ever got in trouble, did something stupid or horrible - I'd been drinking.

Fly N Buy

GREAT!
Sounds like you're ready!

You'll be amazed at how quickly things can change.

There's a 24 hour thread where members commit to not drinking one day at a time - helps me and others stay the course. You may want to check it out.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-16-a-5.html

You can do this thing I assure you.......
peace

yinzer

I know exactly what you're talking about. By 6pm I feel better, so what harm would a little wine do? Then at 2am I'd wake up sweating, swear I'd never do it again, but the cycle would repeat itself.
I've started going for a walk in the park or going to a show at 6pm. Do something different so you aren't sitting in the same place thinking about a drink.

Briseis

So true. That is a great quote.

I have been down the same road with the ****** hangover-turned-into-yet-another-night-of-drinking cycle. It's weird. It somehow seems appealing to you, but it never turns out to be any better! So frustrating.

Cecilia44

Welcome cruzmami1! This is a great place to be and lots of support here. I am on Day 7 and couldn't do it without these lovely folks.

Go ONE day without drinking. Just one and break the cycle. That worked for me several years ago when I was an every night drinker. Then I became an every two or three day drinker, but it slowly led me to here and more space in between drinks.

The habit is part of it too, one day allows you to break the cycle. You can do it today.

Hugs to you.

PurpleKnight

What support do you have?

Willpower only got me so far, but sooner or later my mind would grind me down and convince me to drink!!

I needed something to reach out to and keep me focused, you'll find loads of support here on SR!!

You can do this!!