A new day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: France
Posts: 1
A new day
taking this road to recovery one day at a time. Thinking about the forever of a life Alcohol free still has me feeling a deep sense of loss. Alcohol accompanied me in my anxieties, stress, shyness, celebrations, escapism....it was an unhealthy best friend that I had to break up with for my sanity, my spiritual self, my family...ah the angst of coping without my little end of the day buzz. Not used to doing anything in the evenings without it. Watched movies, washed dishes, cooked dinner, chatted on the phone with friends, made love....all with my beloved wine by my side. Little by little it began to sour on me from the inside out. just on my 62 nod day of sobriety....feeling clearer, feeling lots of raw emotions in fact that I'd been drinking over....was in denial about by alcohol abuse for several years. I've just been able to say the words, I am an alcoholic. It is overwhelming, I need help and support and I am willing to do the hard work necessary to heal. I am willing to open myself up to listen to others and get out of my own narcissistic head. I am grateful for taking these steps.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Alchol was the longest relationship I had in my adult life...as toxic as the relationship was I mourned it for a while....
But I moved forward, started to build a new life and saw my old life for what it was...sad, unfufilling and totally dominated by addiction.
I bless the day I started the journey back to the real me - I know you will too
You'll find a lot of help and support here Marsilla
welcome to SR
D
But I moved forward, started to build a new life and saw my old life for what it was...sad, unfufilling and totally dominated by addiction.
I bless the day I started the journey back to the real me - I know you will too
You'll find a lot of help and support here Marsilla
welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Well done! Thanks for sharing.
I know how you feel and like Dee said - alcohol was my longest relationship in life too. For over 25 years it was always there for me, no matter what. Always telling me 'it'll be ok, I love you'.
But it didn't love me, it just wanted to use me up and deny me the true, rich, deep and wonderful experiences of life.
All those things you listed and so much more.... numbed and befuddled behind a veil of alcohol's haze. Memories of my life erased before they were even formed. Tricking me into believing that was the only way anything could be fun.
I felt grief too. Deep sorrow and loss... like the death of a loved one.
But that's faded now. I'm almost 9 months sober and instead of loss I feel mostly freedom. I feel encouragement and excitement. Every now and again, I will be triggered with a bit of that glum-feeling sense of loss. At this point instead of it really dragging me down though, it generally is just a quick tug that allows me to notice what's happening inside and to question why I'm feeling it.
"I feel a little glum right now... why? Ahh... because I'm seeing others a bit buzzed up on the beach around the bonfire... I used to do that at EVERY bonfire. But what's happening right now? Ahh... I'm seeing that beautiful sunset for every clear detail it offers.... I'm feeling the warmth of that bonfire.... I will remember this tomorrow... those conversations they're having are all silly. Same old conversations they've had for years. Nothing new, nothing important, nothing they'll even remember tomorrow. I will remember this feeling of clarity, of freedom, of health. This sunset. The warmth of this bonfire, this relaxing peaceful place. I am grateful for this...."
And the glum passes into a new and better feeling. And I go to bed with a smile and wake up without a headache or vomit and have a treasured new memory.
It's going to get better.
You will see....
I know how you feel and like Dee said - alcohol was my longest relationship in life too. For over 25 years it was always there for me, no matter what. Always telling me 'it'll be ok, I love you'.
But it didn't love me, it just wanted to use me up and deny me the true, rich, deep and wonderful experiences of life.
All those things you listed and so much more.... numbed and befuddled behind a veil of alcohol's haze. Memories of my life erased before they were even formed. Tricking me into believing that was the only way anything could be fun.
I felt grief too. Deep sorrow and loss... like the death of a loved one.
But that's faded now. I'm almost 9 months sober and instead of loss I feel mostly freedom. I feel encouragement and excitement. Every now and again, I will be triggered with a bit of that glum-feeling sense of loss. At this point instead of it really dragging me down though, it generally is just a quick tug that allows me to notice what's happening inside and to question why I'm feeling it.
"I feel a little glum right now... why? Ahh... because I'm seeing others a bit buzzed up on the beach around the bonfire... I used to do that at EVERY bonfire. But what's happening right now? Ahh... I'm seeing that beautiful sunset for every clear detail it offers.... I'm feeling the warmth of that bonfire.... I will remember this tomorrow... those conversations they're having are all silly. Same old conversations they've had for years. Nothing new, nothing important, nothing they'll even remember tomorrow. I will remember this feeling of clarity, of freedom, of health. This sunset. The warmth of this bonfire, this relaxing peaceful place. I am grateful for this...."
And the glum passes into a new and better feeling. And I go to bed with a smile and wake up without a headache or vomit and have a treasured new memory.
It's going to get better.
You will see....
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Yes, it was a love affair wasn't it? She still calls-but less and less. Getting to know me is challenging but I would not ever trade for the life I had. Best wishes and congrats on getting free.
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